Staci placed her arms on the table and interlocked her hands. “Shay, I have something I want to share with you. I should have told you this earlier, but I didn’t have the courage. What I’m about to tell you, I have only told to one other person. That person is my mother and I didn’t tell her until long after it happened.”
“I’m listening.” Shay’s voice was so soft, Staci wasn’t sure if she had heard her.
“I understand why you ran off to Harvard after you and Brian had been intimate and I understand why you now feel you can’t trust him.”
Staci expected Shay to interrupt, but she didn’t. Staci took another deep breath and continued. “Before Derrick and I broke up last year, we had been intimate also. After the first time, I felt so guilty that I vowed never to do it again, but I couldn’t stop myself. I loved Derrick and still do. Having sex with him felt so wonderful, but it destroyed my spirit. Not only that, I lost confidence in myself to make sound decisions. I lost trust in myself and because of that I couldn’t trust anyone else, not even Derrick. The worst part being that I thought God wouldn’t forgive me.”
Shay’s eyes instantly began to water. Staci was speaking what she had been feeling for over a year. “How did you handle it?”
Staci took a sip of water and swallowed hard. “Shay, that’s my point. I didn’t handle it. I made a complete mess of the situation and lost Derrick in the process.”
“What happened?”
Staci’s eyes misted. “I got pregnant.”
Shay’s eyes bulged, but Staci continued talking. “When I found out I was pregnant, I was so ashamed and angry. I was ashamed because the evidence of my hidden sin was about to be thrust into full view. I was angry with myself because I wasn’t able to control my reckless behavior. I felt the pregnancy was God’s way of punishing me for repeatedly having sex with Derrick and breaking my vow to Him.”
“There were so many emotions I felt like I was being tossed in every direction. Anger, guilt, shame and resentment controlled me. Unfortunately, I allowed those emotions to cloud my sound judgment.” Staci wiped her cheeks before continuing. “Shay, I made the biggest mistake of my life. I had an abortion.” Staci’s voice quivered. “I didn’t even tell Derrick about it until after the procedure.”
“Derrick didn’t know about the baby?” Shay questioned.
“Oh no, he knew about the baby, but he didn’t know about the abortion. In fact, he was excited about the baby. He said he wanted to get married right away, but because I didn’t trust myself, I couldn’t trust him. Oh, I believed he loved me, but in my eyes, he broke the commitment he made to God by sleeping with me. If he could do that, there was nothing to prevent him from breaking a promise to me.”
“When I told him about the abortion, he was devastated. That’s why we broke up. He couldn’t get over the fact that I ended the life of our child.” Staci paused and cried softly. “He was willing to do whatever he had to in order to support me and his child, but I couldn’t trust him. I didn’t understand that he was carrying just as much guilt as me.”
“Shay, the reason I couldn’t trust him was because I hadn’t forgiven myself for yielding to temptation. God had forgiven me, but I didn’t receive God’s forgiveness. I avoided God as if I could really hide from Him. The few times I did communicate with the Lord, I treated Him as if He were a stranger, instead of the loving father that He is. It was only after I was able to accept God’s forgiveness and forgive myself that I was able to heal. I am healed now, but I lost Derrick and I ended the life of my unborn child before I was able to let go of the shame and guilt.”
Shay looked as if she would keel over any moment, so Staci moved closer to her.
“Shay, as soon as you forgive yourself and get back into real fellowship with God, you’ll see things differently. You’ll understand that God is loving and merciful. He doesn’t hold our mistakes over our heads like we do one another. He loves us no matter what. Shay, God loved you before you got into Brian’s bed. While you were enjoying the way Brian made you feel, God still loved you. And after you finished, God still loved you. He didn’t like what you did, but that didn’t change His love for you. Now, He’s just waiting for you to bring Him your guilt and shame. He can handle it, but you can’t.”
Staci watched as tears flowed down Shay’s face. “And do you know what?”
Shay couldn’t speak so she just shook her head from side to side.
“God knew I was going to mess up before I did. He knew I wasn’t as strong as I had professed to be. He knew that when the moment presented itself, I would yield. Even knowing that, God didn’t give up on me. When I messed up, He didn’t give up on me. He just waited for me to ask for forgiveness and to realize how much I really need Him.”
Shay couldn’t take any more; she leaned on Staci’s shoulder and cried hard sobs. Staci had managed to speak everything Shay had been holding inside of her for the past year. She had been using the episode with Brian and Shannon to cover up her inner struggles. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust Brian, she didn’t trust herself. Deep down, she felt she deserved to have Brian cheat on her since she had cheated on God. But Brian didn’t cheat on her; in her heart she knew that. Even if he had, she loved him enough to forgive him. Brian loved her. He proved that to her every day, even though she wouldn’t speak to him or acknowledge his presence.
Shay finished crying then made the most important decision in her life. She was going back to her first love: God—wholeheartedly. This time it would be different. She would open up to Him completely. She’d been praying and reading her Bible, but she wasn’t completely in fellowship with Him. To be honest, she’d been afraid to walk in true fellowship with Him since the night she gave her virtue away. Shay had been walking on eggshells, expecting His wrath to fall. Things will be different now. She was different.
Back at the garage, before Staci got out of the car, Shay gave her one of those, girl-you-know-you-just-saved-my-life hugs.
“I love you, cuz,” they almost said in unison.
“Do you think you and Derrick will get back together?”
“I don’t know,” Staci answered sullenly. “We haven’t talked in a while.”
“You know, every gone is not good-bye.” Shay smiled.
Staci narrowed her eyes. “You remember that when it comes to Brian.”
Chapter 57
Shay was dressed and ready for church before both Reggie and her mother. She decided to wear one of the new suits she had purchased the day before since she was starting a new life. After lightly applying her makeup and inserting a pair of small silver hoop earrings, she clasped the silver heart around her wrist without a second thought.
Like clockwork, her cell phone sounded at eight o’clock sharp. Today, she smiled when she heard Brian’s ringtone, but she didn’t answer the phone. She had more important business to take care of first.
“There’s no need for us to take two cars. Why don’t you ride with us?” Reggie suggested as the family prepared to leave for church.
To Reggie and Julia’s surprise, Shay quickly agreed and climbed into the backseat of Reggie’s Mercedes. Shay hummed all the way to church.
Reggie and Julia exchanged hopeful glances, but neither commented.
This Sunday morning Shay walked straight to the front center row where she belonged. As the Praise and Worship ministry went forth, Shay stood with her hands raised and her eyes closed. The congregation went forth in song, but Shay held a private talk with Jesus. As the tears began to flow, she got down on her knees with her hands still raised. It didn’t matter to her that she was a member of the leading family or that she was in the front where everyone could see her. She was completely unashamed in her worship.
Shay felt God’s presence deep down in her being. She felt God’s love fill her heart with peace like she’d never known. God’s presence overwhelmed her to the point all she could do was lie there and allow Him to heal her in every place she hurt.
When Shay was fina
lly able to stand and walk back to her seat, she felt an abundance of joy. She sat on her front row seat smiling and laughing for reasons unbeknownst to everyone, but her. It was like her and God were sharing an inside joke.
The choir finished singing “I’m Healed” and Shay did something she had never done before. She danced in the spirit.
Shay practically ran onto the dais after the benediction and nearly knocked Reggie off balance when she hugged him and kissed his cheek.
“Thanks, Dad, for everything. I enjoyed the message so much, I took two pages of notes.”
“Wow, I’m glad to see you’re excited again,” Reggie responded, displaying his left dimple.
Shay then embraced her mother so tightly that Julia was winded. “I love you, Mama,” she whispered in Julia’s ear. “Did I look like my daddy today, while I was dancing and praising?”
“No, baby, that was all my genes.”
Shay would have held onto her longer, but Josiah pulled her skirt. “What about me?” He held his little arms out to her.
She laughed at her little brother. “I can never forget about you.” She squatted and gave him a bear hug.
“Where’s Brian?” Shay asked as her eyes scanned the crowded sanctuary.
“Check in my office,” Reggie suggested and continued greeting his congregants, but Shay read his optimism about them reconciling.
Brian was just about to put on his suit jacket when Shay walked into Reggie’s office. A smile instantly creased his face and he laid his jacket across a chair.
She matched his smile with one of her own as she walked over to him. When she was directly in front of him and about two feet separated them, he reached his arms out to embrace her, but she prevented him and caught his hands in hers.
She looked deep into his eyes and spoke sincerely. “Brian, I am so sorry for not trusting you. Please forgive me. I love you.”
He responded by wrapping his arms around her and pressing her close to him. She laid her head against his chest and listened to his heartbeat. She began to cry when she felt his tears graze her forehead and slide down her face.
“My Shay, I love you so much,” he said repeatedly as he held her and stroked her hair.
Reggie stepped into his office then quietly retreated when he saw the two of them.
***
Brian and Shay walked through the church’s parking lot hand in hand. Neither of them could stop smiling.
“Brian, Shay, can I speak to you for a moment?”
They turned around to find a young lady of dark complexion, about five-foot-two-inches tall and very petite. Her eyes were dark brown and she wore her black hair in a short sassy flip cut. Her modest makeup complimented her natural features well. She was conservatively dressed in a dark-gray pantsuit.
“Please, it’ll only take a minute,” the young lady pressed.
Both Brian and Shay looked at each other with puzzled expressions.
“I’m sorry, Miss, but you must have us mixed up with someone else,” Brian said and turned to walk away, but Shay kept her eyes on the young lady. She knew her from somewhere.
“Brian, it’s me, Shannon.”
Brian turned around and looked at her with amazement. “Shannon? That’s you?”
“I knew you looked familiar!” Shay exclaimed.
Shannon lowered her head. “Yes, it’s me. This is the real me without the makeup, tracks, long decorative nails and colored contacts.”
“You look nice,” Shay said sincerely.
Shannon fidgeted, like she felt uncomfortable when the two kept gawking at her. “Look, guys, I wanted to apologize to the both of you for-um-my-um-I want to apologize for all of the problems I caused between the two of you. Shay, nothing happened between Brian and me. He really loves you and I hope things work out for you guys.”
Brian was speechless.
“Thank you, Shannon,” Shay said. “I accept your apology. I know it took a lot for you to say that.”
Then as quickly as she appeared, Shannon disappeared.
“Talk about the difference between night and day,” Brian said, shaking his head as he continued toward his vehicle.
Brian closed his car door then gave Shay a soft gentle peck on her lips.
“Why did you do that?”
“It’s been three months, ten days and eighteen hours since I’ve been this close to you. I need a shot in the arm.” He smiled.
She tilted her head, and asked, “How are those night and weekend classes coming?” She then kissed him back.
Back at the house, Reggie was so happy to see Brian and Shay together again that he offered to do the Sunday dinner dishes. Brian and Shay took advantage of the free time and did something they should have done a long time ago. They talked—really talked.
As they walked around the lake behind the Blackhawk estate, they learned a lot about each other. They were surprised to learn that they both struggled with the same guilt-ridden feelings about their sexual impurity. They expressed their fears and their ambitions. She told him the things she liked about him and the things she felt he needed to work on. He did the same for her. At the top of his list was trust.
“Why didn’t you trust me?” Brian stopped walking and collected Shay’s hands in his. “Shay, you have been a constant fixture in my life since the day we met. You probably know me better than I know myself. You finish my sentences and speak my thoughts faster than I can voice them. We feel each other’s pain. True, I should have leveled with you about really being in love with you,” he pointed at her, “but you know me. Tell me you honestly didn’t know I have loved you from the beginning. Tell me you didn’t know it that first night we made love. Tell me you didn’t feel it.”
“I did feel it. Truth be told, I’ve always felt it,” Shay admitted, blinking back tears. “Haven’t you?”
Brian nodded. “Yes. Then why didn’t you trust me when I told you nothing happened with Shannon? I believed you when you said nothing happened with Jason. You were over two-thousand miles away from me and all I had was your word. That was enough for me.”
Shay used her hand, still encased by his, to wipe her cheek. “After committing fornication with you I didn’t trust myself anymore. We traveled into forbidden territory together. Something we both vowed to God we would never do. I didn’t trust my own judgment anymore. I couldn’t trust you.”
“I had the same struggle in the beginning, but my love for you never wavered. I do love you, Shay, and I would never purposefully hurt you. If I thought for a second that I desired another woman, I’d end our relationship before cheating on you.”
The pure love radiating from Brian burned Shay’s soul. It was at that moment she knew without a doubt, Brian would be hers forever. Resting her head against his chest and enjoying the feel of his immense arms enveloping her, Shay felt safe and secure. She felt blessed.
At the end of the three-mile walk, they had a clear understanding of each other’s feelings and expectations, something they never had before. They even set boundaries for themselves in regards to upholding biblical principles on premarital sex. They both agreed not to place themselves in situations that would leave them vulnerable to sexual sin again. Back at the house they continued talking in the den into the wee hours of the morning.
Julia came downstairs at six o’clock the next morning to find Shay stretched out on the couch asleep. Brian was asleep too, on the floor next to the couch. “Thank you, Jesus,” she whispered and placed covers over them and went into her study for her daily meditation time.
Chapter 58
Thanksgiving Day found the Pennington house packed to capacity. Four of Julia’s siblings and their families along with Reggie’s family, plus Tyrone and Nikki joined them for the holiday. Alysse had completed her chemotherapy treatments and was well enough to travel. So when Brian called, she went and bought a new wig and made arrangements to come.
Shay was surprised when Taylor and Staci showed up at the front door. She’d just spoken to them
the day before and neither of them mentioned coming over for dinner. Justin and Leah drove up from Los Angeles. She wondered why they didn’t just stop at their grandparents’ home in the San Fernando Valley, instead of driving four-hundred miles for a home-cooked meal. She wondered the same thing about her uncle Jonathan flying in from Arizona, but didn’t bother mentioning it. The Simones were known for traveling at the drop of a dime.
Shay and her family mingled to the sounds of Ben Tankard. Everyone acted a little strange, especially her mother and Alysse. They wouldn’t let her out of their sight and Reggie had a permanent smile on his face. Her aunts took turns asking what her plans were for the near future. Her uncle Carey, Marcus’s father, kept hugging her and telling her how she wasn’t his little Shay-Shay anymore. Auntie Nikki walked past her on several occasions and just shook her head, and said, “Girl, I remember the day you were born.”
She didn’t notice anything strange about Brian’s behavior though. Since their reconciliation three weeks ago, a permanent grin branded his face. She hadn’t seen much of him in the last two weeks because he was taking care of some business with his father, and of course there was school. She didn’t mind his absence because she was still actively searching for employment and because she was now secure in their relationship. Today, he spent most of his time yelling at the flat screen television over the football game with her male cousins.
Shortly before dinner was served the doorbell chimed.
“Happy Thanksgiving,” Shay said and invited Shannon in.
“Your mother invited me,” Shannon explained. “I hope you don’t mind me being here?”
Shay waved Shannon’s apprehension away. “Of course I don’t mind. I left all that mess in the past. Come on in, I’ll introduce you to everyone.” Shay went around the room and formally introduced Shannon to her family members she hadn’t met.
Brian spotted Shannon and Shay together. He hurriedly left his boys and joined Shay.
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