The Monster Hunters

by Larry Correia

  “What do you think, Esteban?” asked Spiderweb Face.

  The last man looked up from his bunk. He was older, and had obviously been through some rough times. He had scars all along his face and arms, his hair was gray and long, and his skin had the texture of leather. I knew that he had to be somebody special, since he got his own bunk, and none of this band of thugs messed with him. He studied me silently, and the others waited for him to pass judgment.

  Finally he spoke, not to them, but rather to me, loud enough that everyone could hear. “I heard from one of the guards, you hacked up like a hundred people with a machete, arms and legs and heads everywhere, even ate some of them. Killed some cops too. Burned a hotel down. Took twenty Federales to take you out . . . You speak Spanish?”

  “Un poco.”

  “I figured you did.” He put his head back down.

  “Oh shit, man,” said Jorge. “I was just kidding about the shiv thing. You know, mess with the new guy and all that.”

  I gave Jorge my most menacing look. He cowered back into the corner. Now, most people would not react well to being put into the ultraviolent, dog-eat-dog world that was a prison full of murderers and psychopaths, but hey, I’d killed a werewolf with my bare hands. I figured that I would fit in just fine here.

  “Say, Esteban,” I asked over the shouting from the next cell. “Where are we?”

  “You don’t know?” His eyes peeked out from under his mane of hair. I could tell he was a sharp one.

  “Nah . . . I was pretty worn out from chopping up all those people. You know how it is.” If you have a rep, you might as well run with it.

  “You’re in Tijira Prison. This, my friend, is a very bad place.”

  “I’ve seen worse,” I lied.

  “I’m sure you have. Me personally, I’m here because I avenged my wife’s honor against the filthy tyrants, but alas, I failed. May God rest her soul,” he said solemnly. Some of the thugs crossed themselves.

  “Sorry to hear that.”

  Without skipping a beat he switched to English. “Naw, just pulling your leg. I’m from San Diego. I was flying coke across the border, got back to TJ, didn’t have enough to pay the right people, and they stuck me in here rather than just shooting me. Some days I wish they would have just killed me and got it over with. These morons here think I’m Zorro or something so they leave me alone. If a Yankee wants to survive in here, you need a reputation, so I’ll back you up, you back me up.”

  “Good deal.” I held out my hand. He reached over and shook it with a firm grip. “Owen Zastava Pitt.”

  “Zapato? Like a shoe?”

  “No, Zastava. It’s Serbian.”

  “You don’t look Serbian.”

  In other words, I was way too brown. “I’m a little bit of everything.” That much was true. I always checked the Other box on any official type forms. “Look, Esteban . . .”

  “You can call me Steve, the Esteban thing is for these guys.” He nodded his head at the other criminals. “The story is that I shot it out with the cops and the army to avenge them burning my village or something. If you don’t get respect in here, you don’t last long.”

  “Okay, Steve, my company will get me out of here. We’re worth a lot of money, and can get the best lawyers. I just need to survive long enough for that to happen, so I appreciate the help. You scratch my back, I scratch yours, know what I mean?”

  “That’s cool. I’m still waiting for trial myself. I haven’t even been arraigned yet. I’m hoping I get my turn in front of the judge before too long.”

  “How long have you been here?”

  He looked up at the ceiling as he gave it some thought.

  “Three years come June.”

  A cold weight settled into the bottom of my stomach. “No kidding?”

  “No kidding. Welcome to Tijira.”

  They had taken my watch, but I guessed that it was about 9 p.m. when the guards killed most of the lights in Section Six. Steve, or Esteban, as the local fauna knew him, and I were still talking quietly, me to pass the nervous time, and him because I was the first other American he had seen in a year. The previous guy had lasted all of thirty minutes before somebody had decided they didn’t particularly like gringos in their jail. Steve said that it had taken weeks for the bloodstains to fade. He was a nice enough guy for a prison-hardened drug smuggler, and talking to him sure beat talking to One Ear, Jorge, or Spiderweb.

  “So, Owen, you got a wife?”

  “Nope, but I’m engaged.”

  “That’s great. What’s she like?”

  I tried to make myself more comfortable on the bug-ridden cot. Since I was now the new boss of this cell, I got the luxury accommodations. Sometimes being a muscle-bound behemoth paid dividends. Poor One Ear had to sleep on the floor now. “She’s awesome. Smart, funny, tough, brave. Her name’s Julie. Julie Shackleford.”

  “Is she hot?”

  “Dude . . . please.”

  “Sorry, but I’ve kind of been in jail for a while,” he explained. “It’s been so damn long since I’ve seen a woman . . .” He trailed off. I just hoped that MHI hurried up and found me soon. I did not sign on to this gig to end up spending my golden years in a place like this. “So what’s she look like?” he asked as he lay back on his bunk and closed his eyes. I admit, I could have been offended, but more than anything, I just felt pity.

  “Well, she’s pretty,” I answered. That was an understatement. I had been infatuated with her since the day that we had met. Julie was the best thing that had ever happened to me, and almost losing her had been the worst. “Real tall for a girl, actually. Kind of buff; she works out a lot. Long brown hair, has the prettiest brown eyes I’ve ever seen, wears glasses . . .”

  “Chicks with glasses are hot.”

  “I’m with you there, bro, I’m with you there. In fact, she’s probably out there looking for me right now.”

  “Here? In Mexico?”

  “Of course. She’s a Monster Hunter too.”

  “Look, I already said that I would back you on the whole crazy-machete-killer thing. You don’t need to keep up the monster movie shtick.”

  I laughed out loud. Tubercular Jorge grumbled at me from his corner. “I wasn’t joking. She’s a Hunter, and she’s good, real good. On the business end, she does most of our contract negations, and she’s a real expert when it comes to monster lore. On the operational side she’s our team sharpshooter. I’ve seen her plug a lindwyrm through the eyestalk from a moving helicopter. And tell you what, she can run a pistol like you wouldn’t believe. Anyways, I’m a lucky guy. Somehow I’ve got a Southern belle, sniper, art babe to fall in love with me. I don’t know how I pulled that off.” That much was true. I still couldn’t figure out exactly how a blundering schlub like me had managed to impress somebody like her.

  Julie had been one of the first Hunters that I had met. She had come to my home to recruit me while I was still recovering from my initial monster encounter. It had been love at first sight. For me at least. Thankfully, she had come around eventually. All I had had to do was take on all the armies of evil and save the world to impress her.

  “Sounds like you guys make a . . . interesting couple.” Steve sounded slightly nervous.

  “In fact she’s been doing this way longer than I have. The company is a family business, her grandpa is the CEO. They’ve been into this for over a hundred years now. She was born for it. Killing monsters is what the Shacklefords eat, sleep, live and breathe.”

  “Sounds like you have some psycho in-laws.”

  There was a long uncomfortable pause as I thought about what to say. I rubbed the huge welt on my forehead from the shotgun butt. How would I describe my soon-to-be relatives?

  “Oh, touched a nerve, I see.”

  “You have no idea,” I muttered. If there was an international award for who had the worst mother-in-law, I would be a sure winner. “Her parents used to be Hunters too, really good people from what I understand, but . . . ah hell,
you wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

  “Oh come on, like I believe any of your crap anyway.”

  “Never mind them. Let’s just say that they’re pure evil now.”

  “They can’t be that bad. I’m sure over time you guys will be able to work out your differences.”

  “I wouldn’t bet on it,” I responded. I rolled over on my side as something that felt suspiciously like a centipede crawled between my shoulder blades.

  The few remaining light bulbs flickered a few times then died. A murmur rose from the prisoners. “Power’s out again,” Steve stated the obvious. There was an electric wailing sound in the distance, high-pitched and whiny. It sounded three times and then died abruptly. “Guess not. That’s the alarm.” Steve rose from his cot and went to the bars. All the other men were moving as well. Anything that broke the monotony of Section Six was a major deal for them. “Something’s up.”

  I sat up. “What’s going on?”

  “I don’t know, man.” He turned to rapid-fire Spanish and ordered the thugs to quiet down. They sullenly obeyed.

  The room was very dark. I felt a tinge of fear. Maybe the shadow man had come back for me. There were only a few small windows set high in the walls of the large space, but the moon was fat and bright tonight, so some pale light was spilling down in beams. I scanned the bars. I could see the movement of men in the other cages, stalking, curious, nervous.

  Gunfire.

  I stood. If I knew anything in this world, I knew guns, and that was the sharp crack of a high-powered rifle. Then another, and another, then the gun was silent.

  “Somebody trying to break out?” Jorge asked as he absently scratched himself. “Don’t sound like he made it too far.”

  It was quiet. Even the crazies who had been blubbering constantly had shut up.

  “Man, nobody makes it over the wall here. Poor fool,” One Ear said.

  More gunfire. Now there were other rifles, some of them crackling through long bursts of full-auto, and the thumping of shotguns. A flashlight briefly illuminated the cell and then swung wildly away as a guard sprinted past us. The prisoners began to yell at him, but he just kept running until the flashlight disappeared as he left the room.

  Could it be Julie and my team, come to rescue me? No way. Not like this. We killed monsters. We tried real hard not to hurt people. If they knew I was here, the rescue would involve lawyers and bribery, not guns. Something else was going on. It had to be the guy from the hotel.

  “Anybody got a light?” I shouted. “A lighter, a flashlight, anything.”

  “Huh?”

  “Something that can make light. Sparks, fire, I don’t care. Anything.”

  Jorge held up a lighter. “It’ll cost you.” He smiled maliciously.

  I was across the cell in an instant. He tried to move his hand back, but I locked onto his wrist. He tried to struggle so I wrapped my other hand around the precious lighter. I broke his thumb as I yanked it free. He squealed.

  “Shut it!” I shouted. I turned to Steve. His eyes were very wide in the moonlight. “Whatever happens, stay calm. If you see some freaky shit, stay calm. If a great big shadow comes to get me, use this.” I pressed the lighter into his hand. “Wait ’til he comes in our cell. His attention will be on me. Just flick it on. Then I can hit him. Understand?”

  “What are you talking about?” The gunfire was becoming more sporadic, as if there were fewer guards left able to shoot. There were several pops from a small-caliber pistol, seemingly just outside in the hallway leading into Section Six. Somebody in the hall began to scream. I snapped my head in that direction. The scream tapered off into a gurgle and then nothing.

  “Just do it.” I stepped back from Steve and oriented myself toward the entrance, preparing for battle. There was no way I was getting taken to the Old Ones. I rotated my head and cracked the vertebrae in my neck. My adrenaline was beginning to flow, my breathing unconsciously quickening, filling my blood with extra oxygen. My vision tunneled in on the gray shape of the door, and the sounds of the room seemed to become muted. Outwardly I was calm. Inside I was terrified. If the shadow man came for me here, I had nowhere to run.

  The others were worried now. They knew that something was horribly amiss. I heard prayers coming from men who looked like they had not spoken to God in a very long time. The temperature began to drop. Section Six had been warm and humid. It came so suddenly that it took precious seconds for my mind to recognize the brutal, unnatural cold. My breath hissed out as steam in the moonlight. The other men in my cell began to unconsciously crowd in the corner away from the entrance.

  The heavy iron door that secured Section Six creaked open on rusted hinges. A hush fell over the room. A lone figure stepped into the blue moonlight. High heels clicked on the concrete floor. I could make out a familiar feminine shape silhouetted in the faint light, and for a split second I thought it was Julie. Tall, perfectly proportioned, shapely, but the supernatural cold told me I was wrong. A larger figure entered the room behind the woman. A broad-shouldered man, almost as tall as me.

  “Oh no,” I said with much greater volume than I intended.

  “Owen, what the hell’s going on?” Steve was terrified, and he was hard to understand over the chattering of his teeth. The temperature had dropped to near freezing.

  Approaching, they passed directly under one of the windows. I was right. It was them. The woman started toward my cell, walking delicately down the path between the cages. She was achingly beautiful, perfect. But sex appeal to a vampire was like one of those deep-ocean fish with the bioluminescent light bulbs dangling over their jaws, just an efficient way to catch their prey. The heels continued to click. The brute glided silently behind her. I didn’t take my eyes off of the approaching pair. “Remember when I told you about my in-laws?”

  Steve nodded quickly in the dark.

  “They’re here.”

  Some poor idiot who hadn’t seen a woman in decades made a horrible mistake. Unable to control himself with the ethereal beauty passing before him, he opened his big, stupid mouth. The language was such profane slang that I couldn’t have translated it even if I had been able to understand the lowest level of gutter Spanish.

  Susan Shackleford paused before answering the man. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” Her Southern accent was obvious, her voice perfect. When she smiled I could see the white of her teeth. Chills ran down my spine.

  “Yeah, puta, I show you good time!” Some of his buddies whooped for him. These guys must have already forgotten the hundreds of rounds of gunfire that had just been expended. Well, it wasn’t the cream of the intellectual crop that ended up in places like this.

  The big figure stopped. “That’s my wife you’re talkin’ about, asshole.” In the poor light, it was hard to tell what happened next. The prisoner was standing in the center of his cell, well out of reach from the bars. Yet somehow Ray Shackleford reached through the tight barrier, grabbed him by the neck, and pulled the prisoner through the bars. Iron bent and bones shattered. The man screamed in agony before his heart exploded as it was jerked through the two-inch gap. He ended up dangling a few feet above the ground, mangled top half in the alleyway, pelvis and kicking legs still inside the cell. A puddle began to widen under the twitching corpse.

  “Thank you, honey. That was downright chivalrous.”

  “You’re welcome, dear.”

  The population of Section Six exploded. Everyone surged against the far corners of their cells, pushing against bars or chain link. Dozens of voices rose into the night air, panic, confusion, terror.

  “Y’all be QUIET!” Ray bellowed. I involuntarily covered my ears as the shockwave hit. His voice shook the building. Dust fell from the ceiling.

  Now there was only whimpering and crying. The prisoners knew that something terribly inhuman was in their presence. The vampires approached slowly. “Owen. Good to see you again.” Susan smiled at me. Her eyes seemed to glow pale in the dark.

  “Heya,
kid. How’s it hanging?” Ray waved.

  “Susan . . . Ray . . .” I nodded at them. Every joint in my body ached with fear. I was a dead man, or worse. Much worse.

  I had fought Susan twice before. Both times I had been lucky to escape with my life. She was a Master vampire, strongest of all the undead. The first time we had squared off she had taken a twenty-second burst from a flamethrower and a direct hit with a grenade, and had walked away. The second time she had only been turned aside by the faith of Milo Anderson. Compared to Milo, my faith sucked. She could move faster than the human eye could track, tear a man’s head off with her pinky finger, and I had personally put half a dozen silver shotgun slugs through her skull with no effect. If Susan wanted to kill me, there wasn’t a damn thing that I could do about it.

  Steve began to flick the lighter.

  “What, you want an encore or something?” Ray laughed. “‘Freebird’! Whoo!”

  “If you’ve come for me, I’m not going down without a fight,” I snarled.

  “You’ve got cojones, kid,” Ray said. “I’ll give you that. See, dear, I told you he was a good match for Julie. She always had the best killer instinct of our kids.” He gestured at me. I had only known Ray for a brief time, and that had been after I had sprung him from an insane asylum. The last time that I had seen Ray he had still been human, barely alive, and rapidly bleeding to death from the savage wound Susan had inflicted on him, so I had to admit that he looked a lot better now. “If we wanted to off you, we would’ve done it already.”

  “Wrong. You can’t come into a home if you aren’t invited. And this is currently my home,” I said as I gestured around my cell. Though many of their limitations were a mystery, I knew that at least some of the vampire legends were true. “So back off!” I ordered with a lot more confidence than I felt.

  Susan sighed. She approached the bars and leaned against them. It was shocking how much she looked like her daughter, only Susan was inhumanly perfect. Her fingernails were painted bright red and showed up like beacons in the dark. I took an involuntary step back. “Owen, honey, don’t lawyer up on me now.” She absently flicked one finger towards Jorge. Her piercing eyes didn’t waver from mine. “Can I come in?”