by Hazel Kelly
My stomach growled again.
“I think we better feed you.”
Feed me your dick, I thought, wondering if I should tell him about my trip to the health center. Instead, I made a pouty face at the idea of getting dressed and going somewhere we couldn’t be naked.
“Wow.”
I pulled back. “What?”
“I know last night was good, but I didn’t think you’d be gagging for it quite this soon.”
It was gagging on it that I was thinking about, but at this point, I was up for anything. As long as his hands and mouth and attention were on me, I felt sexy and capable and shiny. The only thing more addictive was having my hands and mouth and attention on him. “I am, though,” I whined. “And it’s all your fault.”
He laughed.
“Don’t you feel bad?”
He squinted. “Bad that the gorgeous woman I’m in bed with wants to fuck around? Can you hear yourself?”
I rolled my eyes, but the truth was, I wasn’t sure how to beg for it without obviously begging for it. Plus, my stomach was going off again, causing me to consider Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Was food really more important to my body than sex? Or had I simply conditioned it to believe that? Surely someday, when I was having constant sex with Logan, I’d be able to subsist on that and only that… Right?
“You want to go for a leisurely brunch?” he asked. “Or do you want something quick?”
“Don’t tease me.”
He laughed. “Seriously, Zo. I’d happily have you for breakfast, but that noise.”
“I know, okay. It’s not my best.”
“Pretty sure you made your best last night,” he said, his eyebrows flashing as his cock swelled against my thigh.
If I got up and got a condom, would he stop me from sliding it over him?
“C’mon,” he said, leaning forward to press his warm lips against mine. “You’ll need energy for what I’ve planned next.”
My insides squealed as I raised my eyebrows. “What do you have planned?”
A soft knock resounded against the door, and the hairs on my body recognized it even before my brain. Maybe Nina forgot her key, I tried to tell myself, knowing full well that Nina wasn’t that kind of girl. I sat up.
“Zoey?”
I pressed a straight finger against my lips and stared at the door.
She knocked again. “Zoey, it’s Piper. Are you in there?”
I glanced at Logan’s face, which had lost its healthy color from moments ago.
He shook his head, begging me with his eyes not to say anything.
But I couldn’t do that. Piper was my best friend. Just because I was literally in bed with her ex didn’t mean I could ignore her. Not when she must’ve driven three hours to get here this morning. Fuck.
“Zoey?”
“Coming,” I said, feigning a sleepy voice before springing out of bed and pulling my clothes on from the night before.
Logan sat up and set his feet on the floor like he was still too sleepy to understand how fucked the situation was.
“Hey,” I whispered at him while I yanked Nina’s sheets down.
He furrowed his brow.
“Get in,” I mouthed, gesturing with my hand.
He cocked his head.
I repeated the gesture and made a face like I was in no mood to argue.
He seemed reluctant but did as I asked.
Across the room, I smoothed the sheets on my bed down, grabbed my purse off the floor, and slipped my shower flip-flops on. When I spun around, he was staring at me, confusion all over his face.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, kissing him on the forehead. Then I laid a hand on his shoulder, encouraging him to scoot farther under the covers.
“Zoey, this is-”
“Shh!” I said, handing him the key to my room. “I’ll call you later.” Then I yanked Nina’s sheets up over his head and went to the door. “Hey!” I said, peeking into the hall, where Piper was standing with cocked hips in her skinny jeans. “What a surprise! What are you doing here?”
“I came to check out your new digs,” she said, her eyes straying to the gap in the door above my head. “Can I come in?
“Nina’s still sleeping,” I said, stepping into the hall and closing the door softly. “Let’s go out.”
“Okay,” she whispered, making me feel instantly terrible for lying to her.
As if I didn’t already feel wretched enough.
T H I R T Y E I G H T
- Logan -
I’d never felt more foolish than when she pulled that fucking sheet over my head.
Was I pumped about Piper’s unannounced visit? No. Was I awake enough to handle it like a rational adult? Clearly not.
But I wasn’t ashamed of myself. I wasn’t ashamed of Zoey. I wasn’t so freaked out that I wanted to abandon our plans for the morning. Then again, reveling in the aftermath of our romantic evening with Piper at the head of the breakfast table certainly wouldn’t be ideal.
But she hid me. She literally hid me not only from Piper’s view, but from her own.
I picked up a set of dumbbells and headed back to the corner of the gym where Carter was doing weighted pushups over a puddle of his own sweat. As I watched him, I couldn’t help but envy the fact that his workout wasn’t being compromised by relationship drama, which he avoided like the plague.
Meanwhile, with every curl of my biceps, I became increasingly pissed off at Zoey’s lack of maturity.
Unfortunately, I knew I couldn’t blame this mess on her. She’d been upfront about her inexperience every step of the way… though I admit it had been the furthest thing from my mind when her lips were wrapped around me last night.
But what else did I expect? You fuck around with a compulsive people pleaser, and you’re bound to get knocked down a peg or two on their list of priorities at some point. I just didn’t think it would happen the fucking morning after a night like that.
The only way I could possibly feel more dejected would be if we’d gone all the way. But no. I wanted to take things slow, wanted to take stock of our feelings, wanted it to be special for her.
I thought that was the least she deserved. Of course, that was before I knew she thought I deserved to be hidden like a bad habit.
But I was trying so hard to do right by her. Couldn’t she see that? Couldn’t she see that I was trying to keep things from getting more complicated than they already were?
I knew she would’ve let me stick it to her this morning. Her need was written all over her face. And I wanted to take her, have her, and keep her. I did. But more than that, I wanted to be more careful than I’d been in the past, more careful than I’d been with Piper.
Because not only did I know better now, but the stakes were higher with Zoey. I’d never felt so deeply that someone was right for me and that I was right for them. Which was scary as hell.
So I didn’t want to fuck it up.
I knew how crippling a broken heart could be, and I wasn’t sure I could go through it again. Frankly, I wasn’t sure I was through it, if I ever would be. When the person you love looks you in the eye and says she’s better off without your baby, a broken heart is just the tip of the iceberg.
You can keep going through the motions with a broken heart. You can stay on the rails. But the self-doubt that kind of rejection stokes takes a toll on every aspect of your life. After all, she didn’t stop wanting me until she knew she was carrying my baby, and as a man, that was the mindfuck of a lifetime.
Worst of all, my feelings for her went the opposite way when I found out she was pregnant. I forgot about our problems as a couple and changed my focus overnight. It wasn’t easy, but what choice did I have? We were young, and her parents weren’t supportive while mine were as good as dead.
I wasn’t naïve about how hard it would be, but I didn’t care. We made a baby. She was going to be the mother of our child. That was all that mattered to me, and I was determined to step up. I was read
y.
And then she lost her.
And instead of grieving with me, she ended it. Just like that. Like either of us needed more tragedy in our lives that day. That DAY.
If only I thought she was a fucking bitch. That would’ve made it so much easier. But she wasn’t. She was just scared shitless. And why wouldn’t she be? Most teenagers didn’t have my background. They didn’t have any experience making it on their own, much less the belief that it was possible.
But our differences didn’t end there.
Piper, for instance, was worried we wouldn’t be able to give the kid any of the fancy things or experiences she was afforded growing up, whereas that bullshit never crossed my mind. I knew what kids needed and what they didn’t need, and I assured her that we had years to address her concerns about quality ballet slippers and private tennis lessons.
In my opinion, our immediate focus needed to be on how we were going to make sure our little girl felt safe and loved enough to enjoy a carefree childhood where she could actively discover her interests and personality.
But there was little we agreed on, and despite my tireless efforts to convince her everything would be okay, we never argued more than we did when she was pregnant. It seemed the calmer I tried to be, the harder she pushed back, and in my darkest hours, I still worried the stress she was under caused her miscarriage.
Maybe Zoey had been too close to that. Maybe that was part of the problem. Why would she want someone who had caused her best friend so much pain? How could I possibly believe that she’d want to end up with a guy that the person she was closest to had unceremoniously rejected?
Then again, maybe I never did believe it.
Maybe that’s part of the reason I’d been taking things so slow.
Because I was expecting this.
Because I knew it was coming.
And when it did, I didn’t want to be any deeper into her than I already was.
I just didn’t think her change of heart would happen so soon. Or so abruptly.
But the swiftness of her rejection hadn’t made it hurt any less, and my chest ached with the realization that I’d gotten my hopes up for a future that was never going to happen.
Again.
T H I R T Y N I N E
- Zoey -
Piper’s emotional rant lasted all the way to my favorite campus diner and halfway through our omelets. “What do you think I should do?” she asked when she finally stopped for breath.
“I don’t know,” I said, wishing I could be more helpful. “What do you think you should do?”
She turned her fork over and pushed some hash browns around her plate. “I think it’ll kill me no matter what I decide.”
I hated seeing her this desperate, and it wasn’t the first time I felt pure vitriol for her parents.
“Seriously, Zo. I can’t manage the schedule I’m keeping. I’m already not sleeping. And I’m definitely not meeting anyone or having any fun. Not that that’s what college is about but-”
“I know what you mean,” I said, noticing she looked unusually pale. Even her hair, which was pulled back in a messy bun, looked slightly greasy, and that wasn’t like her. Her dark brown hair was usually shiny and soft and primed to turn heads at all times. “You can’t not have a life.”
She nodded.
“What were your dad’s exact words again?”
She sighed, her lashes casting shadows over the dark circles around her eyes. “He said if I don’t stay enrolled in my university business courses, he’s cutting me off.”
“What about your culinary major?”
“He doesn’t care about it. He said it will be there later.”
“Does he have a point?” I asked. “I mean, if you can’t manage both, and you really think he’ll cut you off…?”
Her eyes hardened like that wasn’t what she wanted to hear. “Do you have any idea how competitive the culinary industry is? One year of experience is, like, a million in any other industry. And it’s a young person’s game. I’ll get behind if I quit now.”
“What do you want me to say?” I asked. “I’m not going to tell you to take on a bunch of debt if you don’t absolutely have to, and I would never tell you to give up on your dream.”
“I know.” She put her elbows on the table and her face in her hands.
I couldn’t help but feel it wasn’t supposed to go this way. She was supposed to be having a brilliant, life-affirming experience at college like I was. She was supposed to be finding herself, meeting people, and pursuing her most ambitious goals. Burning the candle at both ends and worrying about tuition was never part of the plan.
“Enough about me,” she said. “I didn’t drive here just to go on and on about what an intolerable ass my dad is. That’s not even news. Tell me what’s going on with you.”
“There’s nothing much to tell,” I lied. “Still getting along with Nina and enjoying my courses.”
She eyed me skeptically.
“I have to go to the bathroom,” I said, excusing myself from the vinyl-cushioned booth. “If you see our waitress, maybe ask for the bill?”
I walked straight to the bathroom mirror to check if I looked different. I certainly felt different on the inside. Could Piper sense that? Did she know something was up? Or did she only seem suspect because I’d been so hard to reach all week?
A swell of confidence rushed up through me, making me think I should tell her about Logan. She had a right to know, and she would find out eventually. It would be better if it came from me, and sooner rather than later. Then again, she was clearly distracted with her personal crisis, and it seemed wrong to overwhelm her more. So in the end, I decided it wasn’t a good time.
“So,” she said when I sat back in the booth.
“Did you ask for the bill?”
“Yeah,” she said. “And I silenced your phone when it wouldn’t stop ringing in your purse.”
“Did you see who it was?” I asked, trying to hide my panic by not immediately reaching for my bag.
“Nina.”
My shoulders relaxed a little. “Oh.”
“Kind of relieved to see you blow off all your friends’ calls and not just mine.”
I cocked my head. “I said I was sorry. I had a big test this week that was thirty percent of my final grade.”
“Good thing it wasn’t a test of our friendship.”
“Piper.”
“Zoey,” she said in a deadpan tone.
I clenched my jaw, reminding myself that she was overly stressed and that her irritation wasn’t entirely personal.
“Are you going to tell me about him or not?”
“About who?”
She rolled her eyes. “Don’t bullshit me. Isn’t it obvious that I could use some good news?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
She looked at me like I was the shittiest liar on earth.
I bit my tongue and held her gaze.
“In that case, I suppose you don’t know anything about why there was grass in your bedhead when you opened the door this morning.”
I swallowed.
“Or the fact that your shirt’s on inside out.”
I looked down. How had I not noticed that? I was just looking in the fucking mirror.
“Or the birth control in your purse.”
Fuck.
“I only saw the pack when I silenced your phone, okay? I didn’t mean to snoop.”
Something told me the classic I was holding it for someone excuse wasn’t going to fly with her.
“But now that my suspicions have been confirmed, will you please tell me what’s going on?”
“I should probably turn my shirt the right way around,” I said, trying to escape again.
“Zoey.”
I could tell by her tone that nothing was going to make her forget this line of inquiry, so I scooted back in the booth and lowered my voice. “I’ve only been taking it for a few days,” I said, looking around to
make sure no one was ease dropping. “I’m not, ya know, active yet or anything?”
“Having sex, you mean?”
I leaned back in the booth.
“Who is he?”
I blinked at her.
“Is it Tom?”
“No,” I said, shuddering at the thought of his weirdly long fingers on me.
“I see,” she said, as if that were all the information she needed.
“I don’t really want to talk about it,” I said. “It’s still so new.”
“Since when do you not tell me stuff?” she asked, failing to hide the thread of hurt in her voice.
Since I thought I might hurt you. I wondered if my efforts to protect her feelings were even worth it. I mean, they clearly weren’t working. Even worse, all I was doing was falling back on my old habit of putting everyone else’s feelings before my own, and I didn’t want to be that girl anymore.
I wanted to be a woman, a woman who didn’t apologize for everything. A woman who wasn’t afraid to be selfish. After all, if college had taught me anything so far, it was that I was accountable for my own actions and what other people thought of them was none of my business.
Besides, Piper was my best friend. I should be able to tell her how happy I was and expect her to be happy for me… or at least expect that she would have the good sense to bite her tongue.
“It’s Logan, isn’t it?”
I would’ve choked if there’d been anything in my mouth.
“That’s what I thought.”
I shook my stunned head. “Why would you guess that?”
She shrugged. “Why else would you not return my calls? Why else would you be so weird about telling me who you’ve been hooking up with?”
I took a deep breath and held it.
“I’m right, aren’t I?”
I exhaled. “I was going to tell you, Pipe. I just didn’t know how, and we agreed we wouldn’t tell anyone till we figured out if there was something there.”
“Of course there’s something there.”
I furrowed my brow.
“There’s always been something there.”
