I wasn’t Preston’s type. I was wrong for him in every way imaginable.
I couldn’t help but feel relieved. He was wrong for me too, albeit for different reasons.
Stunned, but also slightly thankful, I left Maddie and continued to Preston’s room. I stopped in front of his door, took a deep breath, and knocked. Upon hearing his invite from the other side, I entered, hoping that Maddie would obey her promise to stay in her room and not eavesdrop.
Preston was sitting on his bed; a packed carry-on suitcase lying on the floor next to feet.
“Hey,” I said softly.
“Good morning.”
I was still thinking about how to begin when he said, “Maddie told you, didn’t she?”
“About your little photography collection?”
He nodded and looked up at me expectantly.
“Yes,” I replied. “She did.”
He sighed. “Dylan, I never meant to hurt you. I’m really sorry.”
“You didn’t hurt me,” I told him honestly. “But I think we would’ve both hurt each other if we’d allowed ourselves to go any further with this. Marriage, Preston? Really?”
“I’m so sorry.”
“The blame is on both of us,” I admitted. “I may have been your beard, but you were mine too.” Maybe not in the same sense, but I was using him to shield a large part of myself from my family and friends. For my own selfish reasons, I’d let the charade go on for much longer than I should have.
“What a mess,” he groaned.
“It’s not a mess yet, so let’s not allow it to become one. We could’ve gotten married and built ourselves a house of cards, but this is a chance for both of us to have a fresh, honest start,” I said.
His eyes met mine. “What are you suggesting?”
“I’m not going to tell you what to do and how to live, but I’m personally tired of lying and going through the motions of experiencing a half-fulfilled life. So I’m officially fake breaking up with my fake boyfriend,” I told him. “I need learn to take a chance on something that may not have a guaranteed outcome.”
He nodded. “I know, I know. So do I. My first step will be to tell my parents that you and I are no longer together. My second will be to tell them about Marcus.”
“Oh, so the dick has a name,” I joked. I couldn’t help but smile at the way Preston’s face lit up the moment he mentioned him.
Preston turned beet red as his gaze fell to his hands. “We’ve been seeing each other for the past year,” he said. “He’s a painter. Really, really good. I think you’d like him.”
“An artist? I already like him!” Hearing my phony ex-boyfriend talk about his real boyfriend made me realize that I probably wouldn’t have been as clueless about Marcus if Preston and I had spent more time together.
He looked up and met my gaze. “Dylan, I think he’s the one.” The expression in his eyes made my heart squeeze in my chest. “I think I’m in love.”
“Apparently, so is Maddie,” I said, trying to keep my thoughts from wandering to Sawyer. “She couldn’t stop gushing about some piercing she was rather intrigued by.”
Preston smirked. “He has this—”
“Oh, no!” I clasped my hands over my ears. “I know we fake dated for two years, but that doesn’t entitle you to sharing any explicit details regarding your boyfriend’s junk.” Then I sobered and added, “But if you ever want to talk—really, truly talk—please know that I’ll be here for you. Always.” I sank down on the bed next to him and took his hand. “If you need a friend, I’ll be here. I promise.” Despite everything we’ve put each other though, I meant those words from the bottom of my heart. I couldn’t even imagine the hardship of Preston’s internal struggle.
He squeezed my hand. “I know you will. Thank you.”
It suddenly hit me that this was the first real conversation that Preston and I had engaged in…well, forever. And all it took to get us talking was discovering his love for another man.
“You were right when you said that we were cut from the same cloth,” I said. “I understand your family situation, so if you ever need anything, I’m just a phone call away. Just, whatever you do, please don’t text.”
That made us both laugh out loud. Once our amusement died down, my mind and body experienced an intense sense of relief.
“I’m thankful that this thing between us was resolved so amicably,” Preston said.
“I hope that the next time we meet, we’ll both be living more honest lives,” I told him. “Don’t let anyone keep you from being yourself.”
Now if I could only follow my own advice…
“Same goes for you, Dylan,” he said, eyeing me carefully.
The road would not be an easy one for either of us, but love and happiness were two things worth fighting for. I could only hope that we’d be able to preserve and emerge victorious.
My round of amends didn’t end after making peace with Preston. From the front foyer of the cabin, I spotted Adam in the driveway. He was standing next to his rental, clearing last night’s snowfall from the Volvo’s windshield. I zipped up my jacket and slipped on a knitted wool hat, then headed out into the cold morning.
Leaning over the snowy front porch, I watched him work. Every brush stroke was so meticulous, as if he was performing a surgery. When he was done with the front of the car, he moved to the passenger side. In the process, his eyes caught mine.
“I don’t know what came over me last night,” he muttered. His voice was so low it barely carried the short distance across the driveway.
“You reminded me of Dad,” I told him as I pushed off the porch railing and made my way down the steps. “You bore a scary resemblance to all those times Dad had warned me to stay away from Sawyer, back when you guys were friends.”
“I guess I’m a lot more like him than I realized.”
“How could you be such an asshole?” I said once I reached the car. “Sawyer had no idea that Preston even existed.”
Adam stopped swiping and looked down at the ground. “I didn’t know that, Dylan.”
“Of course not. How could you? You don’t know anything about me. You rarely take any interest in my life unless it’s to call and congratulate me on acing an exam. And even those calls have been few and far between.”
“I’ve been busy. Medical school isn’t easy. You’ll see.” He moved on to the back window. “As for Sawyer, that was an honest mistake. I guess I shouldn’t have reamed him a new one.”
“You said some hurtful things, Adam. And not just last night,” I reminded him. “You ditched him as a friend ever since Mom and Dad forced you to quit snowboarding. Then, when sponsors started showing interest in Sawyer, you completely broke off your friendship.”
“Maybe I was jealous.” His brush strokes intensified. “Ever think of that? I could’ve been good enough to go pro.”
“But it wasn’t Sawyer’s fault that you didn’t, was it?”
White powder flew everywhere. “Guess not.”
“And then, near the end of your senior year, when he needed you the most, you weren’t there for him.” I’d never forgiven Adam for leaving Sawyer to fend for himself during the most tragic time in his life. “He could’ve benefited from having a good friend after—”
“I get it, Sis. I owe him an apology.”
Using the sleeve of my jacket, I wiped away some snow from the driver’s side. “Not just him. You owe me one too,” I said. “Even if you thought I was doing something wrong last night, you shouldn’t have acted the way you did. You’re my brother. You’re supposed to support me no matter what. You can chastise me and even be pissed off at me, but you don’t have to embarrass me. We’re supposed to be a team! You and me against the world.”
“Maybe in some other family, Dylan.” His eyes glistened sadly. “Has it ever been you and me against the world in ours?”
I shook my head. “No. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t start trying to be closer. You’re my only sibling,
but I barely know you.”
“And I barely know you. I think that’s why I didn’t even know what was going on between you and Preston. Maddie had to fill me in.” Softening, he said, “Did you guys work it out?”
“We did and we’ll be fine. As friends, that is.”
“So…what now?”
My gloveless hands began to turn red. I placed them in front of my mouth and breathed hot air onto my fingers. “Right now, I need to focus on doing what’s right for me.”
“What would that be?” Adam asked as he took off his gloves and handed them to me. Despite his aloofness, his older brother protective instincts never failed.
“I’m still trying to figure that out,” I said. “All I know is that what I’ve been doing in the past clearly isn’t working. I’m not happy.”
His blue eyes widened and his jaw unhinged. “What? No med school?” he asked, aghast.
I shook my head. “I don’t know. Maybe not…”
“I hope you know what you’re doing.” He pressed his lips into a thin line and I could tell that he was trying his hardest not to sound judgmental.
“I hope I do too. Can I count on you to be there for me if I happen to make some mistakes along the way?”
“What will Mom and Dad think? You know they expect you—”
“To live their idea of a perfect life?” I said, cutting him off. “Yes, Adam, I’m quite aware of that. I’m also conscious of the backlash that’s in store for me if I stray.”
My parents would probably disown me. They could never comprehend any of my passions, and they certainly wouldn’t be able to understand my need to follow a different path from the one they’ve mapped out for me. Getting good grades, becoming a doctor, marrying a wealthy man. That was their dream. It was a plan they’d built together, a recipe that was shaped by their own pasts.
My father’s past in which he was a poster child for “old money.” He pushed Adam and me to succeed because his father had done the same to him. After all, the Silvers came from a long line of Ivy League graduates and doctors with luxurious cars and beautiful wives.
My mother’s past, in which she was a survivor. Or at least she liked to think of herself as one. She also liked to pretend that she’d always been as rich and elegant as she is now, but the truth was that she came from an extremely poor farming family. She had struggled to rise above a situation she saw as debilitating and go to college. My father, whom she’d met while working at a country club, was her ticket to the life she had always dreamed of.
I liked to imagine that my parents’ relationship was founded on true love, even when my mother joked about my father being a means to an end, or when he told us that he only fell for her because of her pretty blonde curls. I knew that deep down inside my mother acted the way she did because she didn’t want us to experience the same hardships she had endured. She couldn’t afford piano classes or skiing lessons. No one could help her with homework assignments or ensure that she had proper tutoring for the SATs. She would constantly tell me how ashamed she was of her own mother’s lack of literacy skills and class.
“Grandma didn’t even know about the importance of daily tooth brushing, Dylan,” she would remind me every time we took a trip to the dentist. “I was seventeen the first time I saw a piece of dental floss!”
But somewhere along the way, both of my parents went a little overboard. And I had allowed them to do so. I had no one to blame but myself for having to pay that price now.
“I can’t keep being someone that I’m not,” I told Adam.
“Neither can I,” he surprised me by saying. Then I noticed the suitcase in the back seat of his car and it dawned on me that we were on completely opposite sides of the spectrum.
“You’re leaving?”
“I’m going to give Preston a ride to the airport, and then head back to meet up with Dad.”
“But I thought you were staying for one more day.”
“Just like you, I can’t be someone that I’m not, Dylan,” he said, shrugging. “And I’m not this Adam anymore. Yes, I used to love snowboarding, but it’s in the past now. That ship has sailed. Even if I still harbor resentment toward Sawyer for jumping on board in time, I don’t really care about the sport. Things are different now. I love the idea of being a doctor and I can’t risk anything ruining my chances. Working toward this goal is the greatest and most rewarding challenge I’d ever faced. I love the long hours, the countless days spent bent over textbooks and in research labs…I love everything about it. Do you know what I did yesterday when you and Maddie had your snowboarding lessons?”
“You said you were going to ride the glacier,” I responded.
“I did.” He paused and looked at me sheepishly. “But I lied. I went to a coffee shop to study.”
“What?”
“Yeah. I’m in Whistler and instead of hitting the slopes I hit the books.” He chuckled to himself. “But that makes me happy. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Can you understand that?”
While I didn’t share his passion for medicine, I tried to understand what he was saying. For the first time in what felt like forever, I finally saw a glimpse into my brother’s mind. I heard his thoughts—loud and clear—and I got an insight into his feelings. Even though I didn’t agree with him, I couldn’t help but love him. We may never have a chance to be as close as I wanted us to be, but this was a start. We needed to begin an open and honest stream of communication and nurture our relationship.
It was now or never.
“I’m going to try my hardest to understand and accept you,” I promised.
“And I’ll try my darnest to understand and accept you, Dylan.”
“Good. Because I’ll need you to be here for me, ready to take on anything Mom and Dad throw my way. Including pots, pants, machetes, and bullets.” A few of those items on the list were serious possibilities. “I have a feeling when I get enough courage to talk to them about my future, things will get messy.”
But I couldn’t worry about that right now. I had a few more days to live in this fantasy world with Maddie before I had to return to reality and face those important decisions. And I was going to try and make the most of my time in Whistler.
That meant finding Sawyer and apologizing for my actions. Who knew, maybe he would be able to help me figure out what to do. After all, he was the one who stirred dormant thoughts within me and encouraged me to lose control.
If it hadn’t been for him, I would’ve never questioned my happiness. I could’ve kept living in limbo, not even realizing there’s something else out there for me. A different life. A better career. And most importantly, a guy who could make me feel things no one else could.
That is, if he ever found it in himself to forgive me.
CHAPTER TEN
Upon bidding Adam and Preston goodbye, Maddie and I spent another full day at Blackcomb Mountain with Connor. Or, as Maddie liked to call him, Aussie Hottie Connor. Between trying to follow his directions and attempting to avoid breaking my arms, legs, and neck, I also had to entertain Maddie’s theories about the poor guy.
According to my best friend’s rather non-scientific premise, our instructor’s kinetic skills on the slopes indicated that he was even more accomplished in bed. And now that Adam was no longer a possible conquest, Maddie planned to “mend her broken heart” by carrying out an experiment to prove her hypothesis. The way Connor matched her flirt-for-flirt, I had a feeling that he would be a very willing participant in that research project.
Though we spent much of our time gossiping about Connor and Sawyer, Maddie and I kept to our agreement that the day would be all about the two of us. In spite of my bruised heart and Maddie’s overactive libido, I could always count on the two of us to find a way to have a good time. Or “the best time ever” if Maddie had anything to say about it.
She was my perfect opposite. The girl who spoke her mind and followed her heart—and other bodily organs—no matter what. Her motto of doing first and thin
king later contrasted mine of thinking, thinking, planning, and more thinking. When I was with her, just like when I was around Sawyer, I felt like I was able to step out of this perfect shell of a person I was trying to be and just be myself. My real self. Without judgment, without fear.
Within two sessions of private lessons Maddie’s snowboarding proficiency grew by leaps and bounds. The only thing that increased for me was the amount of bruises on my body. The new ones I acquired today were bright red; the wounds from the day before were already turning a deep shade of purple. It was safe to say that I resembled a Fight Club member instead of a snowboarder who had spent most of her time on a bunny hill.
At five o’clock in the afternoon, the torture finally concluded. Maddie drove our rental car back to the cabin to dispose of our gear and grab a shower, while I took my camera and headed into Whistler Village.
I spent some time walking around the busy community, snapping photos of moments that caught my attention: two young siblings wedged deep inside a snow bank, their dark skin and jet-black hair a beautiful contrast to the bright snow; window shoppers who pressed their fingers and noses against brightly decorated displays, leaving breath marks of hot air against the cool glass; a couple sharing an intimate moment without even touching each other—the passionate look in their eyes connected them by an invisible, powerful thread; a mother and daughter in matching neon green jackets laughing as they slid down a snowy hill on a bright blue snow tube.
Life.
I was capturing life. In turn, I felt alive. My mind and body were fully engaged—I was on fire. Finding subjects, framing shots, snapping away…my heart raced, my skin prickled…it was a thrill like no other.
I zeroed in on a group of friends drinking hot chocolate around an open fire pit. The warm light emanating from the flames danced across their features, creating shadows that told a million different stories.
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