by Karen Anders
“You’re lucky, Captain Andreyev.”
“Da nyet. I feel better when I have girl and turn her over to you to get paid.”
He disconnected the call and went into the kitchen to the freezer and pulled out a bottle of vodka.
Dmitry looked up from his computer and smiled. Alex smiled back, knowing that Dmitry was aware if Alex was drinking, it meant they were celebrating.
His computer beeped. Alex walked up and looked over Dmitry’s shoulder. He was into MIT’s database. He grinned. They did have something to celebrate as Special Agent Vincent Fitzgerald’s personal information flashed up on his screen.
* * *
When Russell picked up the phone, Sky breathed a sigh of relief. She had to at least touch base with him, and the phone was untraceable, so she felt safe calling him.
“Russell?”
“Hello there, hon. How are you holding up?”
“Not very well. I wish I could go back to work.” She set the scarf down and rubbed at her forehead. The day had dawned, and Vin was outside again doing a perimeter check and making sure his map was accurate before he was satisfied. But she’d heard him shouting, and she guessed that he’d been talking to his boss. He wasn’t happy.
That was one man she wouldn’t want as an enemy.
She’d had a good time with him yesterday, but today she was feeling restless. It hadn’t been until he was fast asleep that she’d remembered she’d asked him if something was bothering him. He’d replied yes, but in the excitement of catching Monster and the rest of the fun, relaxing day, it had slipped her mind.
Being in his arms seemed to make everything better. But she didn’t want to get too used to it. There were still barriers to their understanding of each other. She’d read something in a journal once about how couples got used to sleeping with each other, so that it was hard for them to sleep without their partner.
She had to wonder if that was going to happen to her when she and Vin parted and went back to their own lives.
Her heart ached at that thought, but how could she reconcile her oath to honor her parents’ sacrifice and take this happiness for herself? Guilt tightened her chest and her throat hurt. She could barely remember what her mother looked like. She’d had to leave everything behind when they had fled. No pictures of her mother or father. Nothing to remember them by except for the solid foundation of her vow.
How many times had her father told her how important it was to make the gift of her intelligence count? How many times had her aunt reinforced that, mentioning how much her parents had sacrificed for her?
She was jerked back into the conversation when Russell said, “Well, you know you can’t. Not until this threat against you has been neutralized. But having your laptop with you will at least allow you to work some. I’m depending on you, Sky. Could you thank Agent Fitzgerald for relaying my message to call me back?”
“What? When did you call Agent Fitzgerald?”
“A couple of days ago. Actually, I called his boss. I’m assuming he relayed the message. I need the data on the Stargazer project.”
“It’s on my laptop.”
“Don’t you have that with you?”
“No. When I ran from the safe house, I had to leave it behind, but it’s secure with NCIS.”
“Well, are you close enough that you could get Agent Fitzgerald to get it for you? I’m desperate here. I need that data for a meeting I have at the Pentagon at the end of the week.”
“I’m almost finished analyzing it. It shouldn’t take me more than a couple of hours.”
“That would be stellar.”
“I’m sorry about all this, Russell.”
“So am I, Skylar. Thank you for handling that for me.”
She disconnected the call.
Vin came into the cabin then, and she turned toward him. He saw the phone in her hand and toed off his boots, frowning. It looked as though he was already in a bad mood. Part of his argument with his boss? Partly what he wanted to spill to her? “Who were you calling? It would be best if you didn’t call anyone.”
“I thought you said this phone was untraceable,” she said bluntly as her temper began to snap inside her like a live wire.
He walked up to her, already doing that observant once-over of her, scrutinizing her pose, her expression, the passion in her voice. “It is, but you could let something slip. We can’t trust anyone.”
To his credit, he didn’t try to placate her, but she almost wished he had. “I’m not an idiot. We can trust Russell. He’s my boss and has a high-level clearance.”
His gaze intensified, sharpened, as if he had sensed something in her. Slowly, he leaned forward until he was just a little too close. “Not high enough to be a part of Stingray. I don’t trust anyone at this point.”
Annoyance flicked through her, and her chin came up. “When were you going to tell me that he called?”
He rubbed at his temple, and his eyes hardened. “It slipped my mind, Sky. I had other things occupying my attention.”
“You had no right to keep that from me. This is my job.”
He stared at her a moment, then paced away, his tone flat. “Right. Your life. How could I have forgotten?”
She folded her arms, her anger jumping up a notch. “Don’t use that tone. My job is important to me. I have several high-level projects I’m working on. I want you to go get my laptop.”
“Sky—”
She marched up to him and poked him in the chest. “No, Vin. I’m going crazy here. All I’ve got to do is knit, and that is not stimulating my brain. I’ll be jumping out of my skin by the end of the week.”
“Why don’t you use your meditation CDs and do some yoga to relax?”
His dismissive tone only made her dig her heels in deeper, her stomach turning at the change of subject to something that she didn’t want to discuss. “Yoga is exercise, and meditation doesn’t take up a significant amount of the day. I didn’t start Espiritu to be a substitute for other pursuits, Vin.”
“What? You started Espiritu? That’s your business?”
She bit her lip. Damn him for distracting her. Now she’d let the cat out of the bag.
“Yes. In college as a project I was interested in sounds and how they soothed people. So I experimented with them and came up with a regimen to complement my yoga routine.” She looked away, trying to cover how much she didn’t want to talk about this.
“You love yoga, don’t you?”
Dammit, the man was too observant.
“Don’t you?” he pressed.
“Yes. I love yoga. Your point?” She said it calmly, but she wanted to shout it.
He studied her as if her anger didn’t even faze him. His eyes were intent and deep. They narrowed, and he said, “No, you really love it, like in you’d like to teach it.”
“That’s a frivolous pursuit,” she said, guilt twisting her up inside. It also happened to be true, but she’d put aside her own dreams of owning a studio for family obligations. “My time is better spent serving my country.”
“You have really done a number on yourself.”
She bristled. “Vin, I’m not in the mood right now to debate my choices. Right now I need you to get in the car and get my laptop. Russell needs the data for a meeting.”
“No.”
“What? You can’t refuse to do this for me. I’m not a prisoner.”
His expression eased. “No, you’re not. Back to the question on the yoga, I’m trying to understand. I really am, but I don’t buy into this theory that your parents wanted you to give up everything so you can use your big brain. That’s what my family wants me to do.”
“What? Is that what you were going to tell me yesterday? Is that what’s bothering you?”
“I’m torn between
protecting you and worrying about my family.”
He seemed evasive, as if he didn’t want to tell her the meat of the issue. As if he was holding back from her. She was hurt and shocked. She’d been so open with him. More open than she’d been with anyone in her life. “What is it you’re trying really hard not to tell me?”
“My father is ill, and he can no longer run the family business that is their sole income. That includes my sister, who works for the company. My father wants me to come back home and take over.”
She stepped closer to him. She softened her voice. Antagonizing him wasn’t helping. She tried to get control of her anger, but once she let it have free rein, it bubbled up from a dark well she’d kept a lid on. “Vin, please do this for me. Make it work. I know you can. I just want to stay busy.”
“No, you don’t. Working, for you, is all about maintaining your family’s honor. You feel if you’re not working, you’re somehow failing. It’s all tied up inside you together. You can’t separate them. Admit it.”
“What would you know about that? You’re turning your back on your family. I may work all the time, but I hold my family in esteem.”
“You’re getting me all wrong. Why can’t you understand what I’m saying to you? I love my family, but just because I don’t do what they want me to do, it doesn’t mean I don’t care about them.”
“You don’t want to do this to honor your family? Make this sacrifice? At least you have the opportunity to make a difference in their lives.” She wrestled with trying to understand his point of view and getting him to understand how maintaining family honor to her was more important than either individual freedom or individual achievement. Something both her parents had done without hesitation. How could she do anything less?
“That’s not fair and exactly how I expected you to react. How can I put this so you’ll understand? What I do at NCIS protects everyone, including my family. It makes my life worth living. I don’t want to give it up.”
“I don’t understand you, Vin. I can’t conceive of not helping out your family in their hour of need.”
He blinked a couple of times as if her words cut him to the quick. Sacrificing was something that she understood, but Vin’s need to find his own way without consideration of his family’s needs was very alien to her. Her emotions were tying her up, confusing her. Maybe it was her own personal failing, but the values had been ingrained in her from birth and that was all she could see. His face tightened, and the glimmer of hurt glistened in his eyes.
He stepped within inches of her, leaning down, meeting her at eye level, his nose almost touching hers. In the bright light, his green eyes were as hard and unrelenting as agate. “No, you don’t get me, Sky. Taking what you want in life honors yourself. I don’t know the situation yet. I don’t know what is going on at home. I’m conflicted about the choices I have to make, and you siding with my family doesn’t help.”
She was in full panic mode now. It was better to make it clear to him about where she stood. She couldn’t do this. She didn’t know how, and it already hurt more than she could stand. “It’s obvious to me that we have different mind-sets when it comes to how we view our families. You don’t understand me, and I don’t understand you. Family honor is the foundation of my culture.”
“And freedom of choice is the foundation of being an American. So we are of two different minds when it comes to this. Or are we? You’re holding on to the past. You were just a child then, and it must have been terrifying to lose your mother, then be separated from your father. You’re afraid of real emotion like we’re sharing. It scares you because it brings all of that back. That’s why you isolate yourself from living, and work has become so important to you. You’re afraid of life. You haven’t even visited the Philippines. You aren’t embracing your culture. You’re running scared.”
She straightened, her heart lurching at his words. The hurt in his eyes having a profound effect on her, but she stubbornly held on to what she knew, afraid to walk into that unknown black void and deal with all the stuff he’d just mentioned. It wasn’t true. She was doing something important with her life, just as they’d wished it. She wasn’t afraid. She wasn’t. “And it seems we’re incompatible. I would lose respect for you if you don’t do what is right for your family. I just see it as dishonor. You disappoint me, Vin.”
He grasped her upper arms, and the feel of his hands sent waves of electricity through her. His eyes tormented with unexpressed emotions, he said, “Why can’t you just see me as a man who’s trying to make the right choices for his own life? You should make your own choices and stop holding on to the past, sacrificing everything for your deceased parents, who aren’t even alive to judge you.”
“I’m alive to judge me. My foundations are all I have left of them.”
“Are you alive? Do you live?” He got closer and the tension around them increased tenfold. She couldn’t help responding to him; her whole body yearned for him even with her anger and her disappointment wedging between them. She shivered at the way he looked at her, the desire melded with the pain and the tension ratcheting up with each breath they took. Longing welled inside her when he reached out to touch her, and the feel of his fingertips on her face eased an ache in her, filled the hole in her heart. He framed her face with his palms, his fingers combing back into her long hair.
He leaned down, his voice nothing more than a whisper. “I bet you’ve lived more while on the run these past few days than you have your whole life.” His mouth descended to hers, his lips trembling.
She couldn’t fight it. She sank against him, shivered against him, savoring the feel of his strong arms around her, the vulnerability in his kiss. Her skin alive with awareness, she tingled at the slightest brush of his fingertips, the sensations swirling in her like stardust.
“Feel that?” he said. “That’s genuine. That’s intimacy. That’s living.”
She wanted so much to yield, but she couldn’t. She pulled away, backed up and put distance between them. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
He sighed, looking as if he wanted to pursue her, but he didn’t. “Yes, I do. I know the truth hurts. So here’s a little more. I think you’re afraid of letting go and living, because with life comes pain and indecision and a whole host of chaotic and difficult emotion. I think that scares you because you’ve lived in this sterile life. You’ve lived in your head all these years, finding it hard to connect to people too mature for you at such a young age. Pain is living. Hard choices are all about living. Making your own decisions is living. What you’re doing is just marking time until it runs out. Will you have regrets then? Because there’s one more thing that’s all about living. Love.”
“I’m so glad you have me all worked out, and it’s not about me. It’s about you and your choices.”
“No. This is about you. But you’re the only one who can work that out. Obviously, what I say doesn’t really matter. I’ve been down this road, Sky. I’ve loved deeply, and my previous girlfriend couldn’t accept me for who I was. She didn’t value me for who I was, just who she thought I should be. What I’m looking for is acceptance, and the last thing I want is to be with a woman who thinks I’m not good enough.”
That stabbed like a knife. Her heart squeezed painfully at the thought, but she pushed the pain away. She had to go with what she knew and ignore her gut instinct. These feelings were too new, too sensitive, to be explored, so she reeled back away from delving any deeper. “I do value you, and I’ve struggled with my feelings for you. I have. But I don’t see how I can reconcile my heart. It’s being torn in two.”
“I know that feeling,” he said, his eyes telling the story of the same kind of issues she struggled with. He set his hands on his hips, then dug in his pocket for the car keys and the burner phone he carried. She pressed her lips together to keep them from trembling. “I’ll go get your laptop.
I’ll make it less than an hour. Why don’t you come with me?” It was an olive branch, but she was smarting from their disagreement and was afraid she would cry.
“No. I’d rather stay here,” she said in a small voice.
He sighed and she ignored it. “Keep your phone with you at all times, then.”
She ran to lock the door and, as her knees threatened to buckle, she collapsed onto the couch and dropped her face into her hands in despair. She gulped down tears and struggled to snatch a breath that didn’t catch in her throat.
She tugged her composure tight around herself. Damned if she let him make her cry for what she knew was right.
So why did it feel as if she’d just lost her whole world?
Chapter 15
He clutched the wheel in a white-knuckled grip and felt sick. His stomach twisted at her words. You disappoint me, Vin. They played over and over in his head. His fear was realized. She couldn’t accept him for who he was, and she used her parents’ sacrifice to keep from really living life. They were at an impasse. He wanted her understanding; that was really it and pretty simple. But her past and her sacrifice colored everything. Until she let go of that, he didn’t see they would even have a chance.
He set his GPS for the address Beau had given him. He was coming from the navy yard, where they had Sky’s laptop safe and sound, and rendezvousing not far from here. Beau was taking a clean car, and no one was aware where he was going. This wasn’t really risky, but Vin planned to be vigilant regardless.
He stared out of the windshield and could be happy about only one thing in that fight. She was mad and hurt. That wasn’t lost on him. Maybe once she calmed down, she would see what he was talking about. Her anger wasn’t a bad thing. It gave her away, telling him that it could only be fueled by passion. If she hadn’t cared, he wouldn’t rate that kind of response from her.
All he had to do now was convince her to let go.
And hold fast to the knowledge that while she was saying no and constructing walls, in that moment when she’d looked into his eyes, there had been confusion and longing plainly there for him to see. He was good at guessing what was going on in people’s heads, and the closer he got to Sky, the more he knew. She just had to figure it out.
