by Shelly Davis
“Maybe … Maybe we should go inside,” she whispered.
I stood there, her hand in mine for another moment. It took all of my willpower not to pull her into me but instead release her hand. “Yeah, that’s a good idea. I’m starved.”
I’m in trouble with this girl, more than I realized. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to stay away from her. For the first time in a long time, I think I want more.
Chapter Twelve
Toni
I’ve never felt so nervous in my entire life. All he did was hold my hand and help me down from his truck. But it was like I was going on my first date or like I was going to be in charge of the entire five hundred or something. I wasn’t even this nervous when I started at Fuller Enterprises. I loved how his hand felt wrapped around mine. My hand was small in his and was lost as he helped me down. I stood on the ground, only inches separating us. My heart pounded, threatening to escape my chest. I had to force myself to look at him, and I wished I hadn’t. The moment his mahogany colored eyes locked with mine, I felt like I would burst. I was acutely aware of his body so close to mine, his heat radiating from him in the cold February evening. He leaned in slightly, and for a moment, I was both terrified and desperately desiring physical contact. The feelings warred in me as I stood almost paralyzed, trapped by his gaze.
I had to look away, but it was harder than it seemed. I’d never met anyone who’s had this kind of effect on me. I was lost in the depths of his brown eyes. We weren’t touching other than with our hands, but his gaze alone felt like a caress all over my body, locking me to him. Never did Todd make me feel anything like this and no guy before or since him either. Somehow, Julius made me feel safe and made me forget. For the first time in years, I didn’t hear Todd’s venomous voice in my head. I didn’t feel so inadequate. For the first time, I actually felt wanted. No one has ever made me feel that way; no one has ever made me forget. Until now.
I broke our connection when I lowered my eyes to his shoulder. I had to gain some sense again, but I was transfixed by the perfection of his body. Never before had I ever wanted to press into someone or allow myself to be engulfed by him as I did now. His black leather coat fit his broad shoulders perfectly. It highlighted his immense frame almost as well as his fire suit did. I shivered slightly and I wasn’t sure if it was due to the cold or his proximity. But it was enough to bring me to my senses enough to speak. “Maybe … Maybe we should go inside,” I whispered.
We stood there, my hand still in his. The silence spread between us. He released my hand, reached up, and took the piece of hair that blew across my face. He ran his fingers along the smooth length before securing it behind my ear. He looked down at me and sighed, “Yeah, that’s a good idea. I’m starved.”
We walked together into the bar where my Uncle Bobby stood and waited. He smiled hugely when we walked in. My uncle was a lot like my dad in many ways, similar hulking frame, similar salt and pepper hair, the biggest difference was my dad had a long beard and was a bit round around the middle. Uncle Bobby was just about as tall as my dad, around six and a half feet, but he had a shaved head and only a little facial hair. He was also not round at all. My uncle spent hours every day working out, so he was built quite like the twins. Both my dad and my uncle were incredibly intimidating men and they loved to show off just how intimidating they could be. So color me shocked when Julius and I walked into the bar and my uncle didn’t go straight into protective mode.
Uncle Bobby walked around the bar, extending his hand toward Julius. “Julius, nice to see you again. How’s my girl doin’?”
Julius shook his hand. “Good, Bobby. She’s doin’ better than anyone could have imagined, actually.”
“No surprise there,” Uncle Bobby said. “She’s been tinkerin’ with things since she could hold a wrench. Her momma thought she’d gotten a little girl, imagine her surprise when this one refused any kind of dolls or dress-up. She blamed the Rizzo DNA.” He laughed; he loved to tell stories about how my momma tried to get me to be more girly, but even when I was little it never worked. His stories used to make me sad, but then I realized it was his way of keeping her alive for me. He loved to tell me about how she refused to date my daddy at first and how she avoided his pursuit.
Julius smiled. “Well, lucky for me she’s on my team. I’m expectin’ to do well in Daytona because of Toni.”
“My Antonia is special,” Uncle Bobby said in complete seriousness. His eyes locked with Julius’. “You make sure y’all take care of her travelin’ around the country.”
“Uncle Bobby, I’m fine,” I tried to argue. Everyone around me was so protective. Sometimes it made me nuts.
“No, Antonia,” Julius said. I loved the way he said my full name. It used to make me mad when people other than my dad and uncle said it. In Todd’s mouth, it had turned into a curse. But when Julius said my full name, it made my heart race. I felt like he had the power to erase all of the bad associations that came with hearing my full name. “He’s right.” He looked at my uncle. “I’ll personally make sure Antonia is well taken care of.”
I thought for sure I was going to hyperventilate. I didn’t think my heart could take any more of the assault it took every time I was around Julius Fuller. There was no doubt in my mind that I was infatuated with the man. Leave it to me to start to fall for the most unattainable guy that I’ve ever met.
“Well,” I said, trying to break up their little conversation. My uncle seemed completely satisfied that Julius was taking personal responsibility for me. But I didn’t want anyone taking pity on me, least of all Julius Fuller. “We’re gonna go eat our food before it gets too cold.”
I grabbed at the bag, but Julius took it before I could. I led the way out of the bar to the garage that stood on the adjacent property. Walking to my door, I wondered what I was doing. I haven’t been alone with a man for years. I haven’t allowed any man to get even remotely close to me in any personal way. But here I was, walking into my empty apartment, alone, with the only man who has been able to spark any kind of genuine reaction from me. I knew deep down this was a bad idea. Letting him get close to me was a bad idea, because, inevitably, he would hurt me and I didn’t know if I could handle that.
“We can eat at the table,” I said, leading the way to the kitchen. “Would you like somethin’ to drink? I have soda and beer.”
“I’ll take a beer, please.”
I pulled out two bottles of beer and handed one over to him while I took a drink of the other. I gathered plates, utensils, and napkins for us to use, keeping my eyes down as I passed him his plate. I was having a hard time thinking about what to talk about, hell I was having a hard time looking at him. I continued to busy myself with nothing while he sat down to eat. I didn’t know why I was so hung up on putting dishes away from the dishwasher, but I just couldn’t seem to relax with him in my space.
He touched my arm. Startled, I flinched away. A reaction from my past, even after all this time I couldn’t always control my reaction to surprise. I looked up at him and could see the alarm in his eyes. “Hey,” he said gently, his soothing voice calming me. “We have everything we need. Just come sit with me and eat. Our food is gettin’ cold.”
I nodded, “Yeah, sorry. Just habit I guess.” I couldn’t look at him as I sat and unwrapped my food. I wanted to relax, but I couldn’t. I liked that he was there, but then again, it made me more nervous than I’ve ever been around a man. What if he betrayed my trust? What if he made me regret inviting him into my home?
“So tell me about yourself.”
He startled me out of my thoughts with his request. “Like what? You know about me.”
He grinned. A crooked smile that melted my heart. “I want know about Antonia, the girl. Not Toni, the mechanic. I know about that part. I want to know the other part.”
I sighed; I didn’t even think I knew who Antonia was anymore. She used to be bold and daring. She used to be fearless. But Todd killed that girl.
“Tell me what you like to do. Tell me about things you do just for fun or just for the hell of it. Tell me about your mom.”
A smile spread across my face. Most people were too afraid to ask about my mom once they found out she died. It used to make me sad to talk about her, but reminiscing kept her fresh in my mind. I often thought about her, but it was always nice sharing my memories. “My momma was amazin’. You’d think she had everythin’ she could ever want. She was never unhappy. She always looked on the bright side of things. Even when the cancer was killin’ her, she still was optimistic. She still smiled and enjoyed life. She always made me feel like I was the most important thing in the world to her.”
“Do you have any more pictures of her?” he asked. I knew I showed him a photo on my phone, but it was a poor picture. I took a picture from my living room and handed it to him. He looked at the photograph for a few long moments, seemingly studying the image in front of him. “Wow, she’s beautiful,” he whispered. “Do you know how much you look like her? It’s uncanny. I’ve never seen a mother and daughter look so much alike before.”
“Do you really think she was beautiful?” I asked quietly.
“Yes, Toni.” He looked at the picture of my mom, dad, and me when I was eight years old. He seemed to study it. “You were a little tomboy weren’t you?”
I smiled and took the picture from his hand. “Right before this picture was taken; Cade, Jake, and I had a competition to see who could jump over this big mud puddle. We were at a local stream, trout fishing and of course we were eight, so sitting for that long was out of the question.” I laughed a little remembering. “Anyway there was this huge puddle that we decided to jump over. Needless to say, I didn’t make it.” The picture of my dad with a fish on his fishing rod, my mom laughing while holding a mud-covered little girl with a dark ponytail and a huge smile. “It wasn’t long after this that my mother started her chemotherapy.” I placed the picture on the table.
“It looks like it was a fun day,” Julius said. He looked almost sad but then he smiled again. “Margie and I used to do stuff like that too. Of course if Marg got that dirty, she wouldn’t have been smiling she would have been havin’ a fit.” He looked down at the picture again. “You have your mother’s smile.”
I looked at him, surprised. A smile crossed my face again. I liked being compared to my mother. It made me sad but it felt good to talk about her and keep her spirit alive.
Julius gently placed the picture back in my hand. “Thank you for introducing me to your mother.”
“Thank you,” I whispered. “It’s nice talking about her.”
We sat in silence for a few minutes, eating our food. My mind wandered. I thought about my mom and dad. I thought about how sweet and kind Julius seemed to be. I also thought about Julius complimenting my mother then saying how much I looked like her. He said she was beautiful. Did that mean he thought I was also? Was he complimenting me? I continued to consume the food in front of me, not tasting any of it, totally lost in my thoughts.
“Hey, where’d you go?” Julius said, bringing out of my thoughts.
“What?” I asked, confused.
“You looked like you were somewhere else. Where’d you go?”
I shook my head. I couldn’t tell him I was thinking about him. “Nothing. I wasn’t anywhere. I was just thinking about my mom.”
He smiled. “So, you told me about your family. Tell me somethin’ about you.”
“There’s nothin’ to know about me. I’m pretty boring.” The words came out in a whisper. I couldn’t seem to make myself focus on anything other than his words.
“I’d be willing to bet there’s lots to know about you. Let’s see, I’ll list what I already know and then you can fill in the blanks. You’re an awesome engineer and mechanic, you’ve got extremely protective friends and family, you like to read, you write in your books, and you’re beautiful as hell. What else should I know?”
I looked up at him, surprised. He just said I was beautiful, again. What the hell was he looking at? I was far from beautiful. Todd’s cruel and vindictive words flashed in my memory. He made damn sure I knew just how ugly he thought I was. Why would Julius think anything different? I couldn’t figure out why he would be so nice to me. I tried to ignore my raging thoughts and focus on his question. He wanted to know about me, but I wasn’t willing to share. “Jules, there’s nothin’ special about me, I promise.”
He smiled hugely at me. A look that melted my heart. I’d do bad things to see that look directed at me every day. “You called me Jules. You’ve never called me Jules before. I think you’re startin’ to get comfortable with me. That’s a good sign.”
I had no idea what that meant, so I called him Jules. It was just a name. But it was a nickname only a few people called him, the people who were closest to him. Did that mean I felt close to him? But how could I? We hardly knew each other. “It didn’t mean anything. I shouldn’t have called you that, I’m sorry.”
“I liked it,” he smiled, grinning. He stared at me for a few moments. I tried hard not to look away, but he made every atom in my body explode in feeling just from his gaze. He broke eye contact first when he took a bite of his food. We remained quiet for a few long moments. I was having a hard time getting a grip on this conversation and myself. How in the hell did I get myself into this situation?
“Tell me something, Toni,” he pushed, “what do you like to do for fun?”
I sat and thought. I then realized it had been so long since I did anything just because it was fun, I wasn’t sure what I liked to do anymore. “I like to read and work out,” I said lamely.
He nodded and smiled. He seemed to toss my words around before her responded. “That’s not quite what I was thinking about. I’m talking about things you do to have fun. Go dancing, hang out with friends, play sports, go to movies. You know things you do for fun, not to wind down and relax. Things you enjoy.”
“What?” I questioned. “Working out is fun and who wants to see a movie when the book is far better?” I felt like I was dodging his question, but I truly didn’t know how to answer it. The sad reality was I didn’t do anything just for fun. School, working at the bar, and this internship monopolized my time. There was nothing left just for fun.
“Come on, Toni. There has to be something you enjoy doing.”
“I don’t know, Julius,” I sighed. “Maybe hang out with my friends and have a beer? There isn’t much else.”
“You are a difficult woman to get to know. I can be patient though.”
I let out a long, drawn out breath. “There’s nothing to be patient for. I’m sure there are lots of girls out there that you could be spending your time figuring out. No need to waste your time on me.”
He leaned in and was within inches of my face, his eyes bore into mine, and his smile unnerved me. I could smell his clean, musky scent as it washed over me. On top of his handsome face and hard body, why did he have to smell good too? The gold flecks dancing in his deep brown eyes showed his amusement. I could feel the heat radiating from him as he captured me in his gaze and held me there. “I don’t wanna learn about other women, Antonia. I wanna know about you.” He whispered, “There are lots of girls who want me to pay attention to them. But I don’t care to know about those girls. There’s only one woman I’m interested in getting to know right now.”
Dumbly I asked, “Who?”
He didn’t answer, just sat back and silently finished his food. I looked down at my sandwich, realizing I hadn’t been paying any attention to my food. After a few minutes, he stood and gathered his dishes from the table.
“What’re you doin’?”
“Cleanin’ up. You were kind enough to have dinner with me. The least I can do is clean up.”
Standing, I didn’t want him to feel like he had to do anything for me. But then he placed his hand gently on my shoulder and pressed down until I sat back in my seat. He boxed me in with one hand on the table and one on the back of my
chair. He leaned in until he was again inches from my face. His movements should have terrified me. If it were anyone else, I probably would have been terrified, but I wasn’t afraid. I sat there and stared into his heated gaze as his brown eyes once again bore into mine. I was powerless to him. I just felt the excited leap of my heart.
“You ain’t doin’ anything but eatin’ right now. You’ve barely taken a bite. Eat; I can take care of my dishes. My momma taught me well.” I tried to argue, but he placed a finger on my lips to silence me. “Uh, uh, uh … No arguin’. I got this.”
I sat paralyzed as he stared into my eyes and dared me to defy him. I wanted to close the distance and kiss him. I wanted to back away, run and lock myself in my room, and hide until he left. But what I really wanted was for the tug-of-war between my mind and my heart to stop. I felt like I was being pulled in opposite directions between my fears and my desires. I wondered if I would ever be able to have a normal life and relationship ever again. Before meeting Julius, I didn’t realize how much what happened with Todd screwed with my head. I was never this indecisive—never. But now I didn’t know if I was coming or going.
He stood when I didn’t argue and gathered the dishes. I sat stunned, watching him place them in the dishwasher. He moved around my kitchen as though he belonged there. His physical and perceptual stature took up most of my kitchen as he wiped off the counter next to the sink and dried his hands. Seeing him in my space unnerved me because I quickly realized that I liked him there. I liked this man in my space, in my world. I nibbled on my food and contemplated my newest revelation while he continued to move around my kitchen. He seemed to seamlessly fit into my life, as if he belonged there. Knots formed in my gut as I watched him finish his task and return to me at the table.
