by Destiny, Sam
Finally, I walked over and sat next to him. I expected fury to engulf me, but it didn’t. Exhaustion spreading in my body, I sighed. “I have no idea what I’m doing, but I’m glad Katie forced me to get back into a routine. Going to work and being around you guys makes things…bearable.”
Knox grinned. “Makes you feel like a man again instead of a feeding station, doesn’t it?”
I shrugged. “Yeah, maybe. I forgot you went through this, too. At least you were prepared before Callum was born.”
He chuckled darkly. “You think anyone is really prepared? Seriously? I think even parents who are married totally aren’t prepared for what’s coming with a baby. However, I chose to have Callum. You were thrown into this. Do you…” He hesitated. “Do you regret it?”
“I thought I would, but no, I don’t. I never thought about having children, but… I don’t regret having him. I do regret not being good enough to deserve him.”
Okay, maybe this whole sharing thing wasn’t good after all because saying those words to a grown man just felt absolutely and utterly wrong.
They also made me feel as if I had failed my son on the most basic level, and I didn’t even know why.
* * *
KATIE
Fall was my favorite season, always had been, yet I couldn’t help noticing how it felt different when you sat on a park bench with an infant while women walking by gave you happy smiles.
Some came over to talk to me, asking about Cory, his age, and everything else you could possibly want to know about him.
I knew most of the faces from the hospital, but didn’t remember names. In fact, I remembered some of the children playing in the playground across from where I sat. I could recall the conditions they’d been in right after being born, but their mothers? I knew the faces, knew which one had needed emergency surgery after giving birth, but I could not place a single name with them.
I thought I was part of the community. That I was a good nurse, treating her patients like human beings, not numbers. I realized I wasn’t.
“How are you, Katie?”
A woman walked over, her son, probably around six or seven, running off to the playground. His mother sat down next to me. I knew her, knew she had twins, the girl not surviving. I remember the girl’s name was supposed to be Grace. I still saw her tiny, blue body, having choked on amniotic fluid before ever leaving her mother’s womb. The woman had been inconsolable, and I remember telling her she had a son she needed to focus on. I’d sat with her for hours, saw her for days afterward—yet I could not, for the life of me, remember her name.
She must’ve seen something on my face because she smiled softly. “Maureen. My name’s Maureen.”
I nodded. “Maureen… I’m sorry. I couldn’t put a name with the face.”
She focused on the playground, and I followed her gaze. “You probably don’t remember, but I had twins,” she started. I wanted to prove to her that I wasn’t a complete idiot.
“Grace died because of the fluid in her lungs. I remember,” I explained softly.
At her silence, I turned to look at her, seeing her staring at me, an expression of disbelief on her face.
“I cannot believe that,” she muttered, outrage ringing out loud and clear. “I mean, I was perfectly fine with you not remembering me because of how many women you must see on a daily basis, but this? You can remember my daughter’s name, although you only spent all of ten minutes with her, but you cannot recall my freaking name? Are you for real? Is it just my child you remember, or all the dead ones?”
Confused, I shook my head. “I-I… Not just yours, and not just the dead ones. There are others—”
She smirked, cutting me off. “You know, I came here to thank you. You were my salvation in the days afterward. You made me see that I needed to take care of my son while I grieved my daughter. No one else could make me see that, but you did. I was impressed. You were so sweet. Was it like that already back then? You didn’t recall my name but knew my daughter’s?”
Most likely, but I didn’t say that out loud. I probably checked the name by the door each time I entered, but there was no use in angering her further, so I stayed silent.
“I cannot believe you.”
She stood and walked away, joining a group of mothers on the other side of the playground. Forcing myself not to cry, I put Cory back into his stroller.
I couldn’t change the way my brain stored things, couldn’t decide what I remembered and what I didn’t. The walk back to Hayden’s place suddenly seemed endless, and I nearly sobbed in relief when his house came into view. I wanted nothing more than to hand over Cory, go home, and open a bottle of wine—the biggest one I could find.
I rang the doorbell, although I had a key, and Hayden opened it not five seconds later, as if he’d been anxiously waiting for his son to return.
“Hey, Katie,” he greeted me. He unbuckled Cory and picked him up, then walked toward the kitchen, as if excepting me to follow.
“I’m going home, Hayden,” I called after him. “I’ll come by tomorrow, okay?” I worked hard to not let my voice break.
“I made dinner. Come on. Stay a little longer,” Hayden replied loud enough for me to hear.
“I’m not really hungry. I…” My heart raced. I knew I was going to burst into tears any second.
As if he could feel it, Hayden walked back, his hands empty. “What’s going on? You sound off.”
Instead of replying, I asked, “Where’s Cory?”
“In the car seat on the kitchen table. Katie? Tell me what’s going on.”
He reached for me, but I swatted his hands away. I couldn’t handle the concern in his eyes, the softness in his expression.
God, I didn’t know why I was so incredibly emotional right now, but I realized if Hayden touched me, I’d probably shatter into a million pieces. Although I might be put back together, I’d never be the same again.
* * *
HAYDEN
I knew something was wrong the moment they entered. I saw it on her face, but it hadn’t registered until she’d refused to stay for dinner. She usually stuck around, which I was grateful for.
However, I didn’t need her for me right now. I needed her around because it was what she needed.
Reaching for her again, I didn’t let her avoid my touch this time, cupping her cheek. It was cold from the crisp air outside, and I was glad I’d closed the windows earlier to get some warmth back into the house.
“Katie, talk to me.” I knew I was the last one to push, but my worry over her kicked in tenfold, nearly knocking the breath out of me—especially when she gasped, reaching for my arm as if she were going to collapse.
What in the world could have possibly happened?
She shook out of her jacket, her breath jagged. I framed her face with my hands to make her meet my eyes. She was white as a sheet, which terrified me.
“Jesus, woman. Talk to me. What in the world is wrong?”
She kicked off her shoes, holding my gaze, then she licked her lips, but only sobs came out.
Kill me now.
I couldn’t handle her pain. Tears, fat and taunting, streamed down her cheeks. I drew her into my arms, kissing the top of her head as she trembled under my hands.
“Whatever it is, it’ll be okay, Katie,” I assured her, wondering what I could possibly say when I didn’t even know what was wrong. “We’ll solve it. We’ll make it right. I promise.”
I squeezed her tighter, but she didn’t calm down. I just knew I wouldn’t let her go. No matter what, I’d get her to stay because she was too upset to be alone.
“Come on, Katie. I need to feed Cory, then we’ll get him ready for bed, okay?” Maybe focusing on him would calm her down enough to talk.
It always worked for me.
Problem was, her legs didn’t seem to work. Her sobs had calmed, but her body was still shaking.
“I’m a horrible person,” she whispered.
“What?” I wasn’t
sure I heard her right. She pulled back to look at me, her hazel eyes puffy.
“I’m the worst person in the world. Every woman on that playground hates me now, Hayden. I’m a terrible person.” It was the last thing I expected her to say.
“Why? Did you spank their children because they were spoiled little brats or something?”
My words surprised a laugh out of her. “No. I wouldn’t do that. That’s their business. But...” She sighed. “I remember their kids, Hayden. I know almost all of their names. But the mothers? I recognize the faces, but the names escape me. Can you believe it? I know under which conditions they gave birth, but… I-I just…”
When fresh tears came to her eyes, I pressed my lips against her forehead, mainly to calm myself down and keep my impulsive ass from walking out that door and finding whomever had said something to her.
“You are a nurse on the maternity ward. The babies are your patients, your focus, so you remember them.”
She sniffled. “Even the dead ones.”
My heart ached, thinking about all the babies who didn’t make it, all the tiny humans who never got a chance to see the world.
“Someone has to, Katie.”
And I meant it. I knew the mothers probably remembered, maybe even the fathers. After all, only a mother could fall in love with a child before it was even born, right? No one else met that tiny human before its birth, and Katie remembering them made it…
I couldn’t put it into words. All the pain she remembered, the lost souls.
“You are an amazing person, Katie Pearson,” I assured her.
She blinked, then went on her tiptoes and kissed me on the cheek. It was sweet and brief, but it still made my heart flutter.
“You know, whenever you’re not being an ass, you are actually quite perfect, Hayden,” she teased, a small smile playing over her lips.
I grinned. “Stay for dinner.” I think we both needed it.
She nodded, wiping her cheeks. “Yeah. I don’t want to be alone anyway. What did you make?” She sniffed the air, but besides a little garlic and some herbs, I didn’t think she could really tell.
“Potatoes au gratin because my fridge didn’t have much else.” I needed to do some grocery shopping, but besides buying formula, I hadn’t been in the mood.
“Well, better than nothing, I guess.” She grinned, then exhaled deeply.
We were finally back on safer ground. I sure as hell hoped I’d never have to face another of her breakdowns because next time, someone was going to get hurt. I was sure Sarah wouldn’t appreciate having to tear me off some stupid suburban mom just because she hadn’t been able to keep her opinionated mouth shut.
KATIE
Hayden was quiet all morning, his expression somber. I was embarrassed by what had happened the night before. I had no idea why I had a breakdown, but I felt much better, fresher. I’d been sure we’d made progress on all other fronts, too, but it seemed we were right back to square one this morning.
Hayden wasn’t stiff, dismissive, or anything else he’d been when I was around him the last week. Instead, he was lost in thought.
We’d just put Cory down for a nap. I stood in the corner, leaning against the counter and watching Hayden wash dishes. I had no idea why he felt the need to do it by hand because he had a dishwasher, but I definitely wasn’t going to ask. Especially not when we had other things to talk about.
“Are you going to tell me what’s on your mind, Hay?”
Actually, I wouldn’t even mind if he told me something completely off-topic from what was going on, as long as he talked to me.
“Dealing with your tears last night…” He shook his head. “I almost couldn’t handle it,” he confessed quietly.
My heart broke. I thought he’d done well, holding and reassuring me. I hadn’t realized it had been so painful to him.
“I…” Jesus, what could I possibly say?
He grabbed the dish towel and dried his hands, then stepped up to me. “I wanted to kill someone, Katie. I was ready to storm out the door and find whomever upset you. Seeing you so hurt…” He closed his eyes and lowered his forehead to mine. “After Leah’s death, I didn’t think my heart could ache so much for someone else again, but seeing you so inconsolable nearly took my breath away.”
I had nothing, absolutely nothing to say to his declaration because it caused my heart to thud in my chest, demanding so much more than I was sure he would ever offer.
“You’re not mad I broke down?” I hadn’t even realized I’d worried about that until I’d voiced it.
He cupped my cheeks, tilting my head up. “Mad? For tears? Not at all. I’m relieved you didn’t go home to be alone. I’m glad you were here so I could help, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t get me thinking.” He dropped his hands from my face and stepped back.
“Thinking?” Why in the world did that sound so daunting, as if this were something bad?
“Yes.” He returned to his dishes, giving me a small smile.
“Okay… What did it get you thinking about?”
Another smile was his only answer. He appeared calmer than he had in days, which worried me.
“Hayden,” I whispered as he drained the sink, cleaned it, then wiped his hands on his sweatpants.
He walked up and drew me close. “Right here.”
This isn’t the kind of hug friends share, I thought. This is so much more.
I hugged him back, my heart racing in my throat. What in the world was going on?
“Losing Leah has been horrible. I feel like I’ve been torn in two. I loved her like I’d love a sister, but I cannot imagine what it would be like to lose someone I love. In fact, it made me realize I don’t know if I’ve ever loved someone in that romantic way.” He paused, then stepped back to look at me. “Seeing you hurt like that, Katie… I’ve never felt so protective, so furious…and I actually beat up people for Leah. Once an ex. Once a douche who thought he could grab her ass.”
“So you were protective of her.”
I nodded. “But not like I am with you. I don’t love you, not yet, but having you around, knowing you’ll be there… It soothes my soul…and terrifies me at the same time. I don’t think I could handle another loss.”
I swallowed hard, not sure what he was getting at. This sounded like something between a beginning and an end.
“You’re afraid of loving someone else?”
He watched me a long moment, then leaned in, kissing me in a way that made me melt right where I stood. “I’m afraid of letting someone else go.”
Turning away, he walked out of the kitchen. I had no idea what to think, to feel, but one thing rang out loud and clear. Amidst all this chaos, I was starting to fall hard for a man who was utterly broken, an enigma, clearly on his way to either salvation or utter self-destruction.
Sadly, I couldn’t tell which one it would be just yet.
KATIE
The last five days, Hayden seemed more intense, his mood somber, and I wondered what in the world he was cooking up. The worse it became, the less certain I got about asking. I worried about his answer.
Admittedly, I thought he was suicidal, and I knew not asking was taking the easy way out. I watched him closely, though. Whenever I wasn’t working, I was with Hayden and Cory, enjoying the solitude and peace that little haven offered me.
The house was clean, Hayden was working, and between Sarah, him, and me, we’d somehow managed to find a routine to keep Cory with us so Hayden didn’t have to take him to work.
He usually cooked, but if he didn’t, I did. I actually enjoyed buying groceries, planning meals, feeling as if I had a purpose.
We were just like a little family. The only thing missing was us doing the deed. He hadn’t made a move on me, and I didn’t want to because he needed to be ready for a relationship.
However, as calm as the last several days had been, they also put me on edge.
“So, what are you doing this weekend, Katie?”
Sarah came strolling up to the nurses station. She was in uniform, letting me know she was on duty.
“Accident or fight?”
She shrugged. “Fight. Needs stitches before I can take him back to the station. So… Weekend? Playing family again?”
Ever since this whole thing with Hayden and Cory had started, we’d gotten close, and as much as I appreciated having a friend, I also sometimes missed not having to justify my decisions to anybody.
“I’m just helping him, Sarah.”
She smirked. “You’re just falling in love with him a little more every day. Do you realize he’s, like…different?”
Before she got involved with Knox, Sarah and Hayden had met a few times before…when he’d been drunk at a bar and someone had called Sarah to escort him home. Maybe he missed having bar nights, missed being his own person.
Hell, there were too many things he could possibly miss.
“He lost his best friend,” I stated. “Of course he’s different. What did you expect?”
Her brows rose until they nearly vanished into her hairline. “You’re in denial. You have to have seen he’s changed during the last few days. What happened?” She gasped. “Did you two…?”
I blushed. I couldn’t believe she’d implied that. “No. Jesus, woman.” I glanced around, making sure no one was listening.
“What’s with the blush then?”
I lowered my voice. “I want to, okay? Desperately, but I just don’t think I should until he makes the first move. Plus, how do I know he wouldn’t only sleep with me because he needs someone to make him feel less lonely?”
Sarah shrugged. “Because he wanted you before and wasn’t man enough to ask you out. This is, like, perfect.” She frowned. “Besides Leah dying, that is. You two were meant to be together, and this just proves it. I’ve seen you two. You work seamlessly with Cory…and together. I mean… You know what I mean.”
I did, or maybe I didn’t. We didn’t fight anymore, and whenever we did something, we worked together as if we’d never done anything else.
