by M. G. Morgan
It was like having someone switch off the sun. He was the only thing standing between me and the nightmares that threatened to eat me alive. It was his voice, his touch that kept me from drifting away like a ballon filled with helium.
I cried for him. I didn’t know if it was a physical reaction or if it was still all trapped inside my head. I felt the loss of him and it shattered me inside.
“Aidan.”
The word left my mouth. My eyes still felt like they were being held down with lead weights but I was just happy to be aware of my body at all. For too long it had been like a foreign entity, something I wasn’t really connected to, that I didn’t really impact.
“Sweetie, we’re here.”
A woman’s voice. It was wrong. Where was Aidan? It wasn’t his hand that took mine, it wasn’t his lips that pressed against my clammy forehead.
“Aidan.” My voice was stronger this time. I struggled to open my eyes and focus on the room around me. People stood around my bed, but they were blurred. I tried harder to focus in on them, tried harder to pick them out and put a face on them.
“Who is she looking for?”
The woman’s voice whispered and I turned towards the sound of her words. My head throbbed and every word she spoke felt more like a shout.
“I think she’s looking for that man that was here…”
A man’s voice, my father’s voice. It had to be serious if they were here.
“Bella, can you hear me, it’s Sarah?”
She gripped my hand in hers, her finger pressing against the needle that connected me to the drip. I winced, sucking a deep breath in through my teeth. I wanted to shake her off, tell her to move her hand from mine, that she was hurting me. But the only sound that left my lips was a half strangled whimper.
Of course they took this as a good sign, a sign that I was responding to them. I wanted to be happy that they were there with me, I really did. Part of me felt guilty that I wasn’t happy about it. But all I really wanted was him, was Aidan. Why wasn’t he here with me? Why hadn’t he come for me? I’d been so sure that he was with me, that he had kept me safe, kept me with him… And now that I was awake he wasn’t here at all.
Tears slipped from the corners of my eyes, running down my face to soak into my hair. I started to lift my hand to brush the damp trickles from my cheeks but someone grabbed it. My mother held my other hand and babbled about being so happy I was awake, that I was alive.
“Aidan.”
This time I forced the word to leave my lips clearer. There could be no mistaking it now, they couldn’t keep brushing it aside and I wouldn’t let them. Opening my eyes I blinked several times in the hopes that it would clear my vision and it slowly but surely it did.
“He’s not here, sweetheart, but we are, your family is here with you.”
My dad stood behind my mother, his hand on her shoulder as he stared down at me. Although his words sounded nice, there was nothing behind them, no real emotion. Of course my mother displayed enough emotion for the both of them. She was crying, tears cascading down her face faster than she could dab at them with her scrunched up tissue.
Sarah was the only one that I could see any real emotion in. Her fingers were still digging into the IV line that the doctors had given me but her eyes were filled with love. It was the first time my sister had ever really shown emotion towards me. She didn’t cry, she wasn’t the crying type but I knew as she held my hand that she loved me.
Coughing I winced as I struggled to sit up. My mother’s strong grip pressed me back down onto the bed.
“Don’t move sweetie, you’re safe here. We’ll get a doctor to come and look you over.”
She had clearly watched far too many medical dramas down through the years. I struggled against her hold, my lungs burned and for a few seconds it felt as though I was going to suffocate. There was something wrong with my lungs but I had no idea what it was. All I knew was that I was struggling to breathe and my body told me to get upright.
I swatted at her arms as she continued to pin me to the bed. My wheezing breaths growing shallower as my airways struggled. In an instant I was back in Christopher’s clutches, his hands tight around my throat as he strangled the life from me.Each time he took me to the brink before releasing me, allowing the air to race back into my struggling body before he started again.
Panic flared inside me and I lashed out, my hand catching my mother’s face. I didn’t mean to do it but I couldn’t breathe. I fought to sit upright as she fell backwards into my father’s arms, her shocked cry and subsequent sobbing drowned out by the rushing sound in my ears.
Sarah was the only one that seemed to understand the urgency. Wrapping her arms around my shoulders she hoisted me upright. The IV line ripping from my hand in the struggle but I didn’t feel it.
She pulled me to the edge of the bed, and swung an oxygen mask up to my face, pressing it over my nose and mouth. I fought to suck in deep breaths but it my lungs burned and my throat felt as though it had simply closed down. The room took on a white glow around the edges and I could feel myself slipping as I was slowly starved of oxygen.
Where was he? Where was Aidan? He should have been here, I was so sure that he had been here with me. Waking up to find him missing filled me with bitter disappointment. It tasted like ashes on my tongue and I wanted to scream with frustration.
The room exploded with activity, doctor’s in white coats and nurses pushing my family out of the way as they tried to assess what was happening to me. I struggled to tell them, I needed them to understand that I couldn’t breathe, that there was no air making its way down my throat.
“She’s obviously suffering some relapse of trauma.”
My mother’s voice rang out in the room.
“She wouldn’t hit me if she had known it was me. It’s all his fault, she was looking for him before she…” Her voice dissolved into sobs.
One of the doctors slid a needle into my arm, the pain nothing more than a mild irritation. And then I was falling, the white glow around the edges of my vision eating me until there was nothing left.
“Aidan!” I screamed his name, my body constricting as though held by tight bands of steel. If he loved me, he would hear me… If he loved me he would come.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Aidan
Waiting to hear news on Bella was like being slowly tortured. Every time I rang the hospital they refused to give me any news on her condition. Going down to the hospital was out of the question. Her father had placed me on the black list and the moment the security guards spotted me I was immediately told to leave. I had nothing to do but sit and wait. Wait for them to give in and let me see her.
The cell phone buzzed, the number on the caller id not one that I recognised. Pressing it to my ear I waited for the call to connect.
“Aidan, it’s Sarah.”
“How is she?”
I wasn’t interested in exchanging pleasantries, all I cared about was Bella. All I wanted to know was how she was doing. She was the only thing that mattered.
“She woke up.”
“I’m coming down there.”
“Aidan, wait let me finish. She woke up, she asked for you a few times and then she ran into some complications…”
My skin ran cold, as my stomach dropped out through my shoes and into the floor. There had to be a mistake, there couldn’t be a complication. Bella was fine, she was stable when I left her side… They had to be wrong.
“What sort of complications…”
My mouth ran dry and my palms were sweating, it made it hard to hold the phone steady.
“They think one of her lungs might have collapsed. They weren’t sure until she woke up but she can’t breathe on her own…”
“I want to see her.”
Sarah sighed. “Look my parents don’t even know that I’m contacting you. And the only reason I am is because she asked for you when she woke up. But if you come down here my father will have you removed.”
“
So what do you expect me to do? I can’t let her go through this on her own, you have to let me see her… I wasn’t there when she woke up the first time. You can’t keep me away from her now.”
“My parents go for something to eat at seven, if you can get down here for that time I will let you in to see her. I can’t promise it will work but I’ll do my best.”
I paused. I wasn’t going to get another chance, it was the best opportunity that I had and it was one I couldn’t miss out on.
“Fine, seven, I’ll be there. And Sarah.”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks for this.”
“Don’t thank me yet.”
She hung up and I was left staring at the cell phone. Emotions swirled within me and without thinking I stood. The small table opposite the bed was the first thing to go, I flipped it easily, my boots making short work of the weak wood. I ripped through the apartment like a tornado, destroying everything I could get my hands on. Until finally I collapsed inside the door, silent sobs shaking my body as the reality of the situation overwhelmed me.
The phone call could have been so different. All I could wish for was that I would get to Bella before something else happened. I wouldn’t be too late, not this time.
By the time seven rolled around I was more than ready to see her. The hours in between were like being trapped in a nightmare. I waited outside the hospital for Sarah to come and get me.
I watched as she waved goodbye to Bella’s parents before turning to head back inside. Following her I quickly caught up to her and grabbed her arm. She spun around, fear flickering into her eyes for a moment before she realised who I was.
“You scared me.”
“Sorry.”
Sheepishly I scrubbed my hand back over my head. My hair was beginning to grow back, slowly but surely. Shaving it had seemed like the right thing to do before and now… Now it felt right to let it grow again. I wanted Bella to remember me as the man I had been before she went missing. I didn’t want her to have anything to do with the new me.
“We don’t have much time.”
Sarah turned on her heel and headed for the bank of elevators, she expected me to follow her and I didn’t disappoint. We travelled in silence up to the ward where Bella was. It wasn’t until we started towards her room that Sarah finally spoke.
“I don’t think any of us ever said thank you for bringing her back?”
“I don’t deserve thanks.”
“Why do you always do that? Whenever I try to say something nice to you, you won’t let me. It’s like you enjoy punishing yourself.”
“The only person on this earth that will ever change that is lying in a bed behind that door. I don’t expect her to ever forgive me for what I allowed to happen to her, so I deserve to be punished.”
Sarah reached out, her hand touching my arm softly.
“She will forgive you. Bella could never hold a grudge against anyone, especially when what happened wasn’t your fault.”
I didn’t say anything else. What was I supposed to say? She obviously didn’t know the full story, she obviously didn’t understand, and I wasn’t going to set her straight. Bella could do that if she wanted.
I pushed the door open and stared at her. There was a tube in her mouth, it half obscured her face and I felt my heart constrict. The room spun for a second and I grabbed onto the door frame. I had thought that she looked small and frail before… Now she was barely there. It was a like a ghost had taken her place, moved the real Bella and was now lying in the bed, tricking everyone else but me.
I was suddenly beside her bed and I had no idea how I had gotten there. I didn’t remember walking across the room. Instead all I knew was her. She was the only thing in my head, in my sights and I couldn’t afford to take my eyes off her, not even for a second.
“Bella, I’m here, I’m here sweetheart.”
Tears slid down my face again and I dashed them away with the back of my hand. She didn’t need me crying over her. She needed me to be strong for her, and that’s what I would be.
“You need to wake up now. Everyone is so worried about you.”
Sarah sat in the chair on the other side of the bed and watched silently. I didn’t care that she had seen me cry, I didn’t care that she was watching me. Bella needed me.
“I love you, Bella. Don’t leave me. Don’t you dare leave me here alone, do you hear me? I need you to wake up. It doesn’t matter what anyone else needs, Bella, and I don’t care that I’m being selfish. I need you to wake up. I need you.”
Something flickered behind her eyes, her fingers tensed softly around my hand but it wasn’t enough. I wanted her to see me. I wanted to tell her that she was loved.
“Bella, come back to me. Come back to me, love, I found you.”
I lifted her hand to my lips and kissed the tips of her fingers softly. She stirred, her eyes flickering open for a second. She moved again as I continued to kiss her fingers. I willed her to open her eyes properly. If I could get her to wake up then maybe she stood a chance of being alright.
She opened her eyes and stared around in confusion. I watched as she struggled to focus in on me and when she finally did something softened in her eyes. Her body relaxed, it was like watching all the tension wash out of her.
I held her hand and we sat in silence. There was some much I wanted to tell her, so much I had to say to her but in that moment I understood the need for silence. It had been so long since she had looked at me, so long since I had seen her gaze trained on mine. Part of me wasn’t even sure about where to start. What could I say to her? Words seemed so pointless. There wasn’t enough words in the world to convey how sorry I was for letting her down. But in that moment of simply holding her hand and feeling her gaze rest on mine none of that mattered.
“What the hell is going on in here?”
Bella’s father’s voice ripped through the silence and peace of the room. I didn’t turn to him and it wasn’t because I was feeling rebellious, or that I wanted to piss him off more than he already was. I just didn’t want to lose sight of the woman I loved. She was here, really here… And she wanted me here, I knew that.
I was forced to look up at him when his fists closed in around the collar of my shirt. He used all of his strength to drag me up from the chair and I let him. The last thing I wanted was to upset Bella. She needed people to be calm around her… She needed to rest and heal and that wasn’t going to happen if I was fighting with her father.
It took all of my strength to resist the urge to land him on his ass. He dragged me from the room out into the corridor. It wasn’t until the door had swung shut that I finally let my temper lash out.
Shrugging free of his grip I turned on him, using my body to drive his against the wall. For the sake of Bella I would do a lot of things, but I wouldn’t become a walk over. Not for anyone, not ever.
“What the hell do you think you are doing?” I demanded, my voice low and dangerous. “That’s your daughter in that bed. Do you really think it’s such a good idea to go around manhandling people like that in front of her? Hasn’t she gone through enough?”
“You have no idea what my daughter has been through…”
“I might not, but I have a far better idea than you. I knew Christopher, I knew the monster he was and I did everything I could to get Bella back. Tell me, Richard, what did you do?”
His face went pale, the colour draining from his face as he fought to keep his calm. What was it about me that pissed him off so much? Had I been wrong in my thinking? Did he actually care for his daughter, did he care enough to honestly believe that I was bad for her? Or was it all superficial?
“I… I did what any father would do…”
He stuttered, his words tripping over each other as he struggled to come out with something, anything. And when he couldn’t he stared at me, dumbfounded before finally cracking.
“I had to keep my family together.”
“Always the good little soldier?”
He swallowed hard and tried to push me away. I let him, taking a step away from him. Judy immediately stepped in, grabbing her husbands arm as she tried to straighten his tie.
“Richard, you can’t let him talk to you like that? Do something.”
But he didn’t. Instead he shrugged free of her grip and strode off down the hall, his polished shoes squeaking across the linoleum. She turned on me, her face flushed before she ran after him. As she turned I caught sight of a slight bruise across her cheek. Part of me couldn’t help but wonder if Richard had been taking a little domestic discipline into his own hands.
When it was just me and Sarah standing there I let out a long sigh. I was tired, more tired than I had ever been in my life. It was as though all of my nights spent tossing and turning over Bella were finally catching up to me.
“Are you going back in?”
Sarah touched her hand to my shoulder and I smiled at her.
“Thanks for calling me over.”
She shrugged and I caught sight of something in her eyes, something I hadn’t seen before.
“You really care about her?”
Her question caught me off guard. I found myself staring through the window into Bella’s room as I answered. It wasn’t a difficult question to answer.
“Yeah, yeah I really do. I love her.”
“But how did you spend two years just searching for her?”
“I couldn’t give up on her.”
“But if Christopher was as bad as you thought then… how?”
I shrugged and put my hand on the door.
“I had to know, I had to find her… I’m just glad it turned out the way it has… I’d never really allowed myself to hope before.”
