by K. T. Webb
Our older brother Miles is twenty-eight and has been interning at my dad’s law firm. He’s waiting in the living room when we finally make it in the house. He hugs me and kisses the top of my head the way he used to when I was little. He gives CeCe a quick squeeze. Despite the fact that Miles seems to have a new girlfriend every other week, I suspect he’s harboring a crush for CeCe. I wink at him and he scowls back at me.
Thanksgiving weekend is the perfect bridge to get us through the rest of the semester. My parents are eager to know what CeCe and I have planned for post-college life. Neither of us has decided if we’re done or if we want to go on to graduate school. CeCe has been thinking about diving into the legal world. I have no interest in following in either parents’ footsteps. I want to do something with books, either publishing or writing. Maybe both.
I try to hold on to the warm and safe feeling that comes from being with my family as we head back to school. CeCe tries to keep my spirits up by reminding me that we’re almost done with this semester. While I’m relieved to only have one semester remaining before finishing my degree, I also know that being done with this semester means I won’t see Isaac as often.
I know that sounds dumb because I need to stop falling into the delusion that there could be a future for us. No matter how many times I tell myself it’s over, I can’t quite throw away the key to the lock I put on the part of my heart that Isaac holds. I keep falling further and further down the rabbit hole with no hope of escape. Sometimes I’m okay with it and other times I want to slap myself silly.
The snow begins to fly shortly after we get back from Thanksgiving break. Making it through the rest of the semester is easier to bear than I thought it would be. I’m too busy with coursework to think about anything other than the next assignment due date. I’m spared the discomfort of another one-on-one conversation with Isaac. He seems to be avoiding me. I guess I should be happy about that.
I love Chicago at Christmastime. No matter how much snow we get, it doesn’t keep people from shopping. I love going to Christkindlmarkt, the atmosphere is festive and people come from all over to join in. Most people mull in and out of the stores on Michigan Avenue. Which is why I’m not sure how I let CeCe convince me to spend the day shopping with her. I’ve already had all my gifts purchased, wrapped and placed under the Christmas tree for at least a week but CeCe is notorious for last-minute shopping.
“What should I get your parents?”
“Well, dad is always asking for me to buy him a jet, so you could become his favorite if you made that dream come true.”
CeCe rolls her eyes at me, “Yeah, I could write a check for that.”
I hear a ridiculous giggle behind me and can’t help but search for the source. Cassie Peters. This girl gets under my skin in ways I can’t describe. It’s not even really her fault, but everything about her pisses me off. She’s shopping with a friend in the men’s section. She notices me and waves. Crap.
Before I know it Cassie is standing in front of me with rosy cheeks, “Liv! How are you? Are you getting super excited for the end of the term?”
“You have no idea,” I reply dryly, “Doing some last minute shopping?”
Her cheeks redden again, “Oh, I was just picking something out for Isaac, I mean Dr. Miller.”
I glance at her hand. She’s holding a pair of silky boxers. Seriously? Ugh, he prefers boxer briefs. Not that I’m going to tell her that. What the hell is she buying him underwear for? I want to puke.
“Um, are those for him?” CeCe demands behind me.
“What? These? Oh, it was going to be a joke. Do you think he’d find it funny?”
I roll my eyes so hard I swear I can see the inside of my skull. Is she really this stupid or does she know about us and enjoy torturing me?
“You’re kidding, right? Are you dense? Were you dropped on your head as a baby? In what world do you think it would be funny or even appropriate to give your professor a pair of sexy boxers?” CeCe to the rescue.
“Well, I’m sure you heard that I’m his assistant now. You don’t know the kind of friendship we’ve built. I think he would like them. He’d see the humor in it.”
“I’m sure he’ll get a good laugh when he thinks about how you’re a tasteless slut,” CeCe is on a roll.
“Anyway, good luck finding something. I might suggest something like a sweater or a tie. He looks good in gray. See you later Cassie,” I say hurriedly as I guide my best friend away.
When we’re out of earshot I start laughing uncontrollably, “Okay, first of all, that was brilliant. Second of all, reel it in mama bear I can handle this.”
CeCe eyes me suspiciously, “You can’t stand that girl and you know it. Plus, she’s trying to steal your man.”
“He’s not my—“
“Listen up, I’m gonna give you a dose of reality that’s way overdue. You are head over heels in love with that man. You may not want to admit it, but it is what it is. That bitch is trying to dig her claws into the man my best friend loves. I’m not interested in sparing that bitch’s feelings.”
I don’t know what to say to her. I’m in love with him? That can’t be right. Really? Well, let’s think about this; I can’t stop thinking of him, it’s been a few months and I’m still not over him, I make up excuses to talk to him. My eyes grow wide and CeCe laughs.
“Welcome aboard. I swear you’re the only person who would have to be told when they’re in love with someone.”
“It’s not like it matters anyway. He hasn’t spoken to me in a month, not even in class.”
“Maybe you should tell him. You’ve been so busy putting up this front to avoid your feelings that he probably thinks you hate his guts.”
CeCe’s right. I need to take a chance and at least tell him how I feel. I have to turn in my final paper at the end of the week. I’ll talk to him then.
Chapter 10
The day finally arrives and I head to turn in my final paper for class and find Cassie is accepting them in Isaac’s place. She looks like she’s been crying. I’m confused but I don’t want to talk to her. I drop my paper off and turn to leave.
Quite frankly, I’ve seen Cassie Peters more times than I care to. She is far too chipper and I want to punch her to shut her up. She talks incessantly about how she loves being Dr. Miller’s assistant. I hate myself for being jealous.
“Did you hear?” She asks.
Okay, I’ll bite, “Hear what?”
“Isaac put in his notice.”
My heart drops to the floor, “What? Why?”
“No one really knows.”
“Wow, that’s crazy,” I want to end this conversation so I can text him.
“I know,” she sniffles.
“Why are you crying? You and Dr. Miller weren’t an item were you?”
Cassie leans forward, “Just between us girls, we made out in his office last week.”
I try to keep my expression blank but I’m certain I fail miserably.
“We were working late one night and he seemed distraught so I hugged him, and. . .one thing led to another. I guess I misread the signs between us, he pushed me away and left the office pretty quickly.”
“So I guess the rumors about him are true then.”
“I guess. But, he stopped me from going any further. I’d have done him on his desk, but he didn’t let it go any farther than a two-minute make-out session,” she perks up a little, “Do you think he quit for me?”
I desperately struggle to contain the snort that threatens to escape me, “I doubt it. I’m pretty sure if that were the case you’d have been the first to know.”
I leave the office with my head spinning. Maybe he got an offer from another university. It’s probably too much to stay here and live right next door to the first person he’d wanted to be with since his wife.
I send him a text and simply ask if he’s alright. I’m not surprised when I don’t get anything back. What the hell is wrong with me? I can’t just insert myself
back into his life. I wonder for a moment if he really did leave because of me. Does he still want to be with me? When I get home, my stomach churns at the sight of a moving van in front of his house.
I avoid going up to the door because I know that if he wants to talk to me, he will. When I get inside, CeCe is waiting for me. The look on her face tells me she’s already heard.
“So, have you talked to him?”
“No. I don’t think he wants to talk to me.”
“Stop being stupid, Liv, go over there and talk to him. What are you going to do if he leaves and you never tell him how you feel?”
Ugh. I roll my eyes at her but I know she’s right. I grudgingly stand up and trudge out the front door. I pull my sweater tighter around my body as I make my way down our steps and up his. I don’t bother knocking because the door is open. When I step inside it hits me like a ton of bricks. He’s leaving. The books are gone. The couch is sitting alone in the living room.
“Olivia,” he breathes when he sees me from the kitchen.
“Isaac.”
“What are you doing here?”
“I was worried about you. Cassie told me you’d quit.”
He registers that I’ve spoken with Cassie. Good, sweat that out a little buddy.
“I’ve accepted a positon at Loyola.”
“Oh, good for you.”
“I’m moving to a house in the suburbs.”
“I see. Why didn’t you tell Cassie? She’s heartbroken.”
Isaac narrows his eyes at me, “Olivia, please don’t go there.”
“I mean, it’s none of my business, but I hope you guys will be happy.”
He runs his hand through his hair, I’ve clearly pissed him off. I don’t know why I thought there was even the slightest possibility that he was still interested in me.
“Do you really have to be this difficult?” He sounds exasperated.
“Do you really have to be so stupid?” I pause and reign in my temper, “Look, I just came over here to see if you were alright. Now that I know you are, I’ll go.”
I turn to leave and he doesn’t stop me. When I get back to my house I start packing my bags for Christmas break. We have one night to do whatever we want before we head to my parents’ house for a week.
I’m perfectly happy watching Christmas movies on Netflix while we pack but CeCe has other plans.
“You know what we need? A night out. Let’s go to Beer Goggles for a few drinks. It’s karaoke night!”
I chuckle, CeCe knows how to cheer me up. Karaoke is one of the few events I’ll drag my butt to the bar for. We decide to forego the tedious process of getting all dolled up and just head across the street as we are. I’m wearing a sweatshirt and jeans with my hair hanging loosely around me. We generally avoid Beer Goggles because they almost always try to get CeCe to help if they’re short-staffed.
When we walk in the door the place is packed. I hear the discordant sound of tone-deaf singers destroying a Savage Garden song. We make our way to the bar and start with a few shots. By the time my name is called to sing, I’ve got a good buzz going. I love to sing, and I don’t have to be drunk to get up on stage, but it makes it a lot more fun.
I jump up on stage and launch into The Real Slim Shady. CeCe is cheering at the top of her lungs and the whole bar is getting into it. Every time I rap this song the crowd goes wild and some drunk white guy starts acting like a gangster. It’s a crowd pleaser and a great warm up. I’m breathless and laughing when I get back to my stool at the table I share with CeCe.
“I ordered us another shot.”
“Whatya got for me?”
“Miami Bitchslap!”
I cringe because I remember the last time we took this shot. When the bartender hands them over, we shoot them down and make disgusted faces. I grab CeCe a beer and get myself a Colorado Bulldog. When I finish that drink the DJ calls my name again. I make my way to the stage, I stumble a little but someone steadies me. I get up on the stage to sing.
“This song says everything I can’t.”
The opening chords of Arms by Christina Perri hum through my body. I close my eyes and give into the song. All I can think about as I sing is how much I want to be with Isaac. I pretend I’m singing to him as I croon. The tears stream down my cheeks as I sing the final notes. The truth finally hits me but I don’t want to admit it to myself just yet. I know now that no one will ever make me feel the way I felt when I was with Isaac. I hand the microphone off to the next person and sit back down with CeCe.
“You alright, chica?”
“I’ll be fine. We should get outta here soon or I’ll be useless tomorrow.”
A song starts to play that I immediately recognize. I excitedly slap CeCe’s leg.
“I frickin’ love this song! Can you see who’s singing it?”
“Thought it wouldn’t matter if we didn’t stay together and if it was over, maybe it was for the better…”
“I don’t think you should look,” CeCe cautiously tells me.
“I was thinkin’ I’d be alright, ‘til I thought it all through…”
“Why? Who is it?” I strain to see; the voice is familiar but I don’t recognize it through my fuzzy drunkenness.
The people in front of me step aside at the right moment. And there he is.
“I don’t wanna live without your love, I don’t wanna face the night alone, I could never make it through my life if I had to make it on my own…”
Isaac is channeling Bill Champlin on the stage. My heart swells at the words he sings. Our eyes lock across the room and I feel more lightheaded than I did from alcohol alone.
“I don’t wanna live without your love, I just wanna live my life with you. With you…”
I’m arguing with myself. Is this just a coincidence or did he choose this song for me? Does it matter? He sings the second verse and I start to tear up. I don’t know what to think as the lyrics ask if we can try again. I take a step forward, eyes locked on the man I can’t have.
“I don’t wanna love nobody else, I don’t wanna find somebody new…”
He breaks the song down expertly and I smile through the tears that threaten to fall. I’m not sure what to think after the conversation we had earlier. He didn’t deny that he was with Cassie, but he didn’t confirm it either. I don’t have long to contemplate because I hear someone cheer for him. I look over to find Miss Peters herself at the edge of the stage. He smiles and winks at her.
He finishes his song while maintaining eye contact with Cassie who jumps up and flings her arms around him. She kisses him firmly on the mouth. I feel like the air has been knocked out of me. He looks around, he seems embarrassed and holds her at arms-length. I shove past people as quickly as I can. When I’m outside I feel like I can breathe. I look both ways and start to cross the road. When I make it to my stairs, I take a deep breath and try not to let myself feel heartbroken. My head is spinning and the sudden silence of the outdoors makes me feel temporarily deaf. I bury my face in my hands, I can’t believe I got up there and sang my song thinking about him the whole time just to find out he was there with someone else. I can’t believe I let myself think he was doing some grand gesture to convince me that he can’t be without me. He had called me a habit, well, I guess he figured out how to break it.
I hear a familiar giggle nearby so I look up. Isaac is walking across the street with Cassie. Had he played me? Was this all just a way to get in my pants? I stand shakily and trip on my way up the stairs when strong arms grab me around the middle.
“Easy there,” Isaac’s voice sends shivers down my spine.
I whirl around, “I’m not a fucking horse.”
Isaac looks wounded, “Liv, are you alright?”
“I saw your performance,” I shoot at him with venom in my voice.
Isaac glances behind him at the drunk woman he was bringing home.
“I saw yours too. Both of them. You really can rap, but you have a beautiful voice.”
“Ple
ase don’t try to flatter me. Why don’t you go spend the night with your latest one-night-stand? I suppose you told her your sob-story too.”
Isaac’s eyebrows knit together as he tries to decipher what I slurred together. I can see the hurt in his eyes when he realizes what I mean. I can’t bring myself to care.
“You comin’, baby?” She murmurs behind him.
