by Mark Leigh
[5 points]
Snow White
[4 points]
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
[3 points]
Mulan
[2 points]
Pocahontas
[2 points]
Aladdin
[1 point]
The Lion King
[1 point]
The Little Mermaid
[0 points]
Can you say ‘The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain’ just like Professor Higgins in My Fair Lady?
Cor blimey! I’ll ’ave a go guv!
[5 points]
But of course
[3 points]
Professor who?
[0 points]
If you achieve residency what would you bring to this country?
Professional skills and a meaningful contribution to the social fabric
[5 points]
Additional tax revenue and a positive impact on economic growth
[4 points]
Someone’s who’s happy to be part of the underclass, who knows their place in society, who is happy to do shitty jobs and not claim benefits
[3 points]
A birth rate more associated with cats and dogs than humans
[0 points]
All my family
[0 points]
An archaic seventh-century world view and a bloodbath
[0 points]
Ebola
[0 points]
SECTION 2
QUESTIONS ABOUT THE COUNTRY
OF YOUR BIRTH
What is its Gross National Product measured in?
Thousands of billions of dollars
[5 points]
Hundreds of billions of dollars
[4 points]
Millions of dollars
[1 point]
Coconuts
[0 points]
What are its main exports?
Machinery/electronic equipment
[10 points]
Vehicles
[10 points]
Pharmaceutical products
[10 points]
Iron and steel
[8 points]
Oil
[3 points]
Mangos
[2 points]
Asylum seekers
[2 points]
Malaria
[1 point]
Internet scams
[1 point]
Refugees
[1 point]
Suicide bombers
[0 points]
Does your country’s national costume include any of the following?
We’re quite normal and don’t have a national costume
[10 points]
Something that involves an apron or knee length trousers
[7 points]
Leather shorts
[5 points]
Anything involving copious amounts of lace
[4 points]
Poncho
[4 points]
Embroidered gypsy blouson
[3 points]
Colourful tribal fabrics
[2 points]
A length of bright cloth that just wraps round you. That’s it.
[2 points]
Pointy shoes that roll up at the end
[1 point]
Tartan
[0 points]
What do the letters in your alphabet look like?
The same as the letters in this test
[5 points]
Nearly the same as the letters in this test but also including a back-to-front R, something that looks like the symbol for pi and a few other funny things
[2 points]
Lots of squiggly shapes and symbols
[1 point]
How do you write?
Left to right
[5 points]
Right to left
[2 points]
Up to down
[2 points]
I can’t write
[0 points]
SECTION 3
QUESTIONS ABOUT YOUR RELIGION
Does your God have a son called Jesus?
Yes
[10 points]
No
[0 points]
When is your version of Christmas?
On 25 December of course
[10 points]
It all depends on the moon
[0 points]
SECTION 4
QUESTIONS ABOUT BRITISH CULTURE AND CUSTOMS
Which of these classic comedy catchphrases do you find the funniest?
‘Listen. I will say zis only once’
[5 points]
‘Good Moaning’
[5 points]
‘You stupid boy!’
[3 points]
‘I’m free!’
[1 point]
‘I’m the only gay in the village’
[0 points]
How would you prepare a nice cup of tea?
Milk goes in first
[5 points]
Tea goes in first
[5 points]
I drink herbal tea so I don’t need milk
[3 points]
What’s tea? Where I come from we have a traditional aniseed-flavoured drink that we sip seated near our camels
[1 point]
What food are you most likely to enjoy for Sunday lunch?
Roast beef, Yorkshire puds, roast potatoes and all the trimmings
[5 points]
Kangaroo penis and wichetty grub
[3 points]
Jerk chicken and deep-fried slices of yam
[1 point]
Mutabbag Bel Laham and Tabbouleh
[1 point]
Why would you go to a British pub?
To meet like-minded individuals and have an ill-informed discussion about immigration
[5 points]
To sample the best ales in the known world
[4 points]
It’s a great opportunity to meet other people and start a fight
[2 points]
An indefinable soul or spirit that just makes you feel at home
[2 points]
In your view, which of these defines the concept of Britishness? (you may choose more than one)
A strongly-held belief that some cultures are intrinsically superior to others
[5 points]
Fair play, free speech and obesity
[4 points]
Bad food, a useless national football team, intolerance
[3 points]
*In my view, ‘why’ would be a better question than ‘when’, but that’s another matter.
10 Things That Really Wind Me Up About Eastern Europe
Some people reading this section might say, ‘Nigel, it’s wrong to generalise. How can you lump every single Eastern European country under one heading?’ Well, until someone can explain to me the main differences between Latvia and Lithuania, Slovakia and Slovenia, or Bosnia and Herzegovina, I’ll happily continue thinking of them all as some sort of gelatinous whole. In my capacity as an MEP I’ve had to suffer many fact-finding visits to these countries, all of which are still finding it difficult to wrench themselves away from over forty-five years of Soviet rule. Frankly, once you’ve been to one place which offers concrete tower blocks that redefine the words brutal and repugnant, as well as widespread official corruption and toxic levels of air pollution, you’ve been to them all.
1. Hospitality can change into hostility at a moment’s notice
One moment you might be enjoying a beer with the locals in a friendly bar; the next you might be smashed in the face by a broken glass. All it takes is for you to casually mention something complimentary about a neighbouring country or its people, unaware that the only reason the other country exists is because of a brutal bloody civil war (usually involving a massacre) that split the nation in two. As a guide, no matter where you are, it’s best not to mention any of the states of the former Yugoslavia.
Particularly Serbia.<
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2. You’re surrounded by old people with miserable, staring eyes
They’re everywhere in Eastern Europe. In the street and shops. On the trains, trams and buses. Their expression is one of resentment, jealousy, bitterness and unbridled hatred. You’ll find that most of them work in the hospitality and service industries.
3. Taxi drivers that settle discussions over fares with knives
An abundance of unscrupulous taxi drivers charge fares based more on a whim than a meter and will often add a range of compulsory ‘extras’ when you arrive at your destination. Taking rides in these cabs will leave you ripped off and/or ripped open.
4. There’s always someone willing to pick a fight with you
Rampant alcoholism and cultures that equate heavy drinking with machismo means it’s very easy for visitors to get into trouble in Eastern Europe. In order to stay out of trouble it’s best to have a basic knowledge of the local language and mixed martial arts.
5. You’ll be bothered by a beggar every 100 paces
Travelling around Eastern Europe is like being in a place where 60 per cent of the country’s population are Big Issue sellers who are handy with a knife.
6. Two-tier pricing
When ordering drinks expect to be charged at least three or four times what the locals pay. Don’t cause a scene with the barman unless you feel like discussing this inequality with a burly member of the Russian Mafia, who has a vested interest in most bars and clubs east of Prague.
7. 1960s standards of technology
Ask if a café has wifi and you’ll be laughed at; either that or you’ll be burned as a witch.
8. There’s no understanding of the term ‘personal space’
East Europeans feel most comfortable talking to you a nose length from your face, or queuing so closely behind you that they are virtually committing a sex act.
9. Public transport timings are given with the same degree of accuracy as reading tea leaves
It doesn’t matter what you’re told in a hotel, train or bus station, travel agent or government office, the timetables of East European public transport services are compiled with an accuracy of plus or minus 16 hours. Dealing tarot, throwing rune stones or examining animal entrails will provide you with a greater degree of precision.
10. Old men carrying goats and chickens on modern trains and buses
The guidebooks will say this is charming or quaint. To everyone else it’s noisy and unhygienic.
My Views On… Corporal Punishment in School
Punishment as a consequence of wrongdoing has a long history in Britain and with good reason. Just take two examples; if Charles I hadn’t been beheaded or if Dick Turpin hadn’t been hanged, then what we’d be doing is telling society that treason is acceptable; that robbing people with pistols is fine. Children have to learn at an early age to take responsibility for bad behaviour and by ‘at an early age’, I mean as soon as they can make the connection between their conduct and pain.
When I was at school, being smacked was a way of life, as it was for many of my contemporaries (although at Eton they called it spanking). It didn’t do us any harm and a lot of the Eton boys actually liked it; just ask David Cameron. Anyway, I digress. Children today are far more unruly and disrespectful in the classroom and need to be taught right from wrong. Role models like Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber and Simon Cowell make them think it’s OK to be rude, selfish, irritating and evil.
Critics say that corporal punishment doesn’t work. Really? Well, before corporal punishment in the classroom was abolished there were no school shootings and very few examples of gruesome beheadings by religious nutcases.
At the end of the day all I’m talking about is a series of short, sharp smacks with a non-flexible object. Because I believe in freedom the number of strikes and the type of object used (e.g. cane, paddle, big shoe, cricket bat, etc.) will be down to individual schools.
Critics say that smacking kids can cause psychological problems in later life but look at the alternatives to smacking… hitting them with a sock filled with coins, punching them in the face, kicking them… Is this what the do-gooders want? Is it? If they do then just bear in mind it’s a short move from this to waterboarding.
Let me just leave you with two thoughts on the matter. Actions speak louder than words, and Kim Jong-un wasn’t smacked as a child…
My Guide to Countries That Don’t Count
Moldova, Azerbaijan, Montenegro, Belarus.
Really?
These places might as well be totally fictitious states like Ruritania or Freedonia; hardly anyone would know the difference and even fewer would care.
These and a few more nations like them are what we call ‘courtesy countries’, founded after ethnic strife or civil wars, just to appease whining citizens who were constantly bleating on about independence.
To be honest, these places don’t really count for anything and are basically just irritating pimples on the spotty backside of the European mainland. They’re countries more closely associated with civil unrest, poverty and communism than with top travel destinations.
The biggest issue though is that it won’t be too long before they’re invited to join the EU. When that happens not only will they be given huge bailouts by the European Central Bank but we’ll have thousands of Moldovans or Montenegroes turning up uninvited on our shores. And if that’s not bad enough, another repercussion will be yet more ethnically-derived soft rock in the Eurovision Song Contest.
Consider the following less of a travel guide and more of a warning…
Moldova
A former Soviet Republic, sandwiched between Romania and the Ukraine, Moldova is a hilly country that slopes towards two things. One is the Black Sea and the other is economic meltdown. As one of the poorest countries in Europe, with a huge foreign debt and massive unemployment, Moldova is still heavily dependent on Russia. However, two thirds of Moldovans are of Romanian descent and the country is immensely proud of its Romanian roots. By this I presume they mean hordes of children begging at train stations and a thriving black-market economy.
Anyway, Moldova is famous for its wealth of traditional folk art; so if carpet-making, pottery and weaving float your boat, you’ll have a ball here. Other things guaranteed to prolong your stay include a 600-year-old oak tree and 30 monasteries and wooden churches. Surprisingly, Moldova is also very famous for its wines and is among the world’s top wine exporters. As you know I’m a bit of a wine buff and I’d say that while some Moldovan reds can be compared to the best Angolan whites, most can be identified by a number of common characteristics; a bouquet of burning tyres, the flavour of pine-scented Toilet Duck and the aftertaste of cough linctus.
Capital city: Chişinău
Moldovans describe their capital as a great party city. This is probably correct if your idea of a great party involves bad wine (see above) and music that hasn’t been heard since the Rubettes and Mud graced the charts. Entry into Chişinău is via the Holy Gates, Moldova’s answer to the Arc de Triomphe (though there’s absolutely nothing to be triumphant about). Proof of the city’s aspirations to embrace western ideals is the fact that there’s a KFC and a two-storey McDonalds.
Azerbaijan
Another former Soviet Republic, Azerbaijan is located at the crossroads of Eastern Europe and Western Asia and is said to offer visitors the ‘very best of both worlds’.
Don’t be fooled though. Just as there are no best parts of being kicked in the balls, there are no best parts of Eastern Europe or Western Asia – unless you’re a fan of an oppressive political regime, rampant corruption, hundreds of thousands of refugees and a culture embedded in superstition.
Unlike many of its counterparts in the region, Azerbaijan is a relatively prosperous country with significant western investment in its vast oil fields and natural gas reserves. Despite this wealth from oil exports, visitors here will still feel short changed. Tourist attractions range from the predictable to the dreary and include tan
gerine groves, a men-only public bath, the remains of a demolished castle and 400 mud volcanoes (although in my book, if you’ve seen one mud volcano you’ve seen them all). In winter you can ski from the Shahdag Mountain Resort, known within Azerbaijan as the ‘playground of the rich’. However it’s important to point out that this description is relative in a country where, for many people, instant coffee and shoes are considered luxury goods.
