“I love to see a girl go out and grab life by the lapels. Life’s a bitch. You’ve got to go out and kick ass.” — Maya Angelou, Poet & Writer
CHAPTER 13
Kenneth Mint stayed awake all night. He watched people pass on the sidewalk in the dark and listened for sounds. At night, Kenneth felt most like an animal, senses heightened, thoughts clear like the water in a mountain stream trickling downhill. He guessed it was about five o’clock, and very quietly eased his leg from under the tilted front seat to begin the act of crawling out the back window.
Kenneth moved like a sloth. It was important to his plan to leave the others asleep and take his bag of money along. Down the street he turned the corner on his way to Angelo’s with the dog from the desert following loyally.
Generally, people are predictable, particularly when they make no effort in the other direction. Emily never considered purposefully becoming unpredictable. It was just her nature, and Kenneth counted on this fact and others in reaching conclusions. He figured she had no idea she was being trailed, was incapable of over-thinking any situation, and loved the idea of getting married. The single most identifiable symbol of marriage is the wedding dress, and Angelo had a shitload of wedding dresses in the window of his shop off Hollywood Boulevard. Besides, Kenneth had noticed Emily jot down the name. If she was still in Los Angeles, he surmised Emily would be drawn to the place like those little yellow goat magnets Kenneth had when he was a kid. Pulled toward each other like gravity askew.
He bought a cup of coffee and sat down in a coffee shop. Out of habit, Kenneth filled the cup to the brim with free sugar and milk. He watched a well-dressed man two tables away pick pieces off a blueberry muffin and shuffle through the newspaper. The man eventually walked away leaving the remnants of the muffin. Kenneth ate most of the remainder, and it was good, soft and pleasant in between sips of coffee the color of new leather. He saved a piece of the muffin for the dog waiting patiently outside. No agreement was reached, no consideration required. Just a bite of warm, soft muffin from man to dog.
There was a wooden bench on the sidewalk a few stores down from Angelo’s. Kenneth sat and waited. He thought about dying and how much easier it would be than living. Such thoughts were friendly to Kenneth Mint, much like his boyhood room, warm and familiar. There was no monster under the bed after all, just the future uncertain and all uncertainty holds. He thought of Cremora and tried to dissect the cause of his attraction to her, but recognized the futility before the idea could take root in his mind.
And then Kenneth looked down the street to see Emily Dooley standing at the window of Angelo’s dress shop, Glenn resting in her arms. She seemed transfixed on a mannequin wearing an elegant white wedding dress.
Kenneth picked up the dog and walked in her direction. He stopped next to Emily and turned to face the headless mannequin. Emily felt a presence next to her but was unable to turn.
“Hi,” Kenneth said.
“Hi,” Emily answered.
They stood for a moment. Glenn stretched out to smell the dog. The dog didn’t move a muscle, choosing instead to be smelled by the cat and await the cat’s decision.
“How did you find me?” she asked, still looking straight ahead.
“Well, my grandmother was full-blooded Orangelo. It was a tribe of people living in the Appalachian mountains until the 1940s. They were much like any other lost tribe of mountain natives except Orangelos have the gift of knowing where people will be at certain moments. I’m one-fourth Orangelo, so I know where people will be one-fourth of the time, often less.”
The dog contemplated his options. Flee before the vicious cat pounces, remain motionless and continue to wait, or attack like there’s no tomorrow.
“I’m mixed,” Kenneth added.
Emily finally turned to look at Kenneth. “I don’t believe you.”
Kenneth turned his body to face Emily. The dog and cat were now inches apart, but both had decided not to decide.
“O.K., I made that up. But I need to tell you something, Emily, and I need you to listen to me.
“Austin loves you, and I know you love Austin. Yes, you’re a weird couple. And, yes, it’s hard for the rest of us to understand. But love doesn’t know, Emily. Love doesn’t know the boundaries or the difference between Austin and Emily or Romeo and Juliet. It just goes where it goes, and it found the two of you, or you found it, or whatever. That’s what I’ve learned from you. We don’t have to figure everything out all the time.
“And the stuff in Las Vegas wasn’t Austin’s fault. It was me. I planned to get your money, get Austin drunk and occupied with the Waffle Hut hooker, and take off with the cash. That was the plan, but for some reason, and I’m still not sure why, I didn’t go through with it. Here I am, and here’s the money.”
Kenneth handed the bag to Emily. The cat took the opportunity to hop down to the sidewalk. The dog looked at Glenn, and then felt himself lowered to the ground and placed next to the wiry gray cat. They were the same height, the dog weighing a few pounds extra, but both held the knowledge that God gave the cat sharp claws. A gift He chose not to bestow upon the dog from the desert. There was a moment of silence, drawn out a moment more, as Kenneth and Emily stood facing each other off Hollywood Boulevard in front of Angelo’s.
Kenneth drew a long breath and exhaled slowly. He said, “Don’t be like me, Emily.”
Emily knew it was a difficult thing for Kenneth to say. She didn’t know why, and it didn’t matter. She leaned forward, stretched on tip-toes, and kissed the tall man gently on his rough cheek.
“Where is he?” she said with a big smile.
“He’ll be at the famous Chinese Theater on the hour. Don’t tell him you saw me. Just act like you ran into him by chance. You keep your money, and I’ll take the bag. It has my medicine inside. By the way, where’s the other cat?”
“He’s at the hotel. It’s hard to carry two cats. We can get married the day after tomorrow. There’s so much to do. A marriage license. A dress. Since Angelo is a friend of yours, can you help us arrange tuxedos for you and Austin? And you need to shave before the ceremony. We can’t have a preacher with stubble.”
She reached up and touched Kenneth’s face with her small hand, turned, and took off down the street in the direction of the Chinese Theater. Emily stopped suddenly, hurried back for Glenn, and took off again. Kenneth looked down at the dog, and the dog looked up at Kenneth. The sun rose impressively in the east, splashing light across the Boulevard.
•
Emily could see Austin’s large frame from a block away. She broke into a full sprint. Glenn bouncing in her arms like a sack of new potatoes. Austin was staring down at the handprints of Marilyn Monroe, wondering for a brief moment if her body was buried underneath, like in a mausoleum. He heard the sound of hurry, pivoted in the direction of the sound, and Emily was in his arms like she’d been shot around the world from a cannon.
“You came for me,” she yelled. “You love me.”
Glenn was smushed between two distinctly different bellies. He squeezed out and landed amongst the stars.
“I’m sorry, Emily. I’m so sorry. I don’t like hookers.”
“Good,” she said, and her feet returned to the solid ground.
Austin swallowed and said what he practiced. “Before I met you, Emily, I always had this lingering feeling that life really wasn’t worth the trouble. It was overrated, and sooner or later, one way or another, something would happen to prove the lingering feeling was true. But then I met you.”
He couldn’t think of the next word. Austin went blank at the exact moment Glenn’s needle-like fangs punctured his marshmallow flesh just above the left ankle.
“Ahhhh,” and Austin dropped to his knees in pain.
“Emily?” Cremora said.
“Cremora?”
And they hugged. “What are you doing here?” Emily asked, hopping up and down with excitement.
“We came for you. I was in Las Vegas because of
the hurricane. I ran into these two idiots and figured they’d never find you without me.”
Austin backhanded the cat, sending Glenn spinning into the air like a helicopter blade. Drops of blood soaked into Austin’s white socks.
“You can be in the wedding,” Emily screamed. “You can be the maid of honor.”
Then Emily remembered the fortune cookie. “It’s coming true. It’s all coming true.”
She scurried to Austin, who was still on his knees, the pain finally ebbing. “Remember?” she said. “Remember your fortune? ‘A grand and glorious adventure awaits you!’ Aren’t you glad you ate it? And remember my fortune? ‘I will get new shoes.’ Look! Look at my feet.”
They both looked down to see the shoes Emily had been given by Austin’s mother. And then Emily noticed Austin’s boob. She looked into his eyes, staring intently, overcome by jealousy and suspicion, triggered by a prehistoric instinct of some sort.
“What’s that?” she asked, glancing quickly down and up again.
Austin glanced at his boob, “Oh, I got bit by a spider. It was awful. My nipple’s the size of a small frisbee.”
Emily digested the explanation and apparently believed it. “O.K.”
Kenneth happened upon the scene. The desert dog was extremely disappointed to spot the cat again. He had hoped the earlier encounter was a one-time thing.
Emily addressed the group. “We’ve got so much to do. We’ll get two rooms at the hotel, one for the boys and one for the girls. Angelo’s has the perfect dress, and we can rent tuxedos there, too. And don’t forget the marriage license. And the rings.”
Emily screamed out, “The rings. Oh my God. The rings.”
On the walk to Angelo’s, Austin hung back with Kenneth while the women led the way. He waited until they were a good distance ahead.
“I’m in somewhat of a dilemma,” Austin whispered.
“And what dilemma would that be?”
“I hadn’t considered the cost of a wedding ring for Emily. It seems to be rather important to her.”
Kenneth laughed. “Do you know anything at all about women? If you wanna be around ‘em, if you wanna see ‘em naked every now and then, you’ve gotta jump through a lot of hoops, buddy. But I think I can help you with this one.”
Kenneth slowed down to allow Emily and Cremora to get even further ahead. He stopped, and then Austin stopped. Kenneth reached deep into his pocket, deeper than it seemed the pocket could go. He fished something out and held it for Austin to see. It was a diamond ring, solitaire, in a gold setting, with six smaller diamonds, three on each side.
Kenneth said, “When my wife walked out I sat around the house feeling sorry for myself. She left her ring on the coffee table. I laid there on the couch and stared at the damn thing. I finally put it in my pocket and left. It’s the only thing I took with me, and you can have it.”
“Have it?” Austin said.
“Yeah.”
Austin suspected foul play. He held the ring up to the sun as if he’d know the difference between a real diamond and a piece of shattered glass. He eyed Kenneth and wondered what else might be in the bottom of that deep pocket.
“Look, it’s not stolen. You gave me a ride all the way to Los Angeles. Give the ring to Emily. Bad becomes good. You know what I mean? But I have this idea.”
Austin was reluctant to ask. Surely the ring would come with a catch.
Kenneth said, “I think people should enter into marriages for a specific period of time. Say, like three years. At the end of the three years, if one or both of the parties doesn’t want to renew the contract, then they go their separate ways. It would just give everybody a light at the end of the tunnel.”
Austin said, “You told me that already.”
Kenneth felt Cremora’s hand pop him upside the head. She’d circled back unnoticed. “What the hell was that for?”
“You gotta ruin everything? They’re getting married. There’s no contract. There’s no three year limit. It’s forever. That’s what makes it important, turd sack.”
Emily came up just in time to hear “turd sack.” “What’s that mean?” she said.
There was no answer. “What’s your dog’s name?” Emily asked.
“I don’t know his name,” Kenneth answered.
“You know what?” Emily said. “We’re like the Wizard of Oz now. Remember? You’re the tin man because you’re tall. Austin’s the lion because he’s big and cute. I’m the scarecrow. Cremora, you can be Dorothy. So the dog is Toto.”
Kenneth said, “Toto was gay.”
“That’s stupid,” Emily said. “Toto wasn’t gay.”
Austin spoke out of turn. “I hated those flying monkeys. It’s not suitable for children. Mean monkeys with wings. My mother made me watch it every time it came on television.”
Angelo was cross-eyed. It was sometimes difficult to identify to whom he was speaking. His accent was thick Italian.
“Kenny?”
“Angelo.”
“I thought you leave California forever?”
“I did. Forever didn’t last too long.”
“Who you bring with you?”
“Emily and Austin are getting married in two days. She needs a dress, and I guess we need tuxedos, according to the bride.”
Angelo turned to face the women. “Oh, you will be a bootiful bride.”
“Not me,” Cremora said.
“Who?”
“It’s not me. I’m not the bride. It’s Emily.”
“That’s who I say.”
The women went in one direction, and Angelo stayed with the men to measure for tuxedos. He wrapped the tape around Austin’s wide back and stood in front of the monstrous groom. Angelo’s eyes were level with Austin’s chest. The enlarged tit could not be ignored, but Angelo hesitated to address the subject.
Kenneth stepped in. “It’s a tit, Angelo. One big tit. We need to strap it down somehow so it’s not so obvious.”
Angelo looked up at Austin. “Is it real?”
The question was confusing.
“Is it real?” Austin repeated. He was frustrated by the conversation. “It’s flesh, so yes, it’s real. It’s not a real mammary gland. It doesn’t produce milk, if that’s what you’re asking.”
Angelo was perplexed. “I’ve never seen just one alone without another. Where did it come from?”
Austin grew angry. “Look, Angelo, I need a tuxedo, not a mammogram. I was bitten by a highly poisonous spider. I’m lucky to be alive.”
There was a long pause.
Angelo said softly, “Can I see it?”
“Jesus H. Christ, no, you can’t see it. What’s the matter with you people? You act like I’ve come into possession of some secret we should all share. Spider. Bit my nipple. Swelled up. Not for you to see. Now can we just get the tuxedo?”
Cremora and Kenneth waited outside while Austin and Emily went inside for their marriage license.
“Haven’t you ever wanted to get married?” Kenneth asked.
“Not really. When we were kids, Emily loved everything about weddings. She would dress the dolls and have grand parties. It was like she was born for it.”
Kenneth glanced down at her blue jeans and let lust sneak into the conversation.
“What were you born for?” he asked.
She almost caught him looking, but Kenneth was quick.
Cremora said, “Are you asking me if I think I’m gonna change the world? No, I’m not gonna change the world. Are you asking me if there’s a point to all this? No, there’s no point. There’s nothing we can do that makes any difference at all.”
She continued, “Isn’t that the lesson, how to come to terms with complete futility and still wake up for another day? I think so. You can either drive yourself crazy with it or move along.
“And stop looking at my blue jeans. Lust is so retarded. There are three billion vaginas on the planet. Mine’s just as ugly as the rest. You’d be better off dancing alone.”
> Inside, Austin noted stares from several ladies in the office. Five days a week they watched love bloom in the two red chairs in front of Peggy Panco’s desk, but today they saw a 347-pound man with one large breast applying for a marriage license along with a young woman holding a nervous cat.
Emily said to Peggy Panco, “Glenn’s gonna be the flower girl. He’s not a girl, he’s a cat. A boy cat. But still.”
“Date of birth,” Peggy recited.
“The first time I saw him I knew he was the man for me. The first time. I was buck naked. He was drinkin’ a milk punch. I said to myself, ‘I’m gonna have his babies’.”
Austin smiled proudly and shook his head.
Outside, Kenneth said, “It just seems to me you’re bitter before you’ve had a chance to have your heart broken. Like a preemptive strike, blow all the myths to kingdom come before they can hurt your feelings. What way is that to live?”
“Look, tin man, you’re the one without a heart, not me. Everybody’s looking for something. The lucky people are looking for something they already have.”
Austin didn’t realize he’d have to lie in order to receive a marriage license in Los Angeles. On the way walking to the hotel, Emily stopped in a tourist shop. She was surrounded by souvenirs and eventually selected a miniature Grauman’s Chinese Theater because the location held special memories.
At the hotel, the dog stood like a statue as Ulysses arched his back and released a long, slow growl. Glenn watched with a smirk. He seemed to have reached the conclusion the dog was harmless and now it seemed humorous for Ulysses to show such fear.
Emily announced, “The wedding is scheduled for 10:00 a.m. sharp, not tomorrow but the next day, on the Julia Roberts star. From now until the ceremony the bride and groom will not see each other. Your room is two floors down. The ceremony will be performed by Kenneth, Cremora will be the Maid of Honor, Glenn and Ulysses will be flower cats, and don’t be late.”
Later that night, when Kenneth fell asleep in the chair watching a Mexican game show, Austin stretched the telephone cord into the bathroom and sat down to call his mother.
Austin and Emily Page 16
