He felt a sense of delicious expectation, the anticipation of a chemist almost at the end of a long sequence, when the colorless liquids may at last be mixed and begin to blush with color, slowly but steadily brightening now like an annunciation, like someone you love coming, like Gloria becoming visible to his open eyes as he tasted her presence near him and he felt her unbearably close beside him and about to come into being out of love for him and then she was real and she sat between him and Peggy smiling and listening and she was both brighter and less transparent than he remembered from those dreamy sleepless nights in the Hotel Bailey when he had to look for her even when he was seeing her because he could not see her except through his faith in her but the faith was there knowing that she would get brighter, that someday she would have weight in his arms as well as softness, and now it had happened, so that of Peggy he could scarcely make out more than a silhouette with a hypothetical face-texture whose features were dirty and crumbling anyhow like the clay people that he and Gloria used to make at the river but he could see very clearly the bumps and scars on Peggy's naked legs because Peggy sat with them drawn in high because it was cold while Gloria let her legs dangle down to the concrete so that Peggy's legs were not obscured by Gloria and her light; and he could see more of Gloria's face than he had ever been able to see before and Peggy's stories seemed to be getting murkier and muddier like Peggy herself since they were going straight into Gloria's ears and becoming part of Gloria, part of who Gloria was and had always been, and Gloria was smiling and smiling and he could see the delicate pulse in her neck and her perfume smelled so fresh to him and her hair was so soft and silky to his touch and Peggy said oh are you one of those who like my hair too? and Jimmy said something and Peggy was saying something but Jimmy couldn't even see her anymore because Gloria was growing into her strength so quickly now that it was happening before his eyes while the memories flashed and glowed like Melissa's afternoon movies to light up the darkness that he sat in which became darker and vaster and more and more forgotten, and he saw Gloria brushing her hair back from her face and talking very rapidly and he could see her lips move but he could not quite hear what she said; he was driving her home to the flat they had together on Pacific Avenue where the houses were immaculate and Peggy said are you all right? and Jimmy said keep talking and tall trees shaded the sidewalk and Jimmy slept well at night because the neighbors were quiet older people who kept the blinds drawn and rarely came out except to wash their cars. Schoolchildren waited at the bus stop, and the buses rolled slowly past the blue and white houses in silence, and there was a view of the ocean from the top of the hill at Pacific and Lyon where Jimmy and Gloria sometimes walked in the evenings when he got back from work (Gloria usually finished her job about half an hour earlier because she worked straight through lunch) and on Saturdays they went to one of the parks and had a picnic with salami and cheese and pickles and French bread and the grass was warm and wet to the touch and children chattered like squirrels and men and women snuggled on pretty blankets and Gloria scratched her knee sleepily and said darling would you like a beer and Jimmy said no I don't think I'll drink today how about passing me a seltzer and Gloria said what a good boy and her long hair trembled in the sunny breeze and Jimmy said you know babe I really have a thing for your hair and Gloria said that's sweet even if you do always say that and Jimmy said I'd love it so much if you'd put your hair in a ponytail for me and Gloria said why a ponytail? and Jimmy said remember how you wore it braided in a ponytail when we were kids and we took that train ride? and Gloria laughed and said of course I remember I remember everything about that trip although I was even littler than you and the windows were so high above my head that I had to stand on Mother's lap to see the snowflakes coming down outside and all the grownups seemed as tall as redwood trees do you remember that part of it? and Jimmy said yes and Gloria said but you know hon I remember something sad about that trip too I remember how in Louisiana they had separate bathrooms for white and colored why honey you've gone pale did I say something to upset you? but Jimmy said you don't remember that part correctly nothing bad like that happened I think you must have just read about it in the schoolbooks anyway not to change the subject how about putting your pretty hair in a ponytail for your man? and Gloria said if that's what you want Jimmy and began putting her hair up and gathering it and Jimmy said oh darling you look just like the little girl I remember now turn your back to me and let me rub your shoulders and when Gloria couldn't see what he was doing anymore he took her ponytail in both hands and
and Gloria said let's go downtown and they went into a bakery where the cakes were covered with flowers of frosting and there were loaves of pumpkin bread heavy with raisins and the sugar cookies glittered like stars and Gloria got a chocolate éclair and when she was done Jimmy kissed the frosting off her lips.
Peggy
One time said Peggy I picked up this real nice, clean-cut man, but he was built, really built good. I got him up into my motel room and he told me he was a hit man. He murdered people for a living. All he wanted to do was talk. When he told me his profession I thought, mmmarvelous! the things I get myself into, right? All he wanted to do was talk about the people he killed, how sorry he was that he had to do it, but it was his job. He told me a few little details, an' I was really on pins and needles.
Not my kind of work, said Jimmy. Did he look in their faces when he killed 'em?
Yeah. He looked 'em dead in their eyes, as he's lookin' dead in my eyes. Now the man's armed, so I was pretty shook up. But I acted real calm and I kept the conversation goin', and that's just about all you really need to do to keep your safety. Never let them know that you're gonna panic or you don't want their company—and he had paid me for that half-hour that he wanted to talk. That really tripped me out when somebody knocked on the door. He jumped up off the bed drew his gun I didn't know if he was gonna put rounds in it or what. I said sit down an' relax, whoever's at my door I'm not gonna open it, just gonna tell them through the door that I'm busy and to get on. So I did that, but I mean that was a real spooky experience.
Gloria
Gloria was sitting very still on the steps, and for a moment Jimmy thought that what Peggy had said had paled her and diminished her, but she smiled at him over her shoulder and he saw that she had not been hurt, that she had known that these were not her memories, and for the first time he could see her eyes very clearly; they were like Melissa's eyes; and he hugged her and said good girl way to go babe don't be afraid because you know those kind of men don't even exist and Peggy said what the hell are you talking about and Jimmy said hey I paid you didn't I so just keep on talking.
Peggy
Just recently said Peggy I had aggravated a gentleman who'd just murdered someone down the street. It didn't make me feel too good. He was very much pussy-whipped, OK? His old lady just ran the whole show and yet she wasn't doin' shit. I'm very honest; I walked up an' I confronted him about it. He slapped me. I said well that's what you felt you needed to do but my opinion stands. Meanwhile everyone's pulling me away trying to walk me off, saying that this man will stab you in the back when you aren't looking; don't aggravate him. So OK fine. I left it at that. Not more than two days after that he had murdered his girlfriend's trick. Girlfriend's got a real hard time getting dates. I don't know she's just not aggressive enough she's just real stupid. Apparendy she got a date took the date up to her room then Blackwell popped out of the closet and stabbed him, killed him. So now he's on the run an' I don't have to worry about him no more.
Gloria
No Jimmy it's OK, Gloria said, I didn't drink that story, either. And I don't even need many more stories because what I see and remember is already making me what I am.
Her fingernails now came into being, one by one, sparkling with the newness of diamonds.
Peggy
I had a date just last week with a black man, said Peggy. He picked me up asked me if I was clean I told him yes I'm clean only because I use rub
bers and I see my doctor faithfully and he says well I don't know about the rubber part I says well if you want to date me that's what you have to do, so he accepts this. And meanwhile he's just asking me questions; you can tell if you're being interrogated. He takes me to the Sunset Inn over on Van Ness and we go up to his room. It's like 1776 or something; I don't think I'd forget his room number. But when I got in there he laid out all his jewelry, so it was kind of a setup to me; I don't steal from my dates. He was putting things where if I were a thief I would've taken them. I said you know I really have a funny feeling that you don't want a date are you gonna hurt me?—If you don't put me in that position he says I won't hurt you. —So I says look I can give you your money back there's no problem here. I can walk home or something. I really don't need this date to the point where I'm gonna get hurt if that's what it's gonna take to satisfy you. He says you know I just want some head and if you're good enough you're not gonna get hurt. Well luckily I'm real good at that. But all the time I was servicing him I was in fear. So when I finished servicing him yeah I could tell that he was checking out where his diamond rings and things were, so I didn't get nowhere near 'em, so I says are you done with me now he says yes I'm done here's a dollar for bus fare. Well I'm not gonna argue with him I'm not gonna say oh, you're not gonna bring me back? I didn't do that. I was pretty shook to where I just walked. You know I'm a pretty good judge of character and you really have to watch out the look they have and the way they drool.
Gloria
Jimmy looked at Gloria again and she cast a shadow now and her flesh had the firmness of flesh; she was completely opaque to the streetlights now, and he understood that when he got up to leave she would walk away with him and be visible beside him forever, and a tremendous pride and excitement pounded in his heart. He knew that she knew all that he had done to clothe and adorn her with memories. He could see her jewelry now; she was becoming that substantial, with the necklace and bracelets and earrings that he had given her that time when he had gotten through the probationary period on his job and the boss looked him dead in the eye and told him Jimmy not only are we going to keep you but we like your work so much we're gonna give you a raise and Jimmy went down to the jewelry store after work and bought rings and bracelets and pearl earrings and scattered them all over the bedroom in little boxes with bows and ribbons and Gloria's eyes got so big when she got home and Jimmy said they're all for you babe and Gloria said but but but where did you get the money? and Jimmy told her and Gloria clapped her hands and rushed around opening her presents hugging him and saying Jimmy you're the best oh look at this oh look how this one sparkles oh Jimmy thank you I love you so I'll never ever leave you. —Gloria made love to him wearing her jewelry and then she arranged it all around the bed where they lay together and the alarm clock was softly ticking and Gloria's face was ever so faintly luminous and Gloria said oh you're so warm, so warm, and Jimmy rubbed her shoulders and Gloria said your skin feels nice and their bodies rested against each other as they were meant to and Jimmy lay watching Gloria sleep and he saw that the second hand of his watch was broken and then he yawned and laid down his head on her shoulder and went to sleep.
But all that had happened long ago because Jimmy did not need it to happen anymore; Gloria was real and finished.
Well Peggy said Jimmy nice talking to you.
At home
He came into the lobby and paid his rent to Pearl and went up the stairs not yet acting as if Gloria were with him (even though she was) for the same reason that at the Black Rose it was taboo to change a wig in public; one always did it in the bathroom; for the same reason that women don't show their cunts to everybody, which is why there are whores . . . and Jimmy fell down onto his bed with Gloria beside him and Gloria said I want to move out of here tomorrow and Jimmy said whatever you want, you know I'll do it and she smiled and said I know and he said it does kind of get you here the first time although I forgot that and she said tomorrow we'll start getting used to another place and he said you'll tell me where, won't you? and she said oh come on Jimmy don't be afraid; pretty soon you and I will be living in a nice house and he said it's just that I feel so tired and rested his head on the fluffy pillows that soon became a feast of mashed potatoes covered with the thin brown gravy of dreams.
17
Perpetual Motion
The next morning Gloria was gone, and Jimmy said well shit I guess I gotta go hear more stories or do something different get real things to anchor her to earth like more hair from Dinah or something like that I don't know.
The truth is, he admitted to himself, I forgot about her for a minute, just like with that cunt Nicole that hurried me up on the kitchen floor!
She came in with me and then I pretended she wasn't there when I paid the rent to Pearl so Pearl wouldn't charge us double and then she was with me on the stairs and I got into bed and yes that's when I forgot her.
She was almost there for real and I forgot her. She got away from me. No sense even calling to her. She's so far away right now she couldn't even hear me.
Jimmy was very downcast. He knew life was going to get worse. Maybe stories aren't enough, he thought. But no; they have to be. Stories and hair.
18
Being misconstrued
The night that Jimmy cashed his next SSI check he went out past the brick hotels whose deep-set windows were shaded and curtained so that nobody could see which pair of desperate old eyes peered fiercely out, and fire escapes made Z's upon Z's.
The whore whose stockings were flowers and holes peered fishily at him through her glasses. I heard about you, she said. I'm not letting you shave my pussy.
That's not the kind of hair I want, Jimmy explained patiently. From your head'll work just fine.
Bet you wanna shave my armpits, too, she jeered. Dontcha? Dontcha?
It was so late that it was almost morning, and the night-lights were dead behind barred basement windows and he was tired; he was so tired of pretty girls and their cunts. He did not want to fuck them anymore. Their tits seemed almost as stupid as his cock. He remembered how when he was younger every pretty girl had made him hard, and then later he lusted after pretty girls without getting hard, and later he just enjoyed looking at them, and later he didn't enjoy looking at them so much.
Do you believe in Gloria? he asked her, straight out.
Gloria? Who the fuck is that?
Sometimes I don't believe in her either, he admitted. Sometimes I don't believe in anything except not believing. — He spat on the sidewalk and winked. He scratched the fly of his pants. —But if seeing is believing, he went on, then I sure better believe my eyes because here you are right in front of me unless looks are deceiving, which I'm not sayin' they are and I'm not sayin' they aren't, and you are a sight to see baby I'm telling you you are fucking HOT! How about it, huh? Let me kiss your lips (you know which ones!). How about it?
Drop dead, said the whore.
Dinah
Well hey Dinah said Jimmy welcome back from jail. You back at the Hotel Cheyenne?
Listen said Dinah fiercely I am so pissed off at you! You been telling everyone you're jerking off in that hair I let you cut off. I never should have let you do it, you pervert. Jack says he'll cut ycu if he ever sees you on the street again.
I never said that to anyone Dinah, said Jimmy, so don't go and have a period about it. Who told you that anyway?
Pearl.
Pearl told you that?
Oh cut it said Dinah just cut it.
Listen, Dinah, uh Pearl's a little jealous of my wife Gloria I guess she's well she's making up stories to get me in trouble. The truth is that Gloria needs more hair she's balder than a baby's crotch and if you give me your new address so I can come and get more hair I'm sure I can make you very happy Dinah if you know what I mean.
So what are you saying to me? said Dinah, clenching her fists.
Tell me your new address.
Give me five dollars! Dinah shouted.
No, said Jimmy.
Then fuck my address I don't live anywhere anyway I don't have a place to stay tonight so fuck it.
OK said Jimmy well if you ever want to get in touch with me I might have more money to give you then.
When'll you be down here on Jones Street? said Dinah.
Every day. Today's Monday. I'll be here Tuesday, and I'll be here Wednesday.
Whores for Gloria Page 9
