"Who's hired him?" Aahz demanded, seizing first position.
"The way I heard it, a group of magicians here at the Bazaar is none too happy with Skeeve's success. They feel he's taking all the choice assignments these days...getting all the glory work. What they've done is pool their money so they can hire the Ax to do what they're all afraid to do themselves...namely, deal with Skeeve."
"Do you hear that, Chumley? Still think I'm being melodramatic?"
"Shut up, Aahz. Where'd you hear this, little sister?"
"Remember Vic? The little vampire that relocated here from Limbo? Well, he's opened his own magic practice here at the Bazaar. It seems that he was approached to contribute to the fund. He's new enough here that he didn't know any of them by name, but they claim to have the support of nearly a dozen of the smalltime magicians."
"Why didn't he warn us as soon as he heard?"
"He's trying to stay neutral. He didn't contribute, but he also didn't want to be the one to blow the whistle to Skeeve. The only reason he said anything to me was that he was afraid that anyone close to Skeeve might get caught in the crossfire. I must admit, he seems to have a rather exaggerated idea of how much Skeeve here can handle on his own."
"Can I ask a question?" I said grimly. "As the intended victim?"
"Sure, Skeeve. Ask away."
"Who's the Ax?"
At least half the heads at the table swiveled toward me while the faces attached to them dropped their jaws.
"You're kidding!"
"Don't you know who..."
"Aahz, didn't you teach him any..."
"Whoa! Hold it!" I shouted over the clamor. "I can only take so much of this informative babbling at one time. Aahz! As my friend, partner, and sometimes mentor, could you deign to tell me in simple terms who the Ax is?"
"Nobody knows."
I closed my eyes and gave my head a small shake in an effort to clear my ears. After all this "Gee, why don't you know that?" brouhaha, I could swear he said...
"He's right, handsome," Tananda chimed in. "The Ax's real identity is one of the most closely guarded secrets in all the dimensions. That's why he's so effective at what he does."
"That may be true," I nodded. "But from the reaction in this room when you dropped the name, I'd guess that somebody knows something about him. Now, let me rephrase the question. If you don't know who the Ax is, could someone enlighten me as to what he is?"
"The Ax is the greatest Character Assassin in all the dimensions," Aahz said with a snarl. "He works freelance and charges fees that make ours look like pocket change. Once the Ax is on your tail, though, you might as well kiss it goodbye. He's ruined more careers than five stock-market crashes. Haven't you ever heard the expression 'take the ax to someone'? Well, that's where it comes from."
I felt that all-too-familiar "down elevator" sensation in my stomach.
"How does he do it?"
"It varies," my partner shrugged. "He tailor-makes his attack depending on the assignment. The only constant is that whatever you were when he started, you're not when he's done."
"I wish you'd quit saying 'you' all the time. I'm not dead yet."
"Sorry, partner. Figure of speech."
"Well, that's just swell!" Guido exploded. "How're Nunzio 'n' me supposed to guard the Boss when we don't know what's comin' at him?"
"You don't," Aahz shot back. "This is out of your category, Guido. We're talking about character assassination, not a physical attack. It's not in your job description."
"Izzat so!" Nunzio said in his squeaky voice. "Don Bruce says we should guard him. I don't remember him sayin' anything about physical or non-physical attacks. Right, Guido?"
"That's right! If the Boss has got someone after his scalp, guardin' him is our job...if that's all right with you, MISTER Aahz!"
"I wouldn't trust you two to guard a fish head, much less my partner!" Aahz roared, surging to his feet.
"Stop it, Aahz!" Tananda ordered, kicking my partner's chair so that it cut his legs out from under him and plopped him back into his seat. "If we're up against the Ax, we're going to need all the help we can get. Let's stop bickering about the 'who' and concentrate on the 'how.' Okay? We're all scared, but that doesn't mean we should turn on each other when it's the Ax that's our target."
That cooled everybody down for the moment. There were a few glares and mutters exchanged, but at least the volume level dropped to where I could be heard.
"I think you're all overlooking something," I said quietly.
"What's that?" Tananda blinked.
"Aahz came close a minute ago. This is my problem...and it's not really in any of your job descriptions. We're all friends, and there are business ties between Aahz and me, as well as Guido and Nunzio, but we're talking about reputations here. If I get hit, and everyone seems to be betting against me right now, anyone standing close to me is going to get mud splashed on them, too. It seems to me that the best course of action is for the rest of you to pull back, or, better still, for me to move out and present a solo target. That way, we're only running the risk of having one career ruined...mine. I got where I am by standing on your shoulders. If I can't maintain it on my own, well, maybe it wasn't much of a career to start with.''
The whole room was staring at me as I lurched to a halt.
"You know, Skeeve old boy," Chumley said, clearing his throat, "As much as I like you, some times it's difficult to remember just how intelligent you are."
"I'll say," Tananda snarled. "That's about the dumbest...Wait a minute! Does this have anything to do with my leaving?"
"A bit," I admitted. "And Massha leaving and Aahz's talking about responsibility, and..."
"Stop right there!" Aahz ordered, holding up his hand. "Let's talk about responsibility, partner. It's funny that I should have to lecture you about this, but there are all sorts of responsibilities. One of the ones that I've learned about from you is the responsibility to one's friends: helping them out when they're in trouble, and letting them help you in return. I haven't forgotten how you came into a strange dimension to bust me out of prison after I'd refused your help in the first place; or how you signed us on to play in the Big Game to bail Tananda out after she was caught thieving; or how you insisted that Don Bruce assign Guido and Nunzio here to you when they were in line for disciplinary action after botching their assignment for the Mob. I haven't forgotten it, and I'll bet they haven't either, even if you have. Now, I suggest you shut up about job descriptions and let your friends help you...partner."
"A-bloody-men." Chumley nodded.
"You could have left me with the Geek for the slavers," Markie said thoughtfully, in a surprisingly adult voice.
"So, now that that's settled," my partner said, rubbing his hands together, "let's get to work. My buddy Guido here has raised a good point. How do we defend Skeeve when we don't know how or when the Ax will strike?"
We hadn't really settled it, and Aahz wasn't about to give me a chance to point it out. I was just as glad, though, since I really didn't know what to say.
"All we can do is be on the lookout for anyone or anything strange showing up." Tananda shrugged.
"Like a showdown match of dragon poker with the Sen-Sen Ante Kid," Chumley said, staring into the distance.
"What's that?"
"You missed it, little sister. It seems our boy Skeeve has drawn the attention of the king of dragon poker. He wants a head-to-head showdown match, and he wants it soon."
"Don't look at me like that, Chumley." Aahz grimaced. "I'm changing my vote. If we want to preserve Skeeve's reputation, there's no way he can refuse the challenge. Now I'm willing to admit it'll be money well spent."
"My daddy can beat anybody at dragon poker," Markie declared loyally.
"Your daddy can get his brains beaten out royally," my partner corrected gently. "I just hope we can teach him enough between now and game time that he can lose gracefully."
"I don't like it," Tananda growled. "It's too convenient.
Somehow this game has the Ax's fingerprints all over it."
"You're probably right," Aahz sighed. "But there's not much else we can do except accept the challenge and try to make the best of a bad situation."
"Bite the bullet and play the cards we're dealt. Eh, Aahz?" I murmured.
I though I had spoken quietly, but everyone around the table winced, including Markie. They might be loyal enough to risk their lives and careers defending me, but they weren't going to laugh at my jokes.
"Wait a minute!" Nunzio squeaked. "Do you think there's a chance that the Kid is actually the Ax?"
"Low probability," Bunny said, speaking for the first time in the meeting. "Someone like the Ax has to work a low profile. The Sen-Sen Ante Kid is too noticeable. If he were a character assassin, people would notice in no time flat. Besides, when he wins, nobody thinks it's because his opponents are disreputable...it's because the Kid is good. No, I figure the Ax has got to be like the purloined letter...he can hide in plain sight. Figure the last person you'd suspect, and you'll be getting close to his real identity."
The conversation swirled on around me, but I didn't listen very closely. For some reason, a thought had occurred to me while Bunny was talking. We had all been referring to the Ax as a "he," but if no one knew his real identity, he could just as easily be a "she." If anything, men were much less defensive and more inclined to brag about the details of their careers when they were with a woman.
Bunny was a woman. She had also appeared suddenly on our doorstep right around the time the Ax was supposed to be getting his assignment. We already knew that she was smarter than she let on...words like "purloined" didn't go with the vacant stare she so carefully cultivated. What better place for the Ax to strike from than the inside?
I decided that I should have a little chat with my moll as soon as the opportunity presented itself.
Chapter Twelve
"No one should hide their true self behind a false face."
-L. Chaney
IT was with a certain amount of trepidation that I approached Bunny's bedroom. In case you haven't noticed, my experience with women is rather limited...like to the fingers of one hand limited.
Tananda, Massha, Luanna, Queen Hemlock, and now Bunny were the only adult females I had ever had to deal with, and thus far my track record was less than glowing. I had had a crush on Tananda for a while, but now she was more of a big sister to me. Massha was...well, Massha. I guess if anything I saw her as a kid sister, someone to be protected and sometimes cuddled. I've never really understood her open admiration of me, but it had stood firm through some of my most embarrassing mishaps and made it easy for me to confide in her. Even though I still thought of Luanna as my one true love, I had only spoken to her on four occasions, and after our last exchange I wasn't sure there would ever be a fifth meeting. The only relationship I had had with a woman which was more disastrous than my attempt at love was the one I had had with Queen Hemlock. She might not shoot me on sight, but there was no doubt in anyone's mind that she would like to...and she's the one who wanted to marry me!
Of course, none of the women I had dealt with so far was anything like Bunny, though whether this was good or bad I wasn't entirely sure. The fact still remained, however, that I was going to have to learn more about her, for two reasons: first, if she was going to be a resident of our household, I wanted to get a better fix on where she was coming from so I could treat her as something other than a mad aunt in the cellar; and second, if she was the Ax, the sooner I found out, the better. Unfortunately, the only way I could think of to obtain the necessary information was to talk to her.
I raised my hand, hesitated for a moment, then rapped on her door. It occurred to me that, even though I had never been in front of a firing squad, now I knew how it felt.
"Who is it?"
"It's Skeeve, Bunny. Have you got a minute?" The door flew open and Bunny was there, grabbing my arm and pulling me inside. She was dressed in a slinky jumpsuit with the neck unlaced past her navel, which was a great relief to me. When I called on Queen Hemlock in her bedroom, she had received me in the altogether.
"Geez! It's good to see you. I was startin' to think you weren't ever comin' by!"
With a double-jointed shift of her hips she bumped the door shut, while her hands flew to the lacings in her outfit. So much for being relieved.
"If you just give me a second, hon, I'll be all set to go. You kinda caught me unprepared, and..."
"Bunny, could you just knock it off for a while?"
"Huh?"
For some reason the events of the last few days suddenly rested heavy on my shoulders, and I just wasn't in the mood for games. She stared at me with eyes as big as a Pervect's bar bill, but her hands ceased their activity. "What's the matter, Skeevie? Don't you like me?"
"I really don't know. Bunny," I said heavily. "You've never really given me a chance, have you?"
She drew in a sharp breath and started to retort angrily. Then she hesitated and looked away suddenly, licking her lips nervously.
"I...I don't know what you mean. Didn't I come to your room and try to be friendly?"
"I think you do know what I mean," I pressed, sensing a weakening in her defenses. "Every time we see each other, you're hitting me in the face with your 'sex-kitten' routine. I never know whether to run or applaud, but neither action is particularly conducive to getting to know you."
"Don't knock it," she said. "It's a great little bit. It's gotten me this far, hasn't it? Besides, isn't that what men want from a girl?"
"I don't."
"Really?"
There was a none-too-gentle mockery in her voice. She took a deep breath and pulled her shoulders back. "So tell me, what does cross your mind when I do this?"
Regardless of what impression I may have left on you from my earlier exploits, I do think fast. Fast enough to censor my first three thoughts before answering.
"Mostly discomfort," I said truthfully. "It's impressive, all right, but I get the feeling I should do something about it and I'm not sure I'm up to it."
She smiled triumphantly and let her breath out, easing the tension across her chest and my mind. Of the two, I think my mind needed it more.
"You have just hit on the secret of the sex kittens. It's not that you don't like it. There's just too much of it for you to be sure you can handle it."
"I'm not sure I follow you."
"Men like to brag and strut a lot, but they've got egos as brittle as spun glass. If a girl calls their bluff, comes at them like a seething volcano that can't be put out, men get scared. Instead of fanning a gentle feminine ember, they're faced with a forest fire, so they take their wind elsewhere. Oh, they keep us around to impress people. 'Look at the tigress I've tamed,' and all that. But when we're alone they usually keep their distance. I'll bet a moll sees less actual action than your average coed...except our pay scale is a lot better."
That made me think. On the one hand, she had called my reaction pretty close. Her roaring come-on had scared me a bit...well, a lot. Still, there was the other hand.
"It sounds like you don't think very much of men," I observed.
"Hey! Don't get me wrong. They're a lot better than the alternatives. I just got a little sick of listening to the same old lines over and over and decided to turn the tables on 'em. That's all."
"That wasn't what I meant. A second ago you said 'That's what men want from a girl.' It may be true, and I won't try to argue the point. It's uncomfortably close to 'That's all men want from a girl,' though, and that I will argue."
She scowled thoughtfully and chewed her lower lip. "I guess that is over-generalizing a bit," she admitted.
"Good."
"It's more accurate to say 'That's all men want from a beautiful girl.'"
"Bunny..."
"No, you listen to me, Skeeve. This is one subject I've had a lot more experience at than you have. It's fine to talk about minds when you look like Massha. But when you grow up looking good li
ke I did--no brag, just a statement of fact--it's one long string of men hitting on you. If they're interested in your mind, I'd say they need a crash course in anatomy!"
In the course of our friendship, I had had many long chats with Massha about what it meant to a woman to be less than attractive. However, this was the first time I had ever been made to realize that beauty might be something less than an asset.
"I don't recall 'hitting on you,' Bunny."
"Okay, okay. Maybe I have taken to counter-punching before someone else starts. There's been enough of a pattern that I think I'm justified in jumping to conclusions. As I recall, you were a little preoccupied when we met. How would you have reacted if we ran into each other casually in a bar?''
That wasn't difficult at all to imagine...unfortunately.
"Touché!" I acknowledged. "Let me just toss one thought at you, Bunny. Then I'll yield to your experience. The question of sex is going to hang in the air over any male-female encounter until it's resolved. I think it lingers from pre-civilization days when survival of the species hinged on propagation. It's strongest when encountering a member of the opposite sex one finds attractive...such as a beautiful woman, or, I believe the phrase is, a 'hunk.' Part of civilization, though I don't know how many other people think of it this way, is setting rules and laws to help settle that question quickly: siblings, parents, and people under age or married to someone else are off limits...well, usually, but you get my point. Theoretically, this allows people to spend less time sniffing at each other and more time getting on with other endeavors...like art or business. I'm not sure it's an improvement, mind you, but it has brought us a long way."
"That's an interesting theory, Skeeve," Bunny said thoughtfully. "Where'd you hear it?"
"I made it up," I admitted.
"I'll have to mull that one over for a while. Even if you're right, though, what does it prove?"
"Well, I guess I'm trying to say that I think you're focusing too much on the existence of the question. Each time it comes up, resolve it and move on to other things. Specifically, I think we can resolve the question between us right now. As far as I'm concerned, the answer is no, or at least not for a long time. If we can agree on that, I'd like to move on to other things...like getting to know you better."
Little Myth Marker Page 8
