“For the love of the Dark Lord himself you all look terrible!” I had never been so grateful to see Adram in my life. Men erupted from the portal he must have walked through, clutching sizzling nets,
“I want the hell hounds alive. I want to see how long it takes to recondition them. Put that three headed thing out before it becomes a problem. I'd rather you lot carry it than let me get bit!” Unfortunately, he’d brought the Major with him,
“Did you really think I'd leave you? I just had a little trouble getting down here so I had to contact that balding fashion faux pas over there and he knew a witch who could open portals and so here we are.”
“I…I didn't know.”
“You stupid girl.” He was hugging me before I could protest,
“Adram,” I mumbled into his shoulder,
“Yes honey,”
“What the hell are you wearing?” He held me at arm’s length and smiled,
“I had to dress for the occasion!” All the men the Major was ordering about, including himself, where dressed in black combat gear. Adram on the other hand was dressed in a bright pink and brown camouflage suit with a matching pink beret and an orange water blaster 9000 strapped to his back.
“What did you think you were walking into? A carnival?”
“Always the critic, no wonder you can't get a man!” I was sure he was colour blind because the mixture of pink against his green fur and peacock feathers made my head spin,
“Shall we get out of here…?”
“Wait.” I turned to launch myself at the Elk but as usual he'd run for his life. A few guards remained but were being zapped by funny looking guns the Majors’ small army were brandishing. The whining of hell hounds echoed though the near empty arena and I sighed in relief realising how close I had been to death, or as near as I could get,
“Portal can't be left open forever Xan…” I looked at him as the others waited for me, “and who might you two be?” Adram was guiding a near naked Wolfie and Sister Succubus towards the portal, with his arms wrapped around their waists. I laughed as they both slapped his arms away at the same time.
We all approached the portal, closely followed by the Major and I nodded at the witch holding it open,
“When the last of my men are out, close it and seal it. It's been nice doing business with you Troy.” The Major laughed but the witch glared at him with menace. He was quite good looking with his long jet black hair, that was until I saw his wedding ring. Why were all the hot men married?
“This is the last time Major. Don't ask again or I'll let my wife handle you!” Yep, he was definitely annoyed over something. The Major laughed and I found myself pushed through.
Portals gave me horrendous motion sickness, especially ones that went this deep. I literally fell over my own feet and crashed to the floor. Seconds later, I was spewing over Adram’s pink boots.
“Really Xan? I had to trade all my British Museum trinkets for these boots from Martha the Proxia Demon and that was because I wouldn't stick my finger in her…”
“Please, shut up!” I coughed,
“You're no fun sometimes!” He moaned,
“Need a little help love?” Dorian held out his hand to help me up but all I could see was Marshall watching me. I rolled my eyes and took his hand.
“I suggest you all get cleaned up. As agreed with Adram you have fresh clothes waiting for you and you are welcome to use our facilities to wash the Hell stink from you. Then we will meet back in the lounge area in an hour, were you can debrief me.” The Major spun around and wandered down the corridor.
Everyone looked at Adram, “Follow the signs people.” He laughed pointing at the sign on the wall that said ‘Showers’. I was soon left with Adram and I dragged him by the arm in the opposite direction,
“What have you done?” I was tapping my foot waiting for his response,
“Nothing…” I could see the flush in his face and that wasn't easy with him being green and all, “I bartered…”
“With what? Seriously, Adram, the Major isn't a demon who believes in demon laws surrounding bartering. I don't trust him and neither should you.” Demons may be the things from nightmares but they had a strict code about bartering. Once the deal was made it was fulfilled or they found themselves in front of the Dark Lord and a breach of contract did not have a great outcome.
“It’s ok don't worry…” I glared at him and he rolled his eyes, “He can summon me once and I'll help him on demon matters.”
“You're an idiot!” I marched towards the showers, resisting the urge to punch Adram for being so stupid. I could hear him running after me,
“Why? I thought I was being quite clever myself. I knew you were down there and I couldn't get to you without help. You are working with him after all!” I stopped and spun around,
“Is that exactly how you worded the deal?”
“Yep, did the funky handshake as well to seal it.” He looked proud of himself,
“You don't see it do you? You know there's loop holes in deals like that and yet you worded it just like that. No wonder the Major looks pleased with himself.”
“Oh for the Dark Lords sake what?”
“I'm presuming you meant that when the Major summoned you once you would help in on demon matters on that summons…”
“…yeah and?” I really wanted to punch his furry arse,
“He can just come and get you. He doesn't need to summon you and you'll have to help in on any demon matter. You didn't restrict it to that one summons. You are now his little demon bitch and you can't do anything about it.” I saw what I'd said sink in and he sighed,
“I'm the Dark Lord’s dresser I'm sure he'll help me this one time,”
“He gave you me last time you messed up.” I know I started out as a punishment for him and the thought that he was only sticking around because of it hurt,
“That's not been so bad.” I rolled my eyes and carried on walking. Adram followed in silence and I could tell he was worried.
An hour later, we were sat in the lounge. Why it was called that was anyone's guess because it was grey. Just grey. No one could lounge and relax in this room. Even the chairs were hard and grey. I did admit I felt better for the clean clothes and the shower, even though it was just a T-shirt and jeans,
“I hope you feel better after your little adventure?” The Major made the mistake of glaring at me. A second later, I found a glass water jug in my hand and the next second consisted of it smashing across his face.
Chapter Sixteen
This was the reason I didn’t have friends. I was unpredictable at the best of times, so when I was tired I was known to be stupid. Have you ever looked at someone’s face and thought it needed a slap…with a hammer? That’s what the Major was doing to me and I just couldn’t help it. Adram was laughing because he knew full well it was my demon side rearing its ugly head and I had to embrace it. Some people would think being half demon was a curse and it needed to be fixed. The only problem was, there was no easy fix. I had to live with it but sometimes it crept to the surface and I lost control. Unfortunately for the Major, his face had been the catalyst and now he had a bloody forehead. I couldn’t even say I’d lost my temper, I just put it under the shit happens bracket.
What was making me angry was the amount of guns aimed at me, while the Major looked like his head was about to explode. Didn’t he know playing with demons could be dangerous? My little inner demon snorted at that and took great pleasure in watching the Major huff and puff.
“What the hell was that for?” The Major roared. If it had come from one of the butch guards, I may have been a little frightened but coming from a small balding man with an ever growing bulbous nose made me bite my lip before I burst out laughing.
“She gets like that sometimes. She’s probably PMSing. Have you ever seen a demoness when she’s in one of those moods? Xan is a pussy cat compared to them. I once had this she-demon…” I glared at Adram to shut him up,
“I
’m not PMSing! I’ve been repeatedly punched, nearly eaten and literally saw Death waiting for me and you ask me ‘if I feel better after my little adventure?’” I whined the last part, mocking the Major as best I could, “You have no idea sitting safe in your little fort, giving out orders.”
“You’d be dead if it wasn't for me twiddling my thumbs organising your rescue!” Yeah, I think steam was actually coming out of his ears,
“Are you trying to tell me you didn’t have ulterior motives? I saw the way you captured the Hell hounds and I tell you now, I want my dog back.” The Major looked at me puzzled and so did Adram. I sighed, “Cerberus, you know the three headed dog I saw you catch in that electric net?” The Major mumbled something under his breath and nodded at a guard. “I also want the other prisoners released.”
“What other prisoners?” The Major had pulled out a hanky and dabbed it on his split eyebrow, I hoped it hurt, a lot.
“Really? Are you really gonna make me really you?” I heard Adram snorting again trying to keep his laugh restrained,
“I have no…”
I held up my hand in his face, “First there’s Marshall, where the hell is he? Second, there’s Dorian, well you could probably keep him but you’d want to give him back after a week. Thirdly there’s Wolfie and fourthly Sister Succubus.” Adram was looking at me confused. I know what he was thinking and I had no idea why I wanted to take these misfits back with me but I did know I just couldn’t leave them with the Major. Something about him and his ‘operation’ made my skin crawl. It looked like I was getting a conscience after all.
“They are going to be integrated back into society…”
“My arse! You're going to catalogue them and no one will see them again.”
“And what are you going to do for me in return? You haven’t even found Clockwork, which I’m giving you forty eight hours to bring in or I’ll be cataloguing your family. That’s the problem with renegades having family, they’re liabilities. I have to admit I was surprised that you kept your family so close. I thought I’d have to do some digging to find them but there they were on your doorstep. So, you see, you have nothing more to give. Simply put, if you don’t uphold your end of this bargain I’ll own you and your family.” It was a good job there were no more water jugs because I wanted to pummel his face until he looked like Kibble.
“Let’s see; if you touch my family I’ll destroy you…” the Major snorted and my eye twitched, “…you think you’ve been clever tricking Adram into literally serving you but I saw right through you…”
“I…” I pushed my finger in the air silencing him,
“Do you think the Dark Lord aka Beelzebub, aka Satan, aka the freakin Devil, would let one of his personal assistants be foolish enough to make bargains like that? It doesn’t happen because bargains like that have to go through the Dark Lord himself and the last time I looked you didn’t seek council with him.” The Major was gawking at me flapping his mouth like a dying fish,
“Now, I want everyone or I’m quite happy to fight my way out of this place and if you don’t I’ll just have to tell the Dark Lord that you’ve tried to trick his assistant. He can get quite moody over those sort of things. I think the last time that happened he sunk Atlantis but that could’ve been a rumour.” I turned around and began to walk away, watching the guards looking at me wondering whether to shoot me or not. Adram was in just as much shock, hell I was in shock with myself. A week ago, I’d have left everyone behind and not thought anymore of it. Now I was fighting for people. I wasn’t sure I liked the feeling.
“They’ll be waiting outside for you but you’ll be responsible for them. They cause any problems, and I’ll have them and you euthanized for the good of society. Do you understand? I can do threats just as good as you.”
For a minute or two we had a staring contest until the Major shook his head and pushed past me,
“Escort them out Clive before I shoot her in the head!” Clive stood grinning at me and then clicked his pen, scribbling out whatever had been on his clipboard,
“This way Miss Trescott, your chariot awaits.” Now here was another man I wanted to smack as hard as I could with the front of my car.
Thirty minutes later, I had been politely pushed out of their doors. What I hadn’t expected was that it was the door of a Starbucks. Customers were completely oblivious to what was lurking under their beloved maker of Grande hot, decaf, triple five-pump vanilla, non-fat, no foam, whipped cream, extra hot, extra caramel, upside down caramel macchiatos. I never thought I would appear from a Starbucks' loo in shock. The fact Adram was following me was the only reason I was behaving myself. Can you imagine getting arrested in a Starbucks? I’d never hear the end of it from him.
“Can I get some coffee beans before we go? I can trade them for some cool goodies in Hell. Hell coffee tastes like cat litter.” I looked at Adram and shook my head,
“Whatever but make sure you at least look human when you pull your invisibility. I really don’t want the whole shop screaming monster.” He rolled his eyes at me. I knew I was stating the obvious but Adram liked mischief, it was in his nature. The fact more and more people were starting to believe in angels and demons meant Adram had to work extra hard at concealing himself in crowded spaces.
It was amazing how everyone was just going about their normal day to day business and completely ignoring the weird woman standing in the middle of Starbucks. The Major had some serious pull to get glamour of this standard cast. I was up Shit Creek without a paddle once he realised I was BS him over Adram. Like the Devil cared what his minions got up to. I was Adram’s punishment all those years ago because he had done something directly to the Dark Lord. If it didn’t concern him personally he had better things to do. I suppose when the Major figured it out I’d deal with it then.
I looked over to see Adram flirting with the Barista who was now giggling like a girl, Adram not the girl. I really couldn’t take him anywhere anymore. It was time I left and hoped everyone was waiting outside; after all I had only forty eight hours until the Major carried out his threats. I also had to find Marshall’s daughter and Madam Cassandra’s ‘girl’. I really didn’t want to deal with a pissed off vampire too. I sighed in relief as I saw my little yellow bug Betty with Wolfie and Sister Succubus leaning on her. Marshall had his arms crossed waiting and didn’t he look hot in sweat pants. I didn’t know what it was about sweat pants but they always seemed to accentuate a guy’s...package and I couldn’t keep my eyes away,
“You really need to get laid before your ovary pops.” Adram whispered in my ear and scared the bejesus out of me. I was about to make a witty comment when I saw Dorian walking towards Betty, which only confirmed my opinion about male packages, “And there blows the other one…POP!” I punched Adram in the arm. “I hate it when you get overloaded on sin, you hurt me.” He said rubbing at his arm.
A second later, I heard panting behind me. It was either Adram being weirder or Cerberus. I slowly turned to see a three headed dog looking at me. Not one person turned around to look at her. This was very expensive glamour indeed. She sat looking at me but as soon as she caught sight of Marshall she got her ginormous arse up and ran towards him like an excitable puppy. Marshall didn’t have a chance. Before he could move she’d pinned him and was licking his face with three very spit laden tongues.
“Will someone please get…this…mutt…off me?” I was laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe,
“She’s your mutt now.” I chuckled but apparently I was becoming a sucker nowadays, “Cerberus, I know you’ve missed him but in broad daylight? Plus, I suppose you’ve now gotta come with us and there’s no way you’ll fit in Betty that size.” Suddenly the tongue stopped and a whine echoed from her throat. As she looked at me, I was sure I saw a pout on her doggy lips. “Hey, you’ve chosen your master. If you want to come with us then you have to behave.”
She slowly clambered off a spit covered Marshall and sat her doggy arse down again. All three heads
seemed to be silently debating what to do and then they started melding into one. I watched curious to what she was doing and as her body started shimmering I couldn’t tear my eyes away. It was like watching a car crash. You didn’t really want to watch it but you couldn’t help it. Bones started to crack and then of all the dogs she could have chosen a Chihuahua sat blinking at me,
“Why?” Yes, I was talking to a dog and if dogs could shrug I was absolutely positive that’s what Cerberus was doing. I just hoped the glamour stretched to outside the shop.
“I think you need to come pick up your little dog cowboy.” Dorian laughed. Marshall glared at him and then picked up Cerberus, who proceeded to lick his chin,
“I’ll wait in the car.” Somehow, I thought Marshall was still giving me the silent treatment. This was what happened when I did a good dead. Didn’t he know I was bad; really, really bad?
“Anyone know where we are?” I hated being dumped in places. Not that I had a great sense of direction at the best of times but just once I’d like to have a little luck,
“Just outside London. I’d love to travel back with you but I have to go see a man about a suit. This…” He picked at his sweat shirt, “…just won’t do. I’ll meet you back in Havensbrook when I have the correct attire.” Only Dorian could think about going shopping after a trip to an Hell prison.
“Well, unless anyone else would like to stay I think I’ve had enough for one day and I have a bottle of Vodka with my name on it.” Wolfie and Sister Succubus looked at me, not knowing what to say, “What? Oh yeah, I forgot to mention you’ve gotta come home with me because you’re now in my care.” They looked puzzled, “I can always take you back. I mean it’s no skin off my nose if you want to go back to the pits of Hell.”
“Wow. You really want us to come with you?” Wolfie looked shocked. Ok, I’d probably been a she-bitch back in Hell but I had been chained upside down, naked. What was everyone expecting?
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