“From the way you were flirting I thought that’s what you wanted?”
“Lime twist Kibble.”
Chapter Two
Every night I have the same dream. Cain calling me, and I was happy by his side. I blamed my parents for making the deal with him in the first place. Ok, they wanted a child but why on earth did they make a deal with Cain? And I’m talking about the biblical Cain, as in Cain and Abel. The first murderer, the first immortal and one scary SOB. According to my father he thought he would have to give up his car but when I was born with the mark; a simple cross on my hip, he realised I was the thing he loved the most. My parents were idiots. And if that wasn’t bad enough I had a wicked dream that consisted of me being hogtied by a cowboy. My life sucked sometimes. I couldn’t remember getting home last night, probably because I had one too many lime twists and I was surprised even more that I managed to get myself to bed and put on my PJ’s.
I was just nodding off, back to the land of sleep when the ring of my phone shattered the silence. I managed to pry one eye open as I fumbled for it,
“Two million…” I slammed it down hard and rolled onto my back. Dorian was getting on my nerves.
I blinked at the clock and it winked nine am at me. This was an insane time to be ringing me. I hated mornings and Dorian knew full well I did. I wanted to hurt him but I settled on getting my arse out of bed. Unfortunately, I was also having the hangover from hell thanks to Kibble. I sat on the end of the bed and watched the room spin. God damn it! I pushed my feet into my slippers and dragged myself down the stairs and into the kitchen. It was time for a Bloody Mary. To be honest I was surprised I was even able to make it with one eye open and barely conscious. I was going to sit on my sofa all day and watch trashy TV until I felt human again, which could be days the way I felt.
“Three million…”
“Mother fuc…” I jumped spilling Bloody Mary all over me. Dorian was standing in my living room looking rather pleased with himself.
“How the hell did you get in here?” I looked like I’d been involved in a massacre thanks to me wearing half my drink but I was interested to know how he got in. I’d spent a small fortune on security and here he was standing in front of me like the sex god he was. He was in a ridiculously hot, grey suit with a matching waistcoat, white shirt and floral grey tie. His hair made me want to run my fingers through it but it was that stupid smirk he was wearing that had to spoil it and the fact he decided to poke me with his cane,
“You left the front door open and by the way you look it was probably due to you being rather inebriated last night.” I starting crunching on the stick of celery and then thrust it into his shirt and started poking him with it,
“What do you want?”
“That was a hand woven Egyptian cotton shirt and you have wiped tomato juice on it.” He tried to rub at the mark but I knew it was staining and I revelled at my small win,
“I’m sure you have another…”
“Oh I’ve got plenty, now back to business. Three million is my final offer.” He just wasn’t getting the message,
“I don’t want to do it!” I whined and he lifted his eyebrow,
“Please, you know how important it is to me.”
“How did you manage to lose it this time?”
“I haven’t. I’ve always known where it was but as my life has been threatened and whomever sent me the message seems to be aware of its existence.” Why, oh why, did I have to get involved with a man that should have been a work of fiction?
“That damn picture will be the death of you, so where is it?”
“Oh, it will be the death of me, as for its whereabouts? It’s in the British Museum.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me?” I knocked back the remainder of the Bloody Mary and slumped on my sofa,
“I kid you not. I dated the curator a while back and well, I used the opportunity to my benefit.”
“You’ve put it somewhere weird haven’t you?” It was as stupid question really,
“It’s in a sarcophagus. All I need you to do is pop on along and retrieve it for me.” He smiled and I wanted to punch him,
“I’m not popping along anywhere. Why don’t you ask the curator?” Yet again a stupid question because I knew the answer,
“Ah, well, ahem, we didn’t exactly part on good terms. Please Xan, I’m desperate.”
“I can’t see how it’s my problem. You were the one that made a pact with the devil for immortality; you should have known it wasn’t going to be that easy.” Dorian Grey was supposed to be a tall tale. A story written by Oscar Wilde, but here he was standing in front of me with his sexy smile. Damn my hormones!
“Nothing is ever easy in life. You of all people should know that. But, if you help me retrieve my portrait I will forever be your ally. Plus, of course, financial compensation will be paid to you.” He knew all about my fears because of stupid pillow talk when I thought we had a future together. I sighed and by the smile on his face he knew I was giving in, “Adram!” I yelled.
“You beckoned milady?” Adram was in fact Adramelech. My own personal demon who looked pretty normal apart from the peacock feathers sticking out of his arse, oh and the green fur all over his body and his scary arsed teeth. He was also the devil’s personal dresser and I was his penance for trying to dress the dark lord in pink. I needed a guide, and Adram got the duty as punishment. He was my reluctant trainer and my so-called protector. If I was supposed to lead Cain’s army then I needed to survive to do it and Adram was supposed to insure that. It hadn’t stopped him from stabbing, slicing, poisoning and doing a variety of other things to me to test how ‘versatile’ I was. I’d grown up with him and although he was a constant pain, he was like family. When he first appeared, I thought he was my Fairy Godmother, mainly because he was dressed in a pink dress with matching heels and I was only four. Demons didn’t settle on a sexuality because they saw everything, and I do mean everything, as fair game. Adram just happened to like the colour pink.
He was the one who explained who and what I was. That Cain had helped my parents conceive by adding a little demon into the mix and I was the result. I was to lead his army against the gates of heaven, so he could take his place as a God. I didn’t understand what that meant at the time but I knew at some point he would return for me and I wouldn’t have a choice. That was why Dorian’s offer, to forever be my ally, meant more to me than his money. I had to be ready and I needed the help of others.
“I need blueprints for the British Museum. Can you acquire them for me?” Adram blinked his little bug eyes at me and then rolled them,
“One of these days I’ll get a please and thank you!” With that, he puffed out of existence.
I heard my front door open and slam, which meant one thing, “Alexandra, I’ve left your father again!” Just what I needed, my mother wallowing in self-pity over my father.
“Oh how wonderful, I’ve never met your mother.” Dorian clapped his hands together as I walked to greet the other bane of my life. She was standing in the hallway with my brother being dragged behind her. It was ironic that they always had trouble conceiving then thirteen years after I was born my brother arrived. My mother thought she was menopausal and then got the shock of her life. Of course, he was a typical teenager so ignored pretty much everything around him that wasn’t on his tablet or phone. Bernard Trescott the Second was the hideous name they had decided on but all his friends called him Cam. Why? Because a year ago my mother dropped him off at boarding school and as she got out of the car, she was sporting a rather horrendous camel toe. Kid’s started calling him Cam and it’s stuck ever since. He actually liked it better than Bernard, so that’s what we called him. The poor kid was on his school holidays but he was still being made to follow my mother around.
“Mom just go home, kiss and make up and all will be fine.”
“You’re father has finally done it Alexandra. I’m not going back! I take it my room is still where it usually is
?”
“Where the hell do you think it would be?” God I really needed another drink,
“I’ve got your floor plans. Oh great, she’s here.” Adram was back but now he looked as pissed off to see my mother as I did. The problem was, my mother was a non-believer which meant she couldn’t see poor Adram. He'd hated the title of ‘imaginary friend’ when I was younger. “I better go get the vodka and razor blades, she might do us all a favour this time.” He puffed out again and came back with a bag,
“Stop it!”
“You’re too old for an imaginary friend Alexandra. It was cute when you were five but now it’s attention seeking…”
“Well hello Mrs Trescott, I’m Dorian.” Dorian was trying to save the day and for once I was glad of his intervention because Adram had just puffed out his peacock feathers out of frustration and was kicking things around my living room.
“Oh, I do hope Alexandra has the sense to marry you.” Dorian laughed and I slapped his arm,
“Mother!”
“Well, you aren’t getting any younger and I would like grandchildren at some point before I die.”
“Either go sort your shit out with dad or wallow in your room. I have things to discuss with Dorian.”
“I’m guessing all those things are going to be illegal? Why can’t you have a nice normal job? I’ve told you over and over again you have a place in your father’s business but still you break the law. If you weren’t my only daughter I would have called the police on you a long time ago.”
I blinked and then considered throwing her arse out of my house, “I mean it mom.” She tusked and whisked herself up the stairs. Cam stopped and looked up from his tablet,
“Adram doesn’t look happy.” My brother was a lot more opened minded than either of my parents. Probably because Adram had always been around and children were innocent enough to see the ‘others’.
“I’m sure he’ll be fine. There’s food in the fridge if you’re hungry, just help yourself.” Food was a good bribe for any teenager and off he went, which meant I now had to deal with a strutting, peacock demon.
I opened the door to find Adram strutting, his tail all fanned out, “You can pack that in too.”
“He’s actually quite beautiful.” Dorian had to add something. It only made Adram fluff up more and strut over to him,
“You are an abomination!” Adram yelled,
“You sir, are a peacock!” Which was technically true,
“Stop it. If you want my help Dorian then you have to be nice to Adram.” They both looked at each other and then Adram pulled back his feathers and sat down. I was going to be pulling peacock feathers out of my carpet for days. Now let’s figure out a plan so I can get your damn picture.”
Chapter Three
If you’ve ever been to the British Museum, then you’ll know the worst possible time to go is when the little devils, aka children, were on summer break. The whole place was infested with them. Snotty, sticky little devils that wanted to touch everything, including me.
“If one more touches me, I’m eating them!” They were also touching Adram and it was making him twitch,
“Well, you didn’t have to come but you did insist that I never take you anywhere.” I smiled and all he did was glare,
“You know full well I can’t hide myself from mini people…”
“Children. Mini people are children.” I laughed as I watched a small child run her fingers through his tail feathers and then run off,
“They’ll be lunch in a minute!”
“You’re creating a scene…” Before I could finish my sentence a child ran up to him and he preened, fluffing his feathers and showing his rather sharp teeth in a huge grin. The poor child didn’t have a chance and screamed all the way back to his mother,
“Now that was a scene!” He grinned,
I shook my head, “Come on, I need to change.”
“I’m going to the gift shop…”
“Don’t you dare eat a child!”
“Pfft. They’re all stringy and bony…” I looked at him in disgust, “…I’m only joking. I may be a demon, but I do have morals.”
“Yeah, demon morals. Just behave will you? I need this to go off without a hitch and quickly so I can get Dorian out of my life.”
“Uh huh, we both know you’re going to screw him again. Hell, if you don’t I think I might.” If I wouldn’t have looked even more of a loon I would have punched him. He smiled and then poofed off to the gift shop.
Now came the hard bit. There was an hour to go before it closed, so I had to become a tourist. Thanks to Adram, I knew exactly where I needed to go to find this stupid sarcophagus and Dorian’s painting. The problem was I couldn’t just go there because the place had guards, so I decided to have a look around. It might even turn into a wish list for a future excursion to re-appropriate some profitable treasures.
Time was ticking and slowly security was clearing the building, it was time. I headed for the nearest disabled toilet and locked the door behind me. I hated this part because it took so much energy and I hadn’t eaten properly for a while. As much as I pretended to be normal, I knew I never would and Adram made it his life’s purpose to remind me daily. I pulled my Glock from my ankle holster and started stripping until I was standing in a tight black running suit. I sighed at the sight of my flat chest in the mirror and then stashed my clothes and Glock in the trash. I hated, hated, hated this but it was the only way. I turned on the tap and let the cool water splash across my hands. It ran through my fingers as I felt its essence run through me. I had to concentrate because water wasn’t the easiest shape to take. I closed my eyes and visualised myself going deeper. Deeper and deeper, until the water molecules began to split. Still I went deeper. I felt my body begin to quiver and then reform. I was becoming the water. Copying and multiplying its elements until I was as fluid as the water running through my fingers. Then we were one. My body splashed to the floor and I was thankful I could still control movement in this form.
That’s the thing about being part demon, I could do things normal people couldn’t and it made me a stronger leader for Cain. Whatever I touched I could become. According to Adram, I was possibly part elemental demon but his idea of training me to take on the form of water was throwing me a DVD of Terminator 2 and making me watch it for hours. He also said there was a high probability I could change others with me because I always reformed with clothes but I had never done it. Doing it to myself was uncomfortable enough because I could literally feel my atoms breaking apart and reforming and I really didn’t want to mix them with someone else’s. I knew I couldn’t do it to anything with moving parts because I’d tried and the results were pretty nasty, hence why I had to stash my Glock. Yet again, Adram thought it was unwise to try to become air because I may not be able to reform. I could take on the properties of earth, base metals, precious stones, water and manmade materials. I had even tried fire but Adram caught me and ‘put me out’ with a fire extinguisher when I was ten. Flesh and fire really don’t mix and I spent that summer in hospital with third degree burns on my hands, but like everything else I healed. It was also the reason I hadn’t been caught…yet.
Things always looked distorted when I was water, as if I was looking through a puddle, and it felt really weird not breathing. I slithered over the tiled floor trying not to think of the germs, and up into the toilet. When security checked the toilets, they’ll just think kids had locked it from the outside while I waited in the toilet bowl. I used to bitch at Adram about making me hide like this but then he would lecture me about a toilet being a ‘damn sight cleaner than my chopping board was’. Plus I’d watched the cleaning staff clean it ten minutes ago. I only had to wait for another fifteen minutes and everyone would have gone, the doors would be locked, and I could reform. Not long now.
“I’m telling you I need to pee and no-ones in there…” Oh shit. I may be water but there was nothing wrong with my hearing and that distinctly sounded like a wo
man yelling,
“Madam we’re closing in five minutes and there’s a disabled toilet near the entrance…”
“Don’t start with me young man. I need to pee and I won’t make it to that one. I’ve been waiting for ages and no-ones answered me when I’ve yelled for them to hurry up. So, they’re either lying on the floor dead or there’s no-one in there. Either way you need to open the door.” I heard the scrape of the lock being opened and the hinge squeak. Double shit!
“See I told you there was no-one inside. Probably kids. Look they even left the taps on…probably wanted to flood the place as a joke.”
“Madam, do what you need to do and hurry up. Some of us have homes to get to.” A round naked arse appeared above me and with that, my fate was sealed.
***
Well wasn’t that the longest five minutes of my life! I still had to wait for another thirty minutes before the alarms were set and I was finally able to reform.
“Jesus you look like shit.” Adram was waiting for me with an overflowing paper bag,
“You don’t know the half of it. I really hope you’ve not helped yourself to the displays while I’ve been waiting and I hope you remembered to sort the cameras out.” I'd left my clothes in the trash but had retrieved my gun. I wasn’t carrying it because I thought there would be trouble but in a building this old you never knew what was lurking in the shadows. Just to make sure I’d loaded it with silver bullets because most nasty things had an aversion to it and at worse a head shot would kill, regardless of what the bullets were made of.
“What do you take me for? The cameras are sorted and these are gifts…”
“More like bargaining chips.” Demons didn’t get out much, especially into the real world so anything and everything from here could be traded for something,
“There is that, plus the nice young lady on the till was a first level sorceress who apparently recognised me from her text books. Apparently I’m rather famous.”
Thief: X Page 2
