“An old friend who sends you flowers and a card, it must be a good old friend,” she replies slowly and carefully.
“Oh, mom, it’s from Adrian,” I admit and take a seat next to her at the table.
“Adrian? I haven’t heard that name in ages. Is that who’s come by here a few times?” she asks.
“Yes, it’s been him. Mom, it’s a disaster. I have to work with him on this project at work. He wants to get back together.”
“Shay, honey, I don’t know all that happened between the two of you and I’m not asking you to tell me. But, I can still remember the two of you together. I wasn’t pleased when you two got married at eighteen, but I know how much you loved him.”
“Mom, it’s just not that simple.”
“It never is, honey,” she replies. She hands me the card and places her hand on mine. She looks me in the eyes and says, “Follow your heart. Don’t overthink it.”
She gets up and slowly makes her way over to the refrigerator and tells me that she can make her own breakfast this morning.
If only it were that simple, to go with my heart. My heart wants to run to him and never let go. I open the card and see his beautiful penmanship. I don’t know if my heart can take what’s written in this card.
Deny my touch, upon your face
to trace the form
of quiet grace.
Fingertips, caressing lips
and cheek and chin
and perfect skin.
Deny a hand, holding hand
deny the sea, the sifting sand
but,
never deny my love your heart.
I knew better than to read it. My heart can only take so much. To know he feels these things for me and to know what I did to him and what I keep from him. It’s just too much for one person to handle.
Chapter 7
Adrian
I get to the office and I hope that Shay will come in this morning. I poured my heart out to her through poetry. My thoughts and words always seemed to flow through my pencil. They came out on paper and told a story of exactly how my heart feels. I said all I can say. There’s nothing left to do, but wait and hope she realizes what I said is true. I love her with all my heart and I want her back in my life.
To my relief, she walks in the door and takes a seat at her desk. I get up and lock the door. There will be no interruptions this time. I sit back down at my desk and wait for her to say something, anything. It’s killing me not knowing if she’s here to work or if she’s considering there being an us.
“I got your flowers and card this morning. They’re beautiful, thank you. That card, my God, you always did have a way with words. It was a cheap shot though, if you ask me. I never could resist your poetry,” she says with a faint smile.
“Does this mean you’ll give us a second chance?” I ask her.
“I’ve thought long and hard about this and I’d like nothing more than to give us another chance. On one condition though, I need to sit down and tell you something. I can’t go into a new relationship with you, before I tell you something that has weighed on me for seventeen years.”
“Alright, what is it?” I ask.
“I don’t want to talk about it right now, not here. Can we go somewhere after work?”
I get up and walk over to her desk as her cell phone rings in her purse. She stands when I get to her, ignoring her cell phone. I run the back of my hand down her cheek and search those amazing blue eyes. She closes her eyes and leans into my touch. She’s giving us a second chance. She’s made me the happiest man alive. Just as my lips graze hers, her cell phone rings again and someone tries to open the door. They start pounding once they realize it’s locked.
“Open the door, man. Is Shay in there? I got an urgent call for her from her boss,” they say, while continuing to bang on the door.
I unlock the door and the look on the guys face concerns me and sends a chill down the back of my neck.
“Your boss called and said the traveling nurse for your mother is trying to get a hold of you. He said she’s been trying to call you on your cell. He said you need to call her now,” he says urgently.
She digs in her purse, searching frantically for her cell phone as it starts ringing again. She dumps the contents on her desk sending items rolling on the floor.
“Hello,” she answers and listens as the other person talks.
Her face turns white and her eyes well with tears, then spill down her cheeks.
“Yes, I understand, I’ll be right there,” she tells the person on the other end of the line.
She frantically shoves her things back in her purse as she gasps and holds her stomach, then she places one hand on her desk to hold herself up.
“What is it? What’s wrong?” I question her.
She plops into her seat and covers her face with her hands and sobs.
“You’re scaring me, what is it?” I ask her again.
She suddenly shoots out of her chair, grabs her purse and says, “I have to go.”
I grab her arm and look her in her eyes. She’s a mess and she’s in no condition to drive.
“What did your mom’s nurse say?” I ask her gently.
“She…she said something happened and I needed to get to the hospital right away. I need to go.”
“I’ll drive,” I tell her.
“No, I can do this,” she says with tears streaming down her face.
She pulls out of my hold and heads out the door. I follow after her and as soon as she gets to her car she drops her keys in the dirt. I pick up her keys and pull her in for a hug. She covers her face with her hand, then buries her face in my chest, as her whole body shakes while she cries.
“I’ll drive,” I tell her.
I’m not taking no for an answer this time. I walk her around to the passenger side, open the door for her and put her in. We ride in silence to the hospital. Once there she immediately spots her mother’s nurse and rushes over to talk to her. By the time I get to them she’s again in tears. I pull her into my body and let her cry.
The nurse has her own tears in her eyes, puts her hand on Shay’s back and tells me, “They think she had a massive heart attack. The doctor said he’ll come out and update us as soon as they have more information.”
I walk Shay over to the waiting area and just hold her to my chest. Within fifteen minutes, a doctor comes out and asks to talk to Shay in private. She grabs my hand and pulls me with her. I would never have let her talk to that doctor by herself, even if she didn’t pull me with her.
What the doctor tells Shay next devastates her to an uncontrollable pile on the floor. That morning at 9:23, Shay’s mother suffered a massive heart attack.They performed life-saving measures for about twenty minutes, but ultimately it claimed her life. She melts to her knees on the floor, unable to stand on her own any longer. I pick Shay up off the floor and walk her back to the waiting room. She cries uncontrollably and gasps sounds of utter unrestrained anguish. I’ve never heard such agonizing sorrow before in my entire life. My own heart breaks for her and my own tears fall down my face into her hair.
It took about an hour for her to get her emotions pulled together enough for me to take her home.
Once at home, she immediately runs to her mother’s room and throws herself on her bed, pulling her mother’s pillow to her face. Her entire body shakes with the devastation of her loss. She cries until she has no more tears to cry anymore. Exhausted, she eventually cries herself to sleep. I lay next to her the entire time, just holding her. It brings into perspective the value of family. I don’t know how I would react to losing either of my parents. We all know that one day it will happen, but I don’t think there is any way to prepare for the amount of grief that it will bring. We are entirely too naive to the reality of our loved one's mortality and waste precious time on trivial things, instead of spending it with the people who matter the most to us.
It’s dark by the time Shay wakes up. She phoned her brother in Calif
ornia and told him. He’s flying out with his family on the next available flight.
If I could take the look of utter devastation and sadness off of her face, I would. I love her so much that I would kill to take this grief from her and make it my own. I know how close she and her mother were. She continues to lie on her mother’s bed with her nose stuck in her mother’s pillow. Her eyes are red and swollen, and I thought for sure she had no more tears left in her to cry. But they still flow down her cheeks on her mother’s pillow. I get up and head into the kitchen to make her something to eat. I don’t know if she’ll eat it, but it’s the least I can do. When I come back, she’s sitting on the edge of the bed with an envelope in her hand.
“What’s that you have there?” I ask softly.
“I need to talk to you about something. Earlier today, I told you I couldn’t get back into a relationship with you until I told you something first,” she says.
“We don’t have to talk about this right now,” I say and sit next to her on the bed.
She’s had such an emotional day I don’t want to see her go through any more pain. I don’t know what she wants to talk to me about, but it has to be big for her to have kept it to herself all these years.
“That’s just the thing. I do have to tell you now. Now is the exact right time to tell you. What I have to tell you though, you may end up hating me and leaving me. I accept that if you do. I realize more than anything that honesty will set me free.”
Shay
I take a deep breath and hold the envelope in my hand and wish it all to just not be true. But it is. It’s a part of my life and a part of Adrian’s that I’ve robbed him of all these years.
“Can you promise to just listen and not say anything until I’m done? After I’ve told you everything, I’ll completely understand if you want to leave and never see me again. But, I need to tell you everything.”
“I could never leave you. What is it? You can tell me, I promise to hear you out and we can work this out, I promise,” he says.
As comforting as it is to hear him say that, I fear that the truth will just be too much for him and he’ll leave me. I have no choice, though. With or without him in my life, I have to get this heavy burden off of my heart.
“Seventeen years ago, the night of the accident, I kept something from you. I’ve never told anyone, not even my mother. On the way to the hospital in the ambulance, I started bleeding…”
“You were hurt? I thought you were OK, why didn’t you tell me?” he interrupts, placing his hand on my arm in concern.
I sigh, take his hand and place it back in his lap. He looks at me confused. I’m sure he doesn’t understand why I can’t have him touching me, but he’ll figure it out as I keep telling him. I don’t deserve his touch or his sympathy.
“I need to say this, I need to tell you everything, you promised you wouldn’t interrupt,” I remind him.
“I’m sorry, you’re right. Go ahead.”
“The truth of it is, a few weeks before the accident, I found out…I found out I was pregnant. They told me at my appointment that I was already eleven weeks. The accident was two weeks later. I was going to tell you once we got to Boston. I wanted it to be a big surprise. But, I started cramping and bleeding in the ambulance and once I got to the hospital, I had a miscarriage. When I saw just how hurt you were, I didn’t want to burden you with more bad news. So, I kept it to myself. When I heard you and your family blame me for the accident, I knew, I could never show my face again. If you all hated me for that, what would you think of me if you knew…if you all knew that, I killed our baby too…?”
“Just one second. I’m sorry. I know I said I wouldn’t interrupt, but it was an accident…” he starts to say again.
“Please, let me finish. You asked me about my tattoo a while ago. It’s in remembrance of our baby that died that day. I didn’t know if it was a boy or a girl, so I had it represent either possibility. It says ‘Never Forget’ in Latin. I never opened this. This is the final report from the hospital on the miscarriage. It’s the only thing I have left. If you want to look at it, you can. I am so sorry I kept this from you. I hope you can see this from my point of view. I never meant to hurt you by leaving you. I loved you and your family so much, I still do. It killed me to walk away from you and your family that day. I just couldn’t bear to see the look in your eyes, or theirs, once you all found out about the miscarriage. In the end, I lost the baby. You lost your scholarship and your career, and I lost you all because of a stupid argument. I know I don’t deserve it, but I hope you can forgive me,” I say and hand him the envelope.
He takes it with a blank look on his face.
I look him in the eyes and wait for his reaction. Something, anything, if he were to yell at me, I’d take it, I deserve it. But, he just sits there with the envelope in his hand.
“Please, say something,” I beg.
“I, um, I’m thinking. I’m thinking really hard here. I need to think about what I need to say. This is a lot to process. Give me a second,” he says, then gets up and starts to pace the room.
“I’ll answer any question you have, please just don’t give me the silent treatment,” I say and walk up to him.
I go to touch him, but he flinches away and holds his hands up. Oh God, I knew it. He can’t stand for me to even touch him. I knew telling him would end like this.
“Alright, first question. Obviously, you thought you were pregnant and you went to the doctor by yourself, why didn’t you tell me? I would have gone with you,” he says.
That’s a good question. I don’t really have a good reason why I didn’t tell him in the first place, when I first thought I might be pregnant.
“I was eighteen, I was scared. I didn’t want to worry you if it were a false alarm. We were headed off to Boston in only a few weeks. If I wasn’t pregnant, it wouldn’t have been a big deal.”
“But, you were pregnant and you still didn’t tell me, why?” he asks.
“I was going to, I really was. I wanted to make it a big surprise once we got to Boston. I had started to think of ways to surprise you. I swear, I wasn’t keeping it a secret. I was going to tell you once we got settled.”
“I wish you would have told me you had a miscarriage. Yeah, I was dealing with my own injuries, but you shouldn’t have had to deal with that on your own.”
“I felt like I had no choice. You and your family were so mad at me already. I couldn’t look you or them in the eyes and tell them that along with ruining your life and career, I killed our baby too.”
He rushes over to me, points the envelope in my face and says angrily, “I don’t ever want to hear you say that again. You did not kill our baby and you did not ruin my life. It was an accident. Don’t ever let me hear you say that again, do I make myself clear?”
“You need to face the fact that it’s true. I’m sure what’s in your hand will tell you the same thing. It’s all my fault,” I say and point to the envelope.
“I don’t need a piece of paper to tell me what I know for a fact is not true! Don’t say it again,” he warns again angrily.
He looks at the envelope in his hand and slowly opens it. I guess he really does need the proof that it was all my fault. He takes a seat in the chair in the corner of my mother’s room and reads all the proof he will ever need to know. My heart sinks as he reads. He’ll surely hate and resent me for what I’ve done.
“You never read this?” he asks, looking up from the paperwork.
“No, I could never bring myself to read it. I already know everything that happened that day. I couldn’t bring myself to throw it away either. It’s all I have left of our baby,” I say in a teary gasp.
“I’m no doctor, but I’m pretty sure I understand what this says. You need to take a look at this,” he says as he stands up and walks over to me.
He holds out the paperwork for me to take, but I just can’t.
“No, I can’t, I don’t want to see what it says,” I tell him hone
stly, as hot tears sear down my cheeks.
He sighs and says, “If you’re not going to look, then I’m going to tell you what it says. This says that the miscarriage wasn’t caused by the car accident.”
“What?” I say, as fresh tears pool in my eyes at the sound of his words.
No, it couldn’t be. It just can’t be true what he’s saying.
“Look, it says right here, at your first appointment you measured at eleven weeks pregnant and at the time of your miscarriage you measured at twelve weeks. The accident was a week later. You would have been thirteen weeks pregnant. It says from their findings the miscarriage at the time of the accident was purely coincidental, not the actual cause of the miscarriage,” he says.
I hear his words clear as day. Then it sounds like he’s talking to me under water. My entire body tingles. Seventeen years, I tortured myself into believing that I killed my baby, our baby. There was proof stating otherwise and it was in my possession this whole time. I didn’t kill our baby.
“Doll, did you hear me? You didn’t do this. This wasn’t your fault. It was a natural occurrence. The accident didn’t cause the miscarriage.”
Chapter 8
Adrian
For the second time that day, I had to pick Shay up off the floor and hold her while she cried uncontrollably. I don’t blame her one bit. I can’t believe she went through all of these years believing that she killed our baby. I’m mad as fucking hell that she didn’t tell me, but I understand her reasons. I would have liked to rip into her up one side and back down the other. She just lost her mother and I think it’s just time to let it go.
The next few days are a big blur. Her brother Drew, his wife Sophia and their two kids, Blake, who is five, and Sammie, who is three, came in from California. They make plans to have a service at a local memorial chapel to honor the life of their mother and plan to have a cremation service after the memorial. I helped Shay as much as I could. All I know is that I needed to be there for her in every way possible in this tragic portion of her life. The services are all planned for Monday afternoon.
Running Into Love - The Complete Box Set Page 40
