He met both their gazes. “Buddy is the one who encouraged me to try photography. He gave me my first camera on my birthday when I turned twenty. He’s the one who entered me in the competitions that I ended up winning. And he’s the one who created the website that you found, Tatum, the one where you discovered me. If it wasn’t for him, I never would have made it to you both, never would have survived that long. He gave me everything I needed, and more, to make it out of there and get up on my own two feet.
“I went to see him today,” he finished softly. “And he told me I was being a fool, that I was running from the two of you as if you were my father, or any of those other bastards who fucked with me before. He was right. I was running away again. But I also knew that I would never be able to trust myself, never be able to trust in your love for me, if I continued to let you believe you knew about all of my demons already. So I knew I needed to come back, if only to tell you the truth.
“I ran from you today, not because my father’s accusations hurt me, but because he brought back everything I’d tried so hard to leave behind. He made me realize that, no matter how much I wish the past had never been, it’s still part of who I am. I can’t leave it behind, because there will always be things that remind me of the things that happened to me. But that doesn’t mean I have to let them win.”
Tatum sucked in a breath, as did Sidri. Allen smiled at both of them. “So, now you know. Every sordid detail. I understand why you’re afraid, Tatum,” he said in a pained whisper, eyes bright. “I’m afraid, too. I can’t guarantee that the fear won’t rise up again, can’t guarantee that I won’t have the urge to run. The only thing I can guarantee, here and now, is that if the two of you can love me, if you can both put up with my psychoses and believe in me, then I will always find my way back to you. Always.”
He took a deep breath, then lowered his head, once again submissive in pose. “I’m yours,” he said simply. “If you’ll have me.”
Then he waited.
Chapter 27
Allen was swimming in a sea of emotion so chaotic he began wondering if it were possible to drown in your own mind.
Sidri and Tatum had been quiet for a while now. He desperately wanted to peek, to see if he could tell what they were thinking, but restrained himself. He’d done what he came here to do, told them the absolute, honest truth. Spread his heart out like a blanket, revealed his deepest, darkest secrets. All the barriers were down, now.
It was their decision whether or not to cross them.
So he waited. And waited. And waited. And finally, when his neck and shoulders were starting to cramp from being bent for so long, Sidri’s sultry voice broke the silence.
“You hurt us today, Allen. How do we know we can trust you?”
Allen suppressed a shudder. Eyes squeezed shut, he took a deep breath and thought, Thank God. Thank God, thank God, thank God. They’re going to give me a chance. If they weren’t, they wouldn’t be looking for reasons to accept my apology—they’d be kicking me out on my ass without so much as a farewell.
Clearing his throat, Allen raised his head and looked at both of them squarely, hiding nothing. “May I take off my shirt?”
Sidri’s only reaction was a raised eyebrow. Tatum bit his lower lip, obviously fighting the urge to smile. Both of them nodded.
Allen reached behind his head, snagged his T-shirt collar, and pulled the cloth over his head. He left it bunched around one wrist as he sat back on his heels, making sure his chest was completely revealed.
Both of them gasped.
Allen licked his lips, eyes darting back and forth between them as he gauged their reactions. Buddy had helped him with the artwork, so he knew it was legible. On the left side of his chest, over his heart, an elaborate design had been drawn using black marker. Amidst a wealth of swirls, curly-cues, and whirls, five letters had been lovingly detailed in elaborate, sweeping lines and swooshes.
O. W. N. E. D.
“It’s not permanent—yet,” Allen said quietly. He met Tatum’s stunned blue eyes. “I want you to draw your own design, Tatum, when and if you choose to make it permanent. But this was the only way I could think of to let you know how I feel. How much I want this. You both said…” His voice cracked. He paused, cleared his throat. “You both said, that last day at the lake house, that I was it for you. Well, this is my way of saying the same thing. If you can forgive me for what I did today, if you can bring yourselves to trust in me again, I swear to you I will live the rest of my life redeeming myself for making you lose faith in me.”
He took a deep breath. “Over two weeks ago, I was living in a waking nightmare. I didn’t even realize it at the time—all I knew was I’d never been happy, never felt comfortable with myself or my life. It wasn’t until I met the two of you that I realized how much I was missing. Being with you at the lake house, learning just how much more I could have if I could just bring myself to trust you, was the biggest revelation I’ve ever had. And it scared me. Frightened me to the bone. I’ve lived my whole life, running away from pain and hardship. Faced with the prospect of finally being happy, I panicked.
“I didn’t run because Brock made me look bad in front of the others at the company. I didn’t run because my father showed up and rubbed my nose in my past failures. I ran because those events were the excuse I needed to prove to myself that I wasn’t supposed to be happy with my life. I couldn’t bring myself to believe that the two of you could love me, when I couldn’t even love myself.
“Our first night together, Sid?” He met her warm green eyes, gave her a sweet smile. “When you first asked what my tattoo said, and I gave you the translation as ‘Angel Without, Demons Within’? Though that wasn’t the literal translation, and you were right to call me out for lying about it, that is what it really means. People have always looked at me and seen the angel on the outside, seen the nice face and great body. But they never saw what was on the inside, never saw the shadows over my heart. I had that tattoo placed on my back because I needed the reminder that just because I might look good at first glance, inside I was nothing more than a Devil wearing the face of an angel.”
“Oh, baby,” Tatum breathed quietly.
Allen closed his eyes briefly. “But from the first moment I was with the two of you, I could tell you knew me—inside and out. And for the first time ever, it didn’t matter. You didn’t care about the demons in my past, didn’t care about the beautiful façade that hid those demons from the naked eye. You both made me believe that it didn’t matter to you, one way or another—you wanted me, not the pretty packaging.
“That had never happened to me before. Ever. And even though I tried to ignore it, there was always a voice inside me, saying that it was only a matter of time before you both realized I wasn’t worth the effort. That I wasn’t worth loving in the first place.
“And because of that, because I was scared that one day you would suddenly stop seeing me that way, I started looking for excuses. Looking for reasons to run before the glamour broke and you realized that it really did matter to you. Because I knew it would kill me to wake up one day and see revulsion instead of love in your eyes. I thought that if I ran first, if I left before you had a chance to see through me, maybe it wouldn’t hurt as much. Maybe, if I left before you finally understood that the demons were real, you’d continue to love me even after I was gone.
“I thought it would be easier.” He bit his lip, swallowed hard. “I was wrong. Wrong about all of it. Wrong to think you couldn’t really love me. Wrong to think it would be easier to get over you both if I just left before you had a chance to hate me. Wrong to assume I could understand your feelings for me better than I could understand mine for you. I was a coward. I’ve always been a coward.”
He paused, met both of their astonished gazes with frank, open eyes. “I don’t want to be a coward anymore. I want to be brave for once. I want to be with you. Both of you. For as long as you’ll have me. And this,” he looked down, indicating the pseudo
-tattoo on his chest, “is my way of saying I want to belong to you. Both of you.” Allen took a deep breath as a single tear tracked down his cheek. He looked from one to the other, eyes pleading. “Please,” he whispered. “Please. I want to be yours.”
Silence.
Then both of them were there, wrapping their arms around him. Allen let out a breath he hadn’t even been aware of holding, closing his eyes and burying his face in Sidri’s gorgeous tresses. His lovers surrounded him from both sides, encasing him in delicious heat as they held him close. Allen’s muscles gave out, and if he hadn’t already been on his knees, he would have dropped to the floor. As it was, Tatum’s awesome strength kept him upright even as the two of them smothered him with kisses.
After a time, Sidri drew back and cupped his face. “You are not a coward, Allen,” she said in a thick, tearful whisper. “You are the strongest person we’ve ever met. You are the single most breathtaking individual we’ve ever come across. The things you went through should have broken you. But they didn’t, baby. They made you stronger. You did what you had to do to survive. You kept yourself alive, kept your heart and mind intact through some of the most horrific experiences a person could ever go through. We’re in awe of you.”
Tatum wrapped his arms around Allen’s chest from behind, one huge, hot palm covering the fake tattoo. “You didn’t have to do this to prove you belong to us,” he rumbled. “You already do, Allen. You are ours. Now and forever.”
Allen choked back a sob, nodding. Sidri wiped tears from his cheeks, pressed a kiss to his lips. Then, right before his eyes, she changed. Went from the happy, tearful woman who loved him desperately to the strong, intimidating Domme who owned his soul.
“You’ll have to make up for doubting yourself,” she said in that silky, sexy purr she did so well. “Your punishment must match the crime.”
Tatum murmured agreement, even as Allen’s cock went rock hard. “Indeed. We’ll need that last week of vacation you’ve got saved up, I think.”
Sidri nodded, green eyes hard as she focused on Allen’s face. “Definitely. A full week. You have a lot of things to make up for.”
Allen swallowed hard and licked his lips. “I’m yours,” he grated, lust closing his throat. “Do with me as you will.”
“Oh, we plan to,” Tatum laughed. The big man stood, disappeared into the closet for a moment. When he returned, he was carrying a blue silk tie. He knelt behind Allen once more and wrapped the fabric over his eyes. Allen shook as his lover tied the knot behind his head, encasing him in blue-tinted darkness.
“First rule,” Sidri whispered silkily, trailing her fingertips over his cheeks, his lips. “While we are in the house, you will wear one of two things. Tatum’s favorite jeans, or nothing at all.”
Allen groaned. The jeans were, of course, the ones Tatum had ripped the button from on their very first day together. Allen was wearing them now, in fact. Buddy had taken one look at the missing button, raised an eyebrow, and said “Are you sure you don’t need the money you’ve been sending me? Can’t you afford a decent pair of Levi’s, son?”
Allen had blushed furiously, mumbling something about not having paid attention to what he was wearing when he left the house that morning. Which was true—it just wasn’t the whole truth. Allen had indeed not been paying attention when he changed out of his work suit—he’d just grabbed the first pair of jeans he saw. That his choice had been Tatum’s favorite pair should have told him something, even when he’d been swimming in a sea of emotional anguish. He’d put them on, not because they were the only pair available, but because he wanted the reminder of Tatum’s lust hugging his hips, even while he’d been telling himself he wanted no reminders of them at all.
Even then, he’d been planning to return to them. He just hadn’t realized it.
He cleared his throat, shifting his knees self-consciously even while his lovers chuckled at his discomfiture. He was actually starting to wonder about that—he’d been on his knees for the better part of an hour, yet felt no pain. Granted, he was kneeling on thick carpet, but even carpeting was laid over hard floors. After so long, he should have been aching. Instead, he felt no more discomfort than if he’d been kneeling on the bed all this time.
Immediately, the memory of doing just that at the lake house, kneeling on the bed while his lovers pleasured themselves in front of him, shot pure lust through his whole body. His cock, already hard as stone, starting leaking copiously.
“Second rule,” Tatum rumbled against his ear. “You will keep yourself lubed at all times, so that any time I want to fuck you, you’ll be ready for me instantly.”
Allen moaned.
“Third rule,” Sidri continued, her fingers trailing down his neck, across his collarbone. “Any time either one of us requests it, you will make yourself available for sex. Anywhere, anytime, anyplace we choose. Wherever we happen to be. Even if one of us had just fucked you, if the other makes it clear your services are needed, you will comply, instantly.”
He was panting now, muscles vibrating uncontrollably.
“Fourth rule,” Tatum continued implacably. “From now on, you will never again refer to yourself as a coward, or a devil, or a freak. You are the man we love, the man who has chosen to be ours. Our opinion is the only one that matters. You will not argue, will not contradict us, and you will not doubt our love for you. You belong to us, and until you have earned the right to reclaim it, we will hold your heart in trust until the day we choose to give it back to you.”
He felt Sidri’s fingers encircle his chin, felt her lips brush his briefly. “Which will be never,” she assured him seriously.
Allen shuddered.
“And the final rule,” Sidri said huskily, her fingers running down his chest, over his stomach, as she made for his zipper. “You will not be alone, Allen. You will not go anywhere without one of us, ever. You will not leave the house without permission, not even to leave for work. And you will not leave our side, even for a moment, without saying three words.”
“I love you,” Allen whispered, heart doing cartwheels in his chest.
Tatum chuckled, just as Sidri pulled his zipper down and wrapped those long, sexy fingers around his weeping cock. Allen convulsed with a gasp, hips jerking unsteadily. Tatum’s big hands closed over his shoulders, keeping him still as Sidri began a long, slow hand job that had him moaning and crying out in no time. Between the blindfold, their sexy voices as they outlined the rules for his sensual punishment, and their combined heat as they surrounded him, Allen was close to exploding from sheer lust overload. But he managed to hold it back by the skin of his teeth, managed to ignore the need to come and keep coming until he collapsed in their arms.
They hadn’t given him permission yet. And he could not, would not, go off without it.
Sidri stroked him endlessly, while Tatum ran both hands up and down Allen’s body. The big man slid his palms down Allen’s sides, hooked his pinky fingers inside the waistband of his jeans, and slowly, slowly, drew them downward. Allen cried out as he felt those huge, hot palms grip his ass, squeezing and massaging the hard muscles as Tatum murmured endless approval. Sidri ran her thumbnail through the slit at the head of his cock, making him shout incoherently.
She chuckled, finally releasing his aching erection with a final squeeze. “Lean forward, baby. Hands and knees.”
Allen groaned, complying instantly. Tatum was already behind him, those ridiculously talented fingers massaging the striated muscle guarding his chute. He heard a pop, as of a plastic cap opening, and felt a cold, slippery line of lube drip down his crease. Tatum started working him, those thick fingers doing magical things to make him ready for his massive cock, making him pant and dig his fingers into the carpet’s thick pile. Allen had to force himself to stay still, to fight the urge to rock backward and steal just a little more of that sinful touch. His arms shook, muscles convulsing as he fought the urge to fly apart.
With the blindfold on, he couldn’t see what his lo
vers were planning next. He could only feel. Both of them caressed his body, trading places as they ran fingers and palms over his overheated skin. Both of them praised him endlessly, telling him how fucking sexy he was, how mouthwatering he looked, kneeling there between them on hands and knees, the fabric of his jeans bunched around his knees, socks and shoes still on. Since the pants encumbered his movements, Tatum had him nudge his knees together, commanded him to stay perfectly still.
Allen felt them both moving around him, could track their whereabouts by the heat radiating from their bodies. Sidri shifted away from him for a moment, leaving him blanketed by Tatum’s overwhelming sexual heat. When she returned, Allen felt her kneel next to his left flank, felt her strong, dexterous hand slide down to cup his left buttock. Allen cursed, biting his lip as she added her digits to Tatum’s, both of them now working his ass in tandem. He was panting, shaking, moaning uncontrollably, cock dripping pre-cum onto the carpet beneath him. It was almost too much already, and they hadn’t even started yet.
Suddenly, both of his lovers shifted away from him. Allen swallowed past a dry throat, cursing the blindfold that kept him from watching their movements. A piece of clothing hit his back, most likely Sidri’s shirt, followed by a heavier drape of fabric against his arm—Tatum’s jeans. Allen snuck his fingers across the carpet, wrapped the thick, heavy material around his hand. Tatum saw the move, obviously, because he groaned and murmured, “Jesus fuck, Allen.”
Allen smiled beneath the blindfold, glad the big man found something as simple as Allen wanting to touch his jeans erotic. More of their clothes covered him, sliding down his back and sides to puddle around him. Fuck, they had to be naked now, and he couldn’t see a damn thing.
Demons Within [For Love of Authority] (Siren Publishing Ménage and More) Page 30
