Dad had ended up staying until nearly noon. Just chatting and telling stories of Lavender Shores and about me when I was younger. Honestly, for a moment I’d resented him taking even a second of my last day with Joel, but like the night before when I’d been cooking while Joel showered, it felt normal. Easy. Like Joel was just a member of our family. Dad had never been rude or excluded any of my boyfriends in the past, but he hadn’t been quite so carefree with them either. Which said something, as Dad was carefree with pretty much anyone who’d listen to him for more than three seconds. Maybe he felt what I felt. That my dreams were within my reach. Finally.
“We’re going to picnic in the cabin?” Joel retrieved the basket of food from the bed of the truck while I tossed a blanket over my shoulders.
“No, it’s just a good place to park. I thought we’d eat at the palisade, if you’re up for a hike.”
Joel flashed his brilliant smile. Were my dreams really going to be answered by a man with a smile like that?
“Can’t imagine a better place to have a picnic than in the lavender field, considering nearly everything in town is named lavender something-or-other. Might as well have a lavender picnic.”
“Actually, no on that too. I thought we’d hike down to the base of the cliffs, picnic on the beach.” I glanced away, suddenly embarrassed, though after the things we’d already done together, that seemed stupid. “There’s a little hidden spot back there, to ah… have some privacy.”
Joel met me at the front of the truck and slipped his free hand into mine. “Oh really? Got some sinful plans, have you?”
I dug into my back pocket and pulled out a condom. “Maybe.”
His smile did that wonderful shift from beautiful to deliciously wicked, and he dug into his own back pocket and flashed a foil packet at me. “Great minds.” We’d just passed the cabin when Joel spoke again. “So is this the place? You know, the place where Andrew takes men to seduce them? Should I check the stone walls for carved tally marks?”
There wasn’t a bit of jealousy in his tone, and he winked to let me know he was teasing, but I suddenly felt completely exposed. I shook my head, looking away again. “No. I’ve never brought anyone here.” I dared a glance.
His smile faltered, though I couldn’t read his expression.
I changed the topic. “By the way, I forgot to mention. Gilbert texted while Dad was over. He’s driving in tonight so he can be at the closing tomorrow. He’d like to have dinner with us later, if you’re okay with that.”
“Oh.” Either disappointment or surprise sounded in Joel’s response. “Uhm, sure.”
Strange. “I can tell him no, if you want. It’s not like the rest of his family aren’t dying to see him.”
“No, no. It’s okay.” Joel’s smile looked strained. “He’s your best friend. I’d love to meet him. I was just surprised, since it’s our last night and all.”
I’d almost told Gilbert no for that very reason but then pictured eating with Joel alone and getting utterly depressed or saying something I had no business saying. Again. “Well, it’s not our last night. You’ll be back soon. Tonight is just our last night for a little while, and then you’ll return, move into Gilbert’s house, and set up whatever shop you’re going to do.”
“Right.” He nodded slowly. “Right.”
“You okay? I can cancel on him easily. He’s easygoing and won’t be upset at all.”
“Nah, it’ll be fun.” There was the forced brightness again.
“Okay, if you’re sure.” I hesitated, an unease growing in my gut. We walked along the trail, the view of the cabin and ocean both getting lost as we made our way through the dense trees. I’d planned on stopping here as well, a great secluded place to make out for a while, but it didn’t feel like the right moment. Maybe if I could make him laugh, get him to shake off whatever was going on in his mind. “Have you decided what kind of store you’re going to open? When I was a kid, there was a woman who had an entire shop of quilts. She’d sit by the window all day sewing. They were beautiful. Any chance you know how to sew?”
He laughed, thankfully. It sounded a little like himself. “Now, there’s a thought, but we might need to keep searching. I’m not sure I’m destined to lead sewing circles or anything. I can’t even sew on a button.”
Silence returned as we continued through the trees, his heaviness falling over both of us. Birds chirped and a squirrel chattered now and again, but their cheerfulness didn’t come with enough power to change anything.
Before long, we stepped out of the woods, and magic opened up in front of us. We were at the top of the palisade, at the edge of lavender. The sea directly beyond and the bright sun overhead, pouring over us.
“Holy shit.” Joel’s tone was reverent, and I followed his gaze.
Amid the lavender, close to the edge, three bull elk grazed. One of them lifted its heavily antlered head and looked at us.
For the first time in a while, Joel’s fingers tightened in my hand, giving me a gentle squeeze, and he glanced over, offering a quick smile before looking back. “Can we just stand here for a moment?”
“Yeah, of course.”
He lowered the basket to the ground, released my hand, and slipped his arm over my shoulder to pull me close. The tension that had tightened around my heart lessened at the gesture.
The largest elk studied us for a few more seconds, apparently decided we were trivial, and returned to grazing.
I knew I should watch, take it all in, but instead I closed my eyes, focusing on the warmth of Joel’s body next to mine, the weight of his muscled arm over my shoulder, the sound of his breath. As I listened, his breathing deepened and slowed.
His voice trembled just a bit when he finally risked a whisper. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything so beautiful in my life. And I’ve been all over the world. This is complete perfection.”
My eyes stung instantly, but I reined in my emotions. I was not going to ruin this with idiotic tears. Relief washed over me nonetheless.
He saw it. Joel saw it. The magic of Lavender Shores. Why I couldn’t leave. Even if my family moved, I wouldn’t. My soul was here, and Joel could see why. Other people—tourists, locals, my exes—could see such a sight, shrug, comment on the beauty, and then walk on by, maybe take a selfie with the elk in the background. The fact that Joel saw it, really saw it, was the biggest confirmation yet that though everything I was feeling should be insane after such a short time, my soul knew. It just knew.
I just knew.
We stood there for probably twenty minutes. Neither speaking, just content to be still with our arms around each other. I swear our hearts synchronized in those twenty minutes. I wasn’t sure if his rhythm changed or mine, maybe both, but I felt it. Finally, the elk slowly wandered through the lavender and disappeared into the other side of the woods.
Joel turned to me and smiled. Bright, clear, happy. He was back. “Thank you for that.”
I just nodded, unable to speak, and kissed him.
He stroked my cheek with the back of his fingers before he broke the kiss. “Picnic time?”
“Yeah.” I pointed to the spot where the path narrowed so much that if you didn’t know what you were looking for, it nearly disappeared. “It’s a steep climb down. Don’t fall and break something. I don’t want to have to get a helicopter to lift you out of there. Plus, it would ruin our need for the condoms.”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. Could be fun fucking in a helicopter. Never done that before.”
“Me either, but the audience might hinder things.”
Another shrug. “Nah, they should be so lucky.”
I laughed and slipped my hand back into his, which was silly, as we had to let go less than a minute later as we began our trek down the steep cliffs.
As we climbed down, Joel kept making sounds of wonder as we drew nearer to the ocean, and every once in a while, a little yip when the loose gravel would slide under his feet.
At last, we wer
e on the beach, and we slipped off our shoes and made our way through the sand.
“I feel like we’re inside a castle or something.” Joel had turned from the ocean view and craned his neck up, trying to see the top of the palisade. “This is amazing.”
I thrilled at his reaction. This was my favorite spot in the world. In truth, I had brought a couple of other men from my past here, but they hadn’t seen it how I did. It was just beach. Just more ocean. Just cliffs. They didn’t feel the magic. To them, it had been nothing more than a pretty hike. I’d brought them, saw their apathy, and then we’d left. We didn’t do what I hoped Joel and I would do here.
I’d known Joel would be different, but right or wrong, I’d had to test him. I had to be sure. I’d woken nearly riddled with anxiety after our night together and knowing he was heading back to San Francisco the next day. It didn’t matter that he was planning on returning soon. Things could change. He could get back home and the real world might sweep away all he felt for me. Make our few days together nothing more than a romantic weekend or even a blip of insanity.
I’d texted my father as soon as I’d gotten out of bed, inquiring about the picnic basket, hoping as Joel and I ate by the beach, with the ocean and the cliffs and lavender overhead, that I would see its effect on him. Have some sort of confirmation that this was real. And of all wonders, it hadn’t even taken that long. The picnic hadn’t been needed. But now, it was just a bonus on top of it all.
I pointed to a spot in the cliff wall that jutted back in on itself, creating a little room. “I thought we’d eat on the beach, but then, after, take the blanket back there, just in case some tourist comes by.”
Joel refocused on me instead of the cliffs, and all was right. “That sounds like the best idea ever. I can’t believe it, after eating breakfast just a couple of hours ago, but I’m starving.”
“Good.” I pointed to a spot free from the shadows cast by the cliffs. “I’ll put the blanket there. And full warning, I don’t know what’s for lunch. Dad packed something. I wasn’t expecting him to, but that’s Dad.”
“You’re really lucky to have a dad like him.” The hint of sadness was easy to hear.
“Yeah, I know. I really am.”
He helped me spread out the blanket, and then we knelt and began unpacking the basket.
Joel snorted and held up three large wedges of cheese. “Your dad went literal with the whole romantic picnic idea.”
“He sure did.” I pulled out a bottle of wine and waggled it at him. “I wasn’t planning on getting a buzz on this early in the day, but why not?”
He grinned back at me. “Why not indeed.”
Dad had supplied enough food for our entire family. If Joel and I ate everything, we wouldn’t be able to make it back up the cliff.
“Andrew.” Joel paused between unpacking the fruit, his voice sounding wary as he held something out to me. “Please tell me that you put this in here.”
I narrowed my eyes, the foil square not making sense. And then it did. “Oh, holy fuck.”
Joel laughed. “That’s not all.”
He withdrew a tiny bottle, and I wanted to dig a hole, crawl into it, and let the tide come in. “I can’t believe he did that.”
“Really?” Joel cocked an eyebrow. “Have you met your father? Honestly, I can’t believe either one of us bothered to bring a condom. We should’ve known. Hell, he did better than I did. I didn’t know how to bring lube. At least without being obvious.”
“You can get up and leave me now, if you want. I’d understand.”
He gave a loud bark of laughter, pulled me to him, and then kissed me over the basket before drawing back. “Are you kidding me? We have lube. We can do it right.”
I groaned. “You know he’s going to ask if we used everything he packed.”
“He won’t have to. Give me his number. I’ll send him a thank you text.”
“Shut up!”
We both laughed.
Once the wine was poured, I moved over next to him, and we began to munch on the cheese, meats, and fruit. We didn’t speak much. It was enough to simply be there, surrounded by beauty. Time stood still, and I forgot about Joel leaving the next day, or at least pushed aside that thought with enough force that it didn’t come knocking.
I’d heard of moments like this. Like when Gilbert sold his first design for more than a year’s rent. When Heather and Seth opened the bed-and-breakfast. Those moments. But it had been Lamont, when he called after getting his first publishing contract, who’d said, “Make sure, when your dreams finally start to come true, you notice. Don’t let it pass without noticing. Most people do.”
Even if my dreams weren’t rock-star dreams, they were my dreams. And they were coming true.
So I noticed. I looked at Joel, and I saw him. Saw the sun on his gorgeous face, catching natural highlights in his hair I hadn’t seen before. Felt the soft breeze dancing over us. Listened to the gentle crash of the waves on the shore and the call of the gulls overhead. Smelled the salt. Tasted the tang of wine.
I noticed. Just like I’d promised my older brother I would.
Joel smiled at me, but seemed a bit nervous. “Are you okay? You look a little…” His lips moved wordlessly for a second before giving way to a quiet laugh. “I don’t know how you look, actually. I can’t say I’ve ever seen that expression before.”
Just like the test, I hadn’t been sure I would do what I was getting ready to do. Hadn’t been certain a moment would present itself or that the time would be right.
I lifted to my knees and dug in the other back pocket of my jeans, the one without the unneeded condom.
The firm paper and thin plastic nearly burned against my skin, which I knew had to be in my head. Or just part of the magic, maybe. Whatever it was, it burned in a wonderful, thrilling way. I took it from my pocket and held it out to Joel. “Here, I wanted you to have this.”
He smiled at me, just a touch warily, barely glancing at what I held. “Okay.” Another smile, and then he lifted my gift to inspect it, and his smile fell away.
Fourteen
Joel
The card was out of place and so completely unexpected that I couldn’t make sense of it for a moment.
Sandy Koufax stared up at me with his goofy ears and wonky smile.
“I’m sorry. I thought… I just wanted you to have it.” Andrew’s voice was full of regret.
I couldn’t make myself respond.
Everything crashed over me as surely as if the waves had suddenly taken on tsunami proportions.
I was with my mom in the collectible shop, having just gotten an A on the book report.
I stood in the hallway, staring at the door after she’d hugged me, told me she loved me, and then hurried to catch her plane to New York.
I was in my bed, staring at that card every night before I fell asleep.
I was sixteen, walking into my room to find the things I loved most gone. Rushing to the bedside table and finding Sandy Koufax had vanished as well.
I was on a beach. In the sun. With a man I shouldn’t be with, feeling things I shouldn’t feel, knowing that whatever was left of my heart was going to be shattered after the sun came up the next day.
I knew I was the one who would be walking away.
And still Sandy Koufax grinned at me.
Andrew touched my arm lightly, probably fearing I was about to crumble. “I’m sorry, Joel. I thought… I thought it would make you happy.”
No. It definitely did not make me happy, but I pulled the card close, holding it against my chest, and let out a shaky breath. It was back. It was mine. It was with me once again.
Stupid. Utterly stupid and insane. This wasn’t the same card. I knew that. It wasn’t from my mother. It hadn’t been thrown out by my father. But still, it was there, given to me by a man I didn’t come close to deserving, who offered me everything.
Finally, my voice returned. “How did you get this?”
He gave a litt
le shrug. “Well, you were in that coffee shop a long time.”
Right. Obviously. I pulled the card back and looked between Sandy and Andrew. Then, like it was made of china, I placed it inside the picnic basket and closed the lid.
“Joel, I’m so very sorry. I only—”
I captured his face in my hands and kissed him. Kissed him so hard I was probably hurting him, but I couldn’t stop. Couldn’t get him close enough. Couldn’t let him go.
I wouldn’t.
Still holding his beautiful face, I broke the kiss and looked into those clear blue eyes. “I love you.”
His lips moved, silently. His eyes grew large. He trembled.
I said it again, firmer, feeling the truth of it to my soul, though it terrified me. “I love you, Andrew.”
A tear made its way down Andrew’s cheek, but neither of us bothered to wipe it away. “I love you too.”
I knew that. I’d known I loved him, maybe from the first night in my room, maybe by the window in the cabin. I just hadn’t wanted to. In truth, I still didn’t. But that didn’t change the fact, nor that it was too soon and made no sense. I loved him. I was in love with him.
I pulled him to me, one arm going around his head, the other crushing his body to mine as I kissed him. Trying to pour every ounce of love and fear I had into it. Into him.
Then my hands took charge, not waiting for my brain to catch up as they began to pull off Andrew’s clothes. His shirt was gone, his body nearly glowing in the sun, and I yanked at the button of his jeans.
Though I wasn’t sure how, Andrew got my shirt off in the process, and then we hit a glitch. His words were barely more than frantic puffs of air. “Do you. I’ll do me.”
We both stood from our kneeling position, stripping out of our clothes. Andrew tossed one of his socks so forcefully it landed by the lapping waves. He didn’t bother with it, and then he was shoving the picnic basket and food aside, clearing the blanket.
The Palisade (Lavender Shores) Page 14
