by Shelly Davis
Today was a big day for me. Today would set the rest of my life and my career in motion, or bring it all crashing down around me. The nightmare I had took my excited, anxious energy and turned me into nervous wreck. My hands trembled and my mind turned over and over in the aftermath of my frightening visions. Through the years, the nightmares of my time with Todd had dwindled and were almost manageable. But last night’s was one of the worst. I hated reliving what he did to me. I hated remembering how weak I was, and how I was so naïve that I didn’t get help when I should have. My father has never forgiven himself for not seeing what Todd was doing to me. He still blames himself when in reality it was me. I let it happen; I didn’t ask for help, I didn’t let anyone know how Todd hurt me.
Sucking in breath after breath, I tried to steel myself for the day to come. I had to have all of my wits in order to make it through the day. I hated going to class after a nightmare. The guys in my class could always tell when I was off. They would try to talk to me about it, but I always shot them down. Their concern was sweet, but unnecessary and unwelcome. I didn’t want them to see how weak I truly was. I didn’t want them to know about the trauma of my past. They would pity me, and pity was something I wasn’t willing to accept.
I drove quickly through town, knowing if I screwed around too much I would be late. Traffic through Mooresville sucked sometimes, but it was worth it, especially on a day like today. The extra time in the car would allow me to settle my nerves. Today was the first day of classes for my final semester in school and the most important semester of my entire educational career. Today I would find out where my semester internship with an actual race team would place me. Todd destroyed my life once, I wasn’t about to give him power over me again. I had to be ready for whatever they threw at me today. I had the potential to learn from some of the best mechanics in the business and hopefully I’d have the ability to get into an actual pit on race day and see how it all worked first hand. I couldn’t let my past screw up this chance. I had to get a grip.
Sometimes I couldn’t believe I was finally free to do what I wanted with my life. Thinking back a few years, I wasn’t sure I’d ever be living my life the way I desired. I wasn’t sure I’d ever be this close to my dream. For a while, I thought my dreams would be lost to the black void of my worst nightmares. But as I got closer to Pit Crew Tech, I finally felt like that part of my life was gone. The darkness swallowed up by my bright future. It was a great feeling. It had taken almost four years, but I was finally finding my way.
Twenty minutes later, I pulled into the parking lot of NPCT and took in the huge building. I had been so overwhelmed by this building and everything on the campus when I first came here. Now it seemed so familiar it felt like home. This was the place where I began remembering who I was. Todd’s venomous voice didn’t echo in my head nearly as much as it had only a couple of years ago. With the help of my dad, Uncle Bobby, my friends Cade and Jake, the new friends I made at school, and my therapist I was able to start to find myself again. Dr. Mathews was proud of my progress. She reminded me of how strong I was at every appointment. She, more than anyone else in my life, seemed truly to understand what I went through and how traumatic it was. I still had a long way to go, but I was healing.
I slid my four-wheel drive step-side truck into one of the spots closest to the doors. Grabbing my things, I ran into the building, straight into the theory room. This was where my life would change, hopefully forever. This was where I would be given my placement and all of the instructions for my upcoming internship. This entire semester would be in the field, with theory days once every two weeks at the school. Only one intern would be placed per team, so we were on our own. No more challenges, no more tests, no more competitions, and no more having the back up of our teams and friends. We now had to prove our worth. We had to prove we belonged out there. I was terrified, but excited at the same time.
I pulled my warm winter coat from my shoulders and slipped into my seat. I waited impatiently as the room filled around me with chattering, excited men. There were only twenty of us in the program in my year, twenty people for twenty teams. The season didn’t start for about a month, which would give us time to become acquainted with the teams and drivers. It would also give us time to be a part of testing the cars at different tracks and to be involved in fixing problems as they arose. I felt ready for this next challenge, I’d worked hard and I excelled. Even though I did well, I was scared. The thought of proving myself once again concerned me. But it was the same feeling I got every time I stepped into a new situation. I wanted more than anything to be an engineer, and my dream was finally coming true. I thought back to that first day of shop in high school, how I had been just as nervous then as I was on my first day at NPCT. Tomorrow would be just another step to reaching my goal.
My classmates and I sat and talked about where we might be going and what teams we could be working for. The hum of excited deep voices echoed through the cement block room. The resonance made me flinch a little, still affected from my bad dream. As much as I loved this group of guys, some of their voices reminded me of Todd’s; especially the higher pitched ones. Days like today were hard for me to handle.
“You alright, Toni?” Steve asked. Steve was a nice guy and a damn good mechanic. He was on my team for the last challenge and we had worked well together. Sweet and down to earth, but he had a voice that sent chills down my spine. He just sounded too much like Todd; it was hard for me to discern the difference sometimes. Other than his voice, Steve was quite different. He was kind and easygoing, I had no doubt he would treat any woman he loved with respect. He’d made it abundantly clear he was attracted to me over the past year, but he respected my no dating rule. We talked at length about it one night when he came to visit me at the bar while I worked. I shared a little of my past with him, so he understood why I would shy away sometimes.
“I’m good, Steve. It was just a rough night.”
He looked sympathetically and nodded. “Bad dreams?” When I nodded, he smirked just a little. A teasing glint lit up his eyes. “I’d be happy to chase those nightmares away, if you wanted.”
The smirk and the teasing tone calmed me. He wasn’t hitting on me, not really anyway. He was just trying to calm me down, much like Jake and Cade did when I was worked up.
“In your dreams, buddy. This girl can take care of herself. No knight in shining armor for me.” Steve’s smile widened, and he was about to say something more when the door opened.
Roger, our instructor, came into the room and immediately everyone hushed. We all knew what was next and our excitement was palpable as it grew through the room. Roger was a retired crew chief for one of the most famous racecar drivers of all time. He had mostly graying hair, his wizened face was careworn, and his eyes held a wealth of knowledge and understanding. Roger had more knowledge about racecars than anyone I’d ever met. He loved to share stories of what he liked to call his ‘glory days’ and he loved to share what he knew with all of us. Unlike the guys, he did treat me a little differently. He seemed to expect more from me. He challenged me both mentally and physically. He’d always say half of working on a car was mental. You had to be able to figure out the problem before you could fix it. He told me figuring out the problem was my strongest asset. I could often ferret out issues before I loosened even one bolt.
“All right fellas. Let’s get goin’.” He waited a moment, looking around the room at the group, making eye contact with each one of us in turn. He smiled a warm, fatherly smile. “First, I’d like to tell y’all how proud I am of you. Y’all are some of the best mechanics and engineers I’ve trained in all my years of doin’ this. This group’ll be my most successful, I know it.”
“That’s ‘cause Toni’s here,” Steve shouted, smirking at me. I just shook my head and scowled at him. This was his way of distracting me and helping me to clear my head.
“Well, someone had to carry your sorry ass,” I shot back.
Shouts of mocking
and sarcastic comments came flying across the room as Steve pretended to fall over, shot in the heart. I laughed at his ridiculous actions. I wished I could like him, but there was nothing but friendship there. There was never anything more than friendship with anyone.
Roger shook his head, exasperated with us all. “Maybe I lied. I can’t wait ‘til y’all get the hell outta here.” His grin was wide as he looked around. “The twenty teams y’all will be placed with are ready and waiting for y’all to arrive. They each have information about their interns including your grades, your strengths and weaknesses, and whatever other information we felt was pertinent.” He looked at me with that last bit. I knew he would have to let the crew know I was female. I expected that, but apprehension struck me as I realized teams might not have wanted me because of my gender.
“Like the fact Toni’s a chick?” Steve interjected.
“Somethin’ like that,” Roger said with a smile. “What I’m gonna have y’all do is come to my office individually to get your packet of information and any other things the teams wanted you to have. We’ll discuss some ins and outs and you can be on your way. Y’all are to report to your teams first thing tomorrow mornin’. They’re preparin’ for the start of the new season, so your presence will be helpful. Don’t forget, you are an intern. You’ll do whatever’s asked of you. If someone wants coffee and they ask you, you get it. You will be doin’ the grunt work no one else wants or likes to do. You have to pay your dues. Understood?”
We all nodded, but none of us was happy about it. I was especially terrified because yet again, I would have to prove myself to a bunch of guys, but I wouldn’t be able to if I was off getting coffee and donuts for the team. The only way I would be able to make an impression would be if I could get under the hood of a car and show them what I can do. I understood the need to pay my dues, and I wanted that opportunity no matter what.
Roger left for his office and we all filed out of the room to our break area. There were pinball machines, a pool table, a television with a gaming system, and other things to keep a bunch of twenty-something guys busy. We all sat around, some talked while others played the various games. I picked up a book and read. I needed to empty my mind of my restless night and what was about to happen. Books were the best way for me to relax and calm myself. Transporting myself away for just a while was a welcome distraction. My current book was transporting me to the land of Greek and Roman demigods, gods, and goddesses. I liked a world where the underdog became the hero and the least likely guy was the most powerful of all. This black haired, green-eyed demigod was my favorite book boyfriend.
“Ya know, Toni, you’re a grease monkey. You ain’t supposed to be a book geek too,” Joe teased from the pool table. He leaned his thin, muscular frame over the table and sunk the cue ball into the pocket.
“I just don’t feel like kickin’ your ass at pool, again. I’ve taken enough of your money this semester. Jenny’s gonna kill me if I keep takin’ your money.”
“Jenny don’t control me,” he growled. I laughed because we both knew it was a lie. His girlfriend Jenny was sweet, kind, and had him completely wrapped around her little finger.
When it was finally my turn, I reluctantly placed my book in my bag and slowly walked to Roger’s office. I was excited before, but now I realized it was possible that he wanted to do this privately because no one wanted a woman. That thought was like a shot to the stomach.
I knocked on his door and pushed it open. Roger sat on the other side of his old wooden teacher’s desk. The thing looked like it was a hundred years old. It was discolored from years of wear and tear. One of the legs was missing and being held up with a brick and there were grease stains all over. The rest of the office was sparse. A few posters of cars and teams, several pictures of what I presumed were his family. The picture that stood out the most was the picture of Kyle Redding, Julius Fuller, Axel Turner, and Roger. I knew this picture well, it was Axel’s and Roger’s last season opener and Kyle’s and Julius’ first in the Sprint Cup series. It was one of my favorite pictures.
“Have a seat, Toni,” he said with a smile. I hoped his smile was a good thing because my stomach was flipping and turning over with nervousness. “Well Toni, it’s been an interesting three and a half years with you. You know I’m an old timer, so when I saw a girl’s name on my roster I wasn’t happy. And I’ll be honest, when I saw you, I was even less happy. You are a beautiful young lady and I worried you’d distract the boys.”
I looked at him, surprise plastered across my face. My mouth hung open in shock at his words. I never would have guessed he had a problem with my presence. I didn’t say a word; I sat there and tried desperately not to allow the feeling of despair to pull me under. I didn’t want to know this and I was now even more terrified of what he was going to tell me.
He snickered, “The look on your face tells me you weren’t expecting to hear my honesty.” I shook my head. No, I never expected he would tell me this, but I couldn’t verbalize anything at the moment. “I’m not telling you this to upset you, but I wanted you to know what you were up against when you walked in here. I know you understood you’d have the guys to contend with, but I bet you didn’t expect a chauvinistic pig as a teacher.” He snickered a little at his comment. I knew the teachers could be my worst enemies, but Roger never once let me see it. I was more shocked at his professionalism and his ability to hide his true feelings. Then he continued, “Anyway, I must tell you, you exceeded my every expectation. You’ll do well in this field and with this internship. You’re ready.”
Relief flooded through me as he continued to talk. I’d proven myself. I was proud of what I’d accomplished so far and hearing I was ready from this iconic man made me exceedingly happy. “You think I’m ready?” I asked in a small voice.
“Certainly. That’s why you’re being placed with one of the top teams in the circuit. You’ll be interning with crew chief Kyle Redding on Julius Fuller’s number fifty-five car.”
My heart stopped, Julius Fuller was one of the best drivers out there at the moment. He came off a winning truck series career. His rookie season he had a breakout year and won rookie of the year in the Sprint Cup series. Over the last few years, he had been in contention for the series championship, but last year a couple late season wrecks killed his chances. Everyone believed he would be in contention for the championship once again, and I was getting to work on his team. He was said to have a horrible temper and rumor was he could be impossible to work with, so I worried about that. However, my biggest fear was because I’d crushed on this guy since his truck racing days. I’d always dreamed of meeting him. But now I didn’t know if I wanted to. What if I couldn’t see past my crush?
Roger continued, not seeming to notice my building panic. “Kyle has been provided with as much information about you and your abilities as possible. He knows you were crew chief for the winning team in the car build challenge. That’s what earned you this opportunity. Your ability to delegate work, think through problems, and then fix them, is what helped your team to win the challenge and why Kyle requested you as his intern.”
Once again my heart stopped. “He requested me? Why would he request me? I didn’t know they could request interns.”
“Every team has the opportunity, but most don’t take it. They usually allow us to place our students with the teams we feel will be the best fit. But upon reading your information, Kyle was insistent, and of course he’s just as willful and stubborn as his father,” he said with a grin.
Then something dawned on me. “Wait, Kyle’s your son, right? Why would he want me when he could have the best in the class?” I asked.
He smiled. “Yes he is. He also knows what it takes to impress this old fool. You managed not only to impress your classmates and the other instructors, but you impressed me. Kyle knows if someone impresses me, they are damn good at what they do. You have the mind of a crew chief, not many of our students show that ability. So as soon as Kyle realized, he
told me he wanted you as his intern. And just in case you hadn’t noticed, you are one of the best in the class, Toni.”
I was stunned. I didn’t know what to say or do. I was going to intern with one of the best crew chiefs in the business, with one of the best drivers ever to get behind the wheel of a car. Roger smiled at my shock. “You alright there, girl?” he asked with a snicker.
“I … I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t need to say anything. Report to Fuller’s garage tomorrow morning by eight o’clock sharp and be ready to work. They’re gonna challenge you in every way possible, so be ready. Not many women make it this far into the program and none has been as close as to work one-on-one with a crew chief. Be proud of yourself and prove this old fogy still knows what he’s talking about.”
I nodded, took my things and turned toward the door. “Thanks Roger. I won’t let you down.”
“I know, Antonia. See you in a few weeks.”
Chapter Two
Toni
I ran out into the bitter cold but didn’t feel a thing. I wasn’t thinking about the cold or the biting wind as I hurried across the parking lot. I was too excited. My future, a future which was once almost out of reach, was now just in my grasp. Tomorrow, I would no longer be Toni the student or Toni the wanna-be mechanic, I would be Toni the NASCAR crew member. My stomach churned with nervousness and my hands trembled slightly, but I was more excited than I’d ever been for anything in my life.
Jumping into my truck, I immediately dialed my father as I turned the engine to warm the interior. I had to call him and give him the news. It was times like this I wished he were closer. I wished I could go to him and celebrate my exciting news with him. Times like this, I also missed my momma terribly. My sadness cleared the moment I heard my daddy’s voice reverberate through the phone. His deep and soulful voice was always a soothing sound for me. Just his voice calmed the nervousness flooding me. I smiled and breathed deeply, relaxing into the warmth of my seat.
