by Murphy, V
Damnit. Home wouldn’t even feel like home anymore. Without Harper there, sitting in the front room and runnin’ up to greet me…there was nothing there for me. There wasn’t anything for me anywhere.
The only way I could describe this feeling right now is how I felt when my knee was crushed under the tackle in my last professional football game. It was crushing, like every piece of bone in my body was cracking so slowly that I could hear it peel apart down to its core. That same feeling is what my heart was currently doing to itself. Everything in my body was numb except for the ache in my heart.
I was goin’ through the motions, but nothing was really working for me. I hailed the cab, told him directions, and we drove off—drove off from what I thought was going to be the last memory I would ever have of Harper Mae.
I’ll never forget her sweet little body wrapped around mine while she stared at me with her big, beautiful brown eyes that were pooling with soft tears. While her plump lips were pursed in a gentle O as she slowly slid down onto me. Damn. I felt myself gettin’ a hard-on just thinking about her.
Suddenly, though, reality fucking crashed down hard on me when I realized it was never gonna happen again. I would probably never see her again. I started choking up in the cab, but couldn’t look like a fuckin’ little bitch in front of the driver, so I pretended like I was coughin’ up a loogie or some bullshit.
The entire rest of the ride, I just stared outside, watching Texas pass by my window as we got closer to Sugarland. Once we pulled into Kayden’s driveway, I tipped the driver, passed the security check and walked into the house. As I suspected, Knox was nowhere to be found, but surprisingly, neither was Kylee or Evelyn. I walked to my room, just about to give Kylee a call to make sure Evie was okay, when I saw a note scribbled on my bed. Once I picked up that note, I realized another one sat by it’s side. The first one was from Knox.
Bro,
I don’t know what happened to you at the reception. Heard some blubbering story from Kylee and Savannah about how Harper caught y’all makin’ out or something. Dude, I heard how you were talkin’ about Harper, so don’t go fuckin’ that up. I’m fuckin’ serious. I had to leave early this morning to catch my flight for the horneymoon with my new wife. I’ll give you a call back when I get back into the US of A. Maybe, come visit your pad in San Diego.
Go get the girl. Don’t let her go.
-KK
If it wasn’t gay as hell, I probably would hug Knox and tell him I loved the shit outta him. I could seriously count on him for anything, and I appreciated the hell out of that. He had to need to come down to San Diego to visit when he gets back. I grabbed the other note, which was clearly written by a woman, someone whose handwriting I would always recognize. Kylee.
Ryder,
I know this is going to be hard for you to read, and right now I am the last person you are ever going to want to see, but we need to talk when we get back to San Diego. I know the thought of me sabotaging your relationship has crossed your mind, and before it gets any closer to your thoughts, make it stop, because I swear to you, I never would deliberately do anything like that ever. I am happy in my own blossoming relationship and would never do anything to intentionally harm yours. I promise you that I did, at one point, want more from you, but right now? I want to be a mutual parent with you, and nothing more.
I will love you every day because of the past we have, but I am no longer in love with you. I see the way you speak about Harpe,r and you never talked about me like that. I saw the way you defended yourself to your parents, and that is something you never would have done when we were together. We were just two young kids in love. We were too damn young for our own good, but hey, we got a beautiful little girl from it all.
I know this isn’t making any sense right now, but basically, what I am trying to say in this convoluted mess, is to go get the girl. You deserve happiness. No, we both deserve happiness, and I see how happy Harper makes you. I know that by her seeing that kiss, it really upset her, and so I am going to make it a point of mine to go explain to her what happened. I think it will help to see her face to face. You cannot talk me out of this one. I am doing this for you; remember that before you start screaming.
I am taking Evelyn back to San Diego with me. You can come pick her up, not this weekend, but the next. I will text you with more details.
-Kylee
Damnit. I was fumin’. My hands were shaking as I ripped the letter in two. I didn’t want Kylee fuckin’ this up anymore than she already was with the stupid fuckin’ picture I wanted. FUCK. Pissed wasn’t even close to describing how I felt. I started grabbin’ my shit and throwing it in the suitcase, when suddenly I realized something, like a light bulb clickin’ on in my brain.
What could Kylee possibly fuck up even more? Harper wasn’t mine. She made that very clear last night and when she left early this morning. She ran away from me, and there was nothing I could do to convince her otherwise. It was over, so why not have Kylee go over and talk to her?
Worst-case scenario is that Harper gets pissed, or doesn’t even show up to their meeting. Best-case scenario, it plants a little seed in Harper’s brain that maybe she was wrong about this. Because she is wrong about this. All of this. There is nowhere else I would rather be than cuddled up with her in our bed, listening to the waves lap on the shore as the sun sets through the window.
That’s so lame of me to say, but love had made me a pussy and I don’t give a fuck about that. I don’t care what others see me as. I don’t care if this is supposedly weak and immature of me. I don’t care if this makes me less of a man. Because, damnit, I love my woman, and I would do anything to keep her close to me in my life. There will be nothing and no one in the world that would stop me from loving her and holding her tight in my hands.
Fuck it. If it works, I’ll let Kylee go and talk to Harper. I ain’t fightin’ with her about it. I just wanted to get home and fix all this. I wanted to show Harper that I could be the man for her. If it’s space she wanted, I would give it to her; but I hope she doesn’t think that I am just going to simply move on from her, because that ain’t ever gonna happen. Harper Mae is mine, and always will be. I love her with every damn bone in my body.
I needed to get to the airport. I grabbed one of Knox’s drivers and told him I was runnin’ late. He said that Knox left him here to give me a ride anyways, and he would gladly take me to the airport.
Thank God.
It was time to get home.
Once I got to the airport, though, it felt like it was taking for-fuckin’-ever to get on the damn plane. Between lugging the bags to the security station, then to the next, then waiting for the plane, I was getting antsy. It was my turn to prove to Harper what she meant to me, and I was going to find some way to do that for her. I was going to find the path back to her, because I didn’t know what I would do without her.
I boarded the plane and realized that even though it might take just going through the motions of everyday life, I was going to find my way back to her if it killed me.
I was going back home to find the love of my life.
Chapter 12
Harper
It was like I was just going through the motions of everyday life on auto-pilot. There was no living for me. The days all started to mesh together, and everything seemed like a blur once I got into a rhythm and routine of living without Ryder. I was going straight from school to my apartment. I couldn’t even call it home anymore because that’s not what it felt like. Home still felt like it was with Ryder…
I thought about him…almost every day. Even if I tried not to think about him, he would always permeate the depths of my brain. He was always with me, stuck in my head. I couldn’t shake myself of him, even if I wanted to. So, the best type of coping skill I knew how to do was to become numb. I became frozen from all thoughts, and just continued to go through life like others expected of me.
It was like someone was pressing fast forward and I just kept moving. Sec
onds turned into minutes, which turned into days, and weeks started to pass, and I didn’t even know what I was doing. I would go to school during the day, and come home at night to finish some homework. After my work was complete, I would watch some mind-numbing television show about women bickering about their stupid lives, and then go to bed. Rest and Repeat.
This was my life since I got back from Texas. I hadn’t spoken to Ryder at all in the last couple weeks either. He tried calling a couple times right when we both got back, but I didn’t have it in me to pick up, and he hadn’t called since then. I would be lying if I said I was glad he stopped trying. Although the lack of trying just showed me that he doesn’t really care. Shit, he probably had already moved on to some second-hand bitch anyways. Hey, whatever floats his boat.
It’s just that…I missed him. I really freaking missed him. I didn’t expect any of this to happen, and I kept replaying the scene with Kylee in my head. All I wanted to do was get that out of my head, but it keeps scrolling through my memories like a Rolodex.
It’s almost as if I was living some sort of nightmare that kept repeating itself. I couldn’t go left, couldn’t dodge right—instead, I was sitting here stuck in the mud, trying to trudge out of this painful past that I lived in.
Skye had tried to get my attention at school, and even tried to get me talking about the wedding, but I just put on a fake smile and usually something like “wow” or “that’s great Skye,” came out of my mouth. I just didn’t have the strength to say anything else to her, or anyone in general. I had started feeling kind of bad because I knew it’s wasn’t her fault, but I just didn’t feel like doing anything.
When my show was over at night, I undo my bed and curl up in my plush sheets. Usually, I would grab one of my pillows, and that’s when the tears just pour out of my eyes. It’s like I knew this is my biggest mistake, but I couldn’t stop myself from continuing down this path. It felt most nights like the air was being sucked right out of my lungs, and I couldn’t breathe.
Some nights, I was uncontrollable. I shook as if I was seizing, and my body couldn’t control itself. It let go and it took me a while to compose myself. I looked it up on the internet and it said I was experiencing panic attacks. I thought the mental illnesses ended with Tye and the depression I had then, but clearly I was wrong.
I guess I was wrong about my mental health in general. You can’t just “get over” something like others kept telling me. When I was with Tye, everyone kept telling me that it was okay, and that I would eventually get over him—but they were wrong. Society was wrong. When you’ve had a broken your heart, once you have it under control it doesn’t mean everything is “fixed.” No, in fact, quite the opposite.
I think it’s part of the reason why I had to leave Ryder. I thought that by falling in love with Ryder, he would be able to patch up the problems of my past…but I was wrong. No one else can fix you; you have to fix yourself. It’s a lesson I guess I had to learn the hard way. I didn’t want to have to rely on Ryder for happiness anyways.
I just thought that maybe Ryder would be by my side as I ventured down the road of self-healing and finding myself, but once he broke that trust, there was no coming back from that. Trust was quintessential in any relationship, and I just felt so burned from him.
In the same sense, I felt conflicted. I wanted him to be here next to me. I wanted to sit and hold his hand and let him kiss me on the forehead goodnight. I wanted to touch him at night.
There were nights when I dreamed of his fingers slowly caressing me. I imagined his fingers skimming the outside of me, making his way inside, but teasing me first. I imagined Ryder there, speaking sweet nothings in my ear, causing me to reach the point where I could get wet all on my own by just imagining the things he whispered.
Oh God, how I craved him pressing his talented wet lips against my sex. His mouth’s wetness colliding with my own, as his touch became fierce and aggressive. His fingers slipped inside of me, as I moaned out loud. It was almost as if I could feel him slamming his fingers against the walls inside of me.
I slowly mustered up the courage and slipped my fingers into myself, moaning as I pictured Ryder’s blue eyes staring into mine as he pushed himself inside of me, making me wince at the size of him. I pictured his seductive smile slowly forming when he watched himself pleasure me, thrusting deeper inside of me. I pushed my fingers deeper into myself as I moaned, imagining Ryder slipping his tongue across my breasts, then lightly biting my nipples.
Instantly, I felt a rush of cold come over me as I flick quickly against my clit. I use my free hand to lightly touch my naked breasts, and closed my eyes again, picturing Ryder’s rock-hard cock slamming into me, forcing me to scream. God damnit…yes!
I imagined him picking me up and throwing me onto the counter in the bathroom, where I propped my legs up and he inserted himself inside of me. He grabbed onto my legs as he pushed roughly into my deepest parts. I imagined him pulling out and bending down to put his wet, warm tongue against me. I groaned as he tasted me from the inside out.
As I pictured him licking me up, I pushed my fingers in farther and squeal as I hit my G-spot. I could feel it there, so I flicked my fingers in a circular motion that sent vibrations all the way up to my belly. The contractions were forceful, and the need to feel more was immanent in my body. The ministrations of my hungry fingers against the walls of my pussy sent me into a fury of excitement. I was quivering, turned on, and raw from the need for release.
I could feel the pressure building inside of me, and suddenly, all I wanted to do was be able to orgasm all over the sheets. So, I closed my eyes, and once again, was greeted by the baby blue pools of Ryder’s eyes, and the large, fierce, and hard cock waiting for my wet pussy.
“I have waited for so long, baby,” he groaned out, right before he slipped inside of me.
“Fuck. Me. Hard!” I cried out between thrusts.
He slammed inside of me repeatedly, ramming his large cock inside me, toying with my G-spot. I felt myself on the edge of letting go against him, but wanted this to continue, so I pushed through as he grunted louder, slamming against me.
There was a mirror behind us, and I could see him watch himself fuck me; but I didn’t want him to have all the pleasure, so I flipped around and imagined watching myself as he inserted himself back into me from behind, grabbing my hips as I pushed against him. I pictured my face as I was getting fucked with pleasure, and contorting in such a way that I felt as if I was going to burst all around him.
I envisioned him making his “about to orgasm” face as he flipped me over once again, and propped me against the sink. Finally, the pressure inside of me that was building with gentle ease, was too much to handle and I looked at him, both of us knowing what the other was thinking.
I pictured wrapping my legs against his hips as he pushed inside of me one last time. I felt my g-spot get rocked, and I released all over his cock, writhing in such pleasure that my body was shaking all over. I imagined him roaring in that same pleasurable tone I just exhaled, and groan as warm liquid poured into my body
Just as I imagined all of this, I felt myself get wet all over my fingers. The release inside of me felt magical. I had never done something like that before. It was all sort of new and exciting for me. I can’t tell you how I felt after doing it all to myself, I just felt so empowered.
I got up and went to go just clean myself up a little bit but opted to hop into the shower to calm my body down from the intensity of my orgasm that just shot through my core.
As I got into the cold shower, I thought about how I had never really touched myself…down there before. It was such a freeing and relieving feeling to be able to do that to yourself. It felt as if I didn’t have to rely on a man to get pleasure. I could do it all myself without anyone else’s help. I felt like a new person.
As I grabbed the shower gel and started rubbing it all over my body, I was excited to realize that it was me who had given myself the relief it needed. Gr
anted, it was brought on by imagining Ryder in my head, but I did it all myself. Just like I was going to get through this breakup. I was going to do it all myself.
Fuck yes. I was going to be that stereotypical independent woman. Fuck Ryder. I didn’t need his dick to pleasure me. I could do it myself. I mean, yes, I had to imagine his dick inside of me in order to turn myself on, but that was irrelevant…or was it?
Fuck. It was confusing and annoying to dwell on, so I just tried to put that thought out of my head. Suddenly, while I was in the shower, I heard my phone ring from the nightstand in my room. My heart skipped a beat and I was hoping that maybe it was Ryder, somehow telepathically getting my sexually frustrated vibes. There was just something in my gut that told me to get out of the shower and go check who was calling; so quickly, I washed off the soap and hopped on out.
I threw on a towel and ran to my phone charging on the nightstand. I looked at the screen and shock rushed through my body.
Holy.
Fucking.
Shit.
Why the fuck would this person be calling me? What would they want, or even have to say, to even begin to have the nerve to pick up the phone to call me. What would they even begin to say to make up for the pain they caused, and the relationship that was ruined because of their stupid thoughtless actions?
But I had to admit, I was curious. So I picked up the phone and answered the call…
Chapter 13
Ryder
I tried to let her go. It was hard at first, ‘cause I kept finding myself tryin’ to call her or touch her at night. But eventually I got the fuckin’ picture when she didn’t even bother pickin up. It’s been just a waste of a goddamn couple of weeks. All I can do is go through the motions of livin’, but she is always on my mind. She haunts my every thought. I would do anything to have my Harper Mae back in my arms.
