The Monster Hunters

by Larry Correia

  “Ghosts?”

  “We have a strict policy: we only hunt things that have physical bodies. No physical body, no contract, and no way to collect a bounty either. We stick with things that are flesh and blood, or at least bone, exoskeleton, or slime.”

  We continued on like that for a few minutes, with me thinking of every creature from every horror movie I had ever seen, and Harbinger letting me know if it was real or not. Every answer he gave was in total seriousness. If he was making any of this crazy monster stuff up, I sure would hate to play a game of poker against him.

  Finally, after asking about the creature from the black lagoon and finding out that that was actually based on a true story, Julie had had enough and jumped in. She elbowed Harbinger in the ribs. “Sorry guys, back to business. Owen, we’re looking for new Hunters. Because of the nature of what we do, we can’t exactly advertise. Usually we meet people through our business who have monster experience, and who have handled themselves well.”

  “I did okay, I guess.”

  Julie laughed again. Harbinger smirked. She pulled a DVD case out of her purse. “Do you mind?” I shook my head and she stood up and put the disk in the player and turned on my TV. “I don’t think you’ve seen this. As far as your former company is concerned, and as far as the Dallas PD knows, this doesn’t exist.”

  “Put it on channel three. There you go.”

  It was a black-and-white security video of the fourteenth floor of my former office building. The screen was split into four squares, each with a different view. It was surprising where some of the cameras were pointing, as I had never been aware of any cameras in those locations. There was even one that had a good view of Huffman’s office.

  “They have hidden cameras all over the place. I guess you folks have a big problem with employee theft,” Harbinger stated. I knew I should never have taken those Post-It notes home.

  The video started. The digital readout showed the time as 8:05. I thought that I looked silly, as most people do when they watch video of themselves. There was no sound, but it unfolded pretty much exactly as I remembered it. Only this time I was surprised by how fast everything happened. The transformation that had seemed to take forever actually happened rather quickly when seen from a strange angle in clinical detachment. The entire battle had been over in a matter of minutes, yet for me time had dilated down so that each fraction of a second had been an eternity. The creature was not nearly as intimidating on the screen as he had been when his hot breath was straining at my face. The third camera winked into static as my body was put through the ceiling tiles. We combatants would disappear from the cameras for a moment, only to reappear jerkily in another frame a few seconds later. In black and white, I was surprised how plain all of our blood appeared on the walls. Finally I watched as I snapped the werewolf’s neck and pushed the desk out the window.

  I realized I was breathing hard.

  Julie quietly shut the TV off and carefully placed the DVD back in its case.

  “You just did okay, huh? Looks to me like you put up an amazing fight. You could have given up a bunch of times. You would be surprised. Most people faced with something out of their nightmares will just freeze up. Their brains can’t begin to process what they’re seeing, and by then it’s too late, and next thing you know something from the great beyond is flossing with their spine. Hunters don’t freeze. Hunters fight.”

  “Listen, I’m just a normal guy. I’m an accountant even. It doesn’t get any more normal than that!” I exclaimed in defense of my average life.

  Julie pulled a manila file folder out of her purse.

  “What’s that?” I asked.

  “Your secret file from the Department of Homeland Security.”

  “If the government didn’t want it stolen, they shouldn’t just leave it out where any master hacker can break in and get it,” Harbinger explained patiently.

  “Owen Zastava Pitt, age 24. Born in Merced, California . . . Zastava?” Julie asked.

  “My mom’s family is mostly mixed Czech and Serb. It’s an old family name. Like the place that made those little cars,” I answered.

  “Little cars?” she asked.

  “You know, the Yugo.”

  “Oh.” She continued, “Black belt in two martial arts. You wrestled in high school and took the state championship heavyweight division two years in a row. Homeland Security has you flagged because you’re considered a militant right-wing gun nut. You became involved in competitive shooting at eight years old, and have a master rating in International Practical Shooting. You’ve placed in the top five in several different national-level three-gun tactical competitions. You were ranked as one of the top young shooters in the country, though you’ve slipped over the last few years.”

  “Working too many hours, hard to keep up the practice routine.” My father had been more drill instructor than dad, trying to prepare us for some kind of future apocalypse that existed in his paranoid imagination. I could hit targets at a quarter mile with a rifle before I could ride a bike. When normal kids went to summer camp and made crafts out of beads and twigs, my brother and I had gone on miniature death marches with giant rucksacks. Other children got sports, I got hand-to-hand combat training. I suppose showing up in a government database shouldn’t have been too shocking.

  “You tried to join the Army but were turned down due to some minor health problems. DHS also notes that you’ve participated in illegal pit fighting and in illegal sports gambling organizations.”

  I cringed, it not being something I was real proud of now.

  “It says here that you earned a bachelor’s and a master’s degree in six years total, top of your class, passed the CPA exam the first time. National Honor Society,” Julie continued.

  After coming within a couple heartbeats of ending another fighter’s life, I had devoted myself to being as boring as possible, no more pushing the limits, nothing but normal. And what was more normal than an accountant?

  “You speak five languages fluently, mostly because of your extremely varied family background, and know enough to get by in several others. Your psychological profile says that you’re a pathological overachiever with severe overcompensating tendencies as a result of your relationship with your father, and the fact that you were always the picked-on fat kid while growing up.”

  “Does it actually say ‘fat kid’?” I asked in total bewilderment.

  “Actually it says it in some sort of psychological mumbo-jumbo about body image and self-esteem, but I’m just paraphrasing.”

  “I wasn’t fat. I was big-boned.” I leaned back in my chair and rubbed my temples. I was amazed that all of this was from some government database. Chalk up a few more points for my antiauthoritarian side.

  “Look, Owen, you’re not a normal person; none of us are normal, either. MHI is a family business, my family. My great-great-granddad founded the company, five generations of Hunters. You haven’t seen weird until you’ve met my family, so don’t feel bad.” Julie patted my knee. She touched me! I perked right up.

  “We’re not looking for normal people. Normal people scream and run and get eaten. You have to be a little different to do the kind of stuff that we do. I mean, heck, looking at your shooting scores, I’ve been shooting pistols since I was a little kid, and your classifications blow mine away. Your National Match rifle scores are equal to mine, and I’m the team sharpshooter.”

  As Julie said this I realized that I had in fact met the woman of my dreams. Attractive, smart, and a shooter? Wow.

  “I don’t know. I don’t have any experience with this kind of thing. Aren’t you better off with soldiers or Marines or Navy SEALs and stuff like that? My gosh, I’m an office dweeb.”

  Harbinger answered this time. “We have all of those, and we also have former truck drivers, school teachers, farmers, doctors, a priest and a stripper, and pretty much anything else you can think of. It comes down to finding people who don’t have a problem coping with weirdness. The best
Hunters are people whose minds are . . . flexible.”

  “Well . . . the pay seems good,” I said as I held up the check.

  “Keep in mind that was for you on a solo bounty. When you work with a team you share bounties with the team, and the company. However, people who try monster hunting as individuals usually get real dead, real quick. Working with backup is the only way to stay alive. But with the amount of business that we do, the pay’s good,” Harbinger said.

  “How good?”

  Harbinger shrugged. “We have a real problem with our experienced people retiring and buying small countries.”

  “I’m guessing it’s dangerous?”

  Julie shrugged. “I won’t lie to you. It’s super dangerous. Our job is to go head to head with the forces of evil. We lose a lot of people, but with well trained groups that work together as a team, we do better than any other group of Hunters, and that includes the Feds.”

  I sat silently in thought. My visitors didn’t say anything for a moment. Finally Julie tried one last thing.

  “Look, I’m going to tell you the truth. We have the most insane job in the world, many of us die young, and sometimes in really horrible ways. But this is the best job there is. It’s never boring, and you get to do something really worthwhile. We’re the pros, the go-to people when all hell’s broken loose. When the situation is totally hosed, we’re the ones they call. We do the job that nobody else can do, and we do it good.” She said this with deep and sincere emotion. Julie obviously had a passion for her work.

  I absently rubbed my facial scar. A random thought popped into my mind and I instantly muttered it under my breath.

  “What was that?” asked Julie.

  “A calling. Is hard, but is good.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “I don’t know, just something an old man said to me once. Short straw.” I thought about the strange dream that I had had in the hospital. Had it happened while I was technically dead?

  “Huh?”

  “Never mind.” I had to admit, I was interested in what they had been telling me, and I was a real chump when it came to a pretty girl, especially one who was smart, and into guns, to boot.

  This was crazy. I had spent the last few years trying to be average just for once, until my boss had tried to have me for dinner and life had pulled the rug out from under me. The smart thing to do would be to push this whole incident to the back of my mind, and forget it ever happened.

  But I did need a job, and Owen Z. Pitt, Monster Hunter, had a certain ring to it.

  Ah, what the hell.

  “Tell you what, Mr. Harbinger, Ms. Shackleford. I’m going to go down to the bank and try to deposit this check. If it’s real, and I don’t get arrested for trying to pass a make-believe check, I’m going to believe everything that you said. I’m in, on two conditions.”

  They waited for my terms. I paused as I screwed up my courage.

  “If at any time I think this job is totally insane, I’m out of there. No questions, no ifs, ands, or buts. Don’t think I’m kidding either. I’ve been shafted already, and I’m not going to do that again. You screw with me in any way, shape, or form and you can color me gone.”

  “We wouldn’t have it any other way,” Julie said. “And what else?”

  “You, uh . . . need to have dinner with me tonight,” I stammered, surprising myself with my own courage. There you go, Casanova. I had no idea why I had said that, it had just kind of popped out.

  Julie looked momentarily taken aback. I could not tell from her reaction if she was flattered or insulted by my lame attempt to ask her out. Earl rolled his eyes.

  “I guess you ain’t talking about me,” he said.

  “No, I . . . uh . . . well, I just thought, you know . . .” It wasn’t exactly poetry.

  She did not respond immediately. I think I took her by surprise. I knew that surprise was good in war, but it wasn’t necessarily what I was going for here. I have never been very good with women. Actually, that’s an understatement. I turn into a bumbling incompetent oaf around them.

  “Was that a lame attempt to ask me out?” she queried. “It’s usually considered bad form to do that in what is basically a job interview.”

  “Well, I just wanted to . . . maybe ask some questions. About, you know—”

  Earl cut me off. “There’s some more business that I need to conduct anyway. I’ve got to go. Julie can fill you in on the rest of the details.” He stood up. “You kids have fun.”

  “Earl, wait a second, what about . . .” Julie started to stand. My heart lurched. Had I offended her?

  “Julie, you know what I’m talking about. You know what tonight is. Stick around. Fill Owen in on the details of our operation.” He adjusted his bomber jacket.

  She slowly slid back down the couch. Way to go, Earl! I thought happily. Harbinger made as if to leave. I tried to grab my crutch so I could stand to see him out.

  “Not necessary,” he said as he shook my hand. “I look forward to working with you.”

  “Me too,” I responded before wincing at the amazing strength in the man’s fingers as he easily crushed my much larger hand. He was far stronger than he appeared. I tried not to visibly show how much pain he was inflicting. He bent down and spoke low enough in my ear that Julie couldn’t hear.

  “That took guts, but be a gentleman with her, or I’ll be displeased,” he whispered. I had no doubt that his displeasure would somehow involve me becoming seriously injured.

  I nodded. He let go, grinned evilly and patted me on the back, before swiftly leaving.

  Julie Shackleford sat on my bargain basement furniture in my rundown apartment in a bad part of town and examined me quizzically. I had no idea what she was thinking. It was an awkward moment.

  Finally she broke the silence.

  “Want to order pizza?”

  “So you know all about me because of that file,” I said after swallowing a blob of cheese and pineapple. Delivery had been relatively swift, the pizza was good, and surprisingly enough Julie seemed to be enjoying our conversation. After the first few awkward minutes she had warmed up to my attempt at flirting, and was at least tolerating me. Her smile was contagious, and I felt better than I had in weeks. The sun was starting to set, and long orange shadows were cast through my barred apartment windows.

  “Scary, isn’t it? How much they keep track of people,” she said, trying to be polite and not talk with her mouth full, and failing miserably. “You should see what mine says. If you read it you would probably be scared to be around me. They think I’m totally nuts.”

  “Oh, I don’t know about that,” I replied, going for another slice, trying not to lean forward on my bad leg too much. “You don’t seem nuts to me, except for the whole good versus evil zombie werewolf thing at least.”

  She noticed my predicament and helpfully shoved the box closer on my little coffee table. My furniture was sparse and mostly cheap junk, but at least the place was clean, even if it was only because my mom had visited recently.

  “They think everybody in this line of work is certifiable. They even think that about their own guys that Hunt.”

  “Like the two that visited me in the hospital?” I asked.

  “Myers and Franks? Myers isn’t so bad. Believe it or not, he worked for us before the government recruited him, but that was a long time ago. He had a bit of a falling out. Franks on the other hand is a jerk. I’m surprised he didn’t kill you just to be on the safe side. We have to deal with the Feds once in a while. They watch us like hawks. They’re actually in a special unit in the Justice Department, the Monster Control Bureau, that deals with problems like you.”

  “Problems like me, gee, thanks. Anyway, I don’t want to talk about those guys.” I really did not. I wanted to talk about her. “Like I was saying, you’ve seen my file, so you have the advantage. Tell me about you.”

  “Well, first off, I’m in a relationship if that’s what you want to know,” she replied mischievous
ly. “I’m just here as a professional courtesy.”

  Ouch.

  “Really, I wasn’t trying to say anything like that,” I responded quickly.

  “Owen, you may be a great accountant, and one heck of a shooter, but you’re a horrible liar.”

  She leaned back on the couch and put her feet up on the coffee table next to the pizza box. I noticed that she was wearing heavy-duty boots that did not really match her conservative suit. As she made herself comfortable and her jacket fell open revealing her fitted shirt, I realized two things: a) She had a great body, and b) she was carrying a gun in a leather pancake holster on her right hip.

  Not able to comment on a) in a polite manner, I instead remarked on b).

  “What are you carrying?”

  “This?” She reached around, drew the gun, dropped the magazine, racked the slide and expertly caught the ejected round in her off hand. She then passed it over to me with the action open while she rattled off the stats only another gun nut would appreciate. “Commander-sized 1911, Baer slide and frame, match barrel. Heinie night sights. Thin Alumagrips. Bobtail conversion to the frame. All Greider tool steel parts. Trigger and action job. It’s a good shooter. I’ve carried this one for a year now.”

  I examined her gun. It was a gorgeous piece of work. The slide was so smooth it felt like it was on rollers. It was obviously used hard, but well cared for.

  “Mind if I try the trigger? I’m a 1911 guy myself.”

  “Go for it,” she said with a grin. She was proud of her gun.

  The break was clean and light with no detectable creep. It was a very good trigger job.

  “Who did the work?” I asked. It was obviously a high-quality custom build. Being a serious competitor on a limited budget I did my own gunsmithing. My stuff tended to be ugly but functional. This specimen was obviously functional but it was so well fitted that it was almost a work of art.

  “I did most of it myself,” Julie said with obvious pride.

  “Will you marry me?” I blurted.