by Nikko Lee
“He’s in class?” Tyler’s heart rode the rollercoaster of his emotions from guilt to relief to regret.
“Yes,” Sensei Melissa said. “It’s going to take him a little extra training to catch up to his level katas. It will be a good teaching opportunity for Sarah.”
“Hai, Sensei.”
“Get plenty of rest and fluids, and I hope to see you in class on Monday. Sayonara, Tyler.”
“Sayonara, Sensei.”
Tyler hung up the phone, glad Jaime had shown up for class. Jaime had a lot more strength than he gave himself credit for. Tyler knew he would be okay, or at least he would never let it show. That would make things a lot easier in the long run. Maybe in a few months, after things cooled down, they could go back to being friends and sparring together. The thought of keeping Jaime in his life—even at a distance—was something of a comfort. But tonight Tyler couldn’t deal with Jaime’s ease at hiding his feelings, when his own were playing Twister with his heart.
* * * *
Jaime had almost missed class. He had been staring at his soundboard, trying to think about work when Leila had come into the booth and reminded him of the time.
“You’re going to be late.”
He’d mumbled something about not feeling well. He could have just skipped class considering he would be late as it was. Then he remembered his promise to Tyler. Not that he expected Tyler to hold him to it. But Jaime loved training and wasn’t about to give it up again because he’d been stupid enough to get involved with someone he trained with. Again. If he was going to be able to stay and train in Sensei Melissa’s dojo, he needed to show Tyler this breakup was no big deal.
Jaime paused while getting changed even as class started. He hadn’t seen Tyler when he’d come in, but then again he’d kept his head down as he bowed and made his apologies.
Breakup. That was what it felt like, but that would mean they were something more than just lovers. He stuffed the feeling, tightening his throat and making his eyes water, deep down in his chest. Tyler had been the first man since Ethan to make a lasting impression on his heart. Maybe Jaime just wasn’t made for relationships. He did far better when things stayed casual.
That didn’t matter now. Jaime was at the dojo to train. When he was dressed and waiting for permission to join class, he allowed his gaze to leave the mats for a quick look around. No Tyler. Jaime felt relieved and sad at the same time.
By the end of class, Jaime was exhausted.
“You really pick up katas quickly,” Sarah said after they had bowed out.
“You are a good teacher, Sempai.” Jaime bowed.
“It’s going to take me a while to get used to being called that.”
“You will. I’d better get going.”
“No sparring?”
Jaime hoped she hadn’t seen him wince. He wasn’t sure sparring would ever be the same for him. At that moment, it reminded him of how close he’d been with Tyler—emotionally and physically.
“Not tonight. Sayonara.” Jaime bowed again.
“Sayonara.” Sarah bowed.
Jaime wasn’t the only one in the changing room, but he didn’t care. He just needed to get dressed so he could get home, shower, and sleep. Anything beyond basic necessities seemed unnecessary and just reminded him he was alone again.
“What do you think you are doing?”
With his shirt off and his pants halfway down, Jaime looked up to see Steve walking in.
“I would have thought that was pretty obvious.” Jaime had little patience for Steve tonight. He’d already given Jaime a good bruise on his leg from a low kick and nearly ripped his arm out of its socket during one-step sparring. “I won’t be long. You can wait outside if you are worried you can’t control yourself around me.”
Jaime slipped off his gi pants and reached for his jeans.
“Fucking prick.”
Jaime heard Steve slam the door. When he looked up, Steve was inches from him and coming in fast. Jaime raised his hands and let Steve throw him up against the lockers. The wild look in his eyes assured Jaime that Steve was looking for a fight.
“You think you are so good.” Steve thumped Jaime against the lockers, making them rattle.
Unfortunately, this wasn’t the first time Jaime was in this kind of situation. But this time he didn’t care what happened one way or another. If Steve wanted a fight, Jaime would give it to him.
“Better than you.”
“You spineless…”
“What’s going on in here?” Randy shouted.
Steve looked like he might take a swing at Jaime even with Sempai Randy standing right there.
“Nothing.” Steve released Jaime and grabbed his bag.
Steve pushed passed Sempai Randy and left.
“Are you all right?”
Jaime nodded. A few more bruises didn’t matter. He was a fool to think he had found a place he belonged. People like Steve were the reason he preferred to keep the different sides of himself separate. Somehow, Tyler had brought them together and made Jaime feel like a whole person, not just someone living his life one slice at a time.
“I’m fine.”
He finished changing in silence and left the dojo before Sarah could ask him what was wrong.
* * * *
A week wasn’t nearly enough time to get back to normal, but it was all Tyler was going to give himself. He even met Erica on Saturday, as he had promised. It was a lot better than moping around his apartment, which was about all he’d been doing for the last three days. He steeled himself as he walked through the dojo doors for the deadpan look he knew he would receive from Jaime.
Tyler bowed at the door and took a tentative look around the dojo floor.
“Konichi-wa, Sempai.” The class addressed him.
Jaime was not among the students on the dojo floor. Tyler contemplated waiting until Jaime came out of the changing room before he went to dress even though it might make him late for class.
“We have a problem.” Randy walked up to Tyler and motioned toward Sensei Melissa’s office.
Tyler’s heart skipped three beats, and he fought the urge to run. Insanely he assumed that somehow Sensei Melissa had found out about Jaime and him.
“What’s going on?” Tyler tried to steady his voice.
“There was a problem between Steve and Jaime after class on Wednesday.”
Tyler let out the breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. Through the window of the office that looked onto the dojo floor, he saw Steve on the edge of his seat as he argued with Sensei Melissa. His red face contorted from the effort of keeping control of his voice. Only muffled tones escaped from beneath the closed door. Sensei Melissa sat stone-faced on the other side of her desk, listening. While Steve got increasingly agitated, Sensei Melissa remained impassive.
The rest of the students skillfully looked busy, warming up for class even though the walls of the office only dampened Steve’s rising voice. Jaime was still not out of the changing room. It was suddenly very important Tyler knew he was all right.
“Tell me what happened?” Tyler turned back to Randy.
“I thought you were going to talk to Steve before class so I didn’t say anything to him about the grading,” Randy said. “After class, I was going to talk to him myself. He was getting pretty rough in class. By the time I got to the changing room, he had Jaime pinned against the lockers and looked ready to take Jaime’s head off. When he spotted me, he took off. Jaime wouldn’t tell me what was said, but I don’t think Steve was trying to pick him up, if you know what I mean.”
“Was Jaime hurt?”
Randy shook his head. “He looked pretty shaken up, but otherwise okay. You know Jaime. He didn’t want me to tell anyone about it.”
Of course, he’d say that. The last thing Jaime ever wanted was to make waves.
“I told Sensei Melissa,” Randy said. “I almost wish Steve had been stupid enough to try to hit Jaime. If Jaime didn’t take him out, I would have be
en more than happy to teach Steve a few moves he hasn’t seen yet.”
Tyler wouldn’t mind taking Steve to task himself. He might not like Jaime, but there was no excuse for roughing up another student because he was jealous.
“Maybe I’ll hold off changing.” Tyler kept an eye on Steve to see if he’d lose it.
They lingered near the door to Sensei Melissa’s office just in case. Tyler had no doubt Sensei Melissa could take care of herself. She’d been among the few women who’d started taking karate in the eighties when there were few rules and lots of broken bones. Her husband once told them her nickname was Bone Crusher. After a few sparring matches with her, Tyler knew exactly how she earned it. His ribs hurt for weeks, but he had loved every chance he got to spar with her. As her only black belts, Randy and he took their job seriously, making sure she didn’t have to deal with unruly students.
Suddenly the door of the office burst open, and Steve charged out.
“I’m not training with a fag.”
All the students looked up from their warm-ups with opened mouths. Tyler didn’t have to see Jaime to know he would be staring at the floor and wanting to fade into it. Tyler stepped between Steve and the dojo floor. Steve wasn’t going to get past him. Randy stepped beside Tyler with an equally imposing stance.
“I will only ask you to leave once.” Sensei Melissa emerged from her office right behind Steve.
Steve hesitated. He was surrounded on three sides with only the exit left open.
“Fuck you all. You call this a dojo? Run by a woman. Training fags and pricks?”
Randy and Tyler moved at the same time, each grabbing one of Steve’s arms. They hauled him out of the dojo without ceremony and stood in the doorway as he fumed before he spat on the ground and walked away.
“What an asshole!” Randy said as they headed back inside.
Sensei Melissa was addressing the lined-up students, minus two of Steve’s testosterone brothers. Billy and Ed emerged from the changing room, their gi bags in hand, and stormed out of the dojo.
“Bunch of pussies.”
Randy and Tyler followed them out of the dojo in case they got any ideas. When Tyler returned to the dojo floor, his hands started to shake. He’d felt the adrenaline rush before, but had never had to throw anyone out of class. When Sensei Hunt had died and some of his senior black belts had put up a fuss about Sensei Melissa taking over, it had been handled in a private black belt meeting. They were all calm and rational about their reasons for leaving. Steve was anything but.
“Four in five people will be involved in a violent situation.” Sensei Melissa stood at the head of the dojo as calm as any other night. “With awareness and forethought, you may be able to avoid that confrontation. But you will not get a choice in your attacker.”
“Hai, Sensei.”
Tyler’s ear searched the chorus of student voices for the one he wanted to hear the loudest. It was absent. During the adrenalin rush that had come from Steve’s forced exit, Tyler’s only concern had been protecting Jaime. That instinct overpowered all his worries. Now he had to resist the urge to look at Jaime and see for himself that the man was all right. Probably because Tyler knew Jaime wouldn’t be all right. He didn’t want to see Jaime hurt. There would be no hiding Tyler’s concern once he saw Jaime hiding behind his wall. But when Tyler searched the class for him, he wasn’t there.
When class was over, they bowed to Sensei Melissa, then the students started to leave. They looked as shaken as Tyler felt from the commotion earlier. He was talking with a few students when Sensei Melissa called Randy, Sarah, and him into her office.
“First, I want to thank you for your quick thinking,” Sensei Melissa addressed Randy and Tyler. “I wasn’t sure how vehemently Steve felt about Jaime. One day he’ll have to learn he cannot make himself better by tearing down others. Although I hate to lose students, the dojo does not need their hatred and narrow-mindedness polluting the other students.”
“Hai, Sensei.”
“What about Jaime?” Tyler asked. Jaime hadn’t shown up for class, and Tyler had a sinking feeling he wasn’t going to.
“Unfortunately, Jaime quit.” Sensei Melissa answered. “I assured him Steve would be dealt with, but he wouldn’t change his mind. I let him know he’s always welcome to return whenever he wants. Not everyone is ready to face their demons.”
“Hai, Sensei.”
There was nothing more to say. Jaime was gone. And Tyler had to accept it.
Chapter 16
The weeks ran into each other. Things at the dojo got back to normal for most of the students. They even had a few new students join to replace the ones they had lost. That was the way of things. People walked into the dojo, and people walked out. The only constant was change. Still, Tyler couldn’t help but feel an empty place Jaime used to fill. His absence wasn’t just noted at the dojo. Everywhere Tyler went reminded him of a memory from his time with Jaime. From the grocery store where they had accidentally bumped into each other to the Chummy’s parking lot where they had shared their first sexual encounter.
Jaime was everywhere and nowhere. While Jaime’s presence lingered, Tyler hadn’t seen the man since the night he’d let Jaime walk away. Tyler kept his longing to himself and kept busy by going out with Erica, Sarah, and Randy. Erica and Tyler had already had the friends talk. He had to be honest with her that he had just gotten out of a relationship and wasn’t ready to get into another one right now. Being with them was a welcome distraction to the memories that just wouldn’t go away and the feelings attached to them.
“I’m so glad to go out somewhere different,” Erica said as she and Sarah led them into the Irish pub on Main Street.
“Sounds good,” Sarah replied. “I’m getting tired of Chummy’s.”
“What’s wrong with Chummy’s?” Randy piped up from beside Tyler.
“Nothing, if you don’t mind beers and wings every night.” Sarah jabbed Randy in the ribs. “You would go there every night, wouldn’t you?”
“You know it,” Randy said proudly.
It was comfortable to sit back and go along with the flow. The four of them got along well and had fun together. Randy no longer gave Tyler those suspicious looks. Tyler never asked about them, and Randy never brought it up. Everything was back to normal except it didn’t change what Tyler had felt—what he still felt for Jaime. He was just learning to live with the hole in his life and heart.
Finn’s had recently opened up. In a small town, a new bar attracted the attention of all the locals. The place was packed, and they ended up at the bar since all the tables were full. Tyler was content to drink his beer while Sarah and Erica prattled away about law school.
“Have you heard from Jaime?” Randy asked.
The question caught Tyler by surprise.
“No, why would I?”
Randy motioned to the other end of the bar where Jaime was ordering a drink. Tyler choked on his beer and started to cough. If Randy hadn’t pointed him out, Tyler might have thought Jaime was a figment of his imagination. He looked exactly as Tyler remembered. The same sweet smile. The same stylish clothes. His hair was a little longer, but he was the quiet and confident Jaime that Tyler remembered. As relieved as Tyler was to see him smiling and flirting with the bartender, Tyler was surprised by how sad it felt to watch him from a distance. He could see what he had lost—thrown away, really. Tyler desperately wanted to talk to Jaime, just to be near him and hear his voice. What he wouldn’t give to see Jaime smile at him one more time.
“You going to say something to him?”
Tyler turned back to look at Randy. There was no way he meant for Tyler to say what was on his mind.
“You know, invite him back to the dojo?” Randy continued.
It was the perfect excuse to speak to Jaime, mostly because it was true.
“Yeah, I should do that.”
Tyler didn’t have to think twice about it.
“Where are you going?” Erica asked, but
Tyler was already out of his seat and walking away.
As he neared Jaime, he tried to focus on what he should say instead of what he wanted to say. There really wasn’t any reason Jaime couldn’t come back to class since Steve and the testosterone brothers were gone. Tyler was confident he could reason with Jaime because Tyler wasn’t about to let him get away again.
Jaime turned away from Tyler before Tyler could reach him. As he started to walk, he abruptly stopped in his tracks. Tyler followed Jaime’s gaze to see Steve stalking toward him. Without hesitation, Tyler moved through the crowd to get between them, but Jaime had already redirected his course toward the door. A confident grin spread over Steve’s face that Tyler’s fists itched to wipe out of existence. Instead, he followed Jaime out of the bar. As much pleasure as it would give Tyler to hit Steve, it would do nothing for Jaime if he wasn’t willing to stand up for himself.
“Jaime, wait up.” Tyler yelled as he spotted the man heading toward the parking lot.
For a moment, Jaime looked surprised to see him.
* * * *
Jaime’s night had gone from oh, shit to not this shit in a minute. His plan to avoid Steve brought him face to face with the second to last person he wanted to see. It had been weeks, but nothing could prepare Jaime for seeing Tyler again. Jaime had seen him a couple of times around town, but he had avoided any direct meeting.
“What do you want?” Jaime asked with a sigh.
“You can’t keep running from what scares you.” Tyler closed the distance between them. Jaime wasn’t sure if Tyler had seen Steve or he was talking about himself. “You let him chase you out of the dojo, out of the bar. When does it stop?”
Jaime’s expression hardened. Of course everyone in the dojo would know why Jaime quit, but it was a little late for Tyler to start playing Sempai again.
“You have no right to talk to me about facing fears,” Jaime said. “What I do and where I go is none of your business.”
Tyler grabbed Jaime’s arm and wouldn’t let go even when he tried to pull it free.
“Let go of me.”
“No.”
