He hangs up.
I could almost taste it, then… his desire to tell me how he feels.
I wonder if he never said… because he knows how terrifying a prospect that would seem to me.
Somebody who loves me?
Well, there must be something wrong with them – she would say.
Chapter Eight
Saskia and I meet for a McDonald’s. We always do it. Every year. She’s been on her own for so many Christmases now, it’s unreal. She doesn’t celebrate it anyway. Not sure what her religion is, but I wouldn’t put it past her to have started her own.
The staff behind the counter stare at us like there’s something wrong with us. We stare back equally as hard. We’re not the ones working in a fast-food joint on Christmas Day night. They are. They might be getting paid double time, but so what? Who are the real losers?
Probably us, we know that. I’m dressed in my jeans and jumper I was wearing last night when Adam came around, while she’s wearing her best pink velour tracksuit, with the sparkly stripe down the leg. Saskia never wears anything boring. And she has an ass that makes anything look good.
We order the same as always: two Big Mac meals. Large. I have a chocolate milkshake, she has a coke. I have an apple pie for afters, she has a McFlurry of some sort.
We take our seats and find plenty of available tables around us.
We’re the only two mugs in here.
She picked me up and drove us here. It’s not our usual city-centre McD’s this time. We’ve come out of town for a change of scenery. We’ve never told anyone we do this. People always assume we head off to a party together or eat at some exclusive place. Not that we come here to slum it – oh, and we do love it. We can come here and eat shit and not feel guilty. It’s the one day of the year when calories don’t count. And also, it’s always empty, so we can talk in private and eat shit at the same time. Best of everything.
“How was your mother?” she asks, eating her fries meticulously.
“She was in bed naked with this guy. The house was a mess and she got me a 3.99 necklace for Christmas.”
“No, she didn’t.”
“She absolutely did.”
She keeps her head down, not saying anything. She wants to say I told you so, but she’s too good a friend.
“Where are you staying?” I ask, because since her brother moved out of town, she hasn’t had anywhere to stay but mine whenever she’s up in Leeds.
“I’m going back to London tonight,” she explains, “just came to see you.”
“That means a lot.”
She looks up briefly. “I know.”
“What’s new with you, anyway. You’ve been quiet lately.”
She sighs and admits, “I’ve been offered a job in New York. I’ve been coming back and forth. It’s the same company, but they want to make it more permanent. That’s where I’ve been going when I, you know. I did a couple of projects but they want me to take on more.”
“I think that’s absolutely brilliant.”
Saskia is the most beautiful woman you could meet and yet, she’s about as unsure of herself as anyone I know.
“Yeah, but…”
“What?” I ask.
“It’s massive and there’s sort of…”
“A guy?”
She goes all coy and I never thought I’d see the day.
“Who is he?”
She shakes her head, annoyed with herself. “I’m not ready to talk about it yet.”
I rack my brain trying to remember all the emails Lily wrote while I was in Oz. Then all the ones Sass wrote.
“Is it someone we know?” I ask, trying to wheedle it out of her.
“It’s complicated,” she says, so coy.
I frown, worried for her.
It has to be serious or she would’ve taken this job already.
“Do you love him?”
“I think I do, which is inconvenient. I’ve never wanted any of that. You know? Never.”
“Adam came over last night,” I blurt, to get her attention and take her mind off her own worries for a moment.
“WHAT?” She licks her perfectly lined and rouged lips.
“The pub was empty so he went to Mum’s, maybe thinking we’d all be there. When he couldn’t find me, he tracked me down at home, carrying a bag of beer. We talked a bit. Then Cole rang so I took the call in the kitchen. When I came out, Adam was gone.”
“Weird,” she says. “What did you two talk about?”
I laugh because it’s silly. “Not much, really. I think we talked more this morning.”
“Huh?” Her face beams red, her eyes widen, then I shake my head fearing she’s got the wrong idea.
“Uh, I mean, he texted… not that he came back and we did anything.” I laugh nervously. “No. Well, he texted me this morning and we sort of got into this convo about what might have been and it’s really clear from him he doesn’t see me like that, nor has he for many years. Kind of cruel, actually. He could’ve at least pretended he rubs one out over me now and again.”
She shakes her head. “Sometimes, I don’t get Adam.”
“You seem to have an opinion about him you want to share,” I urge.
She grapples with her burger and takes a bite, then once most of it is chewed, she speaks as she chews, because there are no airs and graces between us.
“At Allegra’s funeral, you know… Theo’s mum…” I nod because even though I wasn’t there, I did hear about it. “Me and Adam spoke. He was defending her even then, that bitch.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“Oh my god.”
“And he was all up in my face as though I was being a bitch just because I have your back.”
“Yeah, but you do have my back,” I say with a snigger.
“Course I do, but I also know a fucking fake bitch when I meet one.”
I laugh my dirtiest laugh as I shove in four fries at once. “Go on.”
“And he was all like giving it me this and that at the wake, even though during the service, the bitch was giving me and Marie evils. At a fucking funeral for someone she never even knew. Then, get this… Tom came onto the bitch, like he does, it’s Tom… you’d be worried if he didn’t… and you’ll never guess…”
“I can’t guess! I don’t think I want to!” I laugh loudly.
“She said to him, and this is from Tom by the way, so take this with a pinch of salt, but she said to him that if he ever needed some good gear, she could get him the best, he need only say. She said she could hook him up with the most quality shit. She’d heard he likes the good stuff.”
I slap a hand over my mouth. “What the actual fuck, Saskia!”
Using her full name, I hope she knows just how shocking this news is.
“Well it’s a little bit obvious, right. Her dad comes to another country and can’t get a loan to start his own business and has no money at all. He must have had to start somehow.”
I’m shaking my head over and over. “That woman is rotten to the core. What did Tom say?”
“Thankfully he’s been in counselling and doesn’t do Class A anymore, just the odd bit of weed to take the edge off, but he’s even downgrading that. But I mean! Even Tom was shocked. He said the way she talked to him, it was like she was a different person to the one she puts on around Adam.”
“What the fuck did he get himself involved in?”
“Some muggy shit, my friend. Some muggy as shit fucking toss, that’s what.”
I shovel salty fries interchangeably with the burger and milkshake.
“Adam’s many things, but he doesn’t deserve that,” I tell her straight. “She’s a Class A bitch of the highest order, but he no way got an inkling of that before he wed her, right?”
“He must have done, Chlo. Come on. Even the nicest people turn Bridezilla before a wedding. He must have seen something of the person she really is but let me tell you, it’s apathy that’s the cardinal sin of this world babe, sitting bac
k and doing jack shit while bitches like her get away with it.”
I’m almost done with my meal while she’s still making her way through hers, taking her time. I watch her picking her way through carefully and get lost in admiring her little lovemaking session with the one McDonald’s she allows herself per year.
“He treated you badly,” she tells me. “He doesn’t deserve another moment of your time. You have to forget him.”
“It’s not as easy as that, but I’m getting there.”
“I just can’t be doing with it,” she tells me.
“But you’re still thinking about that guy. What’s his name, by the way?”
“Nice try,” she says, and the way she licks her lips, I know she really likes him.
This is new, she has never liked a guy before. Saskia only ever hooks up.
She doesn’t do relationships. She doesn’t have time. She has too much to keep her occupied already.
Until now, it seems.
“Can’t you tell me anything?” I wink.
She closes her eyes and bites her lip. “Like, I don’t know, if there were such a thing as death by beautiful man, he’d be it.”
“He sounds delicious. Like death by chocolate, only better. Your brand head is always on, huh?”
“I could brand him, alright.”
We laugh so loudly, the staff pop their head around the corner, wondering what the noise is. Maybe they expected we would have already left. Maybe we’re all that’s stopping them from closing up for the night. Good!
“Cole is coming over in a couple of weeks,” I tell her quickly, getting it out there.
She grins and throws me a wink. “That’s good.”
“I do really miss him, but I’m just afraid I’ll fall so hard that I’ll leave everything behind for him. And what if it goes wrong? What if we can’t be faithful to each other like he wants?”
She scratches her head and grimaces. “It’s up to you, whatever you want. But I really like the guy. He’s good for you.”
“I have to admit you’re right about that.”
I eat my apple pie now it’s calmed down and isn’t spewing molten lava everywhere. She even lets me dip it in her ice cream to warm that sucker up.
I throw her a defeated look. “I know you’re right about Adam, even Theo said that it’s just a stupid remnant of childhood I can’t let go of.”
“You spoke to Theo about it?”
“Yeah.”
She narrows her eyes. “Fuck, he’s hot. It’s not just me?”
I nod fast. “It’s like… not right. I place the blame directly at Lily’s feet. She turned him into this fucking irresistible bastard.”
“I get hot just thinking about that play he was in. He’s been my secret actor crush for a few months now. First it was Henry Cavill, then Christian Bale… there’s been a few… Theo’s been up there a while now. It was those tight things he wore on stage. You could tell he was huge. I mean, like, fucking huge. He’s like come of age or something, like a fine cheese, and we’re all at the mercy of his masculinity. It’s not right he only wants her.”
I slam my hand against the table laughing and this time the staff actually come out of their hole and stare at us, arms folded. They definitely want us out now and we laugh even louder.
I finish all my food while Saskia carries her drink and ice cream to the car. We sit in her zippy TT while she finishes her food, the heat turned up to maximum, the engine gently purring. Often, our best conversations have been had while sat in her car, either in the lot of someplace like this or outside her house or mine.
“How big do you think he is?” I ask, having never seen the play.
“Nine at least, maybe ten. Lily probably needs a big one though.”
Our laughter fills the car and our jiggling bodies shake it almost off its chassis.
I tap my lip, thinking back. “Lucky fucking bitch. I saw Paul’s once, you know. He’s proper average. Six at best, I think. Maybe seven when he’s fully sober.”
Saskia snorts and almost spits out her coke, hand over her mouth. “Gross. Don’t know how she could have gone there. He never did it for me.”
“Nor me, all that body hair.”
“I don’t mind a bit of hair, just… nah… the drinking and all that and his weird brothers. Couldn’t be doing with that bullshit.”
“Too true.”
Without a word, she drives off and takes me home in silence. It’s only a mile away to mine and we park up outside my terrace, the engine still running. I feel like there’s a ton of stuff I want to say, but we could just as easily spend days or weeks not talking and enjoy the peace and quiet of being two women who share the same outlook on life.
“Do you know,” she says, “I do believe those guys have a secret.”
“Which guys?”
“Tom, Paul, Adam and Theo.”
“What makes you say that?”
“At Lily and Theo’s wedding… Tom and Adam were knee-deep in conversation towards the end of the night and the way they were huddled, it was like it was proper clandestine.”
“Yeah?”
“And then I engineered it so I was walking past when they were huddled real tight and I overheard Tom say something like, ‘We all agreed long ago, it won’t ever come out.’”
“Hmm, but… you’re just guessing. It might be a secret that just three of them kept, maybe less. Who knows? It could be a secret that might even involve Lily or Marie.”
“No, it was the way he said long ago. It was like he was referring to school and everything and the way he said all, I knew in my marrow he was talking about all the lads. I just knew it.”
“Weird.”
“Right.”
It puzzles me, but doesn’t surprise me. Everyone has secrets. The guys have more than most, I reckon. We did have some wild times growing up, some more than others.
“Just the way Tom looked stressed when he was chatting with Adam… I don’t know. Something about it got my hairs on end. You know how I get? Like that.”
“Sounds ominous.”
“What I think is that none of us can ever move on unless we detach from each other a little bit. That sounds bad, right?”
“No, I know what you mean,” I concede. “Once upon a time I would’ve been the first to shut down anyone who dared leave the group, but now… I’m seeing things different. I wouldn’t swap that time in Oz for anything. I needed it. I didn’t know how much I needed it until I got there.”
“Well, I think that’s why Tom can never decide if he’s back or not. This secret, I reckon. He was the one who looked worried. Like Adam was trying to remind him of it or something, I don’t know.”
“Let them worry about it, their problem,” I tell her.
“You ought to detach from Adam,” she says, spelling out what she’s really getting at. “I know you still have feelings for him, but maybe they’re misplaced.”
“I can’t help it,” I tell her. “I heard he was getting divorced and a part of me rejoiced. Either that makes me a bitch or just someone with a vested interest in him not being married to someone else.”
“I think you should trust me on this and detach,” she repeats, and I turn in the passenger seat to take a good long look at her. She’s facing forward with both hands holding the wheel at the base. She’s nervous.
“You know something,” I tell her.
“No, I just know what’s in my gut… that Adam isn’t worth it, babes. He really isn’t.”
“Does this secret… does it have anything to do with why he went cold on me?”
“He didn’t go cold on you, you went cold on him, remember?”
We always have this discussion and it always does come back to me having gone cold on Adam, but only because he looked ashamed when Paul caught us.
“I’d better get inside,” I tell her. “Sure you don’t want to stay?”
“I’ve got somewhere to be,” she says, trying not to smile.
“Would th
is be a somewhere with your lover?” I ask, trying to sound disinterested – failing miserably.
She’s still trying to downplay it even though it’s obvious things are serious. “I just think… I don’t wanna be alone forever. You’re gonna marry Cole, that’s clear. Lily’s loved up. Marie’s a lost cause. And all the single guys we grew up with that are left are morons. I’ve just gotta decide if there’s anything really keeping me here.”
“Me too,” I tell her, “me fucking too.”
We hug it out and hold it for longer than usual. Who knows when we shall see one another again? Hopefully it won’t be too long, but life happens, and you just never know.
“Love you,” she tells me.
“Love you too. Mail me. Or whatever. I’m sure you will.”
“You know I will, queen. Stay sexy.”
“I’ll try.”
Chapter Nine
Two weeks pass so slowly, like the hands of time have deliberately slowed down to piss me off. It’s a Thursday, the night before he’s due to arrive, and I’m getting myself ready. I’m afraid I won’t have time tomorrow to properly make myself pretty so I’ve done it tonight. I’ve shaved everywhere and scrubbed, too. I did a peel mask earlier and a deep conditioning hair treatment.
I’m pulling on my oversized chequered nightshirt when the doorbell goes downstairs. Not expecting anyone, I wonder who it could be. Fuck, I hope it’s not fucking Adam, who was the last person to knock unceremoniously. Never getting visitors, I don’t believe for a second this is going to be anyone good or helpful.
I stand behind the door and yell, “Who is it?”
“Open up and see,” he says, and I’m thinking I’m hearing things, but then he posts a pink rose through the letterbox and I know it’s him. He knows they’re my favourite.
I open up, my heart pounding, my breathing erratic… there’s my Cole.
He stalks indoors, drops his bags and throws me up into his arms, the door slamming behind him. I grab his shoulders hard and press my face into his hooded sweater, my legs clinging to his waist. We stay like this for a while saying nothing. He’s got me tight in his arms, not letting go. He smells like he’s been travelling but he also smells just as I remember him – warm and sun-drenched and masculine. I sense the relief in him as he puts me on my feet and loosens his grip, taking a good look at my face, his hands on my cheeks.
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