by David Sheff
I am no longer preoccupied with Nic. This could change, but at the moment I accept and even appreciate that he is living his life his way. Of course I will always hope that he stays sober. I hope that our relationship continues to heal, knowing that this can happen only if and while he's sober.
Where has my worry gone? I have a mental image of it. The artist Chuck Close once said, "I get overwhelmed by the whole." He learned to break down images into a grid of small, manageable squares. Painting one square at a time, he creates mesmerizing wall-sized portraits. I was often overwhelmed by the whole, too, but I learned to contain my worry about Nic in a square or two of the grid that would be there if Close were to paint my life. I check into them once in a while. When I do, I feel an entire range of emotions, but they don't overwhelm me.
Sometimes I still freak myself out about the future, but far less than I used to. I'm better about taking it one day at a time. It may sound simplistic, but it's as profound as any concept I know. I can still worry what will happen to Nic in five years, in ten—to Jasper and Daisy, for that matter—but then I return to today.
Today.
***
It is June. Daisy's birthday. She is ten today. Ten! It's also step-up day—Daisy stepping up to fifth grade, Jasper to seventh.
Their graduation song this year is "I Believe in Love," with verses written by the children with the help of their teachers. The World Beat Band plays. "Fourth grade was the door," sings Daisy and her friends, "and knowledge was the key. The fiesta was fantastica. We sang in harmony. Gold country and Ohlone Days kept us in the groove. Fourth grade time is over; we're fifth graders on the move. I believe in music. I believe in love..."
Jasper's grade stands and the children sing their verse: "Sixth grade was heck-a-gnarly, the Angel Island trip kind of scarred me. Ancient Egypt, China, and Greek philosophies. And nothing really rhymes with Mesopotamia. I believe in music. I believe in love..."
In the evening, our weekly dinner at Nancy and Don's is devoted to celebrating the kids' graduation, Nancy's and Daisy's birthdays, and my anniversary. It has been exactly a year since my brain hemorrhage.
The kids are at the kitchen table playing Chinese checkers with Nancy, who is losing and not taking it well. "That's not fair," she huffs when Jasper wins.
Jasper, Daisy, and their cousin drag out an old piano dolly tied to a long rope. They take turns pulling one another on it, almost as if they're water-skiing. The rider goes careening around the living room. In the kitchen, Nancy tosses a handful of chopped shallots into a skillet of melted butter. When they're crispy and brown, she adds red wine vinegar. After stirring it, she leaves the sauce to simmer on the range and goes onto the deck. Looking up into the trees, she makes a funny birdcall. Crows and jays come down for crackers.
Don climbs up the path from the garden, where he has been watering. He wears a pocket radio with earphones. The kids charge into the kitchen, trailed by the pack of barking dogs, including Brutus, who makes his slow way behind the others. Nancy made a leg of lamb with the vinegar-and-shallot sauce, and white beans with kale, fresh thyme, and garlic. Karen's brother carves. For dessert, her sister made a lemony cake with pale pink and blue icing and tiny monkeys, elephants, and bears with candles in them. We sing happy birthday to Daisy and Nancy, who blow out the candles. Af terward, Jasper, sitting next to me at the table, says, "I can't believe it's summer."
Summer. Surfing in Santa Cruz. We are here with our dear friends on a quiet day at the hook at Pleasure Point. The waves are small, so most of the hardcore locals have stayed home. But the silky, gently peeling sets are perfect for the children. The water is clear and warm. Sitting on my board, awaiting the next set, I take a moment to survey the grid inside my head until I reach the squares in which Nic resides. He and I spent so much time here together.
On the drive home up the coast, Jasper chooses a CD. Like his older brother when he was younger, Jasper's favorite musician of the moment is Beck, and he hands me Midnite Vultures to slide into the player. The car is sandy and we are all sandy and salty and the sea air rushes in the open windows and Beck is singing—Jasper and I along with him. Daisy complains, telling us to turn it down. I look out at the blue ocean, feel Nic so strongly.
At home, Jasper is sitting on the deck with Daisy, consoling her. She is upset because she watched a video about global warming. "I feel like I'm standing against a wall and a giant monster is coming slowly toward me and I want to stop it but I can't," she says. She's actually teary. "I want to fly up there and sew a patch on the ozone layer." If that wasn't enough, she also overheard that Pluto is no longer considered a planet. "The poor little nugget," she says, wiping a tear. But soon she pushes aside her sadness about Earth and Pluto, and Jasper is directing her and himself in a play they wrote called Queen Mean.
I am in my office writing when an email arrives from Nic's girlfriend. She has attached some photos from their recent road trip. Nic, his hair longer, wears big sunglasses, a newsboy cap, a black T-shirt, and bell-bottoms. He stands by a river. He's in front of a geyser at Yellowstone National Park. He smiles—a joyful smile.
In the morning, the garden is swathed in lacy fog. Karen got up early to drive Daisy to swim-team practice. Jasper is upstairs noodling on the guitar. I call Nic to say hi. We talk awhile. He sounds—he sounds like Nic, my son, back. What's next? We'll see. Before hanging up, he says, "Give Karen, Jas, and Daisy my love." Then he says he has to go.
* * *
Acknowledgments
With great respect, I would like to thank Steve Shoptaw, Edythe London, Walter Ling, and especially Richard Rawson, all at the Integrated Substance Abuse Programs at the University of California, Los Angeles, for helping me to understand addiction. I also would like to thank the people who vetted sections of the book and offered their corrections and suggestions. Along with Drs. Rawson, Shoptaw, and London, they include Dr. Judith Wallerstein and Gayathri J. Dowling, Ph.D., Deputy Chief, Science Policy Branch Office of Science Policy and Communications, National Institute on Drug Abuse.
This book grew out of an article that appeared in the New York Times Magazine. I cannot adequately express my thanks and deep respect to my editors there. They guided me with immaculate skill and flawless consciences. They are Katherine Bouton, Gerry Marzorati, and, in particular, Vera Titunik.
It is even more difficult to fully express my gratitude when I get to Eamon Dolan, the editor of this book. It is impossible to overstate his contribution. At every stage, I was inspired by, and learned from, his wisdom, intelligence, and elegant editing. I am also grateful to Janet Silver for her sensitivity, kindness, and devotion to Beautiful Boy. Reem Abu-Libdeh and Larry Cooper contributed their skillful and artful copy-editing. Michaela Sullivan and Melissa Lotfy created, respectively, the jacket and book design. I would also like to thank Bridget Marmion, Lori Glazer, Megan Wilson, Carla Gray, Lois Wasoff, David Falk, Sasheem Silkiss-Hero, Chester Chomka, Sanj Kharbanda, Elizabeth Lee, and Debbie Engel in the United States, and Suzanne Baboneau, Ian Chapman, Rory Scarfe, Emma Harrow, and Jeremy Butcher in the United Kingdom. Binky Urban, my agent, lived through much of this story, provided unwavering support, and helped me navigate minefields. Also at ICM, thanks to Ron Bernstein, Jacqueline Shock, Liz Farrell, Karolina Sutton, Molly Atlas, and Alison Schwartz. Special thanks to Jasper Sheff for his suggestions and corrections.
Throughout the past few years I have been awed by the brave and dedicated people who work to help addicts and their families. My family was counseled, guided, and supported by David Frankel, Rick Raw-son, Paul Ehrlich, Jace Horwitz at Herbert House Sober Living Environment, and humble saints who prefer to be mentioned only by their first names, Randy and Ted. I reserve special, and boundless, gratitude for Mary Margaret McClure, Don Alexander, and our children's remarkable teachers.
Finally, I would like to thank the wondrous communities of Point Reyes Station and Inverness, and of course my dear family and friends. If they got sick of our endless crises, and how cou
ld they not have—I did—they never once showed it. Thank you Sarah, Mike, Ginny, Annie, Peggy, cowgirls Sue and Nan, Armistead, Christopher, Lee, Steve R., Heidi, Bo, Jenny, Jim, Mike M., Marshall, Jennifer, Suning, Ginee, Fred, Jessica, Peter, Ilie, Jeremiah, Taylor, Vicki, Susan, Buddy, Debra, Mark, Jenny, Becca, Bear, Susan, Lucy, Steve, Mark, Nancy, Don, Sumner, and Joan—and Jamie, Kyle, Dylan, and Lena. On one of the worst days, I checked my voicemail and Jamie had called from New York. "I want to fly home and build a retaining wall around you," he said. You and Kyle did (and do). And with my boundless love, thank you (again) Daisy, Jasper, Nic, and Karen.
* * *
Resources
For further reading and help. This is by no means an exhaustive list, but the following books, articles, and Web sites may be useful.
Addiction. HBO Series. Produced by John Hoffman and Susan Froemke. DVD available. www.hbo.com. Home Box Office, 2007.
Al-Anon and Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters. The Al-Anon Family Groups—Classic Edition. Virginia Beach, VA: Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., 2000.
Al-Anon and Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters. Alateen—Hope for Children of Alcoholics. Virginia Beach, VA: Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., 1973.
Al-Anon and Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters. Courage to Change: One Day at a Time in Al-Anon II. Virginia Beach, VA: Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., 1968, 1972, 1973.
Al-Anon and Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters. One Day at a Time in Al-Anon. Virginia Beach, VA: Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., 1968, 1972, 1973.
Al-Anon and Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters. Paths to Recovery—Al-Anon's Steps, Traditions, and Concepts. Virginia Beach, VA: Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., 1997.
Black, Claudia, Ph.D. Straight Talk from Claudia Black: What Recovering Parents Should Tell Their Kids About Drugs and Alcohol. City Center, MN: Hazelden Publishing, 2003.
Brown, Stephanie, Ph.D., Virginia M. Lewis, Ph.D, with Andrew Liotta. The Family Recovery Guide: A Map for Healthy Growth. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2000.
Cheever, Susan. My Name Is Bill: Bill Wilson—His Life and the Creation of Alcoholics Anonymous. New York: Washington Square Press, 2005.
——. Note Found in a Bottle. New York: Washington Square Press, 2006.
Conyers, Beverly. Addict in the Family: Stories of Loss, Hope, and Recovery. Center City, MN: Hazelden Publishing and Educational Services, 2003.
Didion, Joan. The Year of Magical Thinking. New York: Knopf, 2005.
Hoffman, John, and Susan Froemke, eds. HBO's Addiction: Why Can't They Just Stop? New York: Rodale Press, 2007.
Johnson, Vernon. Intervention: How to Help Someone Who Doesn't Want to Be Helped. Center City, MN: Hazelden Publishing, 1986.
Kellermann, Joseph L. A Guide for the Family of the Alcoholic. Center City, MN: Hazelden Publishing and Educational Services, 1996.
Ketcham, Katherine, and William F. Asbury, with Mel Schulstad and Arthur P. Ciaramicoli. Beyond the Influence: Understanding and Defeating Alcoholism. New York: Bantam Books, 2000.
Lamott, Anne. Bird by Bird: Some Thoughts on Writing and Life. New York: Anchor, 1995.
——. Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith. New York: Riverhead Trade, 2006.
——. Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith. New York: Anchor, 2000.
Lynch, Thomas. "The Way We Are," from Bodies in Motion and at Rest: On Metaphor and Mortality. New York: W. W. Norton and Co., 2001.
"The Meth Epidemic." Frontline. DVD. PBS, 2005.
Milan, James Robert, and Katherine Ketcham. Under the Influence: A Guide to the Myths and Realities of Alcoholism. New York: Bantam Books, 1983.
Mnookin, Seth. "Harvard and Heroin." Salon.com, Aug. 27, 1999.
——. "The End of My World As I Knew It." Slate.com, Dec. 31, 2004. Mnookin, Wendy. "My Son the Heroin Addict." Salon.com, Aug. 27, 1999.
Moyers on Addiction: Close to Home. Directed by Bill Moyers. VHS. Curriculum Media Group, 1998.
Moyers, William C., and Katherine Ketcham. Broken: My Story of Addiction and Redemption. New York: Viking, 2006.
Orenstein, Peggy. "Staying Clean." New York Times Magazine, February 10, 2002.
Recovery of Chemical Dependent Families (booklet). Center City, MN: Hazelden / Johnson Institute, 1987.
Schwebel, Robert. Saying No Is Not Enough: Helping Your Kids Make Wise Decisions About Alcohol, Tobacco, and Other Drugs. New York: Newmarket Press, 1989.
Shannonhouse, Rebecca. Under the Influence: The Literature of Addiction. New York: Modern Library, 2003.
Sheff, Nic. Tweak. New York: Ginee Seo Books/Atheneum, 2007.
Singer, Mark. "The Misfit: How David Milch Got from NYPD Blue to Deadwood by Way of an Epistle of St. Paul." The New Yorker, February 14 and 25, 2005.
Wallerstein, Judith S., and Sandra Blakeslee. What About the Kids: Raising Your Children Before, During, and After Divorce. New York: Hyperion, 2003.
Wallerstein, Judith S., Julia M. Lewis, and Sandra Blakeslee. The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: The 25-Year Landmark Study. New York: Hyperion, 2000.
Web sites for more information and referrals, including twelve-step meetings in your area
Al-Anon/Alateen
http://www.al-anon.org
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html
Nar-Anon
http://nar-anon.org/index.html
Alcoholics Anonymous
http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org
Narcotics Anonymous
http://na.org
Partnership for a Drug-Free America
http://www.drugfree.org
Drugfree.org; methamphetamine information and resource center
http://www.drugfree.org/Portal/DrugIssue/MethResources/ default.html
KCI, the Anti-Meth Site
http://www.kci.org
UCLA Integrated Substance Abuse Programs
http://www.uclaisap.org
Hazelden
http://www.hazelden.org
National Association for Children of Alcoholics (NACoA)
http://www.nacoa.net
American Society of Addiction Medicine
http://www.asam.org
National Institute on Drug Abuse
http://www.nida.nih.gov
National Institute on Drug Abuse; information and resources related to methamphetamine
http://www.nida.nih.gov/DrugPages/Methamphetamine.html
National Institute on Drug Abuse for Teens
http://teens.drugabuse.gov
* * *
Credits
The author wishes to express his thanks to the artists and license holders of the following song lyrics, movie scripts, books, and poems for their permission to use their copyrighted work in this book. All rights are reserved by the copyright owners to the following:
Excerpts from "God," "Beautiful Boy (Darling Boy)," and "Nobody Told Me," written by John Lennon, copyright © 1970, 1980, and 1980, Lenono Music. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Special thanks to Yoko Ono.
Excerpt from "It's All Right Ma (I'm Only Bleeding"), written by Bob Dylan, copyright © 1965 by Warner Bros., Inc. Copyright renewed 1993 by Special Rider Music. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Reprinted by permission.
Excerpt from "A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall," written by Bob Dylan, copyright © 1963 by Warner Bros., Inc. Copyright renewed 1991 by Special Rider Music. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Reprinted by permission.
Excerpt from "Reason To Believe" by Bruce Springsteen, copyright © 1982 Bruce Springsteen (ASCAP). Reprinted by permission. International copyright secured. All rights reserved. For help with these rights, thank you to Marilyn Laverty at Shoreline and Glen Brunman at Sony BGM.
Excerpt from "Shine a Light," written by Mick Jagger & Keith Richards, published by ABKCO Music, Inc., © 1972 ABKCO Music, Inc., www.abkco.com.
Excerpt from "Tears in Heaven," words and music by Eric Clapton and Will Jennings. Copyright © 1992
by E. C. Music Ltd. and Blue Sky Rider Songs. All rights for E. C. Music Ltd. administered by Unichappel Music Inc. All rights for Blue Sky Rider Songs administered by Irving Music, Inc. International copyright secured. All rights reserved.
Excerpt from "These Days," words and music by Jackson Browne. Copyright © 1967 (renewed) Open Window Music. All rights administered by Wixen Music Publishing, Inc. All rights reserved. Used by permission of the publisher and Alfred Publishing Co., Inc.
Excerpt from "In the Neighborhood," written by Tom Waits and Kathleen Brennan, copyright © 1983 Jalma Music (ASCAP). All rights reserved. Used by permission.
Excerpt from "Smells Like Teen Spirit," words and music by Kurt Cobain, Krist Novoselic, and Dave Grohl. Copyright © 1991 EMI Virgin Songs, Inc., The End of Music, MJ Twelve Music, and Murky Slough Music. All rights for The End of Music and Murky Slough Music controlled and administered by EMI Virgin Songs, Inc. All rights for MJ Twelve Music controlled and administered by Songs of Universal, Inc. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.
Excerpt from "Territorial Pissings," words and music by Kurt Cobain and Chet Powers. Copyright © 1991 EMI Virgin Songs, Inc. and The End of Music. All rights controlled and administered by EMI Virgin Songs, Inc. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.
Excerpt from "Dumb," words and music by Kurt Cobain. Copyright © 1993 EMI Virgin Songs, Inc. and The End of Music. All rights controlled and administered by EMI Virgin Songs, Inc. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission. Special thanks to Peter Asher for the permission to use Nirvana's lyrics.
