"Look, you know this afternoon could have ended up badly."
“But it didn’t. So just drop it please.”
“I can’t. I need to know what…”
"Stop it," Tyler snapped.
She looked away in frustration, and Kate bit her lower lip as she watched her expression grow even more remote and shut-down. Tyler was right in a way, she reflected worryingly. They had not known each other for long, and Kate had just pushed her pretty hard. She did not want to lose her friendship, and it was hard for her but she had to ask, she had to push. This was a battlefield after all, and her job was to make sure that everybody at Cobel was fit for duty. So that they were safe. There could be no exceptions, not even for Tyler. In fact, especially not for her.
“Please, Tyler," she said softly.
Her tone was gentle. She reached out and touched her wrist with her fingertips.
Tyler felt her touch and struggled with a deep-seated urge to shake her off and run away, as far as she could. From the demands of a stranger, from the emotions that Kate stirred inside of her every time she insisted for more honesty, more openness, more connection. Tyler wanted to run to protect herself, and she probably would have done exactly that, if only it had been somebody else. But there was something about Kate that stopped her. She met her eyes, and in that instant she knew that if she refused to talk to her there would be no coming back. Their friendship would be over, just like that. If there was one thing Tyler had learnt about the medic over their past few weeks together, it was that Kate would not stand for any kind of bullshit. From anyone.
Realising exactly how much her friendship with Kate meant to her was enough to give her a headache.
"Okay, if you really need to know," she mumbled.
She breathed out and looked at Kate, and Kate’s legs suddenly felt weak with relief at the realisation that she had not messed up the one professional relationship that meant more to her than any she had had in a long time.
“I’m sorry doc," Tyler said simply. "I have had panic attacks before.”
"Does Cox know?"
“Yes. I wouldn't be here if he didn't."
"Does he know about this afternoon too?"
"No.”
“Okay. So when are you going to tell him?”
“There is no need to mention it.”
Tyler was so tense she was almost shaking.
“There is no need, doc,” she repeated as Kate continued to gaze at her in complete silence. “Trust me. I would tell you if it was a problem, and it’s not.”
Kate waited her out for a couple of seconds, but Tyler remained silent this time, and eventually Kate nodded slowly. She had many more questions to ask, but she realised that this would have to do for now. Despite her even tone of voice Tyler looked very upset, and almost like she was about to cry, and Kate wished there was something she could have said or done to help her. Anything. If only she knew what.
“Thank you for being honest with me,” she said, at a loss for words, and Tyler just shrugged and looked away again.
Kate hesitated.
“I’m sorry," she said. "I know you're angry with me...”
“I'm not angry. You‘re just doing your job.”
“This is not about the job,” Kate countered, and immediately wondered if it had been such a wise thing to tell Tyler. She sighed in frustration. To hell with it.
“I care about you, Ty. Okay? That’s why. And you scared me this afternoon.”
Once again the heartfelt emotion in her voice, the genuine concern, tore at Tyler's heart.
“It won‘t happen again,” she said roughly.
She shrugged a little and this time she maintained eye contact.
“I haven’t had one of those panic attacks in nearly eight months now. I kind of thought it was all behind me.”
Without thinking, Kate grabbed hold of her arms with both hands and pulled her closer to her. Tyler was too cold.
“If you don’t feel well,” she said urgently, “then talk to me, okay? Nobody else needs to know, and nobody will, I promise. But if anything happened to you out on patrol, I just…”
She stopped abruptly and dropped her hands. She realised at once that she had no words to explain how she would feel if anything happened to Tyler. She just could not bear to think about it, and it had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the job. She breathed out and gave a little shake of the head.
“I’m fine. And nothing is going to happen Kate,” Tyler said confidently.
Kate gave her a heartfelt smile.
“I will hold you to that, captain," she said fiercely.
For a few seconds they just stared into each other's eyes.
“I told Collins I would do circuits with him and the guys tonight,” Kate said eventually, reluctantly. “So I’ve got to go get sweaty
again.”
Tyler smiled a little.
“Sweaty can be fun,” she said without conviction.
“Are you coming?”
“Better not. I still have a lot of work to do here.”
“Anything I can help you with?”
“No, but thanks.”
Tyler smiled tiredly.
“You go put the boys through their paces doc. I'm fine.”
She watched Kate go, suddenly aware that she was trembling. She dropped onto her chair and leaned her elbows on the table, slowly running both hands through her hair. She stared numbly into space as she thought of the way Kate had just stood up to her. Because she cared. Tyler felt her face heat up as she remembered her exact words. I care about you, Ty.
She suspected there would be more questions. She was not sure exactly how she would deal with those, if and when they came. Yet a part of her wanted to believe that whatever Kate asked, and whatever Tyler revealed about herself, it would be okay.
She remembered talking to one of the psychiatrists at Camp Pendleton, a marine like her. Yet she had not trusted him. She had held back and told him exactly what he expected to hear. Turns out he could not have cared less anyway. He went through the motions, cleared her for active duty, and two days later she had landed at Kandahar. Since then there had been no panic attacks.
Until today.
Chapter Six
“How many confirmed KIA?”
Kate ran into the Ops Room tent a week later just as the company commander asked the question.
KIA. Killed In Action.
Major Tim Cox nodded in her direction when he spotted her, his sea- blue eyes preoccupied, his mind obviously fully on the conversation he was having with the patrol commander currently out in the field. Kate nodded at him, and she quickly scanned the room until she spotted Tyler, standing up at the back of the tent, oblivious to what was going on around them, busy studying a bunch of maps on the table. Safe.
“One confirmed KIA,” the tense reply came over the radio. “We have three Cat B coming in as well.”
“You got that doctor?” Cox enquired, glancing toward Kate again, this time his full attention on her.
“Yes sir. We’re ready for them. Lieutenant Thomson is already talking to Bastion about extraction,” Kate added, referring to her colleague Rich.
Matt was out on R&R in Kandahar. It would fall to the two remaining medics to treat the wounded and make sure they were ready for transport back to Bastion. Cat B wounded meant that the soldiers’ injuries were life threatening. Kate felt worried and extremely on edge, but absolutely ready to do the best she could do with the resources she had. If she had to, she would even make them up.
Tyler looked up sharply when she heard her voice, her grey eyes focusing on her with the familiar intensity that Kate had come to expect. Tyler was always that little bit more switched on, that little bit more intense than everybody else seemed to be. Especially when Kate was around.
“I’m with you doc,” she volunteered straight away.
“Keep me posted,” Cox said to her as she ran out with Kate.
“What happened?” Kate asked as they made their way
quickly toward the medical tent.
She had been in bed grabbing some sleep after a long patrol when she was called back out again. Six hours on her feet and one major contact during that patrol, but no casualties on their side and a few Taliban weapons seized and destroyed. Kate had been looking forward to a few hours of sleep, but it was not to be.
“A troop of British Marines were out with members of the ANA about five miles from here when they got ambushed,” Tyler explained, walking fast. “The ANA chief got killed, and three of the marines got injured in an RPG blast. We sent a bunch of our guys out to help bring them back, they should be here in ten minutes.”
Kate nodded, her mind on the task ahead of her.
“Okay. We'll be ready for them when they come in.”
“Is there anything I can help you with out here?” Tyler asked, stopping abruptly just outside the tent.
Kate looked at her and did not reply straight away.
Tyler was still wearing her patrol kit, minus her Bergen, and she had her weapon in hand. She was still dusty and sweaty from their earlier outing, and Kate suddenly realised that she must have been busy in a debrief all that time. She felt guilty that she had managed a shower and a lie down when Tyler had obviously been up and working all the while.
“Are you going straight back out again?” she asked in dismay.
“Yeah. I’m going out to help secure the LZ with the guys. Unless you need me here."
“I think we should be fine.”
"Okay."
Tyler gave her a quick nod and started to walk away.
“I’ll see you later doc. Good luck, okay?”
“Hang on just a second, Ty.”
Kate ran inside the medical tent and came back out with a bottle of Lucozade.
“Drink this.”
Tyler grabbed the bottle with a grateful smile.
“Thanks. I’m on fire.”
“Bet you haven’t eaten either?”
“Haven’t had time.”
Kate narrowed her eyes at her as she suddenly spotted the faint shadows under her eyes, which were not normally that obvious. She put a hand on her shoulder and dropped her voice.
“Are you feeling all right?”
Tyler shrugged.
"Sure. Just a long day at the office is all."
Kate observed her for a second longer. There had been no repeats of the panic attack and no signs that Tyler was unwell in any way. Yet Kate had been on red alert ever since that day.
Tyler slipped on her sunglasses and made a face.
"Stop fretting doc, I'm fine," she said.
Kate smiled a little.
“Sorry. I’m not going all dramatic on you I swear.“
Tyler gave a soft chuckle and drained the rest of the Lucozade.
“Hope not.”
“Be careful.”
“Always.”
For the next fifty minutes Kate did not think of anything except the three lives which were in her hands. She and David managed to stabilise the wounded Royal Marines, and as the guys flew out of Cobel on the rescue helicopter Kate felt certain that they stood a good chance, thanks to their work.
She spent an hour cleaning their equipment afterwards whilst David did a thorough inventory of everything they had used and everything they would need to replace.
Once this was done she walked back to the Ops tent for a quick word with Major Cox.
Then she was on her own time once more.
It was nearly five in the afternoon by then and getting dark, and she immediately went in search of Tyler. She tried the kitchen before going to their tent, and as she opened the flap to walk inside Collins stormed past her, looking angry and almost knocking her over. He did not stop to talk or apologise. Frowning, Kate walked in, and
immediately noticed that Tyler looked upset.
“Hey. What’s up?” she asked, concerned.
Tyler glanced at her and sighed a little. Kate seemed to have this uncanny knack for always appearing at the most awkward of times, she reflected.
“We had some bad news today,” she said. “Don’t worry about it.”
But Kate narrowed her eyes at her, instantly worried.
“Bad news from home?” she asked.
"Yes.”
“What happened?”
“A marine I served with,” Tyler explained reluctantly. “One of Ben's friends. He killed himself yesterday."
“Bloody hell, Tyler,” Kate murmured.
She immediately sat down close to her, wrapped her arm around her waist and held on tight.
“I’m sorry sweetheart. What happened?”
Tyler’s mind stumbled on the word. Sweetheart? she thought. Since when? But it felt good, and she unconsciously allowed herself to lean against Kate a little more.
"His name was Gary. He was thirty two," she said. “Got wounded on tour a year ago, left the Marines, started drinking. He was arrested on DUI a couple of times. There was some fighting in bars... His wife left him. I guess everything got too much for him eventually."
“Were you close?”
“We'd been on tour together. You know.”
“Of course.”
“And it reminded me of someone else that I...“
Tyler realised she was on the verge of revealing way too much. Her voice suddenly caught in her throat and she quickly looked away, but not before Kate could spot the flash of emotion in her eyes. She frowned and opened her mouth to speak.
“Anyway,” Tyler carried on quickly, before Kate had a chance to say anything. “Gary was really good friends with Ben. I just told him the news, and he didn‘t take it very well.”
“Where is he now?”
Tyler shrugged a little.
“Out working it out of his system I guess,” she said in a low voice.
Kate nodded quietly, watching her.
“What about you?” she asked.
“Me what?”
“How will you work it out of your system?”
Tyler turned her head to look at her. Kate was so close to her. If she had moved her head only a little bit she would have been able to kiss her. Where the hell that thought had come from she had no idea. But the woman‘s fingers felt red hot against her wrist, and Tyler felt her face heat up all of a sudden.
She blinked a couple of times.
“Don‘t need to,” she murmured.
Kate reflected that there were several things she could have said in answer to Tyler’s comment, none helpful in their current situation. She shifted a little and relaxed her grip on her. When she did she noted the quick spark of frustration mixed with unconscious relief in Tyler’s eyes, and she did not know exactly what it meant.
“If you say so,” she said quietly.
Tyler‘s gaze clouded over like a hurricane coming, and she nodded a little, seemingly lost in her own thoughts. Not good ones.
“Yeah,” she said hoarsely.
She suddenly realised how badly she wanted Kate to touch her again. She felt cold all of a sudden, felt the separation, and she struggled to maintain her composure.
“Hey. You still with me?” Kate asked.
Tyler twitched.
“Yeah, sorry. Just a bit distracted that’s all."
She was taken aback when Kate moved behind her without warning and rested her hands on her shoulders. Tyler tensed up. Had the woman been reading her mind?
“What are you doing?” she asked, suddenly worried.
"Helping you. Relax."
“I don’t need help, I’m fine.”
Kate gave a soft laugh as she moved her hands over the rigid muscles in Tyler's shoulders.
"I'd say you need a lot of help actually," she remarked. "You're so tight I’m surprised you can even move your head."
She pressed her thumbs into a particularly hard knot at the base of her neck, and kept on it even when Tyler squirmed uncomfortably under her touch.
"Ow, Kate, that hurts."
"Shh. Stay still. I need to get this one.
"
She applied pressure until she felt the painful spot soften, and rubbed her palm in small circles over it.
"How's that? Just pressure now, no pain?"
Tyler had closed her eyes.
"Hmm, yeah," she mumbled. “Just pressure.”
Kate nodded and lowered her hands a little more.
“Let me do this,” she murmured. “Okay?”
“I need to go find Ben...”
“I know, but it won‘t take long, Ty. You won’t be any good to anybody around here if you end up getting injured yourself, all right? Lie down.”
Tyler hesitated, but she reckoned a couple of minutes would not hurt, and it was hard to walk away. She knew she was kidding herself that this was only a case of tight shoulder muscles keeping her in place.
But she was too tired to fight it.
“Okay then,” she murmured as she lay on the bed and rested her head on her folded arms. “Five minutes, doc.”
“Yes, captain.”
The more she got to know Tyler the more Kate realised that there were two clear sides to her personality. One was her professional armour, calm, solid, confident. The one everyone got to experience when Tyler was out on patrol or working with her troops. That side of her which left no one in any doubt that when things got tight and dangerous, they could look to Tyler for strength and direction. She would only let them see what she wanted them to see, that she was a leader, an invincible soldier, not a vulnerable woman made of simple flesh and blood.
Kate was pretty sure not many people, if any, were ever allowed to see past her barriers, through the carefully constructed shield of her professional excellence. The other side of Tyler, the one that Kate herself had only caught a few fleeting impressions of, was alive and kicking behind her walls. There was a sadness there, heavy, profound and undiluted. Intense and dangerous, waiting patiently for its moment to strike.
Kate did not know what it meant, who or what had put it there, but she worried that at some point in the near future it might become too difficult for Tyler to control it. The panic attack not that long ago had been a clear warning of that, and as she carried on with her gentle massage she wondered how long it would take before Tyler collapsed under the weight of her emotions. Hopefully never, she thought. But she was worried about her. If and when it happened, front-line Afghanistan would be no place for a breakdown.
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