by Nora Ephron
SALLY Thank God he couldn’t place me. I drove from college to New York with him five years ago and it was the longest night of my life.
JOE What happened?
SALLY He made a pass at me, and when I said no—he was going with a girlfriend of mine—oh God, I can’t remember her name. Don’t get involved with me, Joe, I’m twenty-six years old and I can’t even remember the name of the girl I was such good friends with that I wouldn’t get involved with her boyfriend.
JOE So what happened?
SALLY When?
JOE When he made a pass at you and you said no.
SALLY Uh … I said we could just be friends, and—this part I remember—he said men and women could never really be friends.
Joe smiles, shakes his head.
SALLY (CONT’D) Do you think that’s true?
JOE No.
SALLY Do you have any women friends? Just friends?
JOE No, but I’ll get one if it’s important to you.
Sally smiles, then she and Joe move close to kiss. Suddenly Sally pulls back.
SALLY Amanda Reese. Thank God.
JOE I’m going to miss you. (beat) I love you.
SALLY (it’s the first time he’s said it) You do?
JOE Yes.
SALLY I love you.
They kiss.
CUT TO:
INT. AIRPLANE—DAY
The plane is in flight, en route from New York to Washington.
Sally is in a middle seat in a crowded all-coach plane. She has The New York Times on her lap, but she’s staring into the middle distance, a little smile on her face.
There’s a MAN ON THE AISLE next to her.
In the row in back of her, in the aisle seat, is Harry. His head pops up.
Sally starts to read the newspaper. The Man on the Aisle looks up at Harry, who’s still looming over him, trying to place Sally. Harry pops down.
The STEWARDESS comes down the aisle with the drink cart.
STEWARDESS And what would you like to drink?
SALLY Do you have any Bloody Mary mix?
STEWARDESS Yes.
She starts to pour.
SALLY No, wait. Here’s what I want. Regular tomato juice, filled about three quarters, and add a splash of Bloody Mary mix, just a splash, and …
Harry’s head starts to rise again.
SALLY (CONT’D) … a little piece of lime, but on the side.
HARRY The University of Chicago, right?
Sally turns, sees Harry, then turns back around.
SALLY Yes.
HARRY Did you look this good at the University of Chicago?
SALLY No.
HARRY (he’s being mischievous here) Did we ever—?
SALLY (laughing; she can’t believe him) No. No! (to Man on the Aisle) We drove from Chicago to New York together after graduation.
The Man on the Aisle has been listening and watching all this.
MAN ON THE AISLE (to Harry) Would you two like to sit together?
SALLY NO.
HARRY Great! Thank you.
Harry and the Man on the Aisle change seats and Harry sits down next to Sally.
HARRY (CONT’D) You were a friend of … um …
He can’t remember her name.
SALLY Amanda’s. I can’t believe you can’t remember her name.
HARRY What do you mean? I can remember. Amanda. Right? Amanda Rice.
SALLY Reese.
HARRY Reese, right. That’s what I said. Whatever happened to her?
SALLY I have no idea.
HARRY You have no idea? You were really good friends with her. We didn’t make it because you were such good friends.
SALLY You went with her.
HARRY And was it worth it? This sacrifice for a friend you haven’t even kept in touch with?
SALLY Harry, you might not believe this, but I never considered not sleeping with you a sacrifice.
HARRY Fair enough, fair enough.
After a beat:
HARRY (CONT’D) You were going to be a gymnast.
SALLY A journalist.
HARRY Right, that’s what I said. And?
SALLY I’m a journalist. I work at the News.
HARRY Great. And you’re with Joe.
Sally nods.
HARRY (CONT’D) Well, that’s great. Great. You’re together—what—three weeks?
SALLY A month. How did you know that?
HARRY You take someone to the airport, it’s clearly the beginning of a relationship. That’s why I’ve never taken anyone to the airport at the beginning of a relationship.
SALLY Why?
HARRY Because eventually things move on and you don’t take someone to the airport, and I never wanted anyone to say to me, “How come you never take me to the airport anymore?”
SALLY It’s amazing. You look like a normal person, but actually you’re the Angel of Death.
HARRY Are you going to marry him?
SALLY We’ve only known each other a month, and besides, neither one of us is looking to get married right now.
HARRY I’m getting married.
SALLY You are?
HARRY (matter-of-factly) Um-hmm.
SALLY You are?
HARRY Yeah.
SALLY Who is she?
HARRY Helen Hillson. She’s a lawyer. She’s keeping her name.
SALLY (shakes her head) You’re getting married.
She laughs.
HARRY Yeah. What’s so funny about it?
SALLY It’s just so optimistic of you, Harry.
HARRY Well, you’d be amazed what falling madly in love can do for you.
SALLY Well, it’s wonderful. It’s nice to see you embracing life in this manner.
HARRY Yeah, plus, you know, you just get to a certain point where you get tired of the whole thing.
SALLY What whole thing?
HARRY The whole life-of-a-single-guy thing. You meet someone, you have the safe lunch, you decide you like each other enough to move on to dinner, you go dancing, you do the white man’s overbite, you go back to her place, you have sex, and the minute you’re finished, you know what goes through your mind? (Sally shakes her head no) How long do I have to lie here and hold her before I can get up and go home? Is thirty seconds enough?
SALLY That’s what you’re thinking? Is that true?
HARRY Sure. All men think that. How long do you like to be held afterwards? All night, right? See, that’s the problem. Somewhere between thirty seconds and all night is your problem.
SALLY I don’t have a problem.
HARRY Yeah you do.
CUT TO:
EXT. NATIONAL AIRPORT—DAY
As the plane lands.
INT. NATIONAL AIRPORT—DAY
Harry and Sally are on a moving sidewalk, Harry several steps behind Sally. He makes his way past the other passengers to stand by her.
HARRY Staying over?
SALLY Yes.
HARRY Would you like to have dinner?
Sally looks at him suspiciously.
HARRY (CONT’D) Just friends.
SALLY I thought you didn’t believe men and women could be friends.
HARRY When did I say that?
SALLY On the ride to New York.
HARRY No, no, no, no. I never said that. (reconsiders) Yes, that’s right. They can’t be friends … (figuring this out) … unless both of them are involved with other people. Then they can. This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted. (thinking this over) That doesn’t work either. Because what happens then, the person you’re involved with doesn’t understand why you need to be friends with the person you’re just friends with, like it means something is missing from the relationship and you have to go outside to get it. Then when you say, “No, no, no, it’s not true, nothing is missing from the relationship,” the person you’re involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you’re just friends with
, which you probably are—I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let’s face it—which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, that men and women can’t be friends. So where does that leave us?
SALLY Harry—
HARRY What?
SALLY Goodbye.
HARRY Okay.
They look at each other. Though they have said goodbye, they are now in that awkward place of still going in the same direction next to each other on the moving sidewalk. After a beat:
HARRY (CONT’D) I’ll just stop walking, I’ll let you go ahead.
FADE OUT.
FADE IN:
DOCUMENTARY FOOTAGE
Another OLDER COUPLE sitting on a love seat, looking at the CAMERA.
THIRD MAN We were married forty years ago. We were married three years. We got a divorce. Then I married Marjorie.
THIRD WOMAN But first you lived with Barbara.
THIRD MAN Right. Barbara. But I didn’t marry Barbara. I married Marjorie.
THIRD WOMAN Then you got a divorce.
THIRD MAN Right. Then I married Katie.
THIRD WOMAN Another divorce.
THIRD MAN Then, a couple of years later at Eddie Callichio’s funeral, I ran into her. I was with some girl I don’t even remember.
THIRD WOMAN Roberta.
THIRD MAN Right, Roberta. But I couldn’t take my eyes off you. (beat) I remember, I snuck over to her and I said—what did I say?
THIRD WOMAN You said, “What are you doing after?”
THIRD MAN Right. So I ditched Roberta, we go for coffee, a month later we’re married.
THIRD WOMAN Thirty-five years to the day after our first marriage.
FADE OUT.
EXT. NEW YORK RESTAURANT WITH VIEW—DAY
IT’S FIVE YEARS LATER.
Sally is sitting at a table with two other women, MARIE and ALICE. Marie is a dark-haired, dark-eyed beauty. Alice is cute and plump, a married lady.
MARIE So, I go through his pockets, okay?
ALICE Marie, why do you go through his pockets?
MARIE You know what I found?
ALICE No, what?
MARIE They just bought a dining-room table. He and his wife just went out and spent $1,600 on a dining-room table.
ALICE Where?
MARIE The point isn’t where, Alice. The point is, he’s never going to leave her.
ALICE So what else is new? You’ve known this for two years.
MARIE (glumly) You’re right, you’re right. I know you’re right.
ALICE Why can’t you find someone single? When I was single, I knew lots of nice, single men. There must be someone. Sally found someone.
MARIE Sally got the last good one.
SALLY (matter-of-factly) Joe and I broke up.
ALICE What?
MARIE When?
SALLY Monday.
ALICE You waited three days to tell us?
MARIE You mean Joe’s available?
ALICE For God’s sake, Marie—don’t you have any feelings about this? She’s obviously upset.
SALLY I’m not that upset. We’ve been growing apart for quite a while.
MARIE (horrified) But you guys were a couple. You had someone to go places with. You had a date on national holidays.
SALLY I said to myself, you deserve more than this, you’re thirty-one years old—
MARIE —and the clock is ticking.
SALLY No, the clock doesn’t really start to tick until you’re thirty-six.
ALICE God. You’re in such great shape.
SALLY Well, I’ve had a few days to get used to it, and I feel okay.
MARIE Good. Then you’re ready.
Marie takes her Rolodex out of her satchel and starts to look through it.
ALICE (aghast) Really, Marie.
MARIE Well, how else do you think you do it?
She flips through the Rolodex and pulls out a card.
MARIE (CONT’D) I’ve got the perfect guy. I don’t happen to find him attractive, but you might. (to Alice, indicating Sally) She doesn’t have a problem with chins.
SALLY Marie, I’m not ready yet.
MARIE But you just said you were over him.
SALLY I am over him. But I am in a mourning period. (beat) Who is it?
MARIE Alex Anderson.
SALLY You fixed me up with him six years ago.
MARIE Sorry …
SALLY God.
MARIE (pulls another card) All right, wait. Here—here we go. Ken Darman.
SALLY He’s been married for over a year.
MARIE Really? Married.
Marie takes Ken Darman’s Rolodex card and dog-ears a corner of it and places it in a section at the back of the box. Then she pulls out another card.
MARIE (CONT’D) Oh wait, wait, wait, I got one.
SALLY Look, there is no point in my going out with someone I might really like if I met him at the right time but who right now has no chance of being anything to me but a transitional man.
MARIE Okay. But don’t wait too long. Remember what happened to David Warsaw? His wife left him, and everyone said, give him some time, don’t move in too fast. Six months later he was dead.
SALLY What are you saying? I should get married to someone right away in case he’s about to die?
ALICE At least you can say you were married.
MARIE I’m saying that the right man for you might be out there right now and if you don’t grab him, someone else will, and you’ll have to spend the rest of your life knowing that someone else is married to your husband.
CUT TO:
EXT. GIANTS STADIUM—DAY
A wave is in progress. It sweeps around the stadium and passes by Harry and his friend JESS, sitting in the second deck surrounded by Giants fans. It’s fall, they’re both wearing jeans and windbreakers.
Harry is very despondent.
JESS When did this happen?
HARRY Friday, Helen comes home from work, and she says, “I don’t know if I want to be married anymore.” Like it’s the institution, you know, like it’s nothing personal, just something she’s been thinking about in a casual way. I’m calm. I say, “Why don’t we take some time to think about it?” You know, don’t rush into anything.
JESS Yeah, right.
HARRY Next day she says she’s thought about it, and she wants a trial separation. She just wants to try it, she says. But we can still date, she says, like this is supposed to cushion the blow. I mean, I got married so I could stop dating, so I don’t see where “we can still date” is a big incentive, since the last thing you want to do is date your wife, who’s supposed to love you, which is what I’m saying to her when it occurs to me that maybe she doesn’t, so I say to her, “Don’t you love me anymore?” and you know what she says? “I don’t know if I’ve ever loved you.”
A wave comes through the crowd, and Harry and Jess stand and wave their hands.
JESS Ooh, that’s harsh.
They sit down.
JESS (CONT’D) You don’t bounce back from that right away.
HARRY Thanks, Jess.
JESS No, I’m a writer, I know dialogue, and that’s particularly harsh.
HARRY Then she tells me that someone in her office is going to South America, and she can sublet his apartment. I can’t believe this. And the doorbell rings. “I can sublet his apartment.” The words are still hanging in the air, you know, like in a balloon connected to her mouth.
JESS Like in a cartoon.
HARRY Right. So I’m going to the door, and there are moving men there. Now I start to get suspicious. I say, “Helen, when did you call these movers?” And she doesn’t say anything, so I ask the movers, “When did this woman book you for this gig?” and they’re just standing there, three huge guys, one of them wearing a T-shirt that says, “Don’t fuck with Mister Zero.” So I said, “Helen, when did you make this arrangement?” She says, “A week ago.” I said, “You’ve known for a week, and you didn’t tell me?” And she says, “I didn�
��t want to ruin your birthday.”
A second wave comes through and Harry and Jess stand and wave their hands.
JESS You’re saying Mister Zero knew you were getting a divorce a week before you did?
HARRY Mister Zero knew.
JESS I can’t believe this.
HARRY I haven’t told you the bad part yet.
JESS What could be worse than Mister Zero knowing?
HARRY It’s all a lie. She’s in love with somebody else, some tax attorney. She moved in with him.
JESS How did you find out?
HARRY I followed her. I stood outside the building.
JESS So humiliating.
HARRY Tell me about it. (beat) And you know, I knew. I knew the whole time that even though we were happy, it was just an illusion and one day she would kick the shit out of me.
JESS Marriages don’t break up on account of infidelity—it’s just a symptom that something else is wrong.
HARRY Really? Well, that symptom is fucking my wife.
Another wave comes through, and they stand up. They sit down.
CUT TO:
INT. SHAKESPEARE & CO. BOOKSTORE—DAY
Sally and Marie standing in the bookstore in a section called Personal Relationships. A table full of books. Marie is looking at something like Smart Women, Foolish Choices. Sally is looking at something like Safe Sex in Dangerous Times.
MARIE So I just happened to see his American Express bill.
SALLY What do you mean, you just happened to see it?
MARIE Well, he was shaving, and there it was in his briefcase.
SALLY What if he came out and saw you looking through his briefcase?
MARIE You’re missing the point. I’m telling you what I found. (beat) He just spent $120 on a new nightgown for his wife. (beat) I don’t think he’s ever going to leave her.
SALLY No one thinks he’s ever going to leave her.
MARIE You’re right, you’re right. I know you’re right.
Marie looks up for a moment for a new book, sees something.
MARIE (CONT’D) Someone is staring at you in Personal Growth.
Sally glances over to the Personal Growth section. There’s Harry.
SALLY I know him. You’d like him. He’s married.
MARIE Who is he?
SALLY Harry Burns. He’s a political consultant.
MARIE He’s cute.
SALLY You think he’s cute?
MARIE How do you know he’s married?
SALLY Because the last time I saw him, he was getting married.
MARIE When was that?
