My eyes widened, and I reared back slightly, stunned by his revelation. “You care? How can you care?”
He huffed, the earlier affection he looked at me with vanishing before my eyes. “Why is no one allowed to care for you, Lily?”
“What?”
“You’re such a damn stubborn woman! You’re so closed off sometimes I feel like I need a crowbar to even talk to you. Stop using your past as an excuse and face it head on!”
Heat flooded my face, but when I tried to turn away again, he shook his head angrily. “Stop hiding from me! Stop hiding from the truth. Most of all, stop hiding from yourself! Accept it!”
My head shook, and I tried to move away, but his firm hold on my arms stopped any chance of escape. Tears swamped my eyes and when the scorch of them burned my already hot cheeks, I hit out at him and punched him in his chest.
“Stop it! Stop doing this!”
“No!” he thundered, making me blink. “You stop! Accept it, Lily. Accept what they did to you and start healing from it!”
Stunned by the knowledge he had, I gasped in horror. Words wouldn’t form, my heart wouldn’t beat, and shame clogged my throat.
“I know what they did to you, Lily. I know they hurt you. Shame and blame aren't even a factor, but I know that’s what you think you should feel. What happened wasn’t your fault, Lily. It wasn’t!”
I snapped then, the last eight years of torturous degradation breaking down the dam that I had erected to hold everything back.
“It was my fault! IT WAS!”
“Utter – fucking – bullshit!”
“You don’t know!” I sobbed, beating my fists at him with every bit of horror that rushed from me. “I gave myself to them. They didn’t take it. I gave it to them!” The agony of it all took my breath, and I gulped at air when the room spun from under me.
Harrison took my wrath. He stood still, absorbing every single hit that I rained down on him. “Harder. What are you, a fucking girl?”
I screamed. He wasn’t Harrison anymore. He was him. He was her. He was every bit of the pain that had broken me. He was every single ounce of shame, and guilt and misery that had consumed me for way too long.
“It’s not your fault,” he whispered as he lifted up my exhausted body and carried me through to the bedroom. “It’s not your fault, Lily Cooper.”
Laying me on the bed, he curled up behind me and wrapped me in his fierce embrace.
I’d never felt as safe as I did right then. The layer of armour that his embrace draped over my soul gave me a sense of utter peace.
It was time. And although my mind confused itself with the fact that I wanted to share my story with Harrison, a man I barely knew, my soul knew it was vital if I was to survive.
“The second day they held me,” I started, holding onto to Harrison’s strong arms as they held me tighter, “they threatened to take my mother too.”
I felt him stiffen. He understood exactly what I was saying.
“I was fourteen, Harrison. At the time, I didn’t figure out that they were just playing me. Fear obscures reality with deception.”
He nodded. “You don’t need to vindicate your actions, Lily. Every single thing you did or didn’t do is justified. Please don’t apologise for anything that happened.”
“I begged them not to hurt her. I pleaded with them until I couldn’t breathe.” Fat tears dropped onto the pillow and I swiped at them, angry at how they stung my cheeks. “They… They said if I fucked them…” I closed my eyes and shivered, each memory haunting me like it was yesterday. “…and made it worth their while, they’d leave her alone.”
“I understand.”
My teeth chattered, and the pit of my stomach vaulted when my mind recalled every minute of the horror that had damaged me.
“I came, Harrison,” I sobbed and pulled his arms around me tighter, needing his protection to shield me from the perversion of my own body. “Who the fuck orgasms when they’re raped?”
“You’d be surprised,” he said softly. Turning me over, so I was facing him, he gently wiped my tears. “The mind is often aroused, that’s primarily the most vital part of making love. But,” he paused, making sure he had all my attention, “the body also relies on stimulation and touch. You think your body betrayed you, but, really, it just did what it was supposed to do, what nature intended to provide from sex. Whether it’s sex that you want or not.”
“But…”
“No buts, Lily. There are no buts. The only but there is is what you tell yourself over and over again. Yet, not one of those is justified.” A deep frown creased his brow when his eyes fell to my mouth. Softly, he stroked his thumb across my lips, dabbing away the wetness from my tears. “You hurt yourself because you think you deserve it. You cut yourself because you think it’s justice for something you consider wrong and depraved.”
His touch lightened, but his face had become so close to mine that I could feel each of his warm breaths grazing my lips.
“Yes.” It was a simple answer, but it was the right one.
The pain reflected at me from his eyes told me that he also had demons that tugged at his conscience, that maybe he was talking to himself as well as me.
“And what about you?” I whispered. I didn’t want to move. I wanted to feel his breath on my skin forever, the rare peace that he breathed into me making my soul curl up in contentment.
“What about me?”
He edged further towards me until his lips were almost touching mine. Each of my breaths came out in needy puffs, raw, undiluted need making every fibre of me pulse with an appetite I didn’t want. Yet, I couldn’t stop it. I’d never wanted someone to kiss me as much as I did right then. I was as hungry for his mouth on mine as I was greedy for each stab of pain I mutilated myself with. It was a craving I knew I would never be able to withstand.
“You hurt from something, Harrison. Your past haunts you as much as mine does me. I can see your pain like it’s my own. What happened to you?”
His frown hardened as his eyes narrowed to slits. I could tell from the sudden change in him that I’d hit a raw spot, a wound that had never healed. But it was the way he quickly shot off the bed and stormed from the room that revealed his mind was as disfigured as my thighs.
Fourteen
Lily
Harrison shook his head in frustration when I glared at him over my morning coffee. He’d had me up at the crack of dawn when my house had been invaded by his tech team as they searched every inch of my house for hidden cameras. So far, they’d found four concealed devices in various spots around my home.
The fact that I’d been watched for so long, and that I’d had no idea about it, sickened me. Whoever was doing this had smashed every bit of security I’d had in my own house.
“You know you can’t stay here, Lily!”
“But I can’t live from hotel to hotel, Harrison. I can’t. I’ve done that for the last six months; it near off killed me.”
He scoffed. “Is that because you couldn’t fuck yourself up on a whim?”
“Fuck you, you arsehole!”
He’d woken as grumpy as I had, and I had a feeling it was something to with my question the previous night. Or, maybe, it could have just been the fact that whoever it was that wanted to kill me had just upped his game. Whatever it was that had upset him, the bitterness in him was back in full force. I wasn’t sure if I was glad or saddened by that. The fact that he’d become a lot closer than I liked unsettled me. Harrison seemed to think he had a right to discipline me, to tell me what I could and couldn’t do. My scars were mine, and, really, they were the only thing I truly controlled in the madness of my mind.
He sat in a chair opposite me, the plate of toast he’d prepared lying cold and limp in the middle of the table between us. His posture was stiff, and his expression was stony as he scowled at me. I couldn’t understand what I’d done wrong. However, I wasn’t in the mood for his frostiness, I had enough problems to deal with.
“Your captor
s sent you back after two weeks?”
His question caught me off-guard and I blinked in surprise. “Umm, yes.”
“Your parents paid the ransom, and they just sent you back?” He appeared stupefied by that fact and that confused me.
“Why are you surprised? All they wanted, in the end, was money. Mum and Dad paid what they asked for, they blindfolded me and dumped me by St Mayer’s hospital. The police never found anything further to go on after that.”
“Bullshit.” His voice was quiet, as though he was talking to himself, his brow creased with scepticism.
“I’m not lying to you, Harrison!”
Shaking his head, he twisted his lips in thought. “No, I know. It’s not that.” He reached out and started fiddling with the toast, picking at it as his thoughts ran rampant. “Every angle of St Mayer’s is covered by CCTV. There is no way they didn’t find anything from the security footage.”
“You think whoever took me has something to do with what is going on now?”
“I don’t know, but it’s the only thing I have to go on at the moment. I’m praying the tech team can trace the signal link from the cameras.”
A clatter from upstairs made me cringe. I hated the thought of strangers going through my stuff. Still, it wasn’t as disturbing as some weirdo doing the same thing. A shiver rushed through me at the thought of what he’d touched, everything I owned now infected with filth and sickness.
“I can’t stay here, Harrison.”
He sighed heavily and rolled his eyes. “I’ve been telling you that since you were discharged from the hospital, but now because it’s your decision, it’s okay.”
“Do you have to fight with me all the damn time?”
“Do you have to be awkward all the damn time?”
“God,” I snapped through clenched teeth, “Right now, I wish I had some arsenic stocked in the bloody cupboard!”
He snorted. “Right now, I wish I had some chloroform and a rag in my pocket. It’d be a damn sight quieter!”
Snatching up a slice of toast, I tore at it in frustration and returned casually, “Peace is over-rated anyway.”
He reared back in surprise. “What the hell?”
Shrugging, I sedately nibbled more toast, not allowing him to rile me further. “Well, it is. Your mind plays tricks on you in the quiet. Your body becomes lazy when the brain is untroubled.”
From the way he looked at me I could tell he didn’t concur. “Do you know how much I would kill for some peace right now?”
Twisting my lips, I smirked. “Well, you know you can always bugger off without me. At least you’d not have to check your cuppa for a dodgy smell every time you’re in the same room as me.”
“Arsenic is odourless, Lily,” he retorted with a smug grin.
Arsehole.
“I know that!” I fibbed.
“We’re done, Harry,” one of the tech guys said, poking his head around the kitchen door and cutting off Harrison’s smart reply. “Five in total.”
“Cheers, Ron.” Harrison stood and pulled a piece of paper from his pocket as he walked from the room, his conversation with Ron quiet and concealed from my ears.
My phone rang and Mark’s name on the screen made me smile. “Hey.”
“Jesus, Lily. I need to take some lessons from you on how to make the headlines.”
I laughed; his sick humour matched my own. “Well, I believe I have competition now you made the top ten, needed to up my game. Well done on that, by the way.”
“Thank you. But, seriously, are you okay?”
“I’m fine. A little lead in the belly gives me fire.”
“Well, I’m pleased to hear that. Although I recall it was a bullet in your back, not your belly,” he replied with a laugh. “So, you’re healthy enough to take me out to dinner then.”
Trying to suppress the grin on my face, I shook my head in amusement. “There’s an offer a girl can’t refuse. When would you like to be taken out for dinner, Mr Denver?”
“Friday?”
“Sure. I can do Friday.”
“Make sure you forward me the details,” he said before ending the call.
“What can you do on Friday?” Harrison asked from behind me, making me jump.
“Jesus!” I grumbled. “Do you have to sneak up like that?”
He sighed and rolled his eyes. “I didn’t sneak anywhere, I just walked back into the room.” He stared at me, his scowl fierce with irritation. “So, Friday?”
Turning my back on him and clearing the table, I placed the pots in the sink. “I have a date.”
A stifling silence greeted me instead of the raving opposition I expected, and I turned back around. His jaw was clenched as tightly as his fists, his body tense and rigid.
“I’ll make sure I wear the bracelet,” I promised. “I won’t take it off.” I wasn’t sure why I felt the need to ease the worry that was distinctive in the way he stood and glowered, but something inside me cared what he thought and felt. He was always so closed off, any emotion he bared to me a rarity. Whenever his feelings were so naked, I wanted to reach out and touch them just so I could experience more of them.
“I’m not sure it’s a good idea, Lily.”
“You want me to go without it?”
“Not the bracelet!” he snarled. “The fucking date.”
His quick-temper startled me, and I flinched and stepped back.
Seeing the alarm on my face, he bit his lip and closed his eyes to compose himself. “Shit! I’m sorry, Lily. I’m just concerned about this date. I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be alone at the moment.”
“I’m not going to be alone, isn’t that the whole point of being on a date!” I couldn’t keep the anger from my tone. “And if I'm perfectly fucking honest, I’m not sure being around you is any safer than being alone!”
I heard him hiss out a ‘fuck’ just before I slammed the door closed behind me. Jekyll and Hyde was more stable than Harrison bloody Cole, the man needed committing. I thought I had issues, but it was obvious I wasn’t alone on that count.
Fifteen
Harrison
I watched the puzzlement cross her face when she looked out through the enormous window that spanned the entire length of my den wall.
Squinting, Lily leaned closer for a better look. “Is that a pig?”
My own home was the only place I felt secure enough to bring Lily now. All other avenues were risky and would leave both of us vulnerable. Shit, she’d been under my protection and she’d still taken a bullet to the back. The fury over that had been as all-encompassing as the guilt. Sure, I’d made mistakes, and some had paid for them. But this time it had been that little bit too close to home. Memories and the overwhelming feeling of failure had eaten me alive. I’d refused to leave Lily’s hospital bedside until the doctors had confirmed she was okay. Luckily, it had been a flesh wound, but just another few centimetres to the right…
“Harrison?” Lily queried again, breaking me from my thoughts. “You own a pig? Seriously?”
“Well, sort of. Trotters belongs to Philly. I have more space here than Tammy’s house, so he stays with me.”
“Trotters?” She chuckled, shaking her head in amazement. “Well, there it is again.”
“There’s what again?”
“The way you never cease to surprise me. There’s so much of you that you don’t allow people to see.” Her voice had softened as much as her gaze on me. I didn’t think I was all that peculiar, well, not as odd as Lily. Every so often, the random shit that came out of her mouth stupefied me. She was so amazingly smart and astute, but then, with the snap of a finger, a morsel of her utter nonsense left me bewildered. I had to admit, as much as she aggravated me, her quips had a way of endearing me to her. She didn’t provoke me on purpose, and, if I was a little honest, I couldn’t say the same. I loved to wind her up, to witness that feistiness light her belly with the astounding passion I knew lived inside her. It wasn’t often she showed it
, but when she did, it never failed to make my cock stir with both a need to challenge her and a thirst to pen her under me and taste the inferno that blazed within her.
Choosing to ignore her statement – not out of ignorance but because I happened to think the same thing about her, I motioned for her to follow me up the stairs. Her greedy eyes scrutinised everything on the way up to her room. “Surprised to find out I’m human, after all?”
She sniggered, “No, more that you’re… a tidy human.”
Luckily, as she was behind me, she couldn’t see the grin on my face – although, with hindsight, I really should remember to allow her to lead up the stairs. That way my eyes could have their fill of her cute little arse. “You thought I’d live like a troll?”
“No! Not at all!” she refuted. “A tramp, yeah; you’re far too good looking to be a troll.”
“This is you,” I revealed, my head still shaking slightly in amusement, even if I was soundly pleased she thought I was good looking.
Her smile was small, her face pink with embarrassment at her uninhibited judgements, but she nodded firmly. “Thank you.”
“No problem. Although, because it’s quite an old house, we will have to share a bathroom. But there is a lock on the door.”
“Like that ever stopped you,” she mumbled under her breath.
I grimaced inwardly, remembering the time I’d broken down her bathroom door and found her buried under a mountain of bubbles perfectly fine.
Placing her bag on the bed, I smiled at her. “I’m bringing a guy in to share your security.”
Her eyes widened, and she blanched a little. “What?”
“Don’t worry. I’m sure you’re growing tired of all my sullenness by now.” I knew she was, she never held back on what she thought. “And, to be frank, Lily, Philly needs me at the moment.”
The alarm that had covered her face disappeared under a genuine sad smile. “How is she?”
“She’s okay. She’s awake, and hopefully will be discharged by the weekend.”
“Did they find out what was causing her to be so ill?”
Reviving Heaven (Room 103 Book 6) Page 7
