Marsha’s mum gave me another little smile and sighed. ‘Come on in. Sit down over there and I’ll see if I can get her up, but don’t expect any miracles. She’s like a bear with a sore head most mornings.’ Marsha’s mum disappeared and several moments later I heard raised voices, then her mum came back down. ‘Bear with a sore head,’ she repeated, adding ‘Rather you than me,’ before disappearing off into the little garden out the back.
Marsha herself appeared in the doorway. She was in her pyjamas and dressing gown, her hair all dishevelled. (Not that it made much difference: her hair was always dishevelled.) ‘Oh,’ she groaned. ‘It’s you.’
I leaped to my feet. ‘They know,’ I said. ‘Norman’s been to see me. He brought my rucksack back.’
‘You never left it behind?’
I nodded sheepishly and Marsha gave a long, long sigh while I wildly babbled on about invasions and preparations and everything. ‘He admitted everything. And he said it’s too late to do anything,’ I shouted at her, ‘but we’ve got to do something.’
Marsha sat down on the edge of the settee. ‘It could be true then,’ she murmured, and then gave me a cross glance. ‘Just calm down, will you?’
‘But they’re going to invade!’
Marsha leaned across and gripped both my wrists to stop them shaking. She stared at me fiercely and said, ‘Do you want me to call you Chicken Licken?’
I took a deep breath, held it and then let it out slowly. ‘OΚ, I’ll stop panicking, but we must do something.’
‘First we must think. They’re making preparations, you say? What sort of preparations? What do we know about them? Norman told you his dad was a computer whizz, right? So my guess is that they are going to hack into our defence systems, worldwide.’
‘Can that be done?’
‘Probably. They bring down the defence systems and that means any invading force can just walk in.’
‘They’ve got tentacles,’ I pointed out. ‘I don’t think it’s possible to walk on tentacles. You have to sort of, well, slip and slop I suppose.’
‘Rob, it doesn’t matter how they get here. We must stop them, remember?’
‘We have to warn people,’ I said.
‘And to do that we must have proof that they are ETs. We’ve got to actually show the police or the army or whoever some real aliens – what we saw for ourselves last night.’
‘We can’t go back and photograph them,’ I protested. ‘Not now,’ and I told Marsha about the shield. ‘We have to move fast,’ I went on.
And then it happened. You know how sometimes you get an idea that is so fantastic and simple you just can’t believe how clever you really are? That’s what happened to me. This idea suddenly made me realize what a brain was for. I mean, you could really think things! Really clever stuff! I grabbed Marsha’s arm.
‘We kidnap Norman.’
‘Then what? Tell the entire ET invasion force that they must stop invading Earth or they won’t get Norman back? Do you think evil aliens will let the life of one teenager stop them?’ Marsha was scathing, but I didn’t care. For once she hadn’t realized what I meant.
‘Have you finished?’ I asked. ‘That’s not the idea at all. What happens to Norman and his family at night?’
‘They turn into space monsters.’
‘Exactly. We kidnap Norman. We keep him hidden until night-time. He turns back into an alien. Then we can show everyone and they will have to believe us.’
Marsha thought this over. ‘Yeah. Actually, that’s a pretty good idea, Rob. You’re not as stupid as you look.’
‘Neither are you,’ I grinned. ‘Come on, let’s do it.’
‘Do you think I could get out of my pyjamas first?’ Marsha vanished upstairs and a little later her mother came in from the garden.
‘So,’ she smiled. ‘You and Marsha are friends?’
‘I suppose you could say that, yep.’
Marsha’s mum watched me for several moments. ‘I’m glad,’ she said at last. ‘Marsha doesn’t have many friends.’
‘I know. Everyone thinks she’s weird.’ I could have bitten my tongue right off at that moment. Me and my big mouth. Her mother laughed, just like Marsha’s laugh, a throaty chuckle.
‘She is a bit odd, but you know what people say – takes one to know one.’ Marsha’s mother gave me another smile and went back outside, leaving me to puzzle out what she had meant.
There was an almighty rumble and crash as Marsha clattered down the stairs, tripped over her gangly legs and crashed in a heap on the hall floor. ‘I’m all right!’ she cried, beckoning wildly to me and we quickly left the house.
Our mission – to kidnap the alien known as Norman and keep him prisoner until nightfall.
9 Early Darkness
‘Right,’ said Marsha, as we hurried back to my house. ‘How exactly are we going to kidnap Norman?’
‘Chloroform,’ I said at once. ‘It’s a chemical. You sprinkle it on a hanky and hold it over the person’s nose and it makes them go unconscious.’
‘And you’ve got some, have you?’
‘Of course not! You can’t just go out and buy it like sweets or something.’
‘Why mention it then?’
‘Because, if we did have it, it would be ideal.’
‘Let’s stick to the real world, shall we?’ growled Marsha. ‘What we need to do is keep hold of Norman somewhere safe until it gets dark.’
That was when I got my second brilliant idea. ‘We could make the dark come early,’ I said.
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘Norman turns into an alien when it gets dark, right? Why should we wait until it’s night-time? Suppose we make it dark early – put him in a dark place? Then he’d turn into an alien straight away.’
Marsha stopped and stared at me. ‘That’s very good, Rob. Why aren’t you like this in school? That’s two excellent ideas you’ve had in ten minutes. A world record, I shouldn’t wonder.’ Marsha beamed at me. ‘We could get a cardboard box and just pop it over Norman’s head.’
‘He’s bound to struggle,’ I pointed out, and I had this vision of Norman’s fists flying about like manic sledgehammers. I didn’t want to lose all my teeth.
‘All right, we use a blanket instead and then we can pin down his arms at the same time.’
I wasn’t so sure about this. Norman might have been a bit thin and weedy, but he was still bigger and older than us. He wasn’t likely to let us put a blanket over his head without fighting back. I automatically covered my teeth with one hand. ‘Suppose he hits us?’
‘We are trying to prevent space monsters taking over Earth, Rob. Somewhere along the line we might get injured. It’s a risk we have to take.’
My stomach was churning up. I couldn’t believe that Marsha could be so brave about the idea of being hurt. I mean, we were talking about teeth here, noses, real blood… maybe even DEATH. On the other hand, I couldn’t bear to tell her that my stomach had turned into scarified jelly, not when she was being all calm and heroic about it.
We got to my house and found an old blanket. Our plan of action was simple. We would hide behind the hedge at the front of our house and wait until Norman walked past. Then we’d jump on him with the blanket. Simple ideas are always the best.
The hedge was tall, and we flattened ourselves against its stiff branches, trying to make ourselves invisible. It was a pity it was a hawthorn hedge. ‘Ow!’
‘Shut up,’ hissed Marsha.
‘I’ve got a thorn in my bum!’ I snapped back, and she sniggered.
‘You always were a bit of a pain.’
‘Thank you for your kind sympathy. You can get tetanus from things like this. It says so in…’
‘… your medical encyclopedia,’ Marsha finished wearily.
‘And gangrene,’ I added. ‘Your skin puffs up and goes purple and black and green and it starts festering and eventually it just drops off.’
‘Rob! You’ve only been pricked by a l
ittle thorn. Your bum’s not going to fall off.’
‘Says you. You’ll be sorry if it does.’
‘Not as sorry as you. You’ll be bottomless.’ Marsha found this so amusing and began giggling again. ‘You’ll have to carry a bag with you, a bumbag, just in case, and a little shovel. Then when it happens, you can scoop it off the floor, bag it up and take it home. Maybe your mum can sew it back on or something.’ By this time Marsha was in stitches.
‘You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?’ I grunted, rubbing my backside. ‘It hurt.’
‘Ssssh!’ hissed Marsha. ‘He’s coming out! He’s crossed the road.’
My heart immediately began banging about like a hyperactive drum kit. My fingers were gripping the blanket so hard my knuckles had gone white. Time seemed to stand still. The distant footsteps came closer and then stopped. ‘What’s he doing?’ I panicked.
‘Ssssh, just wait a sec. It’s OK, he’s coming.’
Norman’s footsteps drew closer and closer. Then, through the tangle of twigs and leaves of the hedge we could see his shape as he began to pass by.
‘Now!’ cried Marsha. We leaped up and plunged out from behind the hedge, holding the stretched blanket in front of us. It worked like a dream. In a trice we had the blanket over his head and all three of us fell to the pavement, where we rolled about, pinning Norman’s arms to his sides. He was snarling dreadfully under the blanket and thrashing his head from side to side. Marsha clung to it as if it were a rogue rugby ball. She shouted at me.
‘Is he changing yet? Is he beginning to change?’
That was when the dream turned into a nightmare. I glanced at Norman’s legs, and even though they were waggling about wildly in mid-air, I could see at once that his legs had definitely changed.
Norman the Alien was wearing lady’s shoes, black tights and, well, I daren’t mention anything else. (It wasn’t my fault. You do see quite a lot when someone waves their legs about as much as that.)
‘He’s a woman!’ I shouted at Marsha, who was still attempting touchdown with Norman’s head. Marsha took one look and yelled. ‘We’ve got the wrong person! Run for it!’
We took off like rabbits and didn’t stop running until we reached the park. We threw ourselves panting on to the grass. At last we got our breath back.
‘How did that happen?’ I asked.
‘I don’t know. Norman must have stopped and gone somewhere else, and then some other person came along. Do you think she saw us? Who was it anyway?’
‘I haven’t a clue. I only saw her legs and…’ I went pink ‘… not much else. Do you think it’s safe to go back?’
We walked back to find a knot of chattering people gathered near our house, and a police car. We watched and waited, but nobody went up my front path so we guessed that nobody knew it had been us. We decided it was safe to get a bit closer.
‘Someone tried to mug me,’ said a loud voice, ‘but I fought them off.’ We peered through the crowd, and there was Mrs Parsloe, our next door neighbour-but-one, looking rather flustered and with her hair all messed up. (I wonder how that happened!) ‘I gave him a black eye,’ Mrs Parsloe declared. Marsha and I looked at each other and shook our heads in disbelief. The lying toad!
Anyhow, we decided the blanket was not such a good idea after all. Besides, Marsha had already come up with a much better plan. Apparently there was a cellar in her house which was only used for storing junk. Marsha said it was very dark down there. We sat up in my bedroom and discussed Plan Two.
‘If we can lure Norman over to my house and get him in the cellar, that will be it. He’ll be trapped. The only way out is through the door, and we can lock that. We wait for him to alter into his true form and then call the police.’
‘It’s a pity you didn’t think of this before we tried the blanket,’ I pointed out. A big smile took over Marsha’s face and she gave that throaty chuckle.
‘Yeah,’ she said. ‘That was really funny!’
I have to admit it is something I shall never forget. Mrs Parsloe’s waggling legs were a pretty memorable sight. However, it was not going to save the world, so it was back to business.
‘When do we try Plan Two?’ I asked.
‘Tomorrow afternoon. Mum’s going out. She’s got a boyfriend. His name’s Tony.’
This came as a bit of a shock, I can tell you. How could Marsha be so calm about it? ‘Don’t you mind?’
‘Why should I?’
‘I’d be really upset if my mum went out with a new boyfriend.’
‘Your mum and dad haven’t split up though, have they?’
‘Not yet,’ I said darkly.
‘Don’t start that again, Rob. Look, my mum’s not going to sit around on her own for the rest of her life. Anyhow, it’s none of your business.’
I shut up. Marsha was quiet for a few moments and then she went on. ‘It could be a bit risky at my house. Mum might come back, but I can’t think of anywhere else.’
Just then my own mum came back and called up the stairs. ‘Are you in, Rob?’
‘Upstairs. Marsha’s here.’
‘Oh.’
It’s such a small word – ‘oh’. You wouldn’t think it could be said with such meaning. The way my mum said ‘oh’ actually meant, ‘Well I never, upstairs with a girl, ho ho ho.’ I ignored it. Marsha and I agreed that we would meet at her place the following afternoon and put Plan Two into action.
‘Hello, Marsha,’ Mum said cheerfully as I saw Marsha to the front door. ‘You two seem to be very good friends these days?’ Now Mum’s face had a ho ho ho smile on it.
Marsha nodded seriously. ‘Yes. We thought we’d get married tomorrow. See you, Rob.’
You should have seen Mum’s face! She was left speechless. Her jaw had almost fallen off. I had to hand it to Marsha. Talk about sharp! I kept spilling my food at lunch I was laughing so much.
‘It wasn’t that funny, Rob,’ Mum said crossly.
But it was.
10 Plan Two, with Several Emergency Measures
Today’s horoscope: Avoid anything pink today. You will meet someone who will help you see things in a new light.
We had the house to ourselves. Marsha’s mum had gone off to meet her boyfriend and now Marsha lay across an armchair, with her gangly legs dangling over one arm and her hands behind her head. How could she be so relaxed? I sat hunched on the edge of my seat, staring at the telephone.
‘We ring Norman,’ Marsha said. ‘We tell him something that makes him come round here. Something that will also make him go down into the cellar.’
‘Treasure. Tell him there’s something valuable down there.’
Marsha shook her head and gazed at the ceiling. ‘Norman’s not a pirate. He’s an extraterrestrial. Suppose we let him believe we know something about him. Tell him we’ve got something of his in our cellar?’
I was edgy. ‘We’ve only got one chance to get this right. He won’t fall for it twice. It’s got to be good.’
‘I know. We have to let him think we’ve got something important on him, but without telling him what.’
This was beginning to sound like complicated espionage stuff to me. ‘You’re going to make the call, aren’t you?’ I asked.
‘Stop fretting and hand me the phone.’ Marsha took several tissues and shoved them over the mouthpiece. A moment later she’d dialled and I’d turned into a nervous wreck. (Yes, again. Nervous wrecks are my speciality.) Marsha cleared her throat.
‘NORMAN VORK?’ Good grief! Marsha’s voice had dropped two octaves. It even made me jump! It sounded as if she was talking from beyond the grave. ‘We know all about you. We know what you’re up to, you AND your family’ Marsha spoke slowly and deliberately ‘We have something of yours, something VERY important, something SECRET, something YOU wouldn’t want anyone to know about. If you want us to keep quiet you’d better get over here fast, VERY fast, or we’re going to the authorities, and you know what that means, Norman.’
Marsha spouted her addr
ess and put down the phone. She let out a long breath and collapsed back on the settee. She looked exhausted. Several minutes ticked by. I bit my lip.
‘Do you think he’ll come?’
‘Definitely.’ Marsha jumped up again and zipped into the cellar. ‘I’m taking the bulb out so it’s completely dark,’ she called back. ‘OΚ, are we ready? Rob, you look like a ghost. You’re not going to faint on me, are you?’
Before I could answer, the doorbell rang. Through the frosted glass panel we could see a dark shape looming.
‘It’s him,’ said Marsha, and I was glad to see that even she looked a bit rattled. She took a deep breath and opened the door. Norman slunk in, scowling at the pair of us.
‘You!’ he sneered, as soon as he clapped eyes on me. ‘I might have known. It’s the Boy Who’s Going to Save the World.’ He turned on Marsha. ‘So who are you then, the deputy sheriff?’
‘You won’t think you’re so clever when you see what we’ve got,’ Marsha said quietly, and she fixed him with one of her hooded glares.
‘Oh yeah? Don’t tell me, you’ve found one of our space ships in your back garden.’
‘It’s something a lot better than that,’ said Marsha. ‘It’s down here. If you know what’s good for you – and your family – you’d better take a look.’ She stood to one side and showed him the open cellar door. Norman frowned, paused, and stepped inside.
BANG! The door slammed and I turned the key. In an instant Norman was hammering from the inside. ‘Let me out, you slimy rats! Let me out of here!’
We listened to him for a moment and watched the door quivering as he rained blows on the inside, but there was no way he could get out. We went back to the front room and sat down in triumph. We could still hear his shouts, but they were distant now, and after a while he stopped.
‘He’s probably starting to change,’ I muttered. Marsha frowned.
‘We have a small problem,’ she began. ‘I wish I’d thought of it before. We can’t see if Norman’s changed unless we open the cellar door. If we open the door he’ll escape.’
I'm Telling You, They're Aliens! Page 5
