*
They strolled home, walking down sidewalks that were as crowded as any Laurie had encountered in Japan. There was a liveliness about the city that gave it a charge she’d never felt in LA. “I’m an idiot for never having traveled.”
“You’re not an idiot, and you have traveled. Just not for fun. Until now.”
“I feel like such a dunce. You know so much about music and art and history. You speak two languages…”
“Uhm…three,” Kaatje interrupted. “Four if you count the German I learned the summer I spent volunteering on an organic farm in Schleswig-Holstein.” She shrugged when Laurie scowled. “Just being honest. I don’t want you to be surprised if we go to France and I start speaking la belle langue.”
“How’d you learn French? Did you live there?”
“No. I’m good with languages. I took French in school and I’d forgotten much of what I’d learned, but I met a woman on the French side of the island. She was a French national living on St. Maarten for a year and she helped me…practice.” She graced Laurie with a lascivious grin.
“I still can’t understand how you can afford to take so much time off and travel. I can’t imagine anyone I know being able to take the summer off to volunteer to work on a farm.”
Kaatje gave her a gentle smile. “Well, I was still in school, and I didn’t volunteer because of my good heart. I got food and lodging for my efforts, and I got to travel around on my days off. I’d catch a ride when the farmers had to go to various cities. I don’t go first class, Laurie. I don’t even go second class if third class is available.”
“Still…you’re all cultured. You pick up a new language as easily as you do a new woman. I just work.”
“You can always change that. Life is about choices.”
“Yeah, yeah,” she said dejectedly. “Tell that to the demonic Teddy Bear.”
*
They got into bed as soon as they got home. It was still early, only eleven, and Laurie had been able to battle her jet lag to a draw. Instead of ravishing each other they slowed down and made love in such a leisurely fashion that it felt like they had years to play with each other.
Laurie started at the top, giving Kaatje a sexy head rub, then meticulously working her way down her body. Neither of them gave voice to it, but it seemed as if she were imprinting the images of Kaatje’s entire body onto her brain to sustain herself for the months they’d be apart.
It took a very long time to go all the way down, kissing, caressing and teasing all the while. She was almost in a trance of concentration when Kaatje tapped her on the shoulder. “That’s my foot,” she said conversationally.
Laurie looked up at her, then shifted her eyes down. Kaatje’s smallest toe was in her mouth, and she was sucking on it like it was a life-giving nipple. Her mouth opened and the toe dropped out. Then she looked at Kaatje helplessly. “First vaginas, now feet. Don’t ever doubt how much I’m into you.”
“I don’t.” Her expression was tender and very sweet. “Is it okay I didn’t mention it until you were on the last toe?”
Laurie felt the other foot, noting the entire appendage was slightly damp. She shook her head and went back to business, taking a nibble out of a giggling Kaatje’s instep.
*
They spent the next day with Kaatje’s immediate family. Her brother Daniël owned a power boat, and they languidly motored up and down the canals, with everyone in the family calling out interesting buildings and monuments. Kaatje and Laurie sat beside one another, with little Thijs on Kaatje’s lap. After precocious, seven-year-old Roos impressed one and all with her English skills, Laurie leaned over and said, “I used to think my nieces were bright. They’re dullards compared to yours.”
Kaatje turned to see her teasing expression. “I’ll have to meet yours before I can offer an opinion.”
Laurie sighed and snuggled up against her, only mildly tempted to knock Thijs off so she’d have Kaatje all to herself. “That would be great. We’ll have to get on that. Grace and Lily would love you.”
Kaatje frowned for a moment. “Funny names,” she said, with such a straight face Laurie couldn’t tell if she was teasing or not.
*
That night they had dinner with some of Kaatje’s closest friends. All of them spoke English to a greater or lesser degree, but Kaatje was always ready to jump in with a quick translation. They all had regular, year-round jobs, but the way they talked about vacations they’d taken together made Laurie ask, “How much time off do you all get?”
They each answered in turn. “Five weeks.”
“I get five, but I buy two weeks extra.”
“I can take a sabbatical every other year for up to three months.”
“Damn.” Laurie shook her head. “I practically had to have a heart attack to take two weeks off, and I’m still getting teased about it. My staff still calls me ‘the slacker’ just to torture me.”
“They say Americans love to work,” said Marieke, a woman Laurie suspected was a former lover. “Is that right?” She looked at Kaatje for confirmation.
“This American certainly does,” she agreed, bumping her shoulder against Laurie’s.
*
They decided to go to a jazz club, and the majority wanted to stop for a quick buzz on the way. Kaatje held back and whispered, “Are you okay with getting high?”
“Sure. I probably won’t, but it’s fine with me if we stop. It’ll enhance my tourist credentials.”
Kaatje’s friend Elodie seemed to be the expert, and she decided on a light hash that she decreed was perfect for jazz. A nice, mellow high without too many visual effects. They shared a few bowls, with Kaatje passing it along after Laurie declined. But on the second round Laurie took a tentative drag and Kaatje followed right behind her. It had been at least ten years, but the familiar buzz slammed into her like a freight train. If this was a mellow high, she was awfully glad they hadn’t gone for a intense one. At that moment, Laurie remembered why she’d stopped smoking. She had two chronic side effects from drugs. Fits of the giggles mixed with lust, which, surprisingly, most guys hadn’t found attractive. She reasoned the lust was good, but the giggles made them suspicious. They walked down the street after they’d polished off three bowls, with Laurie hanging back to avoid embarrassing Kaatje with her unstoppable giggling. “I’m really sorry,” she whispered loudly, “but this always happens to me.”
“Don’t worry,” Kaatje said, her voice as slow as poured honey. “Just have fun. Enjoy yourself.”
The club was crowded, but they were able to find several tables they could squeeze together. They jammed them against the back wall and somehow managed to slide into seats. After they ordered drinks, a four piece ensemble came onto the low stage and started to play. To Laurie’s ears each instrument was alone, then inextricably mixed with the others, then alone again. The melodies were pure, and yet so intricate that it was like listening to a flock of songbirds of every variety. She was lost in the music, her eyes closed, head resting against the wall. After a long time, Kaatje leaned over and whispered, “You can’t do that to me,” and carefully removed Laurie’s hand from her very upper thigh. “I’m not going to have an orgasm in front of my friends.”
“Oh, shit!” Her volume was definitely too loud for the venue, and a dozen people turned in her direction. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, blushing furiously. “I didn’t even realize.”
“This is my leg,” Kaatje said, taking Laurie’s hand and sliding it from knee to mid-thigh. “This is my kruis.” Now she pressed her fingers firmly between her legs. “Don’t touch that part until we’re home, okay?” Her smile was playful and indulgent and made Laurie melt.
“I can’t promise that,” she whispered back, wishing they could time travel right back to bed.
*
Laurie had her hand everyplace she could respectfully get it on the walk from the tram. She’d behaved herself beautifully while traveling, and she thought she deserved a break. By the tim
e they climbed to the third floor, she was working the buttons on Kaatje’s blouse and things got rougher as they entered the apartment. She’d never felt so ravenous, and found herself taking control in a way that seemed strangely natural. Kaatje just looked at her with her half-lidded eyes and let herself be led upstairs.
Kaatje was half undressed, her slacks hanging off one foot, blouse and bra missing. Laurie’s fingers had burrowed under her panties and were caressing every spot she could reach. With a thump, she pushed Kaatje to the bed and stood over her, quickly whipping off her own clothing and throwing it over her head as she did. “I’m going to latch onto your kris and never let it go,” she growled.
Kaatje couldn’t help but laugh. “My kris? I’d rather you played with my kruis.” She took her hand and pressed it into herself. Feel how wet my poesje gets when you show me how hungry you are for me.”
“Sexy talk only!” She tried to look fierce, but it didn’t translate that way. Kaatje held out her hands and pulled her onto her body, nuzzling her face into her neck.
“That was sexy talk.”
“Poseje is sexy?” She pulled her head up and looked at Kaatje suspiciously. “Really?”
“Make love to me,” Kaatje whispered, her eyes filled with desire. “Make it last for months.”
Laurie gazed at her for a long time. She was lost. Kaatje was the person…the woman she’d been looking for. She desperately wanted to be as gay as possible with the lovely woman who lay under her, hungry for love.
It had been easy to tease when they’d been clothed, but when Kaatje looked at her with those soulful eyes, it was impossible. What they shared was so much more than sex. It was hard to think of the right words, but sex was just the vehicle they used to get to the important part. This had to be love—it had to be. It was love and desire and need and passion and security and danger. And they communicated each of those tender feelings by sharing their bodies.
It was such a different experience from what she’d had before, and one she’d never be able to effectively communicate to Kaatje. She’d been searching for this love—this passion—for half of her life. And there was no way she was going to let it go. She ran her hands down Kaatje’s arms, marveling at the wonders of her body. Every sweet sensation was hers for the taking—and she never, ever wanted the night to end.
*
Kaatje woke the next morning to hear Laurie on her cell phone, obviously speaking to an airline.
“No, I want the last flight out of Amsterdam. There has to be one later than two o’clock in the afternoon.”
Kaatje got out of bed and walked over to her. “Don’t do it,” she said quietly. “You’re on the best flight.”
“But I have to leave in an hour,” she said, tension locked into her face.
Taking the phone from her, Kaatje said into it, “Thank you,” and hung up. “Laurie,” she said soothingly, “flights to the US leave early. You’re on the only nonstop KLM has. I don’t want you to leave either, but three or four hours together isn’t worth your having to sit in some airport waiting for a connection.”
“Minneapolis. Two and a half hours.”
“Come on now,” she took her hand and led her back to bed. “Lie with me for a while.” Laurie sprawled over her body like a rag doll. “This is hard,” Kaatje said needlessly.
“I…we haven’t talked about the future. How…how can we stay in touch?”
Kaatje stiffened, her body feeling like it had turned to stone. “Stay in touch? That’s what you want? You’ll see me the next time you’re in Europe?” The rigidity vanished, replaced by strong, fluid hands that lifted Laurie and placed her on her back. Kaatje sat up, flinging her hair from her eyes, the sheet tenting over her knees as she leaned heavily on them. “That’s all this is?”
Laurie shot up and tried to put an arm around her, but Kaatje squirmed away.
“No! Don’t…I didn’t mean that literally. I just don’t know where we go from here.”
Kaatje stared at her. It was impossible to tell if she was angry, or frightened or frustrated. “What do you want?”
“If you were in the US, I’d want you to move in with me. If I were here I’d want to live with you.” She stroked her arm, relieved that Kaatje did not shirk from her touch. “I’m really, really into you.” That was beyond lame. But this wasn’t the time to talk about the future. There were too many balls in the air to add another one to the juggling act.
“But you’re not here and I’m not in the US.”
“No, but that isn’t a surprise, is it? We knew we’d have to figure something out.”
Kaatje jumped out of bed and started pacing. “What can we figure out? You’ve been a lesbian for a matter of days. I can’t commit myself to a woman who’s married to her job, who isn’t sure of her sexuality, who has no interest in my way of life. This is crazy!”
Laurie slipped out of bed and approached her tentatively, as though she were a feral animal. When she got close enough she grasped Kaatje by the waist and held onto her. “I am sure of my sexuality. And being together is not crazy. Once Osaka’s open I can stop and think. I’ll take some time off. We can focus on us.”
“Two weeks?” Her tone was cold.
“No, more than that. I promise I can get enough time off to let us spend a long time together. We can travel anywhere you want, or you can come to LA or I’ll go to St. Maarten. We can make this work if we really want to.” She shook Kaatje gently. “I want it to. Do you?”
Her expression softened inch by inch. Finally, she closed her eyes and sighed. “I do.” They held each other for a minute or two, bridging the emotional gap that had unexpectedly opened up. Then Kaatje led the way back to bed. She sat down and Laurie did the same, looking at her expectantly. “I want to make sure of something.”
“Okay.”
“Is our distance the only thing we have to fix? I don’t want to get into this and find out you can’t be with me because I’m not successful enough or I don’t make enough money.”
“That kind of thing has never crossed my mind—” Laurie began, but Kaatje interrupted.
“I want to be clear.” Kaatje’s eyes burned with an intensity that was a little frightening. “I’m ready…I’m anxious to move forward. Are you?”
Shit! She wasn’t ready for this discussion. But she had to get it out now. Right now. “There’s one thing you have to try to change.”
Kaatje’s expression immediately softened and turned open, almost earnest, like a student listening to a favorite teacher. “What is it?”
“It feels like you punish me with silence when you’re angry, and that’s hard for me to take.”
Kaatje flopped onto the bed and stared into space for a few moments.
“You’re doing it now,” Laurie said. “You might not mean to…but you’re doing it.”
Kaatje patted the space beside her. “Lie with me for a minute.”
Laurie did, waiting patiently. Just having brought it up made the minutes she waited seem less like punishment and more like a pause in their conversation. Kind of like rebooting a computer.
Finally, Kaatje spoke. “When I was young, I was encouraged to have any type of feeling towards my parents and my siblings. It was perfectly fine to be angry or even hateful. I could wish that I could drown my sister in the canal, but I wasn’t allowed to express those feelings aloud because they were hurtful. They were valid, and I wouldn’t be punished for having them, but they were mine alone.”
That sounded kinda healthy. Was she complaining about that? It was hard to tell when she seemed this thoughtful and gentle.
“I had a bad temper when I was young. I was prone to yell and throw a fit, but that wasn’t allowed. I had to learn to control myself to avoid being punished, and the only way I could do it was to shut up.” She looked at Laurie, her eyes almost begging for empathy. “It’s still the only way I know to avoid snapping off some rude comment I’ll regret.”
The look in her eyes was so fragile—it was
unforgettable. She was laying herself right out there without any protection. That was such a loving act. “I understand,” Laurie managed, choking back tears. “We’ll figure it out. We can figure anything out.” She kissed her lovely lips gently. “We’re invincible together.” Please, please let that be true. Nothing has ever been more important. Nothing.
*
They took public transportation to the airport. But Kaatje didn’t point out all of the sights they passed. She didn’t say a word. She just clutched Laurie’s hand until it hurt. When they got to the security line, Kaatje had to say goodbye. They kissed as platonically as they could, since neither liked to show her feelings too much in public. Then Kaatje whispered in her ear, “Do you still have a crush on me?”
Tears sprang to Laurie’s eyes, and all she could do was nod, decisively, and blow a kiss. Then she watched Kaatje lope through the airport, knowing she was crying and needed to find a quiet place to be alone. All alone.
Chapter Twelve
SOMEHOW LAURIE HAD to make up for the time she’d spent in Europe. Even though only one day had been vacation, it was still seven days out of the office, counting the weekend—and no one did her work when she was gone.
The only way through her backlog of e-mails and reports was to skip meals and work even later. After sleeping on her office sofa for a week, she woke to find Wendy, her admin, standing over her. “I know it won’t help much, but I found a food service that will make deliveries here to the office. Here’s your breakfast. I have your lunch and dinner in the refrigerator.”
“Aww, you don’t have to do that.” Laurie sat up and tried to work out the crick in her neck. “But I’m going to gobble this down before I head over to the gym to shower. Is anyone else here?”
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