“It won’t,” I promise,
breathing easier.
“Your heart
is in the right place.” She smiles.
“And I’m dead sure
that from now on,
your boundaries
will be, too.”
“The Truth Will Set You Free”
Glad I figured that out.
Glad Brendan did, too …
but there’s such a thing
as too free.
I gotta remember
to give him a call—tell him
to think long and hard
before he comes out to his mom
and Claude the Interloper
unless he’s in a position
to pay for school himself.
Not easy to be trans
but I KNOW
it’s gonna be easier
with a college degree.
I can’t settle Brendan’s confusion
for him—no one can
but I told him he might wanna
look for a therapist
trained in gender issues.
Not to “cure” him
just to help figure things out.
And I can help, too,
that’s an Angel’s job.
When I leave Willows,
Marcus is out front
waiting for me
a smile on his face,
kick-ass
Bean Scene mocha
for me
in his hand.
“Thought we could
walk to the park.”
Thank you, God,
for everything.
(BRENDAN)
Angel Takes Off
Vanessa’s still here.
It’s awkward.
Standing
close enough
to touch
but not
speaking.
An airplane buzzes overhead.
I look up to see the vapor trail.
“Angel is trans,” I finally say.
I don’t know
if that’s an okay thing
outing her like that.
It’s all so complicated.
I just thought it might
make a difference to Vanessa.
She says nothing.
“Want to come in?”
“You want to be like that?”
Her face
is angled away
hard to read.
I want to touch it.
“You want to look like that?”
“I don’t know.”
This time nothing breaks
the silence.
She turns to me.
Her eyes serious, dark,
and I can’t see myself
in them.
Finally: “Did you love me?”
“I still love you,” I say.
“But you want to be a girl.”
Her voice flat,
not accusing
just stating.
“It’s complicated,”
I tell her.
She nods like she understands
but I don’t think she does.
“Maybe I’m a lesbian,” I say,
and it falls,
a too-soon joke.
A wisp of her hair
is coming loose
from her ponytail
my hand twitches
to touch it,
to touch her.
Sadly, slowly.
“But I’m not,” she says.
Understanding that
makes it no less painful.
She was mine
and now she isn’t.
I think there’s nothing left to say
till she leans forward
kisses me on the cheek.
“But I
will always
love you.”
After she leaves
I go into the house,
find my mom
in the music room.
She’s sitting at the harp
not playing,
just staring
off into space.
I wonder
what she’s thinking.
I’ll probably never know.
She looks up,
realizes I’m standing there
staring at her.
“Everything okay?” she asks.
Her voice hopeful
for a second,
young.
I nod.
“I’d like to go see someone
other than Dr. Andrews.”
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
RESOURCES
FURTHER READING
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
So many people helped me with this project, from answering nosy questions to pointing me in the direction of resources to loving and supporting me while I wrote.
My heartfelt apologies if I’ve inadvertently left anyone out.
First, I want to thank my amazing editor, Joy Peskin, for her patience, enthusiasm, and keen instincts. The book you hold in your hands is vastly better than it started out to be thanks to her loving ministrations.
Much adoration and appreciation goes to my loving and supportive family, both immediate and extended. Having a writer in the house can be kind of torturous—I’m grateful you are up to the challenge. Thank you to Steve, especially, for being such an excellent sounding board. Your insightful suggestions helped immensely.
Huge thanks go to my earliest readers, Kathleen Wolski, Damen Cook (the video game consultation was much appreciated!), Kelly Sheahan, Susan Hart Lindquist, Jim Averbeck, Lyn Wyman, Andrea Bechert, Kevin McCaughey, and Michele Veillon. Thanks also to my writing tribe and team members, including my fabulous agent, Tracey Adams, and, of course, Kim Turrisi and SCBWI—who got the ball rolling in the first place! To Lee Wind for informing a key moment near the book’s conclusion. Thank you to all of the real-life Brendans and Angels who were willing to openly and honestly talk to me, and a huge thanks to Anthony Ross and the fine folk at Outlet in Mountain View, California. Finally, a very special thank-you needs to go to Ellen Hopkins, who, when I went to her, wringing my hands and whining that she needed to write something for gender-variant kids, listened patiently, then said, “No, this is a story you need to write yourself.”
My cup of gratitude runneth over.
RESOURCES
Trevor Lifeline: 1-866-488-7386
thetrevorproject.org
Providing crisis intervention to LGBTQ youth
lgbtcenters.org/Centers/find-a-center.aspx
International database of LGBTQ centers
imatyfa.org
Assisting families with trans and gender-variant youth
community.pflag.org
For parents, families, and friends of LGBTQ individuals (also links to TNET, their transgender network)
genderspectrum.org
Providing support and education
genderfork.com
A supportive community for the expression of identities across the gender spectrum
genderadvocates.org
Links for transgender youth
gsanetwork.org
Gay Straight Alliance
projectoutlet.org
LGBTQ support and education in Mountain View, California
glbtnationalhelpcenter.org
Serving the LGBTQ community nationally
plannedparenthood.org
Addressing LGBTQ health
leewind.org
I’m Here. I’m Queer. What the Hell Do I Read?
FURTHER READING
This list is nonfiction, but there are some noteworthy novels and even a couple of picture books that bring greater understanding to this topic. Check out Lee Wind’s great blog, leewind.org, for a huge list of LGBTQ titles.
Feeling Wrong in Your Own Body: Understanding What It Means to Be Transgender, Jaime A. Seba
The Full Spectrum: A New Generation of Writing About Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, Qu
estioning and Other Identities, edited by David Levithan and Billy Merrell
GLBTQ: The Survival Guide for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, and Questioning Teens, Kelly Huegel
The Riddle of Gender: Science, Activism, and Transgender Rights, Deborah Rudacille
She’s Not There: A Life in Two Genders, Jennifer Finney Boylan
The Transgender Child: A Handbook for Families and Professionals, Stephanie A. Brill and Rachel Pepper
Transgender Explained for Those Who Are Not, Joanne Herman
Transgender Warriors: Making History from Joan of Arc to Dennis Rodman, Leslie Feinberg
Transparent: Love, Family, and Living the T with Transgender Teenagers, Cris Beam
Farrar Straus Giroux Books for Young Readers
175 Fifth Avenue, New York 10010
Copyright © 2013 by Kristin Elizabeth Clark
All rights reserved
First hardcover edition, 2013
eBook edition, February 2013
macteenbooks.com
The Library of Congress has cataloged the print edition as follows:
Clark, Kristin.
Freakboy / Kristin Clark. — First edition.
pages cm
Summary: Told from three viewpoints, seventeen-year-old Brendan, a wrestler, struggles to come to terms with his place on the transgender spectrum while Vanessa, the girl he loves, and Angel, a transgender acquaintance, try to help.
ISBN 978-0-374-32472-8 (hardcover)
ISBN 978-0-374-32473-5 (e-book)
[1. Novels in verse. 2. Sexual orientation—Fiction. 3. Transgender people—Fiction. 4. High schools—Fiction. 5. Schools—Fiction. 6. Wrestling—Fiction. 7. Family life—Fiction.] I. Title.
PZ7.5.C52Fre 2013
[Fic]—dc23
2012050407
eISBN 9780374324735
Freakboy Page 17
