by Mark Leigh
‘I don’t really believe in rational, balanced arguments.’
English –
Why It’s the Best Language
in the Whole World
Each year the EU spends €330m a year (that’s £256m in real money) on translation services. There are 24 official EU languages but not surprisingly, by a long, long way, most documents end up being translated into English. That means the UK tax payer is subsidising foreign civil servants, politicians and policy makers who frankly can’t be bothered to learn English. It’s deplorable, especially when you consider that the English language is superior for a whole host of recognisable reasons:
10 Reasons Why English is Bloody Marvellous
English has the largest vocabulary of any language in the world. The Eskimos may have 23 words for snow but we have 87 racial slurs for foreigners.
It’s so versatile that you can alter the meaning of some phrases just by changing one single letter, e.g. ‘Jean-Claude Juncker is a runt.’
Hollywood catchphrases just wouldn’t be that memorable if they weren’t in English. Take Arnie’s classic, ‘I’ll be back!’. Would it have the same impact in Lithuanian?: ‘Grišiu!’ Or would you still laugh at ‘Surely you can’t be serious. I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley’ if it was in Danish?: ‘Sikkert kan du ikke være alvorlige. Jeg er seriøs og ikke kalder mig Shirley’.
You don’t need to worry about remembering things like a hat being masculine but a roller skate being feminine.
There are so many irregular verbs that you can have a real laugh when foreigners say things like, ‘He selled me his car,’ or ‘Yesterday I goed to the cinema.’
Ask yourself how many X Factor winners sang in their native Estonian or Hungarian (actually, I’ll save you the bother. The answer is none). If you want to be a reality TV singing sensation like Steve Brookstein you need to sing in English.
Spoken English sounds a million times more pleasant than spoken German, Flemish or Dutch, where even a simple sentence sounds like someone getting angry while vomiting.
Imagine if Bulgarian was the language of the Internet. You’d have to type just to see ‘Kim Kardashian nude booty photos’.
English is very succinct. Sentences translated from English into other languages take up at least 30 per cent more space, saving ream upon ream of paper.
Spoken English has many subtle nuances to express a wide range of emotions, unlike German for example, which is far better suited to shouting orders rather than expressing affection or being funny.
The 7 Most Overrated Foreign Tourist Attractions
Whether you live in the capital or not, you have to agree that London has some of the best tourist attractions in the world, and especially some of the best in Europe. Sure, Paris has the Eiffel Tower, Berlin has the Reichstag, Rome has the Coliseum and Madrid has… well, Madrid has absolutely no great landmarks. At all. OK, it has museums and plazas and a park – but that’s it. Anyway, even without Madrid, mainland Europe’s tourist attractions can’t hold a candle to their equivalents in London. It’s no wonder then that we’re overrun by tourists. And by tourists I mean temporary immigrants.
St Paul’s Cathedral
Now this is what you call a cathedral! It’s one of the most iconic buildings in London and has survived not just hundreds of thousands of annoying tourists but the might of the German Luftwaffe. Inside there’s a great crypt that’s home to tombs and memorials of some of the nation’s greatest conquering heroes, including Admiral Lord Nelson and the Duke of Wellington. Visitors can also climb up to the Golden Gallery to enjoy breathtaking views across the best city in the world. St Paul’s took just 35 years to build – a textbook example of British efficiency (see below).
La Sagrada Família, Barcelona
Antoni Gaudí’s Church of the Sacred Family is often described as ‘an astonishing structure’ and ‘a magical masterpiece’, but far more accurate descriptions would be ‘tourist infested building site’ and ‘ill-conceived pastiche’. This cathedral is universally heralded as a masterpiece of engineering, but the fact that it was started in 1882 and is still under construction is more of a testament to the general laziness of Spanish builders.
The London Eye
The most popular paid tourist attraction in the UK, the London Eye stands over 440 feet tall and is Europe’s largest Ferris wheel – so put that in your pipe Jean-Claude Juncker! It’s also one of the world’s tallest observation wheels, offering awe-inspiring views over London’s world-famous landmarks such as Big Ben, Buckingham Palace, The Shard, Trafalgar Square, St Paul’s Cathedral, the Gherkin and Canary Wharf. God, it makes me proud just listing these places.
Eiffel Tower, Paris
This monument should only be looked at, not visited. If you foolishly decide to ascend to the top, be prepared to experience security checks that make Inspector Clouseau look like the pinnacle of efficiency, lifts that travel (appropriately enough) at a snail’s pace and an observation deck that’s so cramped it gives you a great opportunity to experience French irony: an abundance of signs that warn against pickpockets amid acute overcrowding that makes their job simple. And when you do eventually reach the top and look out over a sprawling grey Paris, the uninspiring view just adds to your disappointment.
The National Gallery
Housing one of the best collections of paintings in the world the National Gallery believes in quality over quantity. The Louvre, take note. Its carefully curated collection of 2,300 paintings includes masterpieces on display by Van Gogh, Turner, Da Vinci, Reubens, Monet and Rembrandt to name but a few. What’s more, these works of art belong to the British public so entrance here is free. Again, the Louvre, take note.
Musée du Louvre, Paris
Recognised the world over for the completely out-of-character large glass pyramid in its main courtyard, and for its appallingly sluggish ticket office, the Louvre displays 35,000 works of art. However 92 per cent of its visitors just go to see one: the Mona Lisa. If you follow in their footsteps (and you’ll have to, as the dawdling crowds prevent you from overtaking them) prepare to be disappointed. The portrait is tiny, not just because it’s far smaller than you think, but because there’s always at least twenty other people in front of you stopping you from getting close. It’s said that Mona Lisa’s smile was enigmatic. Your look of utter disappointment, though, will be obvious.
Nelson’s Column
Overlooking Trafalgar Square and proudly standing nearly 170 feet tall, this great monument commemorates Admiral Horatio Nelson, one of the world’s greatest ever naval commanders who defeated – in fact, smashed – the fleets not just of the French and Spanish but also the Danes and the Norwegians. As if the statue itself isn’t enough of a reminder of British naval superiority, the square pedestal at the foot of the column features four bronze panels cast from captured French cannons.
The Little Mermaid, Copenhagen
You can’t blame yourself if you’re not utterly disillusioned with this tourist attraction. The big hint is the world ‘Little’. Erected in 1913 to honour Hans Christian Andersen’s fairy tale, this 4’1” sculpture should be more accurately named ‘The Remarkably Underwhelming Mermaid’, or ‘The Exceptionally Unimposing Mermaid’. You’ll find it at the harbour, set against an ugly industrial backdrop and naval yard. All you have to do is follow the disappointed cries of ‘Is that it?’
Marble Arch
When John Nash designed Marble Arch in 1827 he wanted to create something similar to, but not as rubbish as, the triumphal Arch of Constantine in Rome. This colossal monument was originally constructed on the Mall as an entrance to Buckingham Palace, but it was painstakingly moved, brick by brick, to Hyde Park in 1851. A perfect example of British ingenuity and workmanship, and remember: this was a time before East European builders.
Brandenburg Gate, Berlin
Many people consider this former 18th century City Gate, commissioned by King Frederick William II of Prussia, to be the primary symbol of Berlin
’s colourful and turbulent history. They are wrong. Very wrong. It’s more the primary symbol of Berlin’s ability to completely over-restore one of its most historic attractions so that it looks like it was built in 1991 not 1791. Worth a visit only if you want to have your photo taken with out-of-work actors posing as Russian soldiers, or to buy smelly currywurst sausages from unhygienic-looking food carts.
Tower of London
One of the world’s most famous fortresses with a rich history that dates back to its construction in 1078. Since then it’s seen service as a royal palace, a prison, an armoury, a treasury, and even a zoo. How many foreign attractions can match that? Not many, I can tell you! Today uniformed beefeaters protect the magnificent and priceless Crown Jewels which are on display for visitors to see. The Tower is said to be haunted by the ghost of Anne Boleyn carrying her head under her arm – and that’s not something you see every day.
Leaning Tower of Pisa
An example of typical Italian workmanship in the only city in the world where a tourist attraction has been created out of subsidence.
Vinopolis
If, like me, you love wine, you’ll love Vinopolis! Covering a massive 2.5 acres and located just five minutes from London Bridge, it’s the perfect place to learn about the history of wine but more importantly, indulge in some wine tasting. Whether you’re a social drinker, a wine connoisseur or a raging alcoholic, you’ll have a great time here (though you may not remember it).
The Acropolis, Athens
Rising above Athens and containing the remains of several ancient temples including the Parthenon, as soon as you hear the words ‘sacred rock’ or ‘ruins’ attached to an attraction, you know it’s going to be a disappointment. The Greeks have the same concept of ticketing and organisation as they do of responsible government expenditure, so to get to the top you need to survive an ill-tempered queue with no shade, and at least a 30-minute dangerously overcrowded trek and almost guaranteed heat stroke. Is that really how you want to spend a holiday?
Garlic: Nature’s Atrocity
‘Do not eat garlic or onions; for their smell will reveal that you are a peasant.’
– MIGUEL DE CERVANTES, SPANISH NOVELIST (AND A FAR BETTER JUDGE OF FOODS THAN AN AUTHOR).
Garlic, or to give it its Latin name allium sativum (literally, ‘onion’s stinky cousin’) became popular in European cuisine after chefs in France, Italy, Greece and Spain first discovered its most valuable property: its ability to disguise the taste of revolting Mediterranean dishes.
In addition to this essential role, garlic lovers maintain that this vegetable has many beneficial effects and call it ‘nature’s pharmacy’. They claim it lowers cholesterol and blood pressure and is a good remedy for colds and flu, but since garlic is also associated with the power to ward off vampires, it’s probably best to take any health claims with a pinch of salt.*
Fans, however, acknowledge that garlic does polarise people and compare it to Marmite. Yet this analogy presents garlic in an inaccurate, favourable light.
It’s actually more like raw liver. Everyone hates it.
Garlic FAQs
What is the main property of garlic?
Its use as an effective contraceptive.
Does garlic have a place in every kitchen?
Yes. Under or behind somewhere heavy or inaccessible, or in the swing bin.
Can I eat raw garlic?
Of course, if you want to experience what it’s like to lick a live battery.
Is there anything worse than the smell of garlic?
Yes. Its taste.
What can I serve to complement a dish containing garlic?
A mug of Listerine.
Is it true that the slaves who built the pyramids in Ancient Egypt chewed on garlic to give them raw energy?
You’re an idiot.
OK, but according to many religions, when the Devil was cast out of the Garden of Eden, garlic sprang up where his left foot had touched the ground. Is that true?
That’s probably more like it.
*which would actually be far tastier.
The Eurovision Song Contest –
Why It Should Have Nil Points
It’s difficult to know what inspires more hatred in me: that this horrifying event should ever exist in the first place, or that it provides yet another excuse for Graham Norton to appear on our screens. A talent show for the untalented, this is state-funded propaganda at its very worst. When Terry Wogan hosted it, no one took it seriously. It was a bit of silly fun and he took the piss out of the whole thing. In recent years, though, it’s turned into a vicious, prejudiced political forum, a sort of EU Parliament but with bad songs, where everyone gangs up against Great Britain for a) existing and b) having a world-beating musical legacy that includes the Beatles, Showaddywaddy and Phil Collins.
And in no event at all (unless it involves bauxite mining or ploughing) should you ever have to hear the words, ‘It looks like Azerbaijan are the clear favourites’…
5 Things Wrong With the Eurovision Song Contest
It’s irresponsible for East European countries to enter
Estonia, Macedonia, Belarus, Croatia, the Ukraine, Moldova, Latvia… Shouldn’t these countries be concentrating on keeping an eye on their grain harvest or regulating working conditions for their prostitutes, rather than investing resources that they can ill-afford into entering the contest?
Everyone just votes for their neighbours
It’s no coincidence that Latvia routinely awards top marks to Lithuania, Cyprus regularly throws a few points Greece’s way and Bulgaria is the biggest supporter of Romania. It seems the Eurovision Song Contest is less about choosing the best overall song and more about casting votes on the basis of geography, ideology or having similar dopey-looking national costumes.
The songs are appalling
If music is a universal language then the Eurovision Song Contest demonstrates the universal language of shockingly bad music. Supporters point out that it provides an opportunity to hear musical styles you might otherwise not be exposed to. That’s correct. Where else could you sit down in front of your TV on a Saturday night and hear Moldavan reggae, Hungarian rap, Slovenian techno or Albanian blues. What’s more, the contest features Song titles! With lots! Of exclamation marks!
(NB The balalaika will never, ever be an effective substitute for an electric guitar.)
The singers are appalling
Outside of a Little Mix concert, the Eurovision Song Contest holds the monopoly on singers with a complete lack of charm, charisma and any ability to hold a tune. Here you can watch Armenia’s uglier version of Duran Duran, the Maltese Leo Sayer, the Icelandic Bee Gees or a singer from Georgia who looks and sounds like a poor man’s Chesney Hawkes who’s sold 60 million albums in Turkey.
It’s an insidious way of promoting a united Europe
On the face of it, it’s a harmless piece of light entertainment but scratch the veneer of talentless acts and you’ll see a selection of angst-ridden and worthy songs about unity, peace, harmony, or lighting a candle: performances accompanied by scenes of hideous rampant nationalism that make the Nuremberg rallies look like a WI coffee morning.
UKIP Fairy Tales No.1 Cleggio
Gepetto Cameron put down his paintbrush and looked at the small wooden figure sitting before him in his cluttered workshop. ‘I was going to call you Pinocchio but you are so absolutely lifeless and wooden that I will call you Cleggio,’ he said aloud.
‘If only you had a personality,’ he said to himself. ‘If only you were real rather than just my puppet.’
Gepetto put Cleggio on a shelf, turned off the lights and went to bed.
That night, however, when Gepetto was fast asleep, the Blue Fairy swept in through an open window and brought Cleggio to life, telling him that if he proved himself truthful and unselfish he would become a real politician.
The next morning Gepetto cried with joy. Somehow his wish for Cleggio had come true. He sent him off to
private school so he could be better educated, but on his way Cleggio was led astray and joined a circus called the European Union.
After performing for the boss of the circus, Jean-Claude Juncker, Cleggio found himself locked in a birdcage, trapped and lost. His plaintive cries for help however were heard by the Blue Fairy, who appeared once more.
‘Oh Cleggio,’ she said despondently, looking at his predicament. ‘Why, oh why, did you join the EU Circus?’
‘Because it’s good for our country and the British people,’ Cleggio replied earnestly.
‘You don’t seriously believe that?’ asked the Blue Fairy, rolling her eyes.
‘Most definitely,’ Cleggio said, adding, ‘And if we left it would be unpatriotic!’
The Blue Fairy couldn’t believe what she was hearing. ‘If John Humphrys had heard that, he would have been astonished,’ she commented, and went on, ‘But what would actually happen if Britain left the EU?’
