by Lauren Wood
“Survival.”
He paused for a moment and though we were still talking in a relatively soft tone, I knew that it was only a matter of time before the temper came out. He was always just one or two words away from going into hulk mode and I was waiting for it. I didn’t want him to get so mad with Stephanie there, but I couldn’t help my smart mouth. I never had been able to do anything about it. Most of the time I thought of it as word vomit.
“What do you want Cass?”
“I want you to come back home. You should know what I want.”
“Home?”
“Well I can’t go there right now. The cops are heavy by my place. I haven’t gotten a lawyer down there to talk to someone yet, but that will be taken care of soon enough.”
“Cass you shot at police officers and hit a couple of them. I don’t think the lawyer is going to get you off from that without doing some time.”
He made a sound at me as if I didn’t know what I was talking about. Maybe I didn’t, but I liked to think that it was him that didn’t get it. Cass really thought that he was able to get rid of anything that he didn’t like in his life. All it took was a little money and determination. I had heard him say it a million times and if I hadn’t seen him do it so many times in the past, I wouldn’t have thought it possible. But he was confident and that made me nervous.
“You will see. Don’t you worry, Fran. I am going to be out and with you for a long time. When are you coming home?”
“I am not coming home Cass. That is not my home anymore and I am certainly not going to the hideout to live.”
“You will come, Fran.”
I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to tell him to piss off and leave me alone. I knew that he was going to act like everything was okay. But we both knew it wasn’t. If Cass wasn’t going to kill me, he was going to make sure that I wished I was dead. I knew him too well to even entertain the possibility that he would forgive me. That was just not the way Cass was.
“Cass, it’s over. Just let me go. I want to move on and I know that you do too. It hasn’t worked in a long time. It is best for both of us if we just walk away now.”
My suggestion pissed him off. I could hear the tone change in his voice and it was the start of the anger that I didn’t want him to feel. He was there with Steph and she didn’t know how to handle someone like Cass. She was a good girl and it wasn’t like when I dealt with him. I knew what to expect, Steph would be afraid and I didn’t want that for her.
“You know that I am not going to do that. You thought you could get with another guy and move on. I was still in the hospital when you moved on. What does that say about you? Tells me that you are a little slut.”
I closed my eyes and I tried to breathe a little slower. This was going to turn bad quickly, now that the name calling had begun. I didn’t know what he thought or saw that made him say such things, but it wasn’t the first time. There had been times that he had hit me because some guy was looking at me in a way that he didn’t like. It didn’t matter that I did nothing wrong. Cass had always been really jealous.
“What are you talking about Cass? I don’t want to move on to another person.” I just want to move away from you. I couldn’t say that last bit though. I knew that it wouldn’t go over too well. How could it?
“I am talking about that guy I saw you with at the restaurant. You could have done better than Lucas, Fran. He is nothing but small fish. He doesn’t even move enough to make it worth my time to meet him. That is who you were going to leave me for?”
Something in me perked up and I was afraid that Cass saying something about Lucas meant that he had seen him touch me. As soon as he had done it and I had the feeling that he was close, I knew it was going to be a problem. Cass would be livid. Did he do something Lucas?
“It isn’t like that Cass. It was just a customer.”
“Don’t act like I am stupid Fran. He used to be the neighbor and you are trying to pretend that you didn’t know him?”
He kept talking about Lucas like he was in the past tense. I wanted to ask, but I was afraid to ask. Whatever me and Steph were told, we would have to keep to ourselves or he could decide that we wouldn’t. Considering that I called the cops on him, I don’t think that he trusted me to keep my mouth shut. Unless he was going to threaten me and make it so I didn’t.
“I didn’t know him Cass.”
“He touched you.”
“It was harmless.”
“Well I bet he wished that he had never done it.”
He liked this. He wanted me to ask him what happened, he wanted to tell me what he did and I finally just played into his game.
“What did you do to Lucas, Cass?”
“Are you going to admit that you know him?”
“No Cass, he was just a customer that started to come in for breakfast. My face is all bruised up and I am sure that he just felt bad for me. Some men don’t like to see women all black and blue Cass.” I was forgetting myself and I was pissing him off on purpose. I wanted him to see what he did was wrong, but I didn’t think he had a conscious. I think he loved me in his own way, but it was conditional and laced with a lot of threats. That was the only way to keep me with him and he knew it.
“Well you deserve it Fran. The mouth on you makes you lucky that you are even still breathing.”
“What did you do to him Cass?”
“Who?”
“Lucas!”
I was losing my temper and that wasn’t going to do any good. It didn’t matter how upset I got, nothing mattered, but what Cass thought.
“Don’t you dare yell at me, Fran. I see that you are acting brave. You must have put some distance between us or you wouldn’t be talking to me like this. I did what I had to do. Lucas shouldn’t have touched what was mine.”
“I am sorry Cass, I didn’t mean to get loud with you, but I want to know what you did.”
“I just gave him a little welcoming to the neighborhood, that’s all.”
I had a feeling what that meant and my heart pounded harder in my chest. All of the thoughts I had about me and him being together or all of the what-ifs were gone. I hated that he had been hurt because of me. I didn’t want that to happen, that’s why I had warned him, but it didn’t appear to be enough.
“Cass, why do you have to do stuff like that? He hadn’t done anything wrong.”
“Why are you so worried about it? You need to worry about what I am going to do to your little friend here if you don’t come home. I want you home tonight.”
“I can’t get there that soon.”
“Where are you?”
I didn’t want to tell him, but the way he was acting, he would hurt Steph if he thought it was necessary to get what it was that he wanted. I knew that I didn’t want any more pain on my hands and I didn’t want anything to happen to Steph. She was one of my best friends and she wasn’t about this life. She didn’t deserve to be caught up in the middle of it. At least Lucas was from the same world. It didn’t make me feel any better, but it did make me realize that it was part of it. It didn’t matter anyways. I couldn’t help him anymore. I could help her, so I had to do what I could.
“I am in Florida.”
“It’s not that far away. You could make it by the time the sun comes up.”
“I am in Marathon, in the Keyes. It is going to take a bit longer than that to get there Cass. Just let her be and I swear to you that I will leave now and be there as soon as I can.”
“Why should I believe you? I know that you have no problem leaving someone to twist in the wind. What makes me think that you aren’t going to do the same exact same to her?”
“She doesn’t have anything to do with this. Just leave her alone Cass, please. I will do whatever it is you want me to do, I swear.”
The silence on the other side of the phone just made it easier to hear the pounding in my ears and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t know if he was messing with me with a smile on his f
ace, or if he was really considering it. There were no other sounds behind him, so I hoped that it meant he was leaving Steph alone and that he would continue to.
“Fine Fran, but I am not going to give you long to get here. You better drive like I know you can, like we are robbing a place. Do you hear me Fran? We have a lot to talk about.”
I knew that the subject he was most worried about was the one that he didn’t want to bring up on the phone. He wanted to know about the police and since I knew how he felt about snitches, I had a feeling that I know what is going to happen when I got there. But I had to go back, no matter how bad it was going to be. He had Stephanie with him and I didn’t have a choice. I couldn’t let someone else get hurt because of me. I just didn’t want that on my conscious.
“I promise Cass, I am leaving now. Please don’t hurt her.”
He chuckled. “You don’t understand me very well Fran. I never like to get violent. I just have to sometimes. With you, I never wanted to hurt you, but you have to learn. You have to be able to see that Fran. It was all for your own good.”
It was laughable what he tried to justify, but I wasn’t stupid enough to push it. I was going to do what Cass wanted, no matter what the outcome was. I didn’t really have a choice.
“I will be there as soon as I can. Just don’t do anything to her Cass. Give me your word.”
I could tell that the request bothered him, but I was bothered as well. “I will give you twelve hours to get here. I am going to stay with Steph to make sure that you make it here. Let’s hope that you care about her more than you cared about me.”
The phone went dead and I was shivering. It still wasn’t the cold doing it, but the cold man that I had loved at one time. I had to ask myself, what in the world had I been thinking?
Chapter 11
Fran
The drive back to Louisiana was one of the longest in my life. I knew what I was going home to and I didn’t want to be there. I was going because I didn’t have a choice and I didn’t want anything to happen to Steph. I knew Cass too well to think that he wouldn’t do anything. He was a man of his word and that is what I had to hold onto. If he was, then he would give me the time that he said and he wouldn’t touch Steph. I wished that I had more time, maybe I could come up with a plan, but at the end of the day, I just wanted to make sure that she was okay. I didn’t need any more on my hands.
My mind wandered to Lucas more than once. I was worried that Lucas had killed him. I was almost sure that he had. Cass thought he had killed him and he wasn’t usually wrong. I didn’t know him well, but he was a nice guy, nicer guy than what I was used to. I was sure that he didn’t deserve it. How was I going to ever make up for that? The only thing I could think to do was try to do something with Cass. Maybe I could make him happy and he would stop hurting people, well at least in my name. I didn’t even imagine a world where Cass was a nice guy, but at least it wouldn’t be because of me.
The road was long and it was daylight when I finally hit the state line. I still had a ways to go, but I was getting there. Now I just had to meet him at Steph’s house and everything would be okay. This is what I told myself anyways, what I had to tell myself or I was going to lose it. I couldn’t think about any alternative. I just couldn’t.
I saw my exit coming up and the clenching in my chest was getting worst. If I wasn’t so young, I would have thought I was having a heart attack, but it wasn’t that, I was sure it was just anxiety. How else was I supposed to feel? Cass was a scary man and since I was the one that had gotten him into this mess, I was sure that he had nothing but hate for me at the moment. That was not a scenario that I wanted to be in, but it was one that I didn’t have a choice about. There was nothing I could do but what he asked of me. Caspien was definitely the man in charge and that was a frightening prospect. The man that I had once loved was going to show his true colors and that absolutely terrified me. I had seen him mad before and it was not a pretty picture.
So when I got in front of Stephanie’s house, I won’t say that I didn’t have an urge to just run. I didn’t want to pay whatever price he was going to think I owed. I just didn’t want to, but I had to. Why did he have to go to Steph? Why did Cass have to be this way?
“Are you going to get out of the car or are you going to sit there staring up at the apartment all day?”
Cass had a smile on his lips and I had to say that it wasn’t good to see him at all. He was standing on the balcony and he might as well have been waving to me. It was just not right the way he was acting. He was acting like everything was okay, but it just wasn’t. I was starting to wonder if it was ever going to be okay again.
“Come on Fran. Steph is in here waiting for you. We have been waiting long enough for you to show up.”
“Just let her go Cass and I will come up.”
He made a sound that told me he was not happy with the new set of plans. He didn’t want to give up what he had over me, not until I was where he could reach me and he knew I wouldn’t be able to get away.
“I will tell you what Fran, you get your ass up here right now or I am going to throw her down to you.”
“You don’t have to threaten me Cass, I am here. I am doing what you say. You are in control, you always are.”
That got a smile out of him and whether it was necessary or not, I was quick to do what he said because of it. He always did have a way of getting what he wanted out of people, out of me.
I locked the car out of habit more than anything else. I didn’t really care if someone took my car. I had a feeling that I wasn’t going to need it anymore. All I could feel was a sense of doom in my stomach. This was not going to end well.
Making my way upstairs, I tried to settle myself. I didn’t want Cass to know that I was scared. He liked to think that I was as tough as he was, but the problem was that I cared. Where he could do all of these things with a clear conscious, I had gotten out of that kind of life because of it. I was still with him, but I had gotten to where I wouldn’t do the crimes that he asked of me. I would no longer be the driver for him. Now, there was no telling what he was going to want me to do.
“Come on in Fran, we have been waiting for you.”
He was too cheerful and I didn’t see Stephanie around. “Where is she?”
“She is lying down. She tried to stay up, but it was a long night.”
I hoped that he was being serious, but I really just didn’t know with him. All I knew is that I was here and he was the man with a plan.
“If she is here, let me see her and we will go. I know that you don’t want to be here. This is only a couple of miles from the house.”
“This place is fine. The beds are a lot better here than they are at the hideout. Remember when we did that robbery near Folsum and we had to stay up there for a week?”
The time that he was thinking about fondly, was not at all how I had remembered it. It had been one of the first times that I had did some work with him and it was the time that we were sure we had been caught. The cameras had gotten us on film, but somehow we had gotten out of it. Cass had talked to a few people, one being his lawyer and we were able to go home. I didn’t know what happened, but Cass did have a way of making all of his problems disappeared. I just had to make sure that he didn’t see me as one as well.
“Come on Cass. Let’s get out of here. I don’t want repeat of last time.” Last time the cops had come and I had thought for sure that I was going to get shot.
“Have it your way Fran. Go check on your friend and meet me downstairs in the car. I don’t want to be left waiting anymore. This is going to happen, so just make peace with it. I told you a long time ago that you were mine and you always would be. I meant it.”
***
The ride to the swamp was almost as bad as the one back home. Cass was sitting next to me now and he was the one behind the wheel. I should have known that I was going to have to do something to make him happy, but Cass didn’t ask for that. I was waiting for him to d
emand me please him in some way, but he didn’t even ask. It was the longest time that we had ever been together and sex was not expected. It made me even more nervous, because if he didn’t want me in that way, I had a feeling that I was going to be worth absolutely nothing to him.
When we got there, it wasn’t the same as it had been the last time we had went. The last time I had come with him I was a little bit scared about the robbery and what I had done, but now there was no nervous excitement. I had loved the man more than I could describe in words, now I knew what he was going to do to me. I didn’t know how or really even why, but I did know what the outcome was going to be. But if I hadn’t, it would have been another person that was hurt by me. I wasn’t going to let that happen. I just had to accept what was going to happen next.
“Come on Fran. Why are you acting like you don’t want to get out of the car?”
Because I don’t. I really don’t. It was going to be the last time that I drove in a car and right then I knew that that damn swamp shack was the very last I was likely to see. I didn’t know how Caspien was going to play this, but the fact of the matter was that he was going to get rid of me, permanently.
“It’s not that Cass. It has just been a long day. The trip here is never a good one.” I had a feeling my day was going to get longer.
“If you wouldn’t have called the cops Fran, none of this would have happened.”
I couldn’t believe that he was actually trying to reason with me. It wasn’t my fault that he had lost it and started shooting at the cops. That was a given. But what wasn’t a given is how it was my fault. I don’t get how something done there had anything to do with me. I called the cops because he was high and I was afraid he would get violent. Just because it wasn’t with me, didn’t mean that I didn’t have every right to do what I did. I wasn’t going to apologize for it.
“I thought you were going to kill me Cass. You know I am not a cop caller, but I didn’t want to die. That is all it was. I wasn’t trying to hurt you or get you in trouble. I just wanted you to stop. When you get like that, there is no talking to you.”
