by Rula Sinara
She kissed him.
Just once, but it was soft and tender and so full of promise. He didn’t kiss her back. Her lids barely fluttered, but her eyes remained closed...waiting...hoping. She bit the corner of her lip, and lines formed between her brows as she let go of him and stepped away. He needed to be strong. The sooner he let her go, the less damage he’d leave in his wake. His chest ached and eyes stung.
“I’m sorry, Pippa.”
“No, I’m sorry,” she said. A small, self-deprecating laugh escaped her. “I should’ve realized. I’ve been through this before. Right? Lessons learned and all that.”
She wiped her cheeks briskly and straightened her shoulders. He reached out, but she took another step back and shook her head.
“Pippa, I don’t want to hurt you. I’m trying to do what’s best for—”
“Don’t say it. Just...don’t. You’re doing what’s best for you. You’re all into studying and predicting risk and danger, yet you’re afraid to take any risks yourself. You can’t predict everything, Dax. You can’t protect everyone from what the future holds and keep them from embracing life in the process. You’re not really living, Dax. You’re surviving. You’re letting life pass you by. How is that any better than death? You’re overprotective of Ivy and Fern, but I’m not sure that even comes close to how protective you are of yourself.”
“That’s not true.”
“Isn’t it? I’m not sure if you’ll ever let anyone in, or if it’s just me you’re pushing away, but I refuse to let a man mess with my emotions again. I don’t want anyone tiptoeing around me, thinking that they’re protecting me when they’re not. That’s what happened with Haki and Maddie. I’ve forgiven them, but I’m also a stronger woman now. I promised that I’d always let you know...that I’d call it as I see it. You want to protect yourself, fine. But don’t protect me. Don’t say that you’re doing what’s best for me. Only I can say what’s best for me.”
“Can you? Your roots are here, Pippa. You have family here. A dream of helping all those young Maasai girls gain an education and a future. I have daughters. I get how important that is...how critical it is. You can’t walk away from all of that to become an instant mother to twins in the US.”
She stood there, her nose red but lips pressed firmly together.
“You’re right. I can’t do that any more than you could quit your job or quit being a father. We’re all wrong for each other.”
She was agreeing with him. That was what he wanted, wasn’t it? Then why did he feel like he’d taken a deadly blast to the chest? A dark wave washed through him, a tsunami that pulled him down and under. How is that any better than death? It wasn’t. At least the dead couldn’t feel pain.
“The twins. They’ll be wondering what happened to you.” Yet another mistake he’d made as a father. He’d let them grow attached to Pippa.
“I’ll still watch them until you leave, if you’re okay with that. I don’t want to miss out on these last few days with them. They’re...” She cleared her throat, but he’d already caught the hitch in her voice. “They’re special, to me.”
“I know. You’re special to them, too. This is going to be hard on them. But I won’t be working—at least not in the field—the next two days, and our flight’s the day after. Maybe it’s better if I just keep them with me. Like a transition period. I’ll tell them you had to get back to teaching.”
Those words hadn’t come out right. He could hear them twist midair into “others need you more than we do.” Pippa flinched, confirming that’s what she’d read between the lines. She simply nodded and rubbed her palms against her shirt.
“Okay.” She hesitated before turning to leave. “Um. I’m going home now. Hug them for me. And take care, Dax. I hope someday you’ll find someone worth the risk.”
With that, she rushed out to her jeep and sped away.
He stood there. Stuck in his spot. Stuck in his life. Haunted by the sinking feeling that he’d found her. The one worth the risk. The one who made his blood rush like a river in spring. But for all the life they gave, some rivers also ran deep enough to drag you under and never let you go.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
PIPPA LAY CURLED up on the couch with her head resting in her mom’s lap and tried to let her mother’s soothing touch make her forget all about Dax and the girls. She missed them already, and the ache bore through her like one of those monstrous drills tearing effortlessly through solid earth, deeper and deeper, as if unsatisfied with the damage in its wake. She tried blinking away the dry grittiness in her eyes, but she had no tears left. No feeling left in her. She reached for another tissue and wiped her nose.
“I just don’t get it, Mom. Why can’t I seem to learn?”
“Falling in love happens. Where would we all be if it didn’t? If there’s one thing I don’t want you to learn, it’s how to lock up your heart. Pippa, sweetheart, your capacity to love life and love others is part of who you are. One of the very best parts. If you let this keep you from falling in love again, then from what you’ve told me, you’ll be no better off than Dax.”
“Maybe I’m not meant to fall in love. Maybe I’m not destined to ever marry or have my own children.”
“Don’t say that.”
“No, really, Mom. There are so many kids out there who need me and whom I care about. Adia and the others. Maybe that’s my destiny...my purpose in life. To make a difference in their lives. Maybe I wasn’t meant to make a difference with Ivy or Fern.”
“I think you already did. It’s more than that, though, isn’t it? You didn’t only care for them or want to make a difference for them. It was more than that.”
Pippa sat up and tucked her knees in. She tried to steady her breathing, but every exhale sent weak tremors through her chest.
“I really love those girls. I don’t know why. I just do. Each one has something about her that reminds me of myself. I can’t explain it. It’s as if they’re a part of me even if I never gave birth to them. And—” a sob escaped her and she caught her breath “—and now it’s as if I’ve lost my children.” The tears came, and sobs shook her.
Anna wrapped her arms around Pippa and pressed a kiss to her temple.
“My little girl is all grown up. It hurts me to see you suffering. I wish I could make it all go away.”
She wished that, too. No, no. That would mean changing the past so that she would never have met Dax or Ivy or Fern. It would mean never having known them. Somehow, that felt like one more loss she couldn’t handle. As raw as this hurt was, she didn’t want to erase them from her memory...from her life. However she might have touched their lives, they’d touched hers even more. They’d made a difference to her. She lifted her head and wiped her eyes.
“I don’t want to forget.”
Her mom tucked a coil of Pippa’s hair behind her ear, then she secured the lock and took Pippa’s hand.
“Okay.”
That’s all she had to say. She understood. Of course she did. She was a parent. She’d witnessed the suffering that took place when a parent and child were separated among elephants. She’d told Pippa the story of how her father had found out about her and of how, for a while, Anna had been scared to death that Jack would take her little girl away, back to America. Luckily, they all ended up together at Busara. But still, Anna had experienced the fear and pain of Pippa’s loss. As for happy endings, perhaps that had been it for Pippa and there wasn’t another in store for her.
“Can I ask you something, Pippa? It’s not meant to upset you.”
Pippa nodded, and her mom took her chin and gently turned Pippa to face her.
“Once upon a time, before Haki and Maddie realized they were meant to be together, you were in love with him and wanted to marry him. How was that different from how you feel about Dax?”
Pippa covered her face with both hands and pressed her
fingertips to her brows. Her head throbbed, and her thoughts were scattered. Was Dax just another misstep? Another false love? She remembered holing up in her room for days after her devastating and unexpected breakup with Haki. It had torn her apart and left her feeling embarrassed, worthless and alone. At the time, she hadn’t known who she was without him. That hadn’t been a good thing. It would have eventually weakened their relationship. And traveling to Europe afterward and rediscovering herself was the best thing that had come from that devastation. Just as she’d witnessed time and again in nature, the death of something always led to the birth of something new...something better or stronger. From a sunset to a sunrise. Or drought to the first blade of grass sprouting after the rains. Or from the death of her relationship with Haki...to Dax and the twins entering her life.
She closed her eyes and tried to make sense of it all. But losing Dax felt different. It was deeper. More raw and primal. More spiritual. It wasn’t just that she’d lost herself. It felt like her very soul had been abandoned. Soul mates. The term filled her head and seemed to push all her scattered thoughts into place. She frowned and let the idea sink in. Her soul mate. She blinked away her tears and met her mother’s worried gaze.
“It was different because with Haki, we’d grown up around each other for so many years that I couldn’t define myself outside of ‘us.’ I didn’t know who I was as an individual. Not really. That’s not how it is—was—with Dax. I did love Haki, Mom. I still do. But as a dear friend. And I realize now that I always loved him that way. I wasn’t in love with him. I had no idea what being in love was like. I didn’t have anything to compare it to.” She paused and nipped at her bottom lip. “I do now.”
“Are you sure?”
“Mom, with Haki, I didn’t want to leave Busara. He wanted to chase new dreams and build a new sanctuary kilometers from here. I held him back because something inside me was holding me back, too. But with Dax, I even offered to leave Kenya to be with him and the girls. I meant it, too. Not because I don’t think my own dreams are important, but because I love him and the girls enough to find a way, so long as we’re together. But he wouldn’t let me. He obviously didn’t care enough or feel the same way.”
That made no sense. Weren’t soul mates a two-way thing? If he was her soul mate, wasn’t she his?
“Maybe he cared too much,” Anna said.
“Maybe he didn’t care enough,” Pippa countered.
“Sweetheart, love can be scary, and he’s been through a lot.”
“Well, I can’t give him that courage. I can’t make him want me enough. And I can’t spend the rest of my life waiting for him to realize what we had was worth taking a chance on.”
For the first time, she truly understood the inexplicably powerful connection that Haki and Maddie hadn’t been able to fight. She’d forgiven them for what they had done to her, but now that forgiveness seemed more genuine...deeper. She could empathize with what they’d gone through. It wouldn’t bring Dax, Ivy or Fern back into her life, but not everyone was blessed enough to meet their soul mate during their lifetime. At least she had.
“Just promise me you’ll give yourself another chance at love. Someone is out there for you. You’ll meet the right person at the right time,” Anna said.
The right person at the right time? Dax was the right person at the wrong place and time. The only other option was settling for the wrong person at the right time.
“No. He was the one. The only thing I can promise is that I’m never falling in love again.”
* * *
DAX HADN’T SEEN this degree of melancholy on Ivy’s and Fern’s faces since Sandy had passed away. Sure, they’d been younger and it had been a different kind of sadness, but they undoubtedly had the look of someone who’d lost a loved one. Disappointment, confusion and shock all rolled in one. It gutted him.
“Girls, she spent a lot of time helping us out. But she had to get back to teaching less privileged kids and giving them the kind of chance you two have. An education. Goals. The world at your merc—fingertips.” He’d caught himself and almost chuckled at the image of the world being at the mercy of Ivy and Fern Calder. Heaven help him.
“But she didn’t say bye to us,” Fern lamented.
“She did. She asked me to tell you that she wished you well and to give you both hugs.”
“That’s not the same. That’s a copout. Besides, I don’t believe it. Miss Pippa wouldn’t do that to us,” Ivy said.
“Yeah, she wouldn’t. She was nice. She never even left the enkangs without saying bye to everyone,” Fern said.
Man, they’d even picked up some Swahili from Pippa. She had been more than good for them. She had been great for them. Great for him, too, but that was a thing of the past, now.
“Well, she did and that’s that. I guess she had too much on her hands.”
“We didn’t put anything in her bag or jeep, we swear it. No spiders or anything,” Fern said. Her eyes glistened, and he tugged her closer and gave her a hug.
“That’s from Pippa, okay?”
“She wouldn’t have been scared off even if we did pull a prank. She liked us too much to be chased off by a prank,” Ivy insisted, shrugging him away when he tried to hug her, too.
“You’re right. She did like you. She loved you both. She told me so. But sometimes grown-ups have to work. We have responsibilities. Life’s not always simple.”
“It can be if you want it to be. I think you two had a fight. You scared her off.” Ivy folded her arms and glared at him.
“What are you talking about?” He understood full well what they meant, but he had no idea they’d noticed anything happening between him and Pippa. They really were growing up and starting to pay attention to things he wasn’t ready for. Relationships. Not his, nor theirs. The idea of them dating in a few years jolted him. He couldn’t handle his own love life, let alone the twins’ ups and downs and heartbreaks. He rubbed the back of his neck.
“You know what Ivy means,” Fern said. “You liked her and she liked you. It was obvious you two were all lovey-dovey and romantic. We want you to be happy. You’ve been acting different with her around. A good different.”
“Yeah. Like she said.” Ivy pursed her lips. “But, apparently, you ruined everything.”
“Okay, that’s enough. You two are out of line. I don’t want to hear another word about Pippa’s not being here. We leave in two days. She wouldn’t have wanted to come with us. As your nanny, I mean,” he quickly added when the twins each raised an eyebrow. Both on the right side. He cranked his stiffening neck to the side, but it didn’t help. “You two go do your work or read or something.”
They just stood there.
“Go. Now. Please.”
“Fine.” Ivy looped her arm in her sister’s, and they stalked off to their room, slamming the door behind them.
Dax let out a breath and lowered his head. He was doing the right thing. What he had to do. Then why did this feel like he was running away?
* * *
PIPPA PARKED AROUND the back of Tabara Lodge, as out of sight as she could be. Anyone lounging at the pool or dining near one of the panoramic windows wouldn’t be able to see her here. She’d assured Dax that she’d disappear from his life, and she intended to keep that promise. But she’d received word from Alim, doing double duty at the front desk today, that two guests who were retired professors from the University of Nairobi had heard about her efforts from a colleague, someone she’d known when she was studying there, and they were donating books and writing supplies along with money to her school and scholarships. It was more than she ever could have hoped for. She’d asked him to leave the boxes around back, just inside the doors leading to the kitchen and storage area.
She slipped inside, spotted the boxes and hoisted one up, bracing it against her chest. These supplies were precious. The Maasai children desperatel
y needed them. That’s why she was here at the risk of running into Dax or the twins again. Wasn’t it? Or did a part of her hope to run into them by accident? A fated meeting, one that was completely out of her hands. One that would prove they were meant to be together, even if they’d sworn to stay apart.
The coast was clear. She placed the box in the back of her jeep, moving her emergency blanket, pup tent and water container to the floor behind the front seats to make room for the other boxes. She hurried back inside the main lodge to get the next box, and then the next, securing them all with a rainproof tarp so that nothing would fall out if she hit a rut in the road.
The lodge grounds seemed quieter than usual. Deserted even. She popped back inside to leave Alim a thank-you note, then she climbed behind the wheel. There was nothing deserted about the place, other than the fact that she was hiding around back. Everything around her seemed empty today because Dax, Ivy and Fern would be leaving, never to return. In reality, the only place that was truly deserted was her heart. But she’d fill it. She’d fill it until the hollow ache subsided. She’d fill it with children from every village she could reach and with the love of everyone at Busara, including the orphaned baby elephants.
She’d bury herself in work.
Just like Dax had done.
She closed her eyes against the blazing sunlight and took in a breath. She couldn’t really blame him, could she? Here she was ready to hide behind something that sounded so right and legitimate and logical. She was doing it all in the name of love, just as he was for his daughters. Just as he’d started out doing for his parents and his friend who drowned in that tsunami and everyone else he wanted to protect, including his late wife. He’d been tortured by the people and relationships torn apart by disaster, and he’d wanted to stop it all from happening, yet he had driven everyone away in the process. First Sandy. Then her.
And now, as she’d told her mom, she’d never let herself fall in love again, either, because it was easier not to. Safer. And because she’d been second best before—settled for—and she couldn’t do that to someone else.
