by Murphy, V
“Smile!” I heard the photographer bellow. I almost forgot the fucker was still there. I looked over and propped Evelyn up on my shoulders, and gave Kylee a small peck on her forehead. A moment we could share with Evelyn when she’s older, so she could see her parents together and happy. She didn’t have to see her parents as bickering assholes like I saw mine. I barely touched my lips to Kylee’s forehead when I heard the click of the camera go off. I turned to face the photographer, and that’s the moment I saw her standing there.
It was like the world stopped spinning on its axis, and time stood still. The music in the background faded as I saw her face fall. Harper saw Kylee and me share a small intimate family moment, and I had a damn good idea what she was thinkin’. I knew I had completely fucked up and she was seconds away from bounding out of this place. She misconstrued the whole fuckin’ thing.
I’m sure she was racking her brain tryin’ to figure out what’s goin’ on, but it wasn’t what she thought.
Shit.
Just, fuckin’ shit, right now.
“Harper!” I hollered out, hoping she would hear me through the crowd. Quickly, I turned around and handed Evie back to Kylee, who nodded in the direction of Harper. Almost as if she recognized the shit that was about to go down.
Everything was moving in fuckin’ slow motion as I pulled away from Kylee and raced towards Harper. Her face dropped, and she was white as a ghost.
“No,” she cried as I reached her. She took her shoes off and started runnin’ towards the exit, pushin’ her way through the crowded dance floor.
“HARPER!” I yelled, as her head turned around and saw me racin’ after her.
I finally caught up to her as she stood on the corner outside, frantically trying to hail a cab.
“Don’t even talk to me, Ryder. I have nothing to say to you,” she cried, mascara runnin’ down her face, and those once-rosy cheeks of hers streaked black.
“Please, Harper, let me explain.”
She turned on her heel and looked back at me.
“You are just standing there and watching my heart break a little bit more every second something else comes out of your mouth.” I stood there stunned as she hopped in the cab and sped off.
Immediately, I ran to the car Kayden loaned me and followed her.
Chapter 10
Harper
I couldn’t believe what I saw could possibly be true. My heart was jumping inside of my chest, and my breath was rushing out of me hard. It felt like I couldn’t pick up my feet, but somehow, I flew across the lawn. Inside my head I felt numb and like I was running through quicksand. I needed to feel something. I needed to breathe.
I jumped in the first cab as Ryder screamed from behind me. I couldn’t understand what he was saying, it felt like words were speeding past me. All I could picture was the sweet, sentimental moment that I just witnessed between Ryder and his family.
His family.
Something I could never be for him, because he already had one. I knew he came here to be with…her. I couldn’t even think her name; it seemed all too unreal.
To some outside person, it looked like a beautiful picture. A photograph of a husband and wife together, with their wonderfully perfect little daughter. To me? It looked as though Ryder was with someone else. It looked as if Ryder came all the way to Houston to deal with his parents, and in turn, found his own perfect, cookie-cutter family. He’d found comfort in the arms of his ex-wife. Just as quickly as he came into my life, he was gone.
He had to go, but I knew he wouldn’t. It was up to me to leave. I told the cab driver which hotel I was staying at and gave him an extra twenty, just so he would speed away so Ryder couldn’t chase me. I needed him gone quickly. It was like ripping a band-aid off. I knew it needed to be done, but I was so scared of leaving him. Running away was in my blood, but was I really ready to run away from Ryder? I knew he would try so hard to fight for me, but did I want someone who fit so perfectly with someone else?
My logic seemed askew, but sometimes life sends you mixed messages, and it’s your job to muddle through them and find an answer.
But I didn’t know what to do or who to be. I was scared, frightened that something was just so…different. Ryder was different. I didn’t think he would be the type of guy to go after her. I thought he was over her, but I knew when he thought about moving back to Texas with Kylee and Evelyn, that everything we had would just go down the drain.
The cold realization started to sink in. Ryder came down here, and something between him and Kylee rekindled their love for each other. I was going to mean nothing to him, and honestly, he needed his family. I couldn’t be that other woman that took him away from all of that. I needed to support him; right now, by supporting him, I had to go. I had to leave him before he sank into this miserable routine, and we ultimately ruined our relationship.
Finally, the cab arrived at the hotel, and I jumped out with tears staining the side of my cheeks. The cab driver was looking at me like I was bat-shit crazy. Hell, I probably was insane, but I needed to go upstairs and call Rita.
Yes, I needed to call Rita. She would have some sort of all-knowing answer, and I wanted to apologize for not coming into work. I paid the driver and rushed inside. I didn’t look up, but felt the stares of the front desk staff as I threw myself into the elevator, sobbing uncontrollably.
I pushed the keycard into the room and ran to the bed, flinging myself down on it. My chest was heaving as I curled up against the plush comforter and started bawling. My arms were shaking as I grabbed my cellphone and dialed Rita’s number. My hands were heavy as I put the phone to my ear and prayed she picked up. I needed some logic in my life. Everything was so messed up and out of place. I needed someone to tell me not to run, because right now, that’s all I wanted to do.
“Hello?” Rita answered in a bored voice.
“Rita?” I sobbed through the phone, my voice laced with pain.
“What’s wrong girl?” Her voice perked.
“I don’t know what to do. I am so sorry for calling late, but I don’t know what to do. I really messed up, Rita,” I cried over and over again.
“Girl, don’t be apologizing for callin’ me. I meant it when I said you can call me anytime. Now tell me what it is that’s a botherin’ ya?” Rita drawled. “It’s Ryder…I just…I can’t…” I cried desperately, pressing the phone tightly to my ear.
“What did that boy do?” She asked in a calm and patient voice, waiting for my sobs to slightly subside before she spoke.
“I just came down here for the wedding last minute because I had a nightmare. I just…” The tears rolled down my face like floodgates had been opened.
“Go on, Harper. Tell me what happened to you?” Rita encouraged.
“I just came here to surprise him. I saw him here, kissing his ex-wife with his daughter. I just…I don’t know how to take the whole situation,” I sobbed.
“Now, what kind of kiss are we talking about, Harper Mae?” Rita asked, her voice was still solid and not worried.
“I mean, it was just on the forehead, but…I just—they were taking a picture together as a family and…” I stopped because Rita quickly interrupted me.
“Girl, are you crazy? Ain’t nothing to be worried about. You know, he was probably doing it for his daughter. Trying to get some sort of family picture for her.”
“But he came out here for Kylee, his ex. He came out here without me, and initially never invited me out. I know he wants a photo with Evelyn, but damn, did it have to be so intimate? Did he have to kiss Kylee? Was that a necessary thing to do?” I balled into fetal position. I felt naked, vulnerable almost, but the overwhelming feeling to run was taking over my entire body.
“I just want to get off the phone now,” I whispered, after sobbing until my throat was sore.
“Now, you listen here. Harper Mae, are ya payin’ attention to me right now?” Rita directed. It felt as if she was sitting next to me by the stern nature of her tone.
“Yes,” I said.
“Okay, then suck it up and listen up right now. This ain’t nothin’ to be ashamed of, being upset when you see someone you love in an intimate moment with their ex. Hell, if I saw something like that, I would probably be balling my eyes out too,” she said, pausing for effect. “There is something you need to know, though. I keep tellin’ you this over and over again, but you aren’t seeming to understand me.”
“You keep runnin’ away whenever you have a problem surface. You keep escapin’ until you feel numb to the pain. That numbness you’re feeling, it ain’t really numbness. It’s a disguise for the true feelings. You run because you’re scared shitless of facing your problems. Ryder is the one safe thing you got, girl. Go and listen to him at least. Look him in the eyes and see where it takes you from there. Tell him what you are feelin’. Tell him how seein’ him with Kylee in that moment irritated you. Tell him you understand that his intentions were good, but that his timin’ sucked.”
“I don’t think I can, Rita. I don’t think I can do this anymore. I feel so…deflated and empty. In fact, I don’t feel much of anything right now,” I confessed, my voice barely above a whisper.
“It’s just this moment, Harper. I’m mad you ran off to Texas without showing up to work, but I guess I’ll forgive you,” she laughed, letting me know she was joking and not serious at all.
“I am so sorry, Rita. I didn’t mean to. I just thought coming out here and surprising him would patch things up. Things were rocky before this started.”
“What happened?” Rita questioned curiously.
“He was just talking about moving back to Houston…permanently. Something about Kylee wanting to move out here—and of course he needs to be near his daughter. It was just really stressful.”
“What stressed you out? You know that boy is crazy about you and would do absolutely anything for you.”
“I don’t know about that, Rita. I don’t think he would. I think he finally realized how over this really is. How I am sort of done fighting for him. There is only so much I can handle; and dealing with his ex vying for him is not something I can handle.”
“You can handle anything that is put in your way. I know that for a fact. Now, it’s just whether or not you are able to accept that. And that, will determine how you approach this situation.”
“I don’t know, Rita. I think it’s just…over. I think I am just done with the whole thing. I can’t be with a man who I am constantly going to wonder whether he is thinking about me, or his ex-wife. I can’t imagine a healthy relationship being like that. I have to protect my heart.”
“Darlin’, your heart is already far away from your chest. It’s been gone with Ryder for a long time now. You have an old soul, Harper. You shouldn’t be givin’ up. Either way, girl, you ain’t gonna be doing much listenin’ to me. Sounds like you’ve already made up your mind. But, this is somethin’ you’ll have to learn on your own.”
“I know,” I sighed, but surprisingly, the tears started to lessen, and I felt more at peace with my decision. I knew Rita was right, but I had to do what was best for me. I needed to leave before Ryder could hurt me anymore than he already had.
“Thank you for talking to me, Rita. I really needed to hear from you. I am sorry I didn’t call you earlier about not being able to show up for work.”
“It’s okay, Harper. Don’t you worry about it. You’ll have to just stop by before you get busy with school. And girl, make sure you listen to him. I ain’t saying nothin’ else, but just listen to him,” Rita said before saying our goodbyes and clicking off the phone.
She had a point, I think I just needed to hear him out, but I wasn’t sure how to, or what I was even supposed to say to him. Honestly, looking at him right now would make me feel like my world was going to crumble again. All I could think about was that seemingly-innocent kiss with Kylee, and the fact I had the worst timing in the world. How did I manage to walk into the reception at that exact same moment? I would have done anything to go back in time and walked in a few moments later. I didn’t want to see him kissing her, but what has been seen cannot be unseen.
It was just so much easier to run than it was to face the problems of reality. Quite honestly, there was a comfort in the idea of running away. Hell, it was what I was good at; running away when shit just started to bounce off the walls was kind of my thing. When I was overwhelmed or stressed, I just ran. I ran away from Tye and his abuse because I didn’t know how else to deal with it.
In fact, now that I think about it, Ryder and I are very much alike. He was running away from his past and his family. He hadn’t been back to Houston until now, and he was only here because his buddy was getting married. He was constantly in a state of never facing his problems. He was….very much like me.
Shit.
I just couldn’t. Two people who are so much alike, who have an incredible amount of baggage, cannot possibly reach their happily ever after, can they? I mean, it seems completely illogical. The kind of love you read in books, see in movies, see in those cute older couples who still hold hands—my pessimistic side said that kind of love doesn’t exist anymore.
Therefore, there was no point in being with a man who was trying to be with you. Ryder was trying not to think about Kylee. He was consciously making an effort to be with me and not think about her, and honestly, I wasn’t one to step on anyone’s toes. If he wanted his family whole and complete, who was I to sit here and stop it from happening? It just wasn’t right for me to be in the way. I didn’t want to be the other woman. I wanted to be his woman, but if that wasn’t possible, I would rather see him happy with her, than to be happy myself.
When I started to finally calm down and make peace with the decision, I knew what I ultimately had to do. I slowly peeled off my dress, and stuck my embarrassing flannel pajamas on. I slid under the covers, and clutched the plush hotel pillow tightly against my chest.
This was the best decision I could make…
I thought.
***
The rush of emotions were leaking into my system; and my breathing was hard, but it slowed as I pressed my eyes tightly shut. My arms began to shake violently against my sides; and even though I worked to control my breathing, it felt like my heart was leaping out of my chest.
The wet stink of my sweat started pouring from my forehead, and as I went to try and wipe it, my arms felt forced down by my sides. I needed to wake up, but my brain wasn’t having any of that. I tried shutting my eyes and opening them again, but nothing was happening. I was trying desperately to claw my way out of the sheets, but I couldn’t. I was forced down, deep into the sinking bed.
“Help me,” I tried peeping out, but I found myself in a dark place.
Everything around me was black; even the walls were covered with black. It was a small room, no bigger than a bathroom, but it was completely empty. There was nothing in there except me. Everything was closing in around me, and the walls felt as if they were moving closer and closer.
Suddenly, a loud noise rattled me from my fear and I tried to find out where it was coming from, but there was no one in the room. I was lost in the abyss of my own soul. I tried pawing at the walls, but nothing was coming from it.
How did I become so trapped? Shit. I needed to get out of here, so I tried to close my eyes and opened them again, but still, nothing happened. I was still sitting there in the dark room, so I curled up in one of the corners, hoping this nightmare would end soon.
As the loud noise came again, I was rattled from my shaking desperation. Suddenly, as if someone was writing on a chalkboard, words appeared in white on the pitch black walls.
“SLUT.”
“RUNNER.”
“ALONE.”
“ALWAYS THE MISTRESS.”
These words appeared sporadically on the dark wall, and immediately, I began freaking out. Where was this all coming from?! Who was saying these things?
“Who are you? What is this?” I cried, hop
ing that someone would answer.
Instead, I heard a dark, low rumble of laughter that seemed as though it was coming from the wall. The words stopped, and again, I was consumed by the silence of my past. What was going on? I was confused and dizzy. My mind was spinning in a hundred different directions.
Who was trying to tell me this? Was I dreaming? Where was I? Why wouldn’t anyone answer my damn questions? I was desperate for knowledge. Shit, even Tye appearing in this place would provide me some sort of comfort.
I sat in the corner for a few moments with my hands over my ears for fear the penetrating voice would come back and haunt me. When it didn’t, I got up to explore the small, closet-sized room.
It was full of nothingness. It was dark, dreary, and bleak. The walls were painted black, and the floor felt like cold tile underneath my feet. It was a room full of painful reminders of the past. The booming voice was nothing but a trace of who I used to be.
“Are you comfortable yet?” The voice echoed again, and I patted the walls to figure out where it was coming from. I didn’t see a speaker, or even a small hole in the wall that could have a hidden a microphone in it.
“What do you want?” I cried, hoping that the owner of the mysterious voice would answer, and I could finally escape the numb feeling that was permeating through my body.
“Please,” I begged, “tell me what you want, so I can get out of here.”
It was quiet for a moment, and again, I was left to ruminate in the thoughts in my head. Breathe, Harper. Just take a big deep breath and breathe.
