by Abby Gale
With a sigh, I step under the spray of warm water. I wish he just spilled the fuck out why he’s here, why after all those years. I try to put myself in his shoes. How would I feel if I was put in jail for someone else? What would I think if I sacrificed my years for someone and lived behind bars? What if that person had never visited me, never showed gratitude to me? How would I feel?
I would be fucking angry.
And if I saw that person who caused it all, what would I do?
I would like to make her fucking pay, that’s what.
If I didn’t know there was something wrong with me, I would notice it now. Because I’ve come to the conclusion he would want revenge, and I still want him, my body is still humming with the image of the past and present colliding together. A second chance is a sweet thing, and it fucks with my mind. My heart tells me that it knows him, and my mind wants to remind me that time changes everything.
I huff with annoyance and get out of the shower. I’m where I was this morning. I’m still confused as hell. When I’m just about to grab a towel, I see an envelope on the bathroom counter. The hair on my neck stands as my breathing becomes faster. I’m positive it wasn’t there when I stepped into the shower. I put the towel there myself.
My head jerks around the bathroom with panic and… and something else, something that makes me high on adrenaline. Maybe anger or maybe something more carnal, I’m not sure.
He’s been here. When I was in the shower.
I decide I’m furious, it’s an emotion that’s so much easier to deal with. He takes away my privacy and comes and goes from my home like it’s his property. I hate that he makes me submit to him even though I have no intention of being submissive to his stalker tendencies. But I can’t lie and say this doesn’t give me a thrill of arousal. Everything about him does.
I walk to my bedroom, finding Night on my bed. He’s happily licking his paws like there’s nothing out of the ordinary at this moment. There was a stranger in my apartment, and there’s no way my cat didn’t hear him. But, he’s not tense or scared like he would be whenever he sees a stranger.
I glare at Night. All the time my door wasn’t locked three times, all the times I found things where they shouldn’t have been, extra mugs… of course he’s gotten Night to his side. And I didn’t notice it until the breakfasts started, such an idiot I was.
“Not cool. Not cool at all, Night,” I murmur and sigh when he looks at me with innocent, big eyes of his.
Finally, curiosity gets the better of me and before even putting on clothes I rip the envelope I’ve been clutching with my hand and start reading the letter.
Nikki,
Another letter I won’t send to you, after ten fucking years behind bars. It shouldn’t have been this long, but nothing goes as planned in jail. Especially, if you’re a teenager. Everyone wants a piece of you, and I had no other choice to cause some damage to those who hurt me. But of course, the fucking system decided to see the moments I became the hunter instead of the victim.
Anyway, I’m not writing to you so you can pity me. I don’t want your fucking pity. I learned not to expect anything from you in these ten years. I’ve finally convinced myself that I don’t mean shit to you. And I’m so fucking angry at you. I should blame you for everything that has happened to me in this rathole, but I can’t. I can just blame you for forgetting me so easily. But that doesn’t change how I still feel about you.
I miss you, Nikki. And I also hate you.
I’ll probably get out of this place in five years if things go smoothly and I hope this time is enough for me to decide which to feel.
Nick.
When I put the letter down, I have so many thoughts in my mind.
Fifteen years?! I can’t think of being in that place for that long. I stayed in jail for six months only, which seems like I should thank Nick, and even that time was more than enough for me.
Everyone wants a piece of you? Does that mean what I think it does?
A shudder runs through my body, my stomach convulses with the forbidden memories, and I push them aside, focusing on another thought in my mind.
He hates me.
This fucking hurts, more than I would admit, but can I blame him? Even I hate myself.
Whatever he’s been through is because of me.
Chapter 22
Past
Age 13
I knock on the door hesitantly. My back hurts from sleeping on a quilt in that empty room. It was cold in there. Cold and dark, just like the closet my mother used to lock me in. I hated the similarity, I hated everything it reminded me of, but I can’t dare to complain. This is the only place that felt like home, and I don’t want to lose it.
The door opens, bringing me out of my thoughts. Father Edward smiles down at me, and I tell myself that everything is okay, that nothing’s wrong.
“My sweet Veronica. Come in, beautiful,” he says, but doesn’t give me enough space to enter the room. “Come on, come inside,” he says, still smiling.
Biting my lip, I squeeze in from the little space between him and the door. He puts his hand on my back, just above my butt and I stiffen for a second.
Keep calm, Veronica. What’s wrong with you?
“Sit down, Veronica,” he says, pointing to the same couch we sat on last night. I do as I’m told, and he sits right next to me, even closer than he did last night. His arm is touching mine, the warmth radiates through me.
“Let’s start, shall we?”
I nod, not knowing what to expect.
“I’ll ask you questions, and you’ll answer them carefully and honestly, okay?” he asks, his eyes are penetrating.
I swallow and nod.
“I will never judge you, and there’s nothing you need to be afraid or ashamed of, okay my delicate flower?”
I smile at his words. The uneasiness from earlier with the similarity of my house vanishes.
“Yes, Father,” I say.
“Do you believe in God, Veronica?”
I frown at the question. “Yes, Father,” I say, but my voice comes out like a question, and he quirks an eyebrow at me. “I believe in God, but sometimes I don’t understand him. Sometimes I don’t know why he lets people be hurt,” I mutter.
He smiles. “Pain is part of pleasure, Veronica. You can know the value of good only after terrible things happened to you,” he says. His voice comes out almost like he’s amused.
He looks at me with a strange glint in his eyes and I shudder. His hand moves to my hair, playing with the black strands between his fingers before he touches my cheek and neck. I lean back to put some distance between us when his fingers keep moving toward my arm.
“Father,” I start in protest, but I can’t continue. I don’t know what else to say or what I’m protesting.
“Would you like to go to the garden and get some fresh air before we continue, Veronica? Because I’m planning on keeping you here for a long time,” he says.
I nod quickly, glad of the distraction and distance I’ll get from the situation, from this room, from him.
I almost run out of the room. I know I’ll be alone in the garden since everyone is in class, but I don’t care. All I care about is being away from the suffocating feeling I had in that room.
I feel like something is wrong, and that makes me dizzy.
I sit on a bench in the garden, near the big gate where I can see the road. A big drop of rain falls to my forehead, and I lift my head with a smile.
“Nikki? Nikki!”
It’s Nick, and I’m on my feet in the blink of an eye, running toward him.
“Nick!” I grin at him. I didn’t meet him yesterday, and I missed him.
He gets even more handsome everyday, making me fall in love more and more. Before I can stop myself, I hug and kiss him.
“You didn’t show up yesterday. Is everything okay?” he asks.
“Yes, Nick. Don’t worry,” I say. I don’t want him to know about the weird situation I’m in. I can’t
tell him I had my period.
He pulls me closer to him, hugging me. “I missed you, Nikki. I’m looking forward to the time I see you every day.”
I lean back to look into his eyes. I don’t know what he finds in me, I don’t know what I’ve done right to deserve him, but this beautiful boy likes me. He misses me.
“I missed you, too,” I whisper.
He leans down to me, and I know what he’s about to do. My heart hammers in my chest with excitement. We kiss without caring about the bars between us, without caring the way metal bits the side of our heads. He licks my bottom lip, and I gasp with the sensation it creates over my body. He sucks my bottom lip, pushing his tongue into my mouth and I try to reciprocate his movements with mine. I repeated the same moves he does, and soon my whole body is tingling, vibrating with my heartbeat. I feel warm, so warm, but it’s not enough. I want to get closer to him.
A throaty groan escapes from our mouths as we try to get closer but can’t manage to do it. Finally, it’s the thunder that separates us. I don’t even realize, but the rain has already started, wetting our hair.
I giggle as I pull back, the rain cools off my warm cheeks. He caresses my cheek.
“I want to see you every day, Nikki. I get nervous when I don’t see you,” he says.
I nod. Thinking of the weird sessions with the father, I’m not sure if I can come to meet him every day, but I know I’d do anything to see him. “I may miss a few days, with classes and…” I trail off.
“I’ll wait. I’ll wait for you until the sky is dark,” he promises. “I love you, baby,” he whispers.
I gasp, these words always make my heart beat faster, and my mouth go dry. “I love you, too,” I whisper shyly.
“Veronica?” I hear someone calls me and I turn to look at the source of it, putting some distance between Nick and me. It’s Sister Sophie.
“Yes, Sister,” I murmur when she comes next to me. Her eyes are focused on Nick for a second too long that I wonder if I’m in trouble. But she shakes her head without saying anything, her lips turn to a thin line.
“Father Edward is expecting you.”
I swallow, remembering the suffocating feeling I’ve felt there, but I nod.
“Goodbye, Nick,” I murmur and turn back to follow Sister Sophie.
“See you later, Nikki,” Nick calls out after me, but I don’t turn to look at him. It’s already so hard to leave him behind. If I look at him, I’ll beg him to get me out of here. Anywhere. Anywhere with him.
***
“Have you ever kissed anyone, Veronica?”
I bow my head to look at my hands on my lap. Father Edward’s kept asking questions since I came back to his room, but his questions turned more and more uncomfortable.
“Answer me,” he says sternly, but when I lift my head to meet his eyes in panic his voice turns softer, “You don’t need to be shy.”
“Yes,” I whisper.
“Louder.”
“Yes, Father. I’ve kissed a boy.”
He sighs deeply. “Ah, Veronica. You let yourself be tempted by devil’s kiss. Don’t you think we should replace it with the God’s?”
I don’t understand what he means by that, and I don’t agree Nick’s kiss was a devil’s kiss, it was the best feeling I have ever felt. But I still nod at Father Edward, knowing that’s what he expects me to do.
“Come closer, Veronica, my child. Let me show you how it feels to be kissed by the Holy Spirit,” he says, leaning closer to me.
I swallow in panic. Will he kiss me? Is that right?
He’s a Father, Veronica. He’s the first person the people in this small-town trust and believes in without a doubt. I can trust him, too.
“Close your eyes, my delicate flower. Let me help you bloom.”
I close my eyes and gasp when his lips touch mine. His kiss is so much different than Nick’s. It’s not unpleasant really, but it doesn’t make me feel like I’m floating in the sky, flying over the clouds. He doesn’t make my heart warm. Instead I shudder with the coldness seeping through my bones.
I sigh in relief when he pulls away. A frown is on his face. He shakes his head, tutting at something I can’t understand.
“You’re not letting me do my job, Veronica. You need to show me you want this,” he says.
But I don’t want this, I want to say. Instead, I bow my head. “I’m sorry, Father.”
“Let’s try again, baby girl.”
He leans in again, this time his hands tangle in my hair. His kiss is more aggressive, and I close my eyes, trying to pretend like I’m kissing Nick. That helps me a little, and before I know what I’m doing I kiss him back. His tongue traces my lips, and he bites down my bottom lip. I gasp, my eyes open in shock and everything my pretense vanishes with the vision of Father Edward instead of Nick.
He pulls back, smiling friendly. “Well done, Veronica. Well done, my child.”
He pours some water in a glass and hands it to me. “Drink this. It will help the session.”
Taking a big gulp, I start to cough. It’s not water in the glass, it has a bitter taste, living a sourness over my tongue and burns my throat as it goes down.
“Okay, we passed this phase. Now, the next question. Have you ever touched yourself?”
I bow my head again, hoping my hair covers my face. I take another big gulp from the drink in the glass, letting it burn away my embarrassment.
“Veronica.” The warning is clear in his eyes.
“Yes, Father.”
“Thank you for not lying to me. Have you ever looked at your nakedness and think of the things you shouldn’t have?”
I sip my drink, finishing it to stall some time before answering.
I ask for him to repeat the question and he does, smiling at me with knowledge in his gaze.
I try to straighten my back. My vision blurs for a second, my head starts spinning. I bite my lip and nod.
“Words, Veronica.”
I grip the arm of the couch, digging my fingers on its cushion to stop the dizziness. “Yes, Father,” I mutter.
He sighs again. “Okay. I see.”
I blink a few times to clear the blurry vision, but it doesn’t help. My tongue feels big in my mouth, my stomach hurts like I’ve eaten something to upset it. The dizziness gets worse with each second and I feel like I’m not inside my body.
Closing my eyes for a second, I breathe in slowly. When I open my eyes, I dare a look at his face. He looks deep in thought. Standing to his feet, he outstretches his hand for me to take. I don’t want to. I don’t want to do another thing to purify my soul or whatever these rituals are about, but I still hold his hand and let him guide me in front of a mirror next to the bed.
“I want you to take off your clothes,” he says. His voice sounds deeper.
I turn to face him with panic written on my face. “Father, I… I don’t want to. Do I have to?”
“Yes, my child. You have to do this. I’m sorry. It pains me too, but this is the only way I can help you.”
“Father, is that right? I mean… I’m not feeling comfortable,” I murmur.
He shakes his head. “You should be grateful you can have this chance, Veronica. Only our special students can get the chance to purify their soul under my gaze. I’m going out of my way to help you, young lady.”
I grit my teeth. I don’t want to be in trouble, but I don’t really want to do this, either. Taking a deep breath, I reach to the white dress they make us wear as a school uniform. I take it off unceremoniously and stand in front of the mirror with my bra and panties.
“You need to take them off, too.”
“What?” I cry out, taking a step away from him.
He chuckles. “We need to repeat everything you’ve sinned in front of God’s eyes again, Veronica. Do it, or I’ll have to do it.”
My eyes widen with panic and fear. I look at the door, wanting to run away from this room, from this place.
“You want to run, don’t you? That
’s the evil inside you,” he says and takes a step closer to me, blocking my way to the door.
“Do it, or I’m doing it,” he says. His voice isn’t soft anymore, it’s threatening, and I’m scared. I’m scared to my bones.
With the fear, I reach to my back to unclasp my bra. My hands shaking, my head is spinning. I hold the small piece of fabric in front of my breasts to cover my nakedness, but he rips it off my hands, throwing it on the floor.
“Your panties,” his voice is hoarse. His eyes are blazed. At that moment he looks more like the devil than God’s man, but I do as I’m told. Not because I think that will purify my soul, but because I’m so scared of the man in front of me. He’s so big next to my small frame and I can’t even think what he would do to me if I displeased him.
With Father Edward, I know he’s a good guy, but the guy who is looking at me right now seems like he doesn’t even know the meaning of good. He looks like Father Edward, but he’s as different from him as day and night.
I want to shout, but my tongue is too big for my mouth; there’s no voice coming out. I’m panting. My throat is dry and aching. Reaching for my throat, I wrap my hand around it, opening my mouth to make a sound but there’s nothing but the voice of my erratic heartbeat and fast breaths. I take a step forward, but my feet stay like they’re chained to the ground. I’m helpless and scared. I’m vulnerable, at his mercy, and everything is blurry chaos.
I shake in front of him, naked, blood dripping from my thighs and he smiles. He leans back to look at my nakedness with hungry eyes, licking his lips.
“Turn your back. Hands on the mirror,” he says, but I can’t move my body. Am I in shock or is this the drink I’ve had?
