by Shelly Davis
“I’m twenty-three, why?” she asked. There was an intensity in her eyes. She was pissed. I liked feeling her passion, even if it was in the form of rage directed toward me.
“Well, a guy at twenty-three, more than likely, just wants to get his dick wet any way he can. They’re arrogant and pigheaded. Whereas a man that’s older tends to realize women ain’t playthings and they treat women with more respect.” After I said all of this, I looked at Ky and he smirked at me. I couldn’t hide anything from Kyle, I never could. I didn’t know why I cared and I didn’t know what my intentions were, but my mind was flying with possibilities and they all involved Toni.
“Whatever,” she murmured. “I guess that’s why you’re seen with a different woman every time you step out.” She immediately smacked her hand over her mouth and looked horrified. Well, I guess someone was checking up on my life and me.
“Just because I’m with different women, doesn’t mean I don’t respect them. I don’t lie, cheat, or disrespect them. I’m upfront and honest. Just because you read some bullshit online doesn’t mean you know me,” I growled.
“I’m so sorry, Mr. Fuller. I didn’t mean …”
“Julius, Toni. My name is Julius.” I looked back down at the book. “What do these words mean?” I asked.
“What words?” she asked, gesturing toward the book in my hands.
“There was a part of a poem written on this page. What does it mean?” I asked.
“Nothing. Can I have my book back now?”
“No,” I said, pulling the brim of my baseball hat down so my eyes were hidden. I fixed my gaze on the book and refused to look up again. It was obvious this girl had been hurt, but she seemed to have hope the hurt would someday go away. At least that’s what I was reading into her words, but I wanted to know what made her so guarded. She obviously wanted something but wasn’t allowing herself to find it for some reason.
“Oookay …” Kyle drug out. “Anyway Toni. Tell me, when’s the last time you had a boyfriend?” Why the fuck was he pushing this conversation with her? Now I was getting pissed off. Wasn’t it obvious to him, she didn’t want to share? Or maybe it was only me she didn’t want to talk to.
“Kyle, I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but this isn’t somethin’ I wanna talk about.”
“Why not?” he pushed. I glanced up and could see her frustration and sadness.
She sighed as if she realized she would have to give him something to stop his questioning. I still wanted to know what his angle was. Why he was so insistent on this line of questioning, I didn’t know. She squared her shoulders and turned to Kyle. “Because it was a long time ago. My past is in the past and I’d like to leave it there.”
Kyle didn’t push anymore, and neither did I. Then words written on another page caught my eyes …
This impractical isolation,
Making me insane.
Hoping I will escape
My self-induced solitude.
To finally be free …
Some experience or some person affected this woman drastically. I understood pain. The soul devouring pain, eating at you every day of your life. There wasn’t a single day over the past five years that I didn’t think about the baby that may or may not have been mine. Or the life I could have had with Anna. I felt like her death was my fault. But then I was also angry because she took everything from me that day. All I ever wanted was a family, but Anna saw fit to take it all from me. Thinking about my own pain, made me curious about Toni. What happened to force her to build walls and isolate her heart from ever feeling pain again? The thought of some asshole hurting Toni caused a reaction I wasn’t quite expecting, but it was there. Fury … Blind fury built in my gut as all of the possibilities burned through my brain. I pushed them down though. I couldn’t let her see me react to what my gut was telling me. She didn’t need to see my anger; she might misread it for instability.
~oOo~
Once the plane was in the air for about half an hour, it was clear Toni had fallen asleep. She seemed exhausted.
“Did I just completely fuck up or what?” Kyle asked after a while.
“No, man. You didn’t fuck up. They were honest questions. She has issues that apparently run deeper than you coulda known.” I turned the book in my hands toward him and gestured to the last words she had written. I never turned the page, only focused on the words—what they could mean. She had clearly built walls to protect herself, but she was obviously not happy about her solitude. She wanted to feel and be part of the world again, but maybe she didn’t know how. Maybe I could help her. What the fuck am I thinking?
It doesn't hurt anymore, that's just how it goes
I can cope; survive as long as the world never knows
Keep my cards to my chest and my true feelings very near
But you are getting more powerful, your greatest weapon; my fear
“What the hell does it even mean?” Kyle asked.
“I’ve read this poem before. I don’t remember who wrote it, but it was something Margie read and connected with when she went through all that shit in college. An abused woman wrote it, I think. It talks about how women hide the abuse because they’re ashamed or think they’ll be blamed but it just makes the abuser more powerful when they keep things quiet.”
Kyle seemed to take this all in. He sighed and then looked me in the eyes, “Did I fuck up by bringin’ her on? Maybe she’s not right, maybe …”
“No, she can handle the job,” I said cutting him off. “She’s a mechanic who you say can bring nothin’ but good things to our team. So let her. Nothin’ but the job matters.” But was it true? I didn’t feel the words I said. But I wasn’t supposed to care about anything but the job. Her personal life should have nothing to do with what went on in the garage. As long as she could make my car run the way it was supposed to, we shouldn’t care about anything else. But something about her drew me in and made me care. I wanted to know what the hell some asshat did to fuck her up so bad.
“So what do you think about the cars?” I asked trying to change the subject. Ky was my best friend. We’d been through more shit together than I’d ever want to admit. He was around when my world came crashing down around me. He helped me pick up the pieces and find my way again. I knew he worried this girl could trigger something in me, but I didn’t care. I needed to keep her around. There was just something about her …
“You sure ya want to know?” he asked with a smirk. When I just nodded his smile widened. “Put it to you this way. I have the contract in my bag. Accordin’ to Tom, the car is runnin’ like a beast. He drove it on our track back home and said he was ready to come in his shorts at the sheer power he felt in this thing. You’re gonna be drivin’ her car in two weeks, I’m sure of it.”
I snickered at his remark about Tom. “Tom does get off on power, doesn’t he?”
Ky laughed, “Yeah, he does. The prick loves gettin’ off on it. No wonder he’s never been married.”
We both laughed but said nothing more. It was obvious we both had a lot on our minds. This race, this season was going to be full of changes and obstacles, I wasn’t sure either of us were quite prepared. We both knew Toni was more than just a good mechanic brought in to help us out in the garage, she was going to bring us a shit ton of attention as well. I knew the attention could be spun in a good way, but it could also turn dreadful. One bad race, one issue in the pits and the media would be all over her.
“What are we gonna do if the damn media attacks her?” Ky said after a few moments of silence. “We both know this could be a huge problem.”
“Yeah, I know,” I sighed. “We’ll deal as best as we can. We need to prepare her for what can come. For the shit-storm that’s bound to happen when they learn about her. They’re gonna be relentless and they’re gonna be out for a story, no matter how much we try to shield her from it. You know the first fuck-up and they’ll be ready to fuckin’ hang her out to dry. We gotta make sure we’re on the same page with t
his shit so she don’t get blamed for anything.”
“Yeah, I know. I just wish we could fuckin’ shield her from this shit like we can with most of the other guys. But she’s gonna be the story of the year. The first female workin’ in the capacity of a crew chief is gonna be as big as the first female driver was a few years ago. Look what they did to her; she couldn’t do anything right as far as the fuckin’ media was concerned.”
“Well, we’ll keep her from it for as long as we can. But it probably won’t be long. I figure by Daytona there won’t be any hidin’ her.”
“Shit,” Ky grumbled. “This is the part of the job I hate. It fuckin’ sucks monkey balls.”
“No shit, man.” I shook my head and tried to clear away the thoughts of the media and their relentlessness.
The next twenty minutes were relatively quiet. After a while, Ky’s deep breathing became a slight snore and I knew he was sleeping. I enjoyed the quiet time. I used it to observe the sleeping girl in my plane. She was the first woman ever to fly in my plane with me. But she wasn’t with me. For some reason though, I kind of liked the idea of her being here. In my little interaction with her, I’ve come to find she was opinionated, confident, and strong. But I’d also found her to be timid, vulnerable, and she worried about everything. I’ve similarly noticed she tended to shy away from contact with people and she flinched if someone moved too fast around her. I worried about what that meant.
I sat there for a long time, just enjoying the quiet, thinking about my life. I weighed every event, each fucked up part and every blessing, no matter how small. I loved my life and my career, but I longed for the life I wanted years ago. I yearned for a life full of love and family and friends. I was tired of the one-night stands and the quick fucks in random hotel rooms in whatever city we were racing. I was tired of the women who only wanted to be with me because of who I am. I was weary of how fake they could be. None of them ever actually wanted to know me; they just wanted the famous driver.
I still held Toni’s book in my hand. The book held her personal thoughts and feelings in its pages. I thought about all of the bad and all of the good things I’ve experienced in my life. I thought about the bad this girl may have experienced. Then I thought about how I was drawn to her. Not just for her beauty but for her as a person. She was real, more real than any woman I’d ever met. This girl had a fire in her and it was obvious someone tried to snuff it out, but it was still there behind the hurt and the self-doubt. Her spirit came out the first night we met when I challenged her and I would do everything I could to continue to confront her in order to see her passion again.
“You look so deep in thought,” a familiar melodic voice cut through my musing, making me turn my head from the window.
“It’s nothin’,” I tried a smile, but I knew it looked forced.
“Look, I’m sorry about my attitude earlier. I just don’t like talkin’ about my past.”
“No worries, I get that. I’m not the most open person either.” I paused for a moment, looking down at the book again. “I noticed there are things written in your book, did you write them?” I asked. I didn’t want to push, but I wanted to know about her.
She sighed and looked down; she always seemed to have a hard time meeting my eyes. “Some of them, they’re just little thoughts that make their way into my world while I’m readin’ sometimes. Some are things I wrote, some are poems others have written. I love to read. It’s just how I deal, I guess. My therapist says readin’ is cathartic and it allows me to work through things I usually push aside.”
I watched her cringe as if she regretted what she said. I was starting to understand her a little more, but I wondered if her difficulties were from family instead of a boyfriend. She said her last relationship ended badly, but it doesn’t automatically mean abuse.
“So where’re you from?” I asked, seemingly trying to change the subject. I watched her shoulders relax and she seemed grateful I didn’t acknowledge what she just said.
“Shady Falls. It’s about an hour and a half north of Mooresville.”
“How’d you become a mechanic? Seems kind of an odd profession for a girl.”
She beamed, it was the biggest smile that I’d seen on her so far, and it was beautiful. “I blame my dad. I grew up in his garage with a bunch of mechanics around all of the time. I played with wrenches instead of dolls. He handed me my first single cylinder engine when I was ten. He’s amazing.” Her eyes lit up with affection and happiness as she talked. It was obvious those were happy memories, happy times.
Well, guess it wasn’t her father who hurt her. The look in her eyes told me her father was the single most important person in her life. She couldn’t hide how much she cared for her father. Margie got the same look when she talked about Kyle or our mother. Love … Nothing but love. “What’s your mom think about that?” I asked.
Her smile fell some. “My mom passed when I was eight. She was a truly awesome woman though, she probably would’ve loved it ‘cause she wasn’t the girly type anyway.”
“I’m sorry, that has to have been tough. Especially growin’ up with just your father.”
She smiled and said, “It wasn’t so bad. I had Jake and Cade, and their parents. Their mom did her best to be a motherly figure. And then there were all the mechanics who just treated me like a little angel. It used to make Cade and Jake so mad. I could get away with murder and they got blamed for everythin’.”
“Do you have any pictures of your parents?” I asked. I wasn’t sure what drove me to want to see a picture of her mother, but I was curious. I almost regretted asking until I saw her light up even more. Her smile lit up her face as she pulled out her phone and scrolled through for a few moments before presenting me with a picture of what I assumed was her mother and father. She looked exactly like her mother, same face, same build, and same beauty, Toni was just taller and had darker hair. Her father was huge, at least from what I could see in this picture. Judging by Toni’s height, I was probably right. “She’s beautiful. You look just like her,” I remarked simply. I scrolled through a few more pictures and saw her with her father and one of her with Jake and Cade Hanson. They were a family, you could see the affection there, but it was familial and nothing more.
“Thanks, she was a wonderful mom. Even when she was sick and in pain, she was just incredible.” She paused for a moment; her eyes seemed misty and had a faraway look. But then she composed herself again and her grin returned. “How about you? You have family around?”
“Nope, I was created in a lab.” I looked at her sheepishly, prompting a gentle smile. “Of course. My mother is pretty great, she lives in Tennessee and I have an older sister who lives in Mooresville.”
“What about your father?”
I just shook my head. “My father took off when I was a kid. I don’t know him, and don’t care to either.”
“Please fasten your seatbelts and put your seats in their upright positions. We will be making our descent into Daytona momentarily.”
“Should we wake Kyle?” Toni asked. She didn’t ask any more about my family but that wasn’t a surprise. It wouldn’t have mattered had she tried; I had no more information about my father. I’d heard my father died several years ago and I had no connection with his family. My mom and my sister were the most important people in my world. It had been just the three of us for most of my life.
“Please, allow me.” I grinned at her and threw what was left of my ice cubes at him. He jumped and growled at me.
“What the fuck, man?”
“Time to land, asshole.”
Toni giggled. I liked the sound; it reminded me of a long time ago when I was happy and in love; before my world fell apart.
Chapter Seven
Toni
For a moment on the plane, Julius seemed like just any other guy. He was nice and seemed to be genuinely interested in getting to know me. I knew he heard my comment about a therapist, but he didn’t ask. He just kept on with the conver
sation, calming me. I was comfortable with him, much like I was talking to an old friend. I slipped and let a little more information out than I intended. Maybe my assumptions about him were wrong. Maybe he wasn’t some big prick.
We exited the plane and walked to a waiting car where we would be ushered off to the track. We would spend time inspecting the cars to make sure they were ready for testing. As we walked, Kyle gave me the rundown on our schedule.
“So, Toni. The guys should already be there getting everything ready. Their plane arrived a couple hours ago. We’ll go and make sure all is well, then tonight there’s a dinner with Axel and Icecore. We’re all required to attend,” Kyle said as we walked to the waiting car.
“Wait … A dinner? You didn’t say anything about a dinner. I didn’t pack anything appropriate for a dinner,” I complained as Kyle opened the door for me. I felt myself panic. I had jeans and t-shirts; that was it. I sighed, frustrated. I wished he would have warned me, I don’t have many, but I do have a few nice dresses at home. One of them would have been suitable.
“Great!” a female voice said as I climbed into the back of the SUV. “We can go shopping.” Already sitting inside was Margie, Kyle’s wife. She had a huge smile on her face as if shopping was the best news ever. “We have a few things to take care of at the track, but then we can go.”
I smiled at Margie. She reminded me a lot of Mia. She was sweet and kind, beautiful and fun. “What’re you doin’ here?” I asked.
“I usually travel when Ky travels. Figure I won’t be doin’ much travelin’ pretty soon. Once this belly gets too big, I won’t be doin’ much of anything.”
She rubbed her flat stomach for a moment and her comment finally clicked in my head. I looked at her, shocked. “You’re pregnant?”
She smiled even more hugely. “Yep, just found out about two weeks ago or so. Been dyin’ to tell someone.”
