by Kaci Rose
I’m about halfway through my meal, when Mia walks in with Lexi, and they’re both laughing. I didn’t even know she was here today, as I hadn’t seen her. When she spots me, her smile dims just a bit, before she heads over to the table I’m sitting at.
“Hey, you.” She leans down to kiss me on my cheek. “I promised to help Lexi with a few more things, and then I’ll swing by, if that’s okay.”
I just nod, because I’m so deep into my self-loathing I don’t know what else to say. She looks me over, but she doesn’t say anything. She looks back over her shoulder at Lexi, before placing her hand on my shoulder.
“Okay, see you in a bit, then.” She squeezes my shoulder and walks away.
That little touch grounds me in a way I wasn’t expecting. I watch her go, knowing I need to get all this sorted out for her, but pissed that I don’t know how. I don’t want to admit that to her either, because I want her to know I can take care of her, and that she doesn’t need to take care of me.
The last thing I want is for her to ever feel like she has to take care of me, because I’m so broken, or that she has to stay, or I’ll fall apart. I want her to want to be near me; not because she feels like she has to be.
After I finish eating, I go to my therapy appointment with Dr. Tate. Every, time I dread this appointment. Dr. Tate is a nice guy, though he pushes a little, but not too much. I’m sure he would be easy to talk to, if I had any interest in talking.
“Hello, Teddy. How are things, since the last time we talked?”
He starts every session off like this. It’s an open invitation to talk about whatever is on my mind. I know that, but I already know how I’m going to direct this session. I always come in with a plan.
“Well, as you know, me wanting to work to get out of here set me back. Now, stuff I could do a few weeks ago, I can’t do now. It fucking sucks.” I tell him honestly.
He takes it in stride, as he expects us to cuss at him. Once he told me, if I wasn’t cussing at him, then he wasn’t doing his job. I knew I’d like him right then, even if I have no plans to ever open up to him.
“You have a mental block, because you’re just trying to heal the physical part of your body, but you haven’t healed the mental. Your soul needs healing too, and you can’t do that by keeping everything locked deep inside. When you open up on the mental end, the physical healing will speed up, too.”
That sounds like a bunch of the mumbo jumbo stuff the holistic people say about healing your body with your mind and stuff.
“What good will talking do? They will all still be dead. He will still be dead. That letter will still be sitting in my nightstand, and his will still has my name on it. So, tell me exactly what good it will do?” I yell at him.
“It will allow them all to rest in peace, knowing you’re at peace.”
Despite me yelling at him, he’s calm and collected, which only serves to piss me off even more. We were barely fifteen minutes into an hour-long session before I just get up and walk out.
Fuck him for pretending to know them, and what they would want. Fuck him for thinking they aren’t resting in peace. Of course, they aren’t, and they’re dead, because of me.
I want to go for a run and run, until I can’t move anymore, but I know how much further that will set me back, so I head straight for my room and slam the door behind me, trying to get some alone time.
This causes Mia to jump off the couch. Damnit, I can’t even be alone in my room.
“Sorry! I know you had your appointment, and I thought I’d wait in here and check my email. What’s wrong?”
“I’m so sick and tired of everyone wanting me to talk when I don’t want to talk. Talking isn’t going to help. Reliving it over and over isn’t going to help. I wish everyone would leave me alone!” I snap.
Everything is boiling over. I just want a few minutes to myself, and one day where people aren’t trying to get me to talk.
One fucking day.
I run my hands through my hair, but then, my hands drop to my sides, and I regret my outburst. Mostly, because I know this isn’t Mia’s fault, but even more, because her eyes are wide and full of tears, and there’s that look on her face that I never want to see there. Pity.
She rushes past me and out of the door without another word. I know it’s no use to go after her. If I’m honest, I just don’t need to be around people right now. The more I’m around them, the more they want me to talk.
I don’t need to talk.
Chapter 20
Mia
I don’t remember walking out of Oakside, or the walk back over to Lexi and Noah’s. But the next thing I know, Lexi is shoving a cold glass of wine in my hand and asking me what’s wrong.
What’s wrong?
I can’t even put it into words.
How do I express what I’m feeling? Where do I start, so they understand? She lets me take a few minutes to collect my thoughts before I speak.
“He’s still not talking.” Is all I’m able to get out.
I mean, I knew that, right? Who was I fooling? After the disaster of the other night here, why did I think it would change? I don’t know how I thought this would change things for him. Maybe, I was just in denial of what was going on. There’s no denying it now, though.
I go on to tell them what happened. Noah steps away to talk to his doctors about Teddy’s appointment today, and if there’s anything he should know. He says generally with an outburst like that something’s happened.
When Noah sits back down, no one says anything, so I say what’s on my mind.
“If he isn’t talking, we can’t be together. I think I’m going to go home to Knoxville early.”
Noah and Lexi share one of their silent conversations, while I chug down the rest of my wine.
“We understand,” Lexi says.
“I’ll pack up tonight, and then tell him tomorrow morning before I head out. I’m not going to tell Ellie that I’m going back so soon. I don’t want her to cut her trip short, and she will, if I tell her I’m leaving. So, if you talk to her, please don’t mention it.”
The last thing I need is for Ellie to think I need her to take care of me. That kind of guilt would eat at me.
“We won’t say anything, either,” Lexi says. Then, she whispers, “This might be the push he needs Mia.”
I just shake my head. “Maybe, but I’m not counting on it. That will just lead to disappointment if I wait for him to show up on my doorstep.”
Though, I want with all my heart for him to come find me all better, talking, and taking on his responsibilities. But that seems like such a far stretch from where he is now, and I just don’t see it happening.
“I guess, I don’t get it. He talked to me and told me what was going on. He told me everything about what happened, and why he blames himself about his friend. I thought he would talk to his therapist after that. Silly me.”
“Don’t say that. Everyone heals differently. Noah was open from the start and healing, because he wanted to win me over. But Easton had to lose Paisley to get the motivation to heal. This might be what spurs him on,” Lexi says.
“Maybe. Just… keep an eye on him. I don’t need a report or anything. Just knowing someone has his back will be enough.”
“We will always have his back and yours. Jake will keep visiting him daily, too,” Noah says.
We finish the wine, and then I head to my room and start packing. I don’t have much, just a few suitcases. I load up my car with everything, but what I’ll need in the morning.
My heart feels like it’s breaking at leaving, not just Teddy, but Oakside altogether. I feel like here I’ve found another piece of my heart, only to lose it.
As I take a hot shower, I go over and over in my head what I plan to say to Teddy in the morning. I don’t know how this conversation will go, but we need to have it. I need to have it. That doesn’t mean it will be easy, though.
* * *
Teddy
I slept for s
hit last night. I felt bad for snapping at Mia. She hasn’t hounded me about opening up and talking, like everyone else has. She has been the one person who has always understood and said I’d talk, when I was ready.
In fact, if I’m honest with myself, I know she wasn’t pushing at all yesterday. She was just picking up on my mood being off and checking on me, like a good friend. The more I go over and over in my head what happened, the more I know it wasn’t her trying to get me to talk. She knew I was upset and wanted to know what was wrong, so she could help.
Fuck that. She’s more than a friend. She’s my girlfriend, even if that word sounds so high school. Even if we haven’t had that talk and put labels on things. That’s what she is. She’s mine.
She didn’t deserve for me to snap at her. When she gets here today, I’ll apologize and make her understand how much she means to me.
I thought giving her the night to cool off would be best. I know from dealing with my foster family that trying to talk to women, when they are mad, is like trying to tell a baby to stop crying by yelling at them. It just makes things worse.
I’m planning out what to say, when she walks in. A determined look is on her face. Her eyes land on me without even a slight smile.
My heart sinks. Maybe, a night wasn’t enough to cool off. I steady myself, as I know whatever she has to say, we can work through this. We didn’t come all this way for nothing. I feel it in my gut.
“We need to talk.” She beelines right for the couch and sits down.
I hesitantly take the chair next to her and nod for her to speak. Best to let her get it off her chest now.
“You refuse to heal. You aren’t talking. You don’t trust me. I thought after you opened up to me, you would open up and deal with all this, but you haven’t, and I refuse to be in an unhealthy relationship.”
My heart sinks, and I can’t seem to catch my breath. This isn’t going to be fixed with a simple apology. She can’t be saying what I think she is, right? I mean, we just need time. I know I can fix this.
“Mia, I just need time. It wasn’t easy to talk to you, but in the end, you knew what I was going through. You had been through it yourself to a degree. But to open up to someone who has no idea what I’m going through…”
“Look around, Teddy,” she says, as she stands and holds her arms wide. “You can’t throw a stone here without hitting someone who knows what you’re going through. Everyone here has lost someone. Everyone here is dealing with guilt, wondering why they survived.”
She shakes her head and starts heading to the door.
“Mia.” I try to stop her.
“My car is packed, and I’m heading home to Knoxville, Teddy. I can’t do this, not like this.”
I stand there stunned. Palsied and I physically can’t move or even think. It’s not until she is long gone, before I realize I hadn’t said anything. My heart races, as I go outside and over to Lexi and Noah’s. Her car isn’t there.
I run to the door, leading to her room and peer in the window. None of her stuff is there. Walking to the front of the house, I just stare down the driveway.
She’s gone.
I can’t believe she left just like that.
I stand there so long, hoping that maybe she’ll turn around. I don’t realize I’ve fallen to my knees right there in the dirt, until Easton walks up next to me, and his dog, Allie, starts licking the side of my face.
“I know that look. It was the same one I had watching Paisley drive down the road and away from me,” he says, helping me to my feet. “You have two choices, and you aren’t going to like either one.”
Finally, I look over at him. I know I’ll do anything to get her back. I know that as clearly as I know my own name. “What are they?” I ask.
“One, you can drown yourself in pity and give up. Shut yourself down and continue on the path you’re on. Or two, you can use this to fuel your recovery, push, kick ass, and win her back. This is your turning point. We all reach one, before we heal. The path we chose will define the next chapter in our life.”
I just stand there and stare at him. Of course, I just want to give up and crawl into bed and give in to the darkness. That’s what would be easy; that’s the path of least resistance.
“So, which path are you taking?” He asks.
Chapter 21
Mia
The Knoxville skyline stretches out before me. I thought being home would comfort me, but the further I am from Teddy, the more it hurts. I’m trying to figure out my next steps and get home almost on autopilot, and I’m shocked to see Ellie and Owen’s RV in the driveway.
They weren’t supposed to be home for another week. There’s no way of hiding that I’m back, because of the security Owen has on the place. They knew I was here the moment I turned into the driveway, and before I even put my code in for the gate.
That’s why they’re both standing next to the guest house front door, when I pull around. When I took the gig watching their kids’, part of my pay included the guest house for me to stay in and have my own space.
I love being close to them and the kids, but still have my own space. Most days, we have breakfast and dinner together in the main house, and I feel like part of a real family.
“We didn’t expect you for another two weeks,” Ellie says, pulling me into a hug.
“I could say the same thing about you,” I tell them.
“Come inside. Owen’s mom has the girls, so we can chat,” Ellie says, as Owen takes my keys and gets my bags.
I don’t even bother arguing. I know it won’t do any good. He may be a billionaire, but his mom raised him right, and he’s a gentleman. He has no problems carrying in my bags, and in fact, will refuse to let me do it.
Too bad there aren’t more men like him, or that he doesn’t have a brother. Older or younger, I’m not picky.
“You first,” I say and give her my don’t argue look.
“The RV got too small, and we all agreed we were ready to be home, so we cut the trip short.” She says, as we sit on the couch.
“Teddy isn’t talking about what happened. After he snapped at me, I realized he needs to heal, before we can go any further. So, I left. Either he heals, or he doesn’t. I can’t stick around.”
That’s the short version, because I know if I go into too many details, it will end in tears. Ellie pulls me into a hug, and Owen sits down on my other side and rubs my back.
“If he’s the one, he’ll get his shit together, and then try to win you back. Just put one foot in front of the other, until then,” Owen says.
“I know, but it doesn’t make it any easier.”
“Never does.” He chuckles.
We chat a bit more about the last leg of their road trip, and the things they saw on the way home. After making sure I have food for dinner, they head back to the main house, and I keep busy by unpacking, doing laundry, and decide to get comfortable, and binge watch some TV just for the distraction.
I don’t realize I’ve fallen asleep until I jolt awake from my phone ringing. It’s morning, and my TV has long since shut itself off. I don’t remember the last time I slept that hard. I knew I was emotionally drained, but just wow.
When I check the caller ID, I see it’s from Oakside. Should I answer it? If it was Noah or Lexi, they would call from their phones, and I have both their numbers, and they have mine. If it’s Teddy, I don’t want to talk to him.
The entire time the phone rings, I debate picking up. I can’t bring myself to deny the call, so I just let it ring. I almost pick it up three times, before it goes to voicemail.
When the phone stops ringing, I get up and get some coffee going. I wait, as it brews, but the chime letting me know I have a voicemail is what catches my attention.
Curiosity gets the better of me. Of course, it does. So, I grab my phone to listen to my voicemail.
It’s Teddy’s voice that fills my ear.
“Mia.” He sighs my name. “I didn’t expect you to answer, but I ju
st want you to know I heard you, and I get why you left. I’m going to want a second chance, and I’m going to push for you. I can’t promise this will be the last time I call. Just hearing your voice on your voicemail was enough. I don’t expect you to pick up, but I hope you know how I feel about you, even if I didn’t get a chance to say it to you in person. I sure as hell won’t be saying it to your voicemail. Just… don’t go falling in love with someone else, while I’m still here.” He almost whispers the last part, before he hangs up.
By the time the voicemail ends, I have tears in my eyes, and I want to jump in my car and head right back to him.
After listening to the voicemail five more times, I get ready, make my coffee, and head to the main house.
“Morning,” I grumble, as I grab a pastry from the plate on the counter. They have a talented chef, who always makes the best breakfast food.
“Teddy called,” I say, handing Ellie my phone. She plays the voicemail, and Owen and she listen to it with both their heads bowed over the phone to hear it.
Then, they look back at me.
“Well?” They ask.
“I don’t know. Though, I’ll probably listen to that voicemail more than he’ll call to listen to my voicemail. I have no intentions of meeting any men, much less, falling in love, but I’m not waiting around for him, either. If a clone of Owen shows up, I’ll be all over it.”
I wave my pastry in his direction, and I swear I see him blush just a bit. Owen is this powerful businessman. He’s ruthless and very much the alpha male you read about in the romance books. But here at home with Ellie, he’s a sweet teddy bear, and I take great pride in making this man blush. It’s my favorite pastime.
Ellie smiles, and Owen at least tries to hide his grin, as I grab another pastry and go back to my cabin.
Sitting down to eat breakfast, I stare at my phone, like it might lunge and bite me at any minute. It very well might for all I know. My mind is all over the place. While I’m happy he called, at the same time, how dare he try to make demands on me. I bounce back from one emotion to the other.
