by Jill Kemerer
Lexi crossed to where he sat, and she slid her arms around his shoulders, hugging him. “I’m so sorry you had to deal with all this.”
He edged out of her embrace and rose. He walked to the Christmas tree and touched one of the ornaments. “I should have fired him when I first suspected he was the one drinking.”
“Without evidence? That’s not our way, and it’s not yours, either.”
“Don’t you see?” He spun and rushed back to her side in two strides, clasping her upper arms. “He could have hurt you. I know what drinking does to people. Some only need the thinnest excuse to take whatever they want.”
“But he didn’t hurt me.” She wanted to soothe him. He was so close physically, but so far away emotionally. “You took care of it. You did the right thing.”
She reached on her tiptoes and pressed her lips to his cheek. How she wanted to take away the misplaced guilt he carried.
“If I’d followed through with my suspicions earlier, we could have avoided this. Now he might be facing jail time.”
“Hey.” She placed her hand on his chest. “You did nothing wrong. I’ll go into the station tomorrow and talk to the officers. From what you’ve told me, I think spending the night in jail will do Jake a world of good. I don’t have to press charges, and I probably won’t.”
“I think I scared him.”
“I’m sure you did. Now wait here. I’m getting you a muffin and telling you my news.” She padded back to the kitchen, then returned with the white-chocolate raspberry pastry. She handed it to him, but he set it on the coffee table.
“Lexi, I don’t know. Maybe you should consider pressing charges. What if he’s vindictive? He knows his way around here. He’s snuck in without us knowing on more than one occasion. I caught him trying to steal the petty cash. And when he’s drunk, he’s mean.”
“Okay.” She lifted her hands, palms out, to her chest. “The police have him, so we don’t need to worry about it anymore tonight.”
The vein in his forehead bulged, but he picked up the muffin. A good sign.
“I have some news.” She stayed on her feet, pacing away from him to collect her thoughts. Then she pivoted, feeling happy and light. “I’m selling my business in Denver, putting an offer in on the building downtown and moving back for good!”
* * *
The muffin dropped out of Clint’s hand and rolled under the coffee table. She was moving back.
Selling her business.
And starting over.
Here.
His chest filled with concrete, and it was hardening by the second.
“I realized I’ve met my goals in Denver. I built a good reputation, and I planned a lot of beautiful weddings, but I’d let my professional goals completely crowd out my life.” She moved over to him, took his hands in hers—her eyes gleaming with excitement—and beckoned him to his feet. He rose out of his chair. “I want a life, Clint. A life here. I realize how much I’ve been missing. Simple things, like riding around the ranch on horseback and spending time with friends. You. Amy. Feeling like I’m part of a community. You know?”
He looked into her trusting, hopeful brown eyes and knew what he had to say was going to fill those eyes with disgust. Tears. Hatred, even.
“But that’s not all,” she said. “I could do without the horseback rides and being part of a community, but I’ve come to care for you. Well, more than care, really. I trust you, and not in a you’re-a-great-manager way. I’ve been falling—”
“Lexi.”
“What?” She tilted her head, still staring at him like he was someone worth confiding in. Staring at him as if she loved him.
“Sit down.”
“Why?”
“Just sit.”
“You’re scaring me.” She sat on the couch.
“You have the wrong impression of me, and it’s my fault you have it. The way you’re looking at me is the way every guy dreams a girl will look at him, but I don’t deserve it.”
“What are you getting at?”
“Let me finish.” He swallowed, still standing, trying to figure out how to start. “You remember how I told you I lost my land?”
She nodded.
“I didn’t tell you all of it. I left out the most important part.”
She clasped her hands, wringing her fingers, consternation dipping her eyebrows.
“All those years at LFR, I saved every penny I made. My dream was to own my own cattle ranch. I didn’t care how small. I wanted land that was mine, land no one could take away from me. Five years ago, a property came on the market. It had three run-down outbuildings, a fenced-in pasture and a house so beat-up it could have been demolished and it would have looked better. The house didn’t matter to me. But the property came with cattle.”
He could still feel the rush of excitement when he’d found out about the ranch. If he could go back in time and tell his younger self to think it through...
Shaking his head, he continued. “The owner had died, and the son wanted no part of ranching. I didn’t have enough money for the down payment. The bank needed twice as much as I had. So, defeated, I went to the local bar and grill, thinking there was no way I’d be able to buy it.”
Why hadn’t he trusted God with the timing? Why had he been in such a rush? He could have worked five more years and raised the money. But he hadn’t. His chin dropped to his chest. He dreaded telling her the rest.
“I met a man named Devon Fields. By the end of the night, he was my business partner. We worked it out that he’d buy the property. Then he’d sell it to me on a land contract. He said my down payment was enough for him, and I would be paying him back plus interest in monthly installments instead of the bank. I figured it was more than fair. In the light of morning, I had my doubts, but I ignored them. And everything went smoothly, the way Devon said it would.”
Lexi leaned forward, chewing on her fingernail. He girded his shoulders, ready for her reaction to what he had to say next.
“Imagine my surprise six months later when the property was foreclosed on. Devon had purchased the property with a mortgage, and instead of using my money and his own for the down payment, he’d obtained an illegal silent second mortgage. The land contract had been built on a lie. He took all my cash and ran. Made two mortgage payments. Two. Then he just disappeared, leaving me with nothing and the bank with the property.”
His chest burned at the memory of that time. The disbelief, the helplessness. He’d hired a lawyer and found out Devon Fields wasn’t even the guy’s real name. There had been nothing he could do to get his land or money back.
“Oh, Clint. I’m so sorry. That’s horrible.” She stood, her eyes stricken.
“It was my own fault. Who in the world would ever agree to something as stupid as that? My greed blinded me. I should have told you the day you hired me. I’ve been so ashamed over losing the land. I thought I would be fine managing your ranch, letting you make the big decisions, but I’m not. I got a lousy price for your calves. I lost the heifer when I should have been here, and now I’ve let a drunken thief do whatever he wants on your property.”
He threw his hands to his forehead and ran them over his hair. He had to let her go, and to do that, he had to leave. “I can’t do this anymore. Consider this my two weeks’ notice.”
* * *
“You’re quitting?” Lexi could barely take it in. “I don’t understand.”
“I’m done. Two weeks should give you enough time to find a new manager. I’ll pack up and be ready to leave the way I should have left right when you hired me.”
All the compassion she’d been holding in dissolved at his clipped words.
“Why? Some jerk cons you out of your dream, and you’re suddenly not capable of ranching? That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.�
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“Well, guess what? You’re right on the mark. I’m the stupidest guy you’ve ever met.”
“I didn’t call you stupid.” But she sure was thinking it right now. What would make him think he had to quit?
“You might as well have. I certainly call myself that and more on a daily basis.”
“You shouldn’t. You’re not stupid. You were tricked. And you’ve been the best manager I could have ever hoped for here.”
“No, I haven’t.” He looked at the ceiling. “I couldn’t get the extra feed we wanted, couldn’t get you better prices, couldn’t stop Jake from drinking here constantly, and I couldn’t even admit to you who I really am. I’m not the man for this job.”
“No one could have gotten better prices or extra feed or stopped a cow from dying.”
“Look, you’ve built me into a guy I’m not. If I don’t quit, I’ll let you down.”
“What do you think you’re doing now?”
“Not like this... It will be worse. I can’t explain it—it’s just how it is.”
“You can’t explain it?” Her voice rose. “It’s how it is, huh? I deserve an explanation. We connected. You felt it, too. I know you feel it.”
“You’re lonely.” He didn’t meet her eyes.
“So are you.”
“I’ve been lonely my entire life. I can live with it.”
She wasn’t getting through to him. It was as if a rock wall had formed behind his eyes. What was he so afraid of?
Me. He’s afraid of a relationship with me.
She had to talk some sense into him.
“I don’t want you to leave. I don’t want you to be lonely, Clint. You’re scared. I am, too. What I just told you about moving back and starting fresh? Having me here all the time probably terrifies you. But I’ve been honest with you from day one, Clint Romine. I want this... Wyoming...and you.”
“And I’ve lied to you from day one.”
“You haven’t lied to me.” She wanted to growl in frustration. “You’re lying to yourself.”
“About what?” He let out a fake laugh.
“About me. About what’s between us.”
“There can’t be anything between us. I’m your manager—your former manager—just a worthless brat, an orphan, a nobody who never belonged to anyone. You think I could really belong here with you? You’re ranch royalty. I’m nothing.”
“I can’t even respond to that. Does how I feel matter at all to you? I’m an orphan, too. And I’m no royalty. I’m a woman who was so busy chasing her professional dreams, I forgot what was important to me.”
“You need someone better.”
“The fact you just said that makes me wonder if I made a big mistake.”
“Oh, honey, you made a mistake.”
“Don’t call me honey.” If she told him she loved him, he’d toss it back in her face. She couldn’t get through to him, and she was done trying. “Why don’t you go? Go cut yourself off from everyone. It’s easier, isn’t it? Then you don’t have to take a chance and get your heart broken again.”
“I told you I don’t have a heart.”
“You’re right. Because all these weeks when I’ve been opening up to you and telling you personal things, the secrets I didn’t want anyone knowing? I was trusting you. And you didn’t trust me back.”
“I trust you.”
“No, you don’t.” She gaped at him. “If you trusted me, you would have opened up to me. You would have told me the scary things inside you, the ones you don’t want anyone to know. You kept the truest part of yourself from me. And now that you finally tell me your secrets, you’re leaving. Running away. Unacceptable.”
“I know. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.”
“I understand protecting yourself. I do. But I’m being real tonight, whether you’re willing to join me or not. I know why Daddy didn’t tell me he had cancer. He figured I’d blow him off for my job. I only have myself to blame.” She spun away from him, hating the tears pressing against her eyes. “When you’re sitting by yourself each night, you’re going to realize you only have yourself to blame, too.”
His hands touched her shoulders, but she flinched.
“Your dad knew you loved him,” Clint said gently. “He probably didn’t want to burden you. He might have thought he had all the time in the world. That was all. He wasn’t punishing you.”
“Just leave,” she whispered.
The sound of his footsteps grew faint. The click of the front door shutting unleashed her tears. She dropped to her knees and covered her face with her hands.
When would she learn? Every time she got something she really wanted, something she loved was ripped away from her.
Her punishment for wanting it all.
Chapter Thirteen
Clint slammed the front door to his cabin as hard as he could and tossed a bag with a change of clothes into his truck. His lungs burned, were closing in on him, but he peeled out of the drive and sped away from the ranch without a second glance. She wanted him to leave? No problem. He’d leave.
He couldn’t spend another second on Rock Step Ranch.
The past half hour flogged him. He’d known she’d been on the brink of telling him she loved him, and he’d snapped. Had laid his own sorry past out for her to see. Had done the honorable thing by putting in his notice. Tomorrow she’d wake up and realize what a mistake it had been to develop feelings for someone who had been so dumb. She’d probably be embarrassed she’d gotten involved with him. He’d avoid her as much as possible the next two weeks.
He thumped his fist on the steering wheel. Thirty years of anger and self-loathing churned inside him. Why couldn’t he have been raised in a stable home? Had a parent or two who actually cared about his needs? In all the foster homes he’d lived in, he’d never—not once—been so much as considered for adoption.
And no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t convince himself he was anything more than the kid who’d been yelled at and neglected by his grandfather, torn from Miss Joanne and her warm home, shifted from one overworked foster family to another until landing at Yearling.
Rock Step Ranch felt like home, but he’d known from day one it wasn’t his. Could never be his.
What is wrong with me? Why am I fundamentally different from everyone else?
He let out a cynical laugh. He’d fallen in love with Lexi, and he didn’t even know what love looked like. It was more than discussing the ranch and decorating Christmas trees. It was more than a kiss under the mistletoe.
It was bringing a woman flowers and taking her out for dinner. Listening to her talk about her day, driving her to church, helping her with whatever she needed.
He stared through the windshield at the stars dotting the sky as the truck created distance from the ranch. Love was more than all that, too. Lexi had it right back there. She wanted his secrets. She wanted the deepest part of him, but she wouldn’t be able to handle it. He’d bricked the vital parts up and mortared them shut long ago.
Maybe he couldn’t handle the deepest parts of himself, either.
The miles sped by as memory after memory of his childhood came back. Running from his grandfather, not being fast enough to avoid the slap of his leather belt across his back and legs. Making cookies with Miss Joanne, sitting on her lap, waiting for her to kiss his hair. Hiding in his bedroom to avoid taking a beating from the kid at the final foster home and taking the beating anyhow. Mucking stalls at Yearling, thankful for a bed and food.
More memories came back. More recent ones. Checking into a dive motel the day he’d been kicked off his property. Curling up on the lumpy bed and crying for hours. A grown man, crying. He should be ashamed of that memory, but he wasn’t. Maybe he’d been crying for more than the land. Maybe he’d cri
ed for his entire youth.
Man, he had to stop thinking. Had to cut his losses and move forward. He’d done it so many times, he should be the expert. He switched the radio on, but Christmas songs depressed him. He turned it back off.
The lonely country road enveloped his truck. If only his mind would stay as empty as the blacktop ahead. He couldn’t face thoughts of Lexi. Not yet.
A sign appeared stating the next town. He was a few miles from the property he’d lost. How had he ended up here? Funny, he’d thought he’d never want to see it again, but more than anything right now, he did.
After turning down the gravel road where the ranch stood, he drove slowly until he reached the land that had once been his. He drove beyond the pasture and passed the house. Even in the darkness, it looked the same. An old truck was parked in front of it. He reached the edge of the property, pulled over to the side of the road and climbed out, shivering in the cold.
What am I doing? It’s the middle of the night, and I can’t get this place back.
He trudged through the snow to the fence, and his eyes adjusted to the night sky. An owl hooted somewhere nearby, and the sound comforted him, reminded him of the many nights he’d spent checking cattle over the years.
His heart lurched. He should have been living here, checking his own cattle, building a life he could be proud of. He curled his gloved hands around the top fence wire, staring into the night.
I was such a fool, trusting that jerk. I should have gotten a lawyer before I signed a thing.
Jerry’s tale of owning and losing the sheep ranch came to mind. Clint didn’t think less of him for losing his sheep operation. He understood. And Jerry had come out of it okay. He’d found a place at Rock Step. Started over with his wife by his side.
From far away he heard the low of a cow. He already missed Rock Step Ranch. Every day since he’d been hired there had been soul filling. He’d been content. Doing what made his soul sing.
