“Eddie,” I gasp into the phone.
“Row. I’m sorry I haven’t called you.”
A nervous, hysterical laugh escapes me. “Eddie, what happened? Were you in jail?”
“I ran into Mark at a party last night. We got in a fight. That’s it.”
No. That’s not it. He deliberately tracked Mark down and showed up at a party he wasn’t invited to. He deliberately started a fight. God only knows what he said to Mark. Or what Mark said to Eddie. Or what other people heard.
“Why? You promised me you wouldn’t say anything to Mark.”
“After what he did to you? Are you fucking kidding me? He’s lucky to be alive. He’s lucky the cops got there before I killed him.”
“I told you. Nothing happened…”
“It wasn’t your fault, Rowan. You have nothing to hide.”
“I know because nothing happened.” Tears stream down my cheeks as I sob into the phone. Morgan is staring at me. I can’t imagine what she’s thinking while listening to my side of the conversation, but judging by the stunned look on her face, I can guess. She knows. And suddenly, I want to tell her everything. I want to tell someone what happened. Someone who won’t judge. Someone who won’t run off to defend my honor and in the process, create a huge scene—like Eddie had done.
“Rowan, everything is going to be okay,” Eddie says.
“I…I have to go.”
“No, wait! Meet me early tomorrow outside the entrance to the gym,” he urges. “I really need to see you.”
“Fine.” I hang up. I don’t intend to meet him or anyone else. I’m not going to school tomorrow. I can’t face Eddie. Or Mark. Or anyone who’d been at that party and might have heard something they weren’t supposed to hear. I can’t bear the looks of curiosity. Or the incessant gossip. Most of all, I can’t bear to see my dad’s face when he hears the rumors about me and what had happened with Mark.
Morgan pulls me into her arms. When my sobs subside, she hands me a box of tissues. I clean myself up a little and flash her a watery smile of gratitude. My eyes are almost swollen shut. My face feels tight and weird from puffiness.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Morgan asks gently, taking my hand.
I shrug and take a deep, shuddering breath.
“Take your time,” she says.
“I was at a party with Mark,” I begin. For a second, I don’t know how to tell her, but suddenly the words come tumbling out. “He got really drunk, as always. I went upstairs to look for a bathroom that wasn’t covered in puke. Mark must have followed me up. When I opened the bathroom door, he pushed me back inside and blocked me from leaving. He…” My voice broke.
“Go on, Row.”
“He started kissing me. I told him to stop. I didn’t feel like making out. His breath smelled like beer and cigarettes. He reeked and it made me sick. When I tried to push him away, he got pissed. He shoved me into the wall and told me he was tired of me teasing him and then refusing to deliver. He said he didn’t know why he’d ever bothered with me, other than because he felt sorry for me and wanted to make my dad think I wasn’t a total waste of space. He said girls were only good for one thing and it was time he got some use out of me. That I owed him for all the time and money he wasted on me. And that he could get fucked by anyone, so I should thank him for what he was about to do.”
“Oh, Rowan.” Morgan’s eyes are glassy with tears.
“He pushed me down on the floor and he… I threw up afterwards. All over the bathroom rug. I ran outside and walked all the way home. It took me over an hour. I can’t believe I didn’t pass out.”
“I wish you would have called me. I would have picked you up and brought you to the hospital or something…”
“My parents were out that night, so they didn’t see me when I came home. I just sat in the middle of the bathroom with the shower running so long, the water was cold by the time I got in. I think I was in shock. After that, I had nightmares and panic attacks. Maybe I’m still in shock.”
“You never told anyone?”
“No. Not even Eddie. He figured out something happened between me and Mark because I fell asleep when we were babysitting for his brother’s kids and I had a nightmare. I don’t know what I said, but it must have been bad.”
“So Eddie was defending you.”
“Yeah. I guess. He promised he wouldn’t do anything.”
“You can’t blame him. Mark needed to have his ass kicked. He should be in jail, Rowan. After what he did to you, he should be locked up for the rest of his life. We should call the police.”
“No. No way. I don’t want anyone else to know.”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“That’s what Eddie said.”
“He’s right.”
For a moment, we’re both silent.
“I don’t think I can face Eddie again. Or Mark. I can’t go to school tomorrow.” My sobs begin anew.
“You can’t drop out of school, Row. If you do, Mark wins. I should have known something was seriously wrong with you. You haven’t been yourself since… At the time, I thought you were just depressed about the breakup, but now that I look back, I should have known something was wrong and I should have forced you to talk about it.”
“I wouldn’t have talked to you, Morgan. I wasn’t ready. I’m still not ready.”
“Seriously, though. If you don’t go to school, people will talk.”
“They’re already going to talk. About the fight at the very least.”
“If there are any rumors floating around, and you’re not at school, it’ll just look like you have something to hide.”
“I do.”
“You don’t. You did nothing wrong. Mark is the one who should be hiding in shame. Not you.”
“I don’t think I can handle being stared at. What if Mark told everyone what happened?”
“Why would he? Do you really think he’d admit to what he did?”
“Yeah, I do. He thinks the world owes him. He doesn’t think he did anything wrong. Do you know what happened the day after he raped me? He called me up like nothing had happened. He asked me if I wanted to come over to his house to swim. And, no. He wasn’t too drunk to remember what had happened. When I told him I never wanted to see him again, he told me I was the worst lay he’s ever had and I was doing him a favor by breaking up with him. He said if I went crying to Daddy about what happened, I’d regret it. If my dad believed me—and that was a big if, according to Mark—he and his dad would make sure my dad never worked as a coach again.”
Morgan is quiet. We both know Mark would try to make good on his threats. Mark’s dad is a high powered attorney who has both political and Hollywood connections. Their family is not only well-connected, but they’re rich as well. If Mark’s dad can’t bribe his way out of trouble, he’ll buy his way out. His dad donates a crapload of money to the school’s booster club and he knows he has the school board’s ear. He could totally get my dad fired if he wanted. And my family would be destroyed because of it.
“Mark might be an idiot, but he knows what he did could get him into trouble. Even if his dad can save his ass, he won’t want the hassle. I don’t think Mark is going to tell anyone what happened.”
“Maybe not, but there’s no way I’m going to school tomorrow.”
“What about the play?”
“I couldn’t care less about the play. You be Juliet. I seriously don’t even want to be in it.”
Morgan chews on the inside of her cheek, probably debating about what to say next. She should save her breath. I’m not going to school tomorrow. Or ever again if I can help it.
Chapter Seventeen
When we wake up the next morning, my face is still a swollen, blotchy mess. Despite Morgan’s pleas and threats to tell my parents I’m not really sick, I refuse to go to school. I lie to my mom and tell her I was up most of the night with a stomach bug. Mom looks suspicious, but agrees to let me stay home.
“I’ll mee
t Eddie for you,” Morgan says.
“You don’t have to.”
“I know.”
When she’s gone, I wriggle under the covers and fight back tears. I don’t want to get out of bed. Ever. I drift in and out of sleep all day, my mind too heavy to stay awake for long. I don’t dream, and that’s a blessing.
Dad comes home at the usual time and knocks on my bedroom door. I pretend to be asleep, but he knows I’m faking. He gives me one minute to make myself decent, and then comes in.
“I heard something interesting at school today,” he says. “When were you going to tell me?”
My heart lurches in my chest and nausea overtakes me. I can’t breathe. What did Dad hear? Does he believe what people are saying?
“Thank God you weren’t with Eddie at that party. After all the trouble he’s been in, I can’t believe he started a fight. Isn’t he on probation?”
Oh, thank God. The fight. Dad heard about the fight. Nothing else. Yet.
“Um, yeah.”
“Is that why you stayed home today? And why Morgan spent the night last night? Because you were upset about Eddie’s arrest?”
“Sort of,” I reply, not knowing what to say.
“Sort of. Well, you’re not staying home tomorrow, young lady. And you’re not dating Eddie anymore. Not while you’re living under this roof. You don’t need that sort of trouble.”
“But, Dad…”
“I gave him a second chance, Rowan. Your mom and I agreed to let you see Eddie because everyone deserves a second chance. But he violated our trust in him. From what I heard, he charged into that party like a wild bull, calling Mark every name under the sun. He started that fight, Rowan. I don’t know if he was drinking or on drugs, but that’s not an excuse. He’s out of control.”
I start to sob. My dad doesn’t realize the unfairness of his words, because he doesn’t know the whole story—and I’m not going to tell him. But Eddie has only done what my dad would do if he knew the truth about Mark. Dad is angry on Mark’s behalf. He sees Mark as a victim. A victim. And Eddie is the wild animal who dared to attack the all-American, clean-cut star athlete.
Dad tries to talk to me, but I’m too upset to engage in conversation. He finally leaves my room, mumbling something about talking to me later when I settle down. My phone rings multiple times, but I don’t answer. Eddie. Morgan. Eddie again. I don’t want to talk to anyone, but I finally decide that I have to talk to them before they decide to show up at my house to check on me. If Eddie shows up, it will be a total disaster. My dad will yell at him and then Eddie might decide to tell my dad why he beat up Mark…
No.
I text Morgan and tell her I’ll call her back in a few. Then I text Eddie and tell him the same. I have no intention of calling anyone, but I’m hoping to buy some time before I have to talk to either of them—especially Eddie.
Morgan texts me back: I’m calling. Pick up or I’m coming over.
I hate that she knows me so well, that she knows my game. A wry smile breaks through my tears when my phone rings. I answer.
“I was sleeping,” I say.
“Liar. You coming back to school tomorrow?”
“Yeah. I don’t have a choice. My dad flipped shit over Eddie.”
“Did he tell you not to see him anymore?”
“Yep.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know. I’m not thrilled with Eddie right now, so I’m not sure if I want to see him.”
“You’re going to punish Eddie for taking up for you?”
“That’s not what this is about. I’m upset because he let his anger get out of control. He risked leaking my secret to everyone because he was pissed off and wanted revenge.” My voice is trembling now, and even though I want to yell, I’m trying to keep quiet so my mom or dad won’t hear me.
“Revenge? No. He wanted to defend you,” Morgan says. “There’s a difference.”
“He didn’t defend me. He beat Mark up, and for what? Nothing changes for Mark. But for Eddie, he’s in trouble with the law. He could do real jail time. He charged off and started a fight with Mark without thinking about how it would affect me or our relationship or his own future.”
“I talked to Eddie today.”
“Yippee.”
“That’s it?”
“Fine. What did he say?”
“He misses you. He’s desperate to see you.” After a lengthy pause, she continues, “By the way, he isn’t hurt.”
“That’s good.” I’m trying to keep my answers short, to pretend I don’t care, but I do. “Did he get suspended from school?”
“No, but he got called to the office. Principal Dansen cautioned him. He said he can’t do anything about what happened outside of school because Eddie’s no longer under athletic contract. But if Eddie or Mark let what happened spill over onto school campus, they’ll be facing expulsion.”
I let out a shaky breath. “So he’s still in the play.”
“Yeah. Are you?”
“I…I don’t know. I mean, I just can’t imagine getting on stage in front of a bunch of people.”
“Why? No one knows what happened, Row. You can’t drop out of the play.”
“You’d do a better job. You can take over. I’ll be your understudy or whatever.”
“No. I refuse to play the part. You earned this. You owe it to yourself to follow through with this.”
Morgan is emphatic and I’m too tired to argue. The play is the least of my worries. I’m trying to find a good excuse to get out of going back to school altogether. I’m eighteen. My parents can’t force me. But they can make my life a living hell if I don’t go.
“Mark isn’t going to say anything to anyone,” Morgan insists. “He can’t afford to get in any more trouble. His daddy might be able to get him out of a disorderly conduct charge, but rape is a different story.”
I flinch at the word “rape.” I hate that word and feel dirty all over again just from hearing Morgan say it.
She continues, “Mark has everything to lose if this comes out. You hold all the cards. I still think you should turn him in. You can’t let him do this to someone else. Once a rapist, always a rapist.” She continues to spout platitudes and statistics she probably picked up from watching too many reruns of Law & Order SVU, but I’m zoning out. All I can think of is the humiliation of facing Mark. Or Eddie. Or anyone.
Eddie tries to call me, but I don’t answer. He texts me asking me to call him right away. I text him back and tell him I’ll call when I’m done talking to my parents.
After Mom gets home from work, I’m summoned to the dinner table. I avoid making eye contact. Dad fills Mom in on what happened with Eddie. I glance up at her. Her eyes are sad and she’s shaking her head.
“I don’t want Rowan to see Eddie anymore,” Dad says.
“I don’t think that’s our decision to make,” Mom replies cautiously. “I agree that Eddie has made some bad decisions, but I think we should give him a chance to explain.”
“What’s there to explain? This is his second arrest—that we know of. Who knows what kind of trouble he’s been in? He’s bad news.”
“A lot of kids get in trouble,” she says. “You know that.”
“Right. But not all of those kids date my daughter.”
My parents continue to discuss my love life while I push food around on my plate with a fork.
“One thing is certain,” Dad says, “no more skipping school. Okay, Rowan? Eddie showed up for school today. Why didn’t you?”
“I really was sick,” I say, meaning it. My head is still throbbing from all the crying I’ve done and my stomach churns.
“Back to school tomorrow,” he says firmly.
“I still don’t feel that great,” I insist.
“If you’re still feeling ill tomorrow, I’ll take you to the doctor,” Mom says. “Otherwise, you’re going to school. Your father and I agree on that.”
Why do they care? It’s
not like I’ve missed a ton of school. Well, maybe a few days here and there, but that had been at the beginning of the year. The days Dad expected me to help out with the team. I usually threw up on those mornings and stayed home, unable to face the idea of coming in such close contact with Mark. And the day of the senior field trip to Sea World. I had been so terrified of being stuck on a bus with Mark, I ended up staying home that day too. Anger ripples through me as I consider all that I’ve missed because of Mark. He’d taken my virginity. My love for school. My sense of security.
He’s stolen numerous opportunities for me to be with my friends or socialize with my peers. And the year isn’t over yet. I’ve been dreading the end of the year senior activities and have already anticipated ways to get out of going. I’ve been putting Eddie off about the prom. I’ve been going out of my way in the hallways to avoid seeing Mark.
I hadn’t realized until now how much Mark has taken from me, how my life has been altered because of what he’d done. My face burns in shame, humiliation, and fury.
“Are you okay, Rowan?” Mom asks.
“My stomach,” I mutter.
“Why don’t you go back to bed? I’ll come check on you later. If you’re really not feeling well in the morning, I’ll make an appointment with Dr. Marsh, okay?”
“Okay.”
I go to my room and curl up under the covers. Instead of feeling cocooned and safe, I feel stifled and hot. It’s from all the anger simmering under my skin. Anger toward Mark. And anger toward Eddie for disregarding my wishes.
As if on cue, my phone rings. It’s Eddie. I can’t put him off forever.
“Hi,” I say breathlessly.
“Rowan. God, it’s good to finally hear your voice.”
I remain silent.
“I missed you today. I really need to see you. Can you meet me? Or I can come pick you up…”
“No. I mean, I can’t.”
“Your Dad doesn’t want you to see me,” he says in a monotone. “I get it. I fucked up. I’m sorry. I just went crazy.”
“Yeah. You did. What did you say to Mark?”
“Is that all you care about? What Mark thinks?”
Sweet Sorrow Page 14
