“Ugh! Smells like a locker room,” said Amy. “Moldy socks and Irish Spring.”
She stood from the carpet, brushed dog hairs from her blouse, and helped Philip to his feet. The ceiling in the cafe was higher than in the tiny entrance booth, and the dark-haired boy could stand without bending over.
“My word,” he said. “What manner of drinking establishment is this? Even French pubs aren’t this odd.”
Colorful squeeze toys covered the beige carpet of the long room and childish drawings in crayon had been taped to the walls next to snapshots of humans. Wide, human-sized couches and cushioned chairs stood around the edges of the room, leaving the center open. At the far end was a counter with a sliding window and a door marked “Private.”
All the toys and colorful decor made Amy think she’d walked into a day care center. Four adult humans lounged on sofas at the back of the room: two men and two women.
The men wore oversized t-shirts, baseball caps, and baggy cargo shorts that reached to their knees. In contrast to the sloppy, oversized apparel of the men, the pair of females wore tight plaid blouses and tiny jean shorts like it was some kind of country dance, their midriffs exposed and busts bulging like pairs of over-inflated balloons. All of the humans were barefoot, and each held a cat on his or her lap.
“People!” squealed the women.
The blonde and the brunette dumped the cats from their laps and ran across the room to Philip. The English teenager held out a hand in polite greeting, but he was tackled like a ball-carrier at an American football match. The blonde woman grabbed him around the neck and the brunette wrapped her arms around his waist.
“You little darling!”
“He’s so cute! Welcome!”
Dazed by the overpowering perfume and the pair of extremely busty ladies pressing their extreme busts against his person, Philip quite reasonably leaned back. “And … good morning to you.”
Amy crossed her arms. “Hello? Could you ladies please stop killing my boyfriend?”
The blonde squeezed Philip even harder and looked at Amy with big blue eyes.
“Killing him, honey? But I thought you came here for a hug.”
“Yeah!” said the brunette, batting her eyelashes. “Everybody loves a hug.”
Philip struggled to push the women away. “Actually … I don’t mean to be any trouble, of course, but I’d simply like a glass of water that doesn’t taste of fish. Nothing more, nothing less.”
The busty brunette rubbed her cheek across his shoulder. “Poor boy! I bet you haven’t had a hug in ages!”
An older man with dark gray hair approached Amy, his arms outstretched and a wide smile on his face. Amy ducked to the side and pushed against the man’s chest, doing her best imitation of a Heisman Trophy.
“Watch your hands, mister! I know kung fu.”
The man dropped his arms and smiled. “I’m sorry. Did we get off on the wrong foot? Let’s start again. My name is Cuddles. My blonde ladyfriend is called Princess, and my other ladyfriend is Angel.”
“Charmed,” said the brunette, and gave Amy a big smile.
The busty blonde puckered her lips and kissed the air. “Love ya!”
“These girls are over the top,” said Amy. “This can’t be real.”
“It’s as real as rain,” said Cuddles. “Have you been to a human café before?”
Amy shrugged. “Of course I’ve been to a café. Who hasn’t?”
“Great!”
Cuddles wrapped his big hairy arms around Amy and she kneed him in the crotch. The older man squealed and crumpled to the floor with his hands clutching the front of his shorts.
“Why?” he moaned.
Amy jabbed a finger at his nose. “Rule number one—don’t touch me unless I touch you first. Rule number two––see rule number one.”
“But those are my rules,” whispered Cuddles.
A young man with short red hair walked up.
“All right, all right, break it up. These kids are F.O.B. and have no clue what a human café is. Chill out, everyone. Princess and Angel––let go of the poor boy.”
“Do we have to?”
“I think he likes it,” said Angel.
The red-haired man shook his head. “Be nice. You don’t want a spanking, do you?”
The young women sighed, untangled themselves from Philip, and shuffled away from the teenager with the very flushed face.
Cuddles groaned on the floor. “Thanks, Sniffy. I was getting confused there for a second, and you know what happens when I get confused.”
“I do!” said Princess. “He pees everywhere!”
The redheaded Sniffy sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Tell me the truth—did everyone take your pills today?”
Princess hopped up and down. “I did!”
Angel clapped, jiggling her chest even more than Princess. “Me, too!”
Cuddles rolled over on the carpet and stared at the ceiling. “Do I have to? They make me feel funny.”
Sniffy helped the older man to his feet and pushed him to the back of the room.
“No wonder you’re talking back. It’s in your contract; go do it!”
“I want a hug,” said Betsy. “Who’s ready?”
Princess squealed. “A dog!” She lifted Betsy from the floor and gave the terrier a huge kiss on the snout.
Amy looked around for Furball, but the white cat had disappeared. She turned back to Sniffy.
“Someone please tell me what’s going on in this wacky house of horrors.”
Philip raised a hand. “Not to be a bother or anything, but I’m still waiting for that drink.”
“My apologies,” said Sniffy. “Please have a seat. Princess, could you bring our guests three Centauran spring waters?”
The blonde woman pouted. “But we only have one case left!”
“Green water is fine with me,” said Betsy, wagging his tail.
“Excuse me?” said Sniffy. “Do you mean tea?”
“No. I mean green water.”
“Right,” said Sniffy. “Two Centauran waters and one tea.”
“Got it!” said Princess brightly.
She lowered Betsy to the carpet and jiggled through the door in the back.
Amy and Philip sat on a green couch. Angel sat beside Philip, while Sniffy plopped onto the floor and crossed his legs.
“Want a hug?” he asked Betsy.
“Sure!”
The terrier jumped into Sniffy’s lap, tail wagging.
“This must be some kind of touchy-feely, hippie place,” Amy said to Philip. “California is rotten with ‘em. Crystals and runes and more Yanni than you ever wanted.”
“What’s a hippie?”
“The kind of person that runs a place called Happy Happy Joy Joy Human Café.”
Sniffy laughed and scratched Betsy under the chin. “I’m going to guess this is your first visit to Tau Ceti. A human café is a place where cats play with humans without going to the expense of supporting their own pet. No judgement from the neighbors, no high cost of human pet food, no chance of police crackdowns or the landlord throwing you out of your apartment because of the smell. You might have noticed there aren’t that many humans wandering the streets of Cheezburger. One reason is the high cost. A interstellar ticket from Alpha Centauri to Tau Ceti is millions of woolongs on the dodgiest of dodgy cat freighters, even if you spend the entire trip inside a box of Hamdingers. Also, the catnappings keep many humans off the streets.”
“After everything I’ve seen today, it seems absurd to be shocked,” said Philip. “But cats and dogs are supposed to be our pets, not the other way around.”
Sniffy leaned forward and slapped Philip on the knee. “What a comedian! I’ll have to write that one down. People say that’s how it was in the old days, but I think it’s just a bunch of superstition. Who knows, man––I’m not religious.”
“The old days,” said Amy. “You mean, the old days on Earth?”
“Earth? Not
hing but dust on that dried-up rock. You’ve got a better chance of finding a swimming pool on Tau Ceti.”
Philip glanced at Amy. “Because cats hate water?”
Sniffy chuckled. “You got it, sweet cheeks. They might secretly install a pool in their backyard, but just for the humans to splash around in. Cats like to watch their pets play.”
“I know all about cats,” said Amy. “We’ve got one at home. Had one.”
Sniffy nodded. “Lucky. My family applied to host an interstellar exchange student, but didn’t qualify. Lots of money in cat students. Not many jobs or industry on Alpha Centauri right now.”
The door to the back room squealed open and Princess strutted out with three bowls on a tray.
“Ah,” said Sniffy. “Here’s your Centauran water.”
Princess gave bowls to Sniffy and Amy, and stood over Philip with the last saucer in her hands.
The dark-haired teen watched Betsy lap water. “Perhaps I could have a glass?”
Amy nodded. “Me, too.”
Princess giggled. “Don’t worry, I’ll show you.”
The buxom blonde put an arm around Philip and sat on his lap. She took a sip from the bowl and held it to the teenager’s lips.
“See? It’s easy.”
Philip drank all the water in the bowl.
“Yes,” he said in a higher pitch, and cleared his throat. “Quite.”
Princess hugged him tight with her cheek pressed against his face.
“You’re a smart boy. Ow!” She jumped from Philip’s lap and rubbed her leg. “Who pinched me?”
“Sorry,” said Amy. “My hand slipped.”
The brunette Angel giggled. “No, she grabbed your butt. I think she likes you!”
Princess grinned. “That’s okay. I like her, too.”
She sat across Philip’s lap and sprang up again, this time with both hands on the rear of her jean shorts.
“Ow! That really hurt. You liked me too hard that time.”
Amy studied the fingernails of her right hand. “It did? I should see a doctor.”
“Perhaps you should sit next to Sniffy,” said Philip.
The red-haired young man shook his head and laughed. “She’s jealous, Princess. That’s why she keeps touching you.”
Princess blinked. “Is that so?” She plopped onto Amy’s lap and gave her a wet kiss on the cheek. “Better now?”
Amy grimaced and made a rattling sound like a spoon stuck in a garbage disposal.
“Honey, you don’t sound good,” said Princess.
“Don’t worry; it’s my angina flaring up.” Amy stared at Sniffy. “How long until we can leave?”
“The rules say until the bell,” said Sniffy. “You can play with Angel and Princess and me until the bell rings.”
“Pardon me for asking,” said Philip. “But those aren’t your real names, are they?”
“Of course not, but cats want us to use silly names, just like the humans in movies and the holoscreen. I’m actually Linda Palmer. I’ve been called Sniffy for so long that it sounds strange to say it out loud.”
“My human name is Michael Chao,” said Princess, and leaned close to Philip. “What’s yours, honey?”
“Definitely not ‘honey,’” said Amy. “He’s Philip, and I’m Amy.”
All three of the human hosts burst out laughing.
“How could your parents …” gasped Sniffy between giggles. “How could they give you those names? Boys are called Amy. It’s not a girl’s name!”
“Watch it,” said Amy. “I can feel my hand going crazy again.”
Philip sighed. “We’ve already established that female and male names have switched places in the future. There’s no point hammering it home.”
Princess shifted on Amy’s lap and stared at her fingernails. “I wish I could go home. It’s been three years since I left Alpha Centauri.”
“Why can’t you?” asked Amy. “Too expensive?”
“That’s part of it, but it’s mostly the contract,” said Sniffy. “She can’t leave until after graduation. I’m in the same boat.”
“Graduation?”
Princess nodded. “I’m studying astrophysics!”
“I’m majoring in human bioengineering,” said Sniffy. “We’re both on scholarships.”
Amy shifted under the heavy weight of Princess on her lap. “I may be going out on a dangerous limb here, but I think it’s going to be a while until either of you graduate with majors like that.”
“Oh, this is just pretend,” said Sniffy. “We don’t act like this in class.”
“Sure we do,” said Princess. “The professors love it when––hey! Not again!”
The blonde jumped from Amy’s lap.
“I think it’s time to go,” said Amy. She grabbed Philip’s hand and stood up from the couch.
Betsy looked up from his perch on Sniffy’s lap. “But I’m not done being hugged!”
“All right,” said Amy. “Would you like choice number one: a foot in your rear, or choice number two: a pinch on your rear?”
Betsy blinked at Amy for a moment. “C.”
“I thought so. Move it!”
Betsy squirmed out of Sniffy’s arms and darted for the exit, Amy and Philip on his heels.
“You’ve still got time left!” yelled Princess. “My arms won’t hug themselves! Hello?”
Sniffy sighed. He stood from the couch and brushed the dog hairs from his lap. “Save it, Mike. They’re gone.”
Princess plopped onto the couch next to Angel and crossed her arms. “People are so strange. Why can’t they be like cats?”
Angel giggled and put an arm around Princess. “Right! Cats are like cats, so why can’t people be like cats?”
Sniffy shook his head at the young women. “How many smart pills did you girls take this morning?”
Princess counted on her fingers. “One … two … four … Wait! I have to start over. Two … three … seven … is that a number?”
“Twelve for me,” said Angel. She looked down at her chest and adjusted her open blouse. “This blouse is really cute. I think being cute is better than being pretty.”
Princess laughed. “Right on, sister!”
Sniffy groaned and rubbed his eyes.
Chapter Ten
A dozen giant lizards stood around a long table in the basement of the Rotarian club, watching Nistra as he picked up and examined each of the weapons spread across the table.
A wide variety of illegal implements of death were represented, from combat swords to assault rifles. Each of the cat weapons had been modified with aftermarket triggers and grips to accommodate large sauro claws, and had been fitted with high-capacity energy magazines and illegal, overpowered capacitors for extreme damage.
“This is the best we could get with only a few hour’s notice,” said Astra, waving his scaly green arm over the table. “Tau Ceti has many restrictions on weapon ownership, even for cats. Sauro armaments from Kepler Prime are absolutely banned.”
Nistra touched the scope of a small-caliber rifle. “Even this? I played with bigger weapons in saurogarten. It can’t be useful for anything other than shooting poona from the front porch.”
Astra bowed. “The weapon has a humble origin, Detention Officer, but the barrel and action have been replaced. It accepts a higher caliber of projectile.”
“Still useless.”
Nistra picked up a pulse rifle and held it to his shoulder. He stared down the sights and checked the energy in the magazine.
“This one’s been in vacuum storage. That’s fine if you want it to blow up in your face after the first shot.”
From across the table, Plastra cleared his throat.
“As Astra said, it is the best we could do, Detention Officer.”
The giant brown sauro standing next to Nistra slammed his fist on the table, causing all the weapons to rattle.
“Not good enough! We need better!”
Nistra held up a claw. “Thank you,
George. George has appointed himself my right-hand sauro.”
“These things take time,” said Astra. “Ordering black-market weapons from the nearest sauro outpost can take weeks and might be confiscated. There’s no guarantee they’ll arrive safely, even if we ship them in crates of Salad Spray!”
Nistra shook his head. “We’ve got hours, not weeks. Those nasty humans could run back to their ship at any moment. If they leave without me, Kepler Prime is doomed and we’re all stuck on Tau Ceti. I don’t think any of you want to be brushing cat hair off your skin for much longer.” He rubbed his scaly chin. “Who’s the one with a cousin at the spaceport?”
Astra raised a claw. “Me, sir! He can sneak all of us into a shipping container at Cheezburger Central. None of the sensors will be able to see through it, and it’s easy enough to bribe customs.”
“Good,” said Nistra. “Start the preparations for everyone to enter the container immediately. I will manipulate the weak-willed humans into landing at that field and accepting the cargo.”
“Which of these weapons do we take?” asked Plastra. “We can each carry at least two.”
Nistra leaned on the table with both arms and stared at the weapons.
“None.”
Plastra’s eyes bulged. “What?”
“Show some respect!” boomed George.
“Sorry. I meant to say, what––um, why would we leave these behind?”
“Because they’re not powerful enough to help us,” said Nistra with a sneer. “Also, this isn’t a normal craft and doesn’t have an armory. Any weapons brought inside the ship would probably set off alarms. I want to take over the craft, not find myself on the wrong side of an airlock.”
George growled and pummeled the table with his fists. “Argh! Things are so hard!”
“You never told me why everyone calls you ‘George,’” said Nistra. “That’s not a sauro name.”
The giant lizard smiled ferociously, showing rows of razor-sharp teeth.
“I took the name from a human I killed. He said George means ‘great murderer’ in human-speak.”
“Was that before or after you killed him?”
George stared at Nistra blankly. “Before. I think it was before.”
“Cool story, brother,” said Plastra. “If we can’t take these weapons, what’s the plan?”
Empire of the Space Cats (Amy Armstrong Book 2) Page 16
