He still held her wrists and now he jerked her as if he wanted to shake her.
“You do care, dammit,” he said. “I don’t know if you really believe that crap, or if you’re in a complete state of denial. But you do care, Sarah. Or you wouldn’t have taken a stranger in and saved his life and you wouldn’t have lied to the sheriff to give me more time.”
Sarah couldn’t keep her chin from trembling and she couldn’t pull away from his tight grip.
“Let me go,” she whispered.
He released her so suddenly that she stumbled when she got up from the bed.
“Gladly,” he said. “I’m sorry that I have to be here for three more days, and I’m sorry that you have to be in- volved. You are the one person in the world who doesn’t deserve any more grief.”
Sarah stood staring at him, her heart aching with her need to touch him. He was so changeable. So unpredictable. In one breath he could make her want him with a passion that threatened to overwhelm her. And in the next, he was hard and angry, pushing her away.
Hagan swung his legs over the side of the bed. He held his side as he looked up at her from beneath his dark brows. “I might not remember everything about myself yet, but I remember enough to know you were right be fore…I’m not the kind of man you need to be mixed up with. So do yourself a favor, darlin’, and just stay out of my way these next few days.”
His warning, dry and filled with sarcasm, made Sarah flinch.
And yet, there was a part of her that understood and saw through his bitterness.
“You couldn’t have saved her, Hagan,” she whispered. “Cord said you weren’t the kind of man to ever back away when a friend is in danger.”
His gaze flickered toward her, hard with warning.
“She doesn’t have anything to do with this,” he growled. “Or with you.”
“Yes, she does,” Sarah said. “She has everything to do with it. You’re angry and you’re feeling guilty. And maybe you’re even feeling a little inadequate. I know all about those feelings…and what they can do to a person in- side.”
“Dammit,” he muttered. He stood up, as if he might physically remove her from the room, but Sarah stood her ground.
She reached out and touched his face and she could feel him shaking.
“It wasn’t your fault, Hagan,” she whispered. “No matter how hard you might want to, you can’t save the entire world.”
Hagan closed his eyes, clenching his teeth. For a mo- ment he swayed toward her and for once he had no re- sponse, no hard words to send her running.
“Go away, Sarah. Please. Just get out of here.” His voice was soft and filled with a surprising vulnerability.
Without a word of protest, she turned to leave the room, stopping at the door.
“We’re having that steak you wanted for dinner,” she said, almost shyly. “Maybe we can just pretend for these next few days that there is no G.B.I. and no gunrunners. No Cindy.”
Hagan stared at her across the room. He could hear the quiet pleading in her voice, even though he couldn’t see what was in her eyes.
“And no Joe…” he replied quietly.
Sarah bit her lip and swallowed hard. Then she nod- ded. “No Joe,” she answered.
Chapter 10
Hagan stood staring at the door long after Sarah was gone.
So…she wanted to pretend there were no prob- lems…no danger. Did she also want to pretend that there was nothing between them? That the air didn’t practically sizzle when they were in the same room together?
She sure as hell wasn’t making that pretense easy.
He already knew that having her around was comfort- ing. That she gave him a peace no one had ever given him before. But there was more to his wanting her than that.
Just looking at her, it was hard to conceal the pleasure he felt. And the need. In fact, Hagan was beginning to think he’d never get enough of looking at her. He found himself wanting to touch that mass of auburn hair. Even now, thinking about it, he felt his fingers curling into a fist, longing to feel the thick beautiful curls. He daydreamed about lifting it and holding its weight against his hand, pushing his face against it and breathing deeply of the clean scent while he held her soft, luscious body against his.
And those eyes. Damn, he thought those blue eyes, so wide and clear, could look right through to a man’s soul. Definitely a place he’d never allowed a woman to wander before, he’d be willing to bet.
And her compassion appealed to him just as much as her beauty and sex appeal.
Damn, but he had to get those images out of his mind if he meant to stay here three more days. He had a feeling she was still in love with her husband, no matter how hard she tried to pretend she was over it. He touched his forehead, wondering if it was the fever that was making him feel this way. But he felt cool and perfectly lucid for the first time since he wandered into Sarah’s farmhouse.
Hagan sat on the bed. He closed his eyes and tried to push the disturbing images and needs away. He was tired, and weaker than he wanted to admit to Sarah or Cord. One of the most frightening things about being so weak was his inability to protect Sarah if he had to.
And he was beginning to wonder if he’d ever have his memory back.
Cord was like a stranger to him. It made him feel as if he couldn’t really trust him. And he didn’t like that feel- ing.
He felt so alone, and oddly that was something he did remember. He could remember always being alone. And hating it.
Had he ever gone back to see Lizzie after that day? His mind hadn’t yet let him get that far.
Hagan glanced toward the door. He could feel Sarah’s presence on the other side pulling at him, beckoning him like some ancient sea siren. He didn’t feel alone with her. He felt warm and contented, as if he could stay here for- ever, wrapped in the peace that surrounded this old house.
He didn’t have to rely on memory to know that was not a good thing for a law enforcement officer to be feeling.
He lay back on the bed and closed his eyes, determined to stay as far away from Sarah as possible for the next three days.
Later, when she knocked on the door and then stepped into the room, he was sleeping. He roused and blinked, noting that she had changed into white slacks and a soft blue sweater. And that she was wearing shoes with straps and tiny little heels. In her hand, she carried a straw bon- net—undoubtedly meant to hide her face from the world.
“I have to go into town,” she said, keeping her voice low.
“I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”
“I’ll be careful,” she said. “I have to go to the grocery store. I haven’t been in a couple of weeks and—”
“I’ll go with you.” Hagan swung his legs over the side of the bed. He groaned as his muscles pulled against the sore ribs.
“You can’t do that,” she said. She stepped farther into the room, as if to stop him physically. “As much as I’d like some company, I don’t think it would be safe.”
“I’ll wait in the car,” he muttered.
“Cord would kill us both if I let you take such a chance.” Her smile was sweet as she stepped back to the door, resting her hand on the doorknob. “Besides, I won’t be long.” A flicker of worry crossed her features and she glanced out toward the hallway.
“I found a box of shells for the shotgun. I put them on the table in the hallway…near the gun.”
Hagan reached beneath his pillow and retrieved the gun that Cord had left him.
“Come here.”
“Why?” Sarah asked, looking at him suspiciously.
Hagan sighed and stood up, motioning her toward him.
“Come on…I’m not going to bite you. Or kiss you,” he growled. “Or do anything else you don’t want me to,” he added sarcastically. He lifted the gun and held it away from him toward the light, smoothing his hand down the barrel as if he didn’t want a speck of dust on it anywhere.
“I don’t like guns.”
�
��That’s only because you don’t know anything about them,” he said.
“I don’t want it,” she said, nodding toward the gun. She had walked a few steps toward him, but she was still out of his reach.
“Well, you’re taking it whether you want it or not,” he muttered. “It’s either that or I go with you.”
Sarah muttered something beneath her breath, but re- luctantly she moved closer. She knew when he had that glint in his eyes that he meant what he said and she had no doubt he would go with her, despite the danger.
“See,” he drawled. “No biting or grabbing…no kiss- ing. Now,” he said, turning his attention back to the gun. “I’m going to show you how to use this. You’ll feel better about it if you know how to use it.”
“I doubt that,” Sarah muttered.
“Just listen,” he said. “And pay attention.”
Sarah barely saw his hand move, but there was a slight click, and then the gun seemed to spit out a metal object into his hand. He held it between his fingers and waved it in the air.
“This is the clip.”
Sarah stared blankly at the piece.
“It holds the bullets,” he explained.
“But I thought bullets went into the little cylin- der…you know…the one that cowboys twirl just before they shoot the bad guy.”
Hagan winced but he couldn’t help smiling. He had a feeling she liked nothing better than goading him a little.
“That’s cowboy stuff, sugar,” he said. “And I ain’t no cowboy.”
Quickly he went over the details again, explaining every part of the gun and every move.
“You got it?” he asked.
“Yes,” she said. “I think so.”
He pushed the gun toward her and she took it with her thumb and forefinger, holding it away from her as if it were a poisonous snake.
Hagan stepped forward, cursing quietly beneath his breath, and wrapping his hands around her hands and the gun, as he forced her to hold it tighter.
“You’re holding it like a girl,” he growled, only half teasing. “Hold it firmly,” he said. “As if you mean busi- ness. It’s all right…see, the safety is still on. Always make sure it is.”
Sarah could feel her insides trembling. Not from the gun or her fear of it, but from being so close to this man who confounded her with his masculine appeal.
His touching her, the male scent of him, the feel of his hands on hers, were too much. After a year of self- imposed isolation, after months of telling herself she’d never love again, never be loved again, everything about him simply overwhelmed her.
She could feel the heat and burning need deep down in- side her. Building. Moving at breakneck speed.
The quiet moan that escaped her lips took her as much by surprise as it did Hagan.
He looked into blue eyes that were wide with disbelief and questions. She couldn’t hide the longing, or the lan- guid heat any more than he could pretend he didn’t see it. And feel it.
She looked beautiful in her white slacks and sweater. So feminine. So utterly clean and pure. And the scent of her perfume encircled him like a soft velvet rope, pulling him in, binding him as if it were steel.
Slowly he took the gun from her hands and tossed it onto the bed. His hands moved up her shoulders and neck, holding her face and tangling in her hair.
His mouth was hard and hungry, his kiss raw and bru- tally honest, just the way Sarah knew it would be. Just the way he was.
He kissed her slowly, thoroughly, his arms holding her hard against his body, his tongue rough and erotic.
Sarah groaned from the exquisite pleasure that flooded through her. She felt as if she were actually melting into him and for a moment, she tried to step back, moving away until her hips were against a tall dresser.
Hagan followed, his hands not releasing her. He posi- tioned himself against her so that she was virtually unable to escape. Then he reached out with his hand behind her head, sighing with pleasure as he grasped that soft, en- chanting tumble of hair and pulling her slowly toward him again until their lips were mere inches apart.
“Are you still afraid of me?” he asked. His voice was rough and raw as he spoke.
“You said I’d be safe if I came in,” she whispered. “That you wouldn’t make me do anything I didn’t want to do.” Yes, I’m afraid, she wanted to shout. Afraid of the way you make me feel. Afraid if I ever let myself go I’ll never be able to stop.
“I lied,” he whispered.
She welcomed his mouth as he kissed her hard, his powerful body almost crushing her against the piece of furniture.
His hands moved up from her waist, cupping her breasts as he continued kissing her. When Sarah stepped closer and encircled his waist, she felt his breath against her mouth, heard his slight moan and she pulled away, think- ing she had hurt his ribs.
He gave a low muttered protest and pulled her back with an almost desperate force. When he looked into her eyes, he saw such sweetness that for a moment he was stunned.
There was love in those beautiful eyes. Deep, passion- ate love and tenderness. Surrender. Just waiting for him to take it.
He shook his head, as his senses warred with a con- science he didn’t even know he had. He breathed between his teeth as he tried to tell himself all the reasons he should push her away from him.
“I made a bargain,” he said, his breath hard and rag- ged. “For the next few days we were going to pretend that our lives are normal.” He wanted her so much he could hardly talk. “I guess I just got carried away. And I’m sorry.”
If he’d had any illusions about having a quick, light- hearted affair with this woman, he had absolutely none now. Even without his memory, he knew he’d never had an experience like this with anyone.
That realization shook him more than anything and made him stop what he was about to do. Retreat, his mind warned. Before it’s too late.
Sarah looked as if he’d struck her. She had been ready…willing to go with him anywhere he wanted to lead her.
Instead, he stepped back away from her, his hands at his hips as he stood staring into her eyes. He seemed troubled and curiously uncertain.
Sarah could still feel the touch of his mouth on hers. Still feel the tingle where his hands touched her.
“It…it’s all right,” she forced herself to say. She pulled her gaze away from his, feeling suddenly shy and vulner- able. “I understand. Actually, this is something that hap- pens a lot to…to nurses.”
He frowned as he raked his hand over his face.
“Nurses?”
“That’s all it is, you know,” she said, her voice light and breezy, despite the fact that she couldn’t seem to breathe correctly. “A lot of patients confuse their feelings of grat- itude for something else.”
Hagan knew very well this had nothing to do with her being a nurse. And she knew it, too.
“Oh,” he grunted. “Gratitude, huh?”
It’s a hell of a lot more than gratitude, he wanted to shout. Much more than that.
But he couldn’t say it out loud. He had no right to tell her anything. No right to go any farther when both of them knew he would be out of her life for good in three days. If she hadn’t suffered so much this past year, he might not feel such guilt. But he had no right to put her through any more emotional turmoil.
No matter how much he wanted her at this moment, he knew she was the kind of woman who needed a commit- ment. And he wasn’t sure he’d ever be ready to give that to anyone.
Suddenly, inexplicably, a phrase popped into his mind.
Case lover. He knew it was a phrase that the agents used to identify forbidden love affairs when one of the agents became involved with someone on a case. Usually hot and brief. It sounded awfully familiar to Hagan. And some- thing about it made him feel ashamed.
Sarah James was much too precious to be anyone’s case lover. Much too decent and sweet.
He wasn’t sure he’d ever done an honorable thing in his life where women we
re concerned, but this was one time he meant to try.
“Go ahead,” he said, backing away. “Go do your shopping. But I still insist you take the gun with you.” He walked to the bed, not quite meeting her eyes when he handed the pistol to her. “Keep it under the seat where you can get to it quickly if you need it.”
Sarah hardly knew what had hit her. Suddenly her en- tire body felt heavy and slow, her feet leaden.
Without a word, she took the gun and walked to the door, turning once before leaving.
“There’s a TV in the living room,” she said, her voice flat. “And books and magazines, too, if—”
“Yeah,” he said. “Thanks.”
Sarah drove to town, her mind in a daze, her heart and head still reeling from what had just happened. She and Hagan were like moths dancing around a flame. Coming closer and closer with each kiss…each touch. Knowing that any moment the fire might reach out and grab them, and consume them both.
And yet neither of them seemed able to stop what was happening.
At the grocery store, she was glad she had a list. Other- wise she wouldn’t be able to remember a thing she came for.
She had pulled her hat down low on the side where her scar was and she was so engrossed in what she was doing that she didn’t see her friend Lacy until she heard her voice.
“Sarah?” Lacy touched Sarah’s arm, staring at her oddly, as if she couldn’t quite believe what she was seeing.
Sarah turned and smiled, telling herself silently that she must not give anything away.
“Well, as I live and breathe,” Lacy whispered. Rich brown eyes snapped to life as she stared at Sarah. “I can’t believe it’s you. Actually out shopping in the middle of the day.” Lacy’s gaze moved over Sarah and she whistled softly between her lips. “And you look wonderful…Ab- solutely radiant. Is something going on that I don’t know about?”
Sarah blinked and coughed self-consciously.
“Going on?” she asked. “What on earth would be go- ing on? I’m just taking your advice, that’s all. You know…getting out and about. How do you like my hat?”
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