“What’s so funny?” she enquired, puzzled.
Tyler squeezed her eyes shut, and rested her hand flat on top of her head.
“Damn,” she giggled a little drunkenly, wincing. “Hurts when I laugh...”
Kate reached for her and kissed her on the lips gently.
“You fool. Of course it does."
Tyler took a slow breath and started walking again.
"It's better when you kiss me..."
“Good. So what's so funny?”
“I just thought about the last time I felt as tired as this, and it was with Ashley...”
Tyler stopped abruptly and grinned at Kate.
"With Ashley?“
"Yeah..."
Kate raised a wary eyebrow.
“Were you two... ever together?"
Tyler shook her head a little, her eyes on her friend in the distance. A smile tugged at the corners of her lips as she remembered.
"Once, almost," she said. "The whole thing was a bit clumsy."
"Clumsy how?"
Tyler started laughing again softly.
"We'd been on a training exercise for a few days. It was the sort where they dump you in the mountains and all you do is crawl around in mud, freeze to death at night, and do a lot of running around in circles."
Kate snorted.
"Yep, I know the kind. Can't say I miss them much. Can you walk and talk?"
“Yeah.”
“Good. So what happened?”
"On the day we finished the exercise, Ashley was supposed to get back to San Francisco but she missed her bus. So I invited her to spend the night at my house."
Kate rolled her eyes.
"Okay, I can see where this is going. I don't think I need all the details, Ty."
Tyler smiled and brushed blood off her cheek.
"It's a funny story. You want to hear?"
Kate was curious despite the little buzz of jealousy she felt. And she was keen to keep Tyler’s mind off her injured head. She wrapped her arm around her partner’s waist and let her lean against her as they walked.
"Go on," she said with a little smile.
"Okay. So we were both really, really tired. We had a shower, separately, and then we sat on the couch and Ashley had a couple of beers. And then she kissed me. Dropped her bottle and spilled half her beer down the back of my neck."
Tyler laughed at the memory, stopping again.
Kate nudged her on gently.
“Nearly there. Keep going.”
"We had known about each other being gay for a long time, so that was okay. And then Ashley said perhaps we'd better just 'do it' once, just to see if we were right for each other. So I said fine.”
Kate glanced at her partner, laughing in spite of herself.
“Right,” she said. “Very romantic.”
Tyler stumbled, almost drunk with fatigue now, but she kept going.
“Every time Ashley tried to kiss me I just couldn't help but laugh. After a while Ash got the hump with me and stormed off to bed.”
Kate looked at her as Tyler slowed.
“What happened next?” she asked.
“I went to bed with her."
"And?" Kate insisted.
"Nothing," Tyler replied with a little smile. "We tried... But Ash is like my sister. In the end we just fell asleep and that was that."
She stumbled again, and it was obvious that she would not be able to keep going for long.
"How far are we now, Kate?” she murmured.
“Not far. You’re doing great, honey.”
Tyler took a hard breath.
“I think I’m going to throw up. I am so tired, this isn‘t even funny anymore.”
“Was it ever?” Kate muttered.
CONCLUSION
Annette was released from hospital almost immediately, and announced that she was taking a taxi to go spend some time with her nephew in Toulon. She insisted on seeing Tyler first, who sat on a treatment table waiting for Kate, still covered in blood and dust and looking exhausted. Annette simply put her arms around her, cupped her chin in her hand and whispered a few words to her that made Tyler chuckle. Then she gave her a big smack on the lips and walked away smiling.
“Hello captain.”
Tyler’s eyes lit up when she spotted Kate watching her from the doorway.
“Hello doc.”
“Snogging the locals I see?”
Tyler gave a tired smile.
“No energy left for any of that I‘m afraid.”
Kate walked to her and stood in between her legs close to the exam table. Her expression was serious, and remained so even when Tyler rested her hands on her hips and pulled her closer to her. She lay a cool hand on her forehead, and then gently brushed the hair from her face.
“You’re burning up,” she remarked with a frown. “How are you feeling, really?”
"I'm okay," Tyler said.
She shivered a little, and Kate rolled her eyes.
“Must be a glitch in your programming,” she muttered.
“What?”
“Always lying to me about how you feel.”
Tyler watched as she snapped on a pair of latex gloves and grabbed a suture kit.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
Kate gave her a stern look and a crooked smile.
"Do you really think I am going to let some strange doctor put his hands on you?"
Tyler relaxed immediately.
"Good. I hate doctors," she declared.
Kate pulled a stool in front of her and chuckled softly.
"No you don't," she said. "I am one of them, remember?"
They were eye to eye now. Tyler rested her clear grey eyes on her, and Kate felt her heart tighten. The urge to protect her, to take care of her, was absolutely overwhelming. She briefly touched her lips with hers, and then pushed her down gently.
"Relax, honey."
"I do love you," Tyler said.
Kate smiled as she reached for an alcohol swab.
"Good. And I am sorry, this is going to sting a little," she said gently.
"Go for it."
"The MRI didn't show anything we need to worry about, Ty,” Kate explained as she worked. “Collins was right, you do have a pretty hard head...”
“If I recall, he said that about you, doc, not me,” Tyler pointed out.
But Kate had spotted the instant flash of emotion in her eyes at the mention of her friend, and she immediately reached out to touch her hand.
“I miss him,” Tyler murmured. “When we were at Cobel, he wanted me to kiss you. Did you know that? Kept telling me I should make the first move.”
Kate gave a soft laugh and carried on with her work.
“Really? I had no idea.”
“He would be happy for us now,” Tyler reflected, and she raised her hand to her head.
“Hey, don’t touch it,” Kate warned, taking her hand and lacing her fingers through hers instead.
“Right. So can we go home now?”
“I don't know about that. One night in hospital wouldn’t hurt.”
Tyler tried to sit up and felt instantly dizzy.
“See?” Kate insisted. “You should stay. You can barely open your eyes, and I have just put seven stitches in your head.”
Tyler gave her a pleading look and managed to sit up this time.
“No," she said more firmly. "I hate hospitals. I feel like shit. I want a shower, and I want my bed.”
“I don‘t like seeing you in hospital either,” Kate conceded. "But..."
Tyler gave her a little look.
"I want you in my bed too, doc," she said.
Kate gave a low chuckle.
"Well. Now you're talking," she said.
It was just getting dark by the time they made it back to Sausset, and Tyler was glad of the fact. She was hurting. Despite the big dose of pain killers Kate had given her at the hospital she had a major headache, and it only seemed to be getting more intense with every step that
she took.
She had a quick shower, picked at her food, and went to bed wearing her favourite oversized USMC hoody. She snuggled deep under the covers as Kate busied herself with bandages and pain killers. Tyler watched her intently the whole time. It was wonderful to have her moving around the room, she reflected. Not to be alone. She smiled a little and took her time stretching.
“How do you feel?” Kate asked her for the third time in just about ten minutes.
Tyler thought for a second.
“You know that feeling when you go for a long hard swim, and then dress up in warm clothes and drink hot chocolate?” she said.
Kate paused to consider this for a moment.
“Yeah I think I know what you mean,” she smiled. “If I replace your swimming with rowing in the cold for hours. Endorphins kicking in. I call it my 'Zen feeling'.”
“Yeah. That’s how I feel,” Tyler said with a little grin. "'Zen feeling. That's cool, I like it."
She gave her lover a mushy smile and sank deeper onto the bed.
“I feel delicious. Are you coming in?”
“Soon. I just want to call Ash first, make sure she and Marion got back okay.”
“Okay. Tell them I said hi.”
Kate went up the stairs to call, and when she got back Tyler was fast asleep already. She had pulled the covers tighter around her. She lay on her stomach across the bed, the hood of her sweater pulled loosely over her head. Kate moved carefully next to her, sliding close under the covers but mindful not to wake her. She lay a soft hand on her cheek, and frowned a little when she realised how hot her skin still felt.
With a sigh she settled next to her, and she allowed herself to rest her hand on her arm. The touch grounded her, reassured her that Tyler was there, back in her world once more. Connected, forever at last. She closed her eyes and breathed out. Within minutes she was asleep too.
Kate woke up a couple of hours later when a scream shattered the silence. She bolted upright and reached for Tyler, who was kneeling up facing the wall, and punching it with all her might.
“Stop! What are you doing!” Kate exclaimed.
She grabbed Tyler’s wrist to stop her hitting the wall again, and she gasped at the look of panic she saw in her eyes.
“Ty, it‘s okay,” she said quickly.
Tyler was staring wildly at a spot behind her head and twisting to get away from her.
“Don't,” she yelled.
“Tyler, it’s me. Come on, wake up.”
She was covered in sweat and crying.
The look of fear in her eyes scared Kate half to death. Quickly, she put her arms around her and tried to get her to calm down.
“It’s okay, it’s okay… I’m here,” she murmured.
Tyler struggled against her still, and Kate rested her hand against the back of her head, holding her close.
“Just breathe,” she said gently. “It’s only me, babe.”
“Kate?" Tyler mumbled.
"I'm here. You had a bad dream. It’s all right, I've got you.”
Tyler trembled in her arms.
“They’ll cut me,” she whispered, and she started to hyperventilate again as the old panic grabbed hold of her once more.
The dream was pulling her back under. She was back in that room, back in Bastion before the op. She had regained consciousness just as the surgeon was marking her leg. She had tried to argue with him, to stop him, but all he kept saying was that she would not feel a thing, and that they would make her sleep now, and not to worry. She was scared to death of going to sleep and not waking up. She had struggled. She remembered how he had nodded to a couple of nurses then. Suddenly there were hands grabbing her, holding her down. Someone had forced an oxygen mask over her face. In her dream the woman holding the mask was always Helen.
“No,” she sobbed.
Kate closed her eyes and held her harder.
“I’m here, baby,” she said firmly. “I am not leaving you and nobody is going to hurt you. I promise.”
Tyler shook her head and struggled against the memories.
“Relax. It‘s just me and you now,” Kate told her.
She settled more heavily against Tyler.
She held her for a long time, just rocking gently, whispering to her, and after a while Tyler finally settled down. The night was still and warm and the boat was rocking gently as it always did. Kate’s arms were strong around her. Kate was holding her. This was real. Not the other stuff.
She took several shaky breaths and allowed her lover to pull her back down against the pillows. Tyler burrowed against her and she shivered.
“I’m sorry,” she muttered.
“Don‘t be,” Kate said immediately. “You get that dream often?”
Tyler nodded a little and pressed herself tighter into her lover's embrace.
“How often, sweetheart?”
"I used to get it three or four times a week."
"Used to?"
"Yeah. I don't get it when you're around."
Kate closed her eyes.
"And the panic attacks?"
"Same thing," Tyler said softly. Then she added, “I don’t want to go back to sleep.”
Kate kissed the top of her head and nodded.
“Tell you what, me either. Want to go get some fresh air?”
“Yes.”
They sat on deck under the stars, legs dangling over the side, drinking ice tea. Kate pulled the zip on Tyler’s fleece a bit higher, and she framed her face in her hands, looking at her intently.
“You okay? Are you warm enough?” she asked.
“Yes, thanks. Sorry about the…”
Kate raised her hand and gave a small shake of the head at the same time.
“You really have nothing to be sorry about,” she said.
She glanced at Tyler’s hand and sighed at the sight of the already swollen and bruised knuckles.
“You need some ice on that,” she said.
“Yeah,” Tyler said, so softly that Kate barely heard her.
“I’m glad you hit the wall and not me,” she joked, and she nudged
Tyler’s shoulder playfully, smiling as she did.
Tyler shook her head.
"I hate this," she said darkly. "I could have hurt you."
"But you didn't," Kate interrupted firmly. “And I am just worried about you. PTSD is not something to be taken lightly.”
Tyler turned to her with tears in her eyes.
She looked a little shocked.
"I didn‘t want you to know" she said. “How did you...”
"I'm a doctor, Ty. I know the signs. And I know you."
Somehow Kate had known for a long time that Tyler was affected. She knew it about her when they were at Cobel. She had assumed then that it was linked to some event in her past.
When Tyler had told her about her lover's suicide she had realised that it had probably been the trigger, and obviously the events at Cobel would only have made it worse. Now the fire, the crash, and the long march through burning woods could easily have brought it all back.
“There is nothing wrong with me, Kate,” Tyler said stubbornly.
"I know that babe. You had a stressful day that's all."
“My left ankle is driving me nuts.”
“Phantom pain,” Kate acknowledged. “Feels very real, doesn't it?”
“Yes, it does,” Tyler agreed with a small nod.
Kate pursed her lips, feeling frustrated at the thought that she would never really be able to help with this kind of pain. She was silent for a little while, and then she spoke again.
“Sometimes I dream about Cobel too,” she said softly.
“Bad dreams?” Tyler asked immediately.
When Kate nodded silently she tightened her hold on her hand.
“What sort of dreams?” she asked.
“Mainly ones in which I can’t stop someone from bleeding to death.”
Kate smiled sadly as she looked at her lover.
“You�
��re in those dreams sometimes. I lose you in my dreams, and
today I almost lost you for real. Third time now, Tyler.”
Tyler returned her stare, and her eyes were calm now, and true.
“There won’t be another one,” she said. “I promise.”
“Say that again.”
“I promise, Kate.”
Kate smiled a little, and kissed her softly on the lips.
“Okay,” she said. “I believe you.”
“What was it like for you after I got medivaced out?”
Kate took a deep breath.
“It was very chaotic for a while,” she said. “The guys were wild, angry. You were gone, and so was Ben. Everything felt very out of control, and for a while it really was. It was the scariest situation I have ever been involved in.“
“But the company commander was there, right?” Tyler asked, frowning a little.
“Yes, but it didn't really help. The guys needed one of their own. It was Lenster who saved the day in the end. He took charge, he talked to everyone. He was amazing.”
Tyler nodded, looking pleased and not surprised.
“Lenster is a good guy. Solid. The more stressful things get, the better he normally performs,” she remarked.
She nodded at Kate, her clear grey eyes glistening softly in the
moonlight as they settled on her face.
“What about you, what was it like for you after I went?”
“Horrible.”
Kate didn’t have to think about that one for very long.
“It was awful,” she said with feeling.” We went back to camp, and I went back to our tent, and all your stuff was there. But you were gone. It felt like a bad dream. I couldn’t believe I didn’t jump on that helicopter with you when I had the chance. If it was now, I wouldn‘t hesitate for a second.”
“Hmm. Going AWOL… Not a very good idea at the best of times.”
“I know, but then I just didn’t care. I knew there was a chance you would not make it. I was stuck over there not knowing and it was driving me nuts.”
“You had a job to do.”
Kate looked intently at Tyler, gave a little shrug, and grinned.
“Yes. I did. So I made pancakes for everyone.”
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