by Paula Stokes
“It’s enough for me.” He exhales. His breath is warm on my lips. I need desperately to close the gap between our mouths, to erase the cold space between our bodies.
But I can’t.
“No, it’s not. You want a relationship,” I say.
“What we have is already a relationship.” His nose grazes mine as he angles his head just slightly. “I know there’s no one else for you.”
He’s right. I love him. But when has love ever been enough? My lower lip trembles. “I’m not healthy. Even if we get out of this and go back to St. Louis, I’m not sure if I can do it.” Tears form on my eyelashes at this confession. I’ve known this—I’ve known this the entire time I’ve known Jesse, but I never admitted it so frankly. “You shouldn’t wait for me,” I continue. “Because what if I never get better?” The tears cut smooth pathways down my cheeks, colliding with Jesse’s hands.
His eyes flick open. He presses his thumbs to my eyelids, traces the tears all the way down to my jawline like he’s trying to erase them. “You don’t need to get better for me. I love you exactly the way you are. I want you to work on healing, for you. But the person you are right now is enough for me. More than enough.”
He’s said things like this in the past, but that was before he knew everything. That was before he saw Lily, before I killed a man and started plotting to kill another one. “You mean that, don’t you?” I ask softly.
“I mean that,” he says, looking into my eyes.
“Jesse.” I bury my face in his chest. “You’re doing that thing again.”
“What thing is that?”
“Making me smile when it seems like there’s nothing in the whole world to smile about.”
He lifts my chin and wipes the last remains of a tear from my face. His other hand strokes the back of my neck, fingertips lost in my hair. “Here’s something to smile about.”
Our lips touch, just barely. Heat races through my veins. I turn his head and kiss my way up his scar. Still soft. Still innocent. “If we start, I might not be able to stop,” I whisper.
“I can live with that.” He grins. “But seriously, there’s no rush here, okay? I just want to hold you and kiss you.” He repositions us so that I’m on top of him, and our bodies settle together like they were made to fit. I stare into the deep hazel wells of his eyes, letting go, letting myself fall.
And then, of course, someone knocks on the door.
CHAPTER 38
Jesse reluctantly rises from my bed and goes to the peephole. “It’s Baz.”
“Of course it is,” I mutter.
“Awkward.” Jesse smooths some wrinkles from his shirt. “You think if we ignore him he’ll go away?”
“I can hear you in there,” Baz says. “And I’m not going away.”
I snicker. Jesse undoes the dead bolt and opens the door.
Sebastian holds up two white plastic sacks. “I come bearing delicious takeout. I thought we could go over a few last-minute details while we have dinner together.” He smirks. “Like a family.”
“Most messed-up family ever,” Jesse mutters, rolling his eyes at me.
Baz slides out of his shoes as the door closes behind him. He scans our room. “Cozy.”
“I thought you were making bombs,” I say.
“Explosive charges, not bombs. And I am, but I’ve still got to eat.” He drops the sacks of food on the desk and shrugs out of his coat. “I can’t believe we’re finally going to do this. Feels good, doesn’t it? This is what we’ve worked for.”
“Actually I was feeling pretty go—”
I clear my throat meaningfully and Jesse falls quiet. “I feel like we’ve been here forever,” I tell Baz. “I’m ready for everything to be over with.” I’m also ready for you to tell me the truth.
The three of us are quiet as he unpacks the food he bought and arranges it on the desk. “Chap chae and galbi,” he says. Glass noodles and beef short ribs. Baz fixes himself a plate and sits at a little table in the corner.
Jesse and I make our own plates and sit on our separate beds. I try not to think about what it felt like to be pressed against him, to be ready to completely surrender. I can’t decide if I’m disappointed or relieved that Sebastian showed up. A little of both, perhaps.
“So.” Baz’s eyes flick from Jesse to me, a faint smile playing at his lips. “You two are awfully quiet. Did I interrupt something?”
“No,” I say, just as Jesse says, “Yes.”
Baz laughs. “I hope after tomorrow you guys figure out your shit. You’re both annoying as hell on your own, but together you’re kind of cute.” He pulls two ID cards from his pocket. “Here are your badges. I made them look like Cheonma Staffing badges, just in case one of us gets stopped by a security guard. But be warned, they won’t hold up to much scrutiny. Speaking of tomorrow, we need a contingency plan in case everything goes sideways.”
“Run like hell?” Jesse suggests.
“Always a good idea if shit hits the fan,” Baz says. “But I’m talking about after everything settles, just in case we get separated.”
“Why would we get separated?” I try to keep my voice level as I slide the badge into my purse.
“Well, we only have the motorcycle as a getaway vehicle, so we’ll have to split up temporarily. Plus, these things just happen sometimes,” he says. “There’s an unaccounted for variable in your plan and everyone has to scramble to survive. We need a time and a place to meet up. If we all don’t show, then we’ll know the missing people … got arrested.”
Or killed, I finish in my head.
“We’re all going to show,” Jesse says. “But what do you suggest?”
Baz pulls up a picture on his tablet. I see white sand and blue water, with mountains in the background.
Jesse squints. “What is that? Hawaii?”
“Jeju Island,” Baz says. “We can get there by a bus and a ferry. If we pay cash, we won’t leave a trail.”
“It’s similar to Hawaii,” I explain to Jesse. “Volcanoes, beaches, ocean, honeymooners. But not as tropical.” I turn to Baz. “Why would you want us to meet there?”
“If you have to ask, then you’ve never been there.”
I scoff. “No. I grew up in an orphanage, remember? Our excursions were a little more local.”
Baz scrolls through a few pictures on his tablet and stops on a beachfront resort. “This is the Sunrise Hotel. We’ll meet here on Friday if we should happen to get separated. Let’s agree to stay until Monday morning, just in case one of us should get detained. Jeju’s airport has less security than Incheon, so it’ll be easier to head back to the States.”
“We’ll still have to transfer through Incheon,” I say.
“Yes, but we’ll be on the other side of security.” Baz produces a pair of American passports from his back pocket. He hands one to Jesse and me. “I had these made for you two.”
“I’m more worried about getting into the US than getting out of Korea.” I turn the dark blue passport over in my hands. I hope it’s a good forgery.
“That’s because you haven’t committed any felonies yet, right?” Baz says. “If anything goes wrong at UsuMed, the whole country is going to be looking for us.”
It’s a fair point. We all fall silent at the thought of becoming fugitives, or worse. I flip open the passport and rub my thumb over the picture of me.
“I’ll handle things on the other end if any issues arise. I know people who can get us back into the States, no questions asked,” Baz says.
I nod as I slip the passport into my pocket.
Baz picks at his noodles for a few more minutes, dragging his fork through them and making patterns instead of actually eating them. Then he pushes back his chair and stands. “I have a few last-minute things I need to take care of.”
Jesse hops up from his bed. “Is it anything you need help with?”
“No. It’s personal stuff.” Baz slides back into his coat and shoes. “I’ll see you guys here tomorrow n
ight at eight p.m. sharp. We’ll go over the plan one last time.”
“Tell your mystery girl we said hi,” Jesse jokes.
Baz stops, turns back, looks at me. “You didn’t tell him.”
“It didn’t really seem like my story to tell.”
Jesse looks back and forth between Baz and me, surprised that we’ve been keeping something secret. “Tell me what?”
“Do you want me to tell him?” I ask.
“I don’t care. You can if you want.” Baz’s eyes meet mine for a second and then look toward Jesse. “It’s just interesting. You two are thick as thieves, and yet you protected my privacy.”
I shrug. “Some thieves are known for their discretion.”
Baz smiles slightly. “You’re all right, Winter Kim. You know that?”
“Thanks.” These words would mean more if I trusted him, if I weren’t so angry about him keeping Jun a secret. I keep hoping he’ll tell me everything, that he’ll have a valid reason for waiting so long.
“What am I missing?” Jesse asks.
Baz pauses inside the door, looks back at us. “You two should get some sleep tonight,” he says meaningfully. “Big day tomorrow.”
“What was all that about?” Jesse asks after the door closes behind Baz.
“His mystery girlfriend is Chung Hee.”
It takes a few seconds for this to sink in. “You mean the hacker? You mean Baz is … gay?”
“Bisexual, apparently.”
“Huh.” Jesse sits on the edge of his bed. “How old is Baz? Didn’t he say that hacker guy was barely out of college?”
“I think he’s in his midthirties? I guess he likes younger men.” I shrug. “I don’t judge. But I have a question for you. Do you trust him? Completely?”
“Why wouldn’t I?” Jesse asks.
“Because Gideon was his friend, but maybe we’re not. Do you ever think that maybe he came with us for some other reason, that he’s been lying or setting us up?”
“No,” Jesse says. “He wouldn’t do that.”
“Explain this, then.” I pull up the picture of Erich Cross on my tablet and turn it so Jesse can see. “Doesn’t this look like Baz?”
Jesse squints. “Possibly. Though I never would have thought so before I saw him grow a beard. Is there a better picture?”
“No. This is the only picture Interpol has of fugitive Erich Cross, wanted in connection with multiple thefts and a car bombing in Pakistan.”
“That does sound like Baz,” Jesse muses.
“Yeah. And this guy’s name was on a piece of paper in the pocket of Kyung’s suit.”
Jesse’s eyes widen as he realizes the implications, but he quickly recovers. “Oh, come on, Winter. There’s no way Baz is working with Kyung. He wouldn’t do that to Gideon.”
“Gideon’s dead,” I say sharply. “And Sebastian has always been rather practical, wouldn’t you say?”
“Still. If he were working against us, we’d both be arrested or dead by now too, wouldn’t we? Kyung might have written his name down because Baz has been using that alias here and someone tipped him off to our presence. Maybe that’s the name he flew under. Or that might not even be Baz,” Jesse finishes somewhat unconvincingly.
“Maybe,” I say slowly. “But he knows where my brother is. He’s even been having him watched. And he’s never bothered to let me in on this secret.”
Jesse rakes a hand through his hair. “Are you sure?”
“Fairly certain. I had an interesting conversation with one of my coworkers today. Apparently he’s been having me watched as well.” I give Jesse a sideways glance. “Did you know about that?”
“Uh, well, he might have mentioned he got another girl hired who could act as backup for you at UsuMed.”
“It turns out she’s the same girl who was following us that day at Namdaemun Market.”
Jesse coughs. “That I didn’t know. But come on. There’s no way Baz would hide the existence of your brother from you forever. I’m sure he’ll tell you once we’ve done what we came to do.”
“Maybe.” That does seem like something Baz would do. “So you absolutely trust him, even after what I just told you?”
“I do,” Jesse says. “Hurting you means hurting Gideon. And even though he’s dead, I still can’t believe Baz would betray him.”
I lie back on my bed and cover my face with my hands. “I don’t know what to think,” I say through my fingers. “Maybe I’m just paranoid.”
“Given everything you’ve been through, no one could blame you. I’m surprised you can trust anyone.”
“I trust you.” I roll onto my side so Jesse can see me. “But I want you to know you don’t have to go through with this. You don’t have to be a part of tomorrow night.”
“Yes, I do.”
“No, you don’t. My alter pulled you into this mess. I’m pulling you out, if you want. You had a life before you became a recorder and started working for Gideon. You have parents and cousins and people who love you. You can go back to them.”
“I don’t want to go back to them,” Jesse says. “I mean, I do, but right now I want to be here, halfway across the world with the girl I love, helping her seek vengeance against the man responsible for her sister’s death, helping her keep safe the only family she has left.”
“Jesse…” My shoulders slump forward. I want to tell him that I love him back, but it’s hard. It feels like a contract and contracts are things that should only be made by people who are sane. I don’t want to say those words and then take them back later. Jesse deserves better than that. “You know I care about you too, right?”
“I know.” His eyes brighten suddenly. “Hey, there’s something I want to show you.” He hops up from the bed, fishes around in his suitcase, and comes up with a headset and a ViSE.
“Seriously?” I ask. “You want to ViSE now?”
“It’s not a ViSE,” Jesse says. “Not really, anyway. It’s something I put together—some clips from my old recordings.”
Giving him a skeptical look, I take the headset and the memory card. I lie back on my bed again. Jesse turns off the lights and lies next to me. I close my eyes and press PLAY.
I see myself hanging on to a crag of rock at Yosemite’s Half Dome, my slender limbs stretched out in all directions, a look of complete concentration on my face.
“You got this.” I smile.
Jesse’s words feel strange coming from my lips. It’s odd to smile his smile. But I remember this moment. We spent three days at Yosemite with Gideon. This is during the first one. We were just practicing but we always wore the headsets in case we happened to capture something amazing. Jesse is a better rock climber than I am, so his main job was to be my second climber and support me. As the better climber, he would normally climb first, but Gideon wanted the ViSE to be from the lead climber’s point of view, so I was above him. It was such a hard day, but I loved the challenge of climbing. I felt so empowered when I finally got the hang of it.
The scene flips without warning, going from sunny and warm to snowy and cold. The jarring change in sensation makes my stomach twist a little.
“Whoa,” I say.
“Yeah. Sorry. Some of those transitions are a little rough.”
I see myself standing at the top of a small mountain, studying a red-and-black snowboard. Thick, fluffy snowflakes swirl through the air. I watch myself clip my boots to the board and look nervously down the hill.
“You’re going to rock this,” I say.
Jesse’s words again.
I marvel at how supportive Jesse is, how beautiful I am in his mind.
The next ten minutes are recordings of me learning to snowboard. I’m a better climber than snowboarder, so this ViSE took even more training. The only similarity between the two clips is the feeling welling inside the recorder. It’s hard to explain. Affection isn’t a sense and therefore can’t be conveyed directly in a ViSE, but somehow I feel it anyway. I feel it when I string together all the neu
ral sequences—the rapid heart rate, the rushes of heat, the smiling, the laughter.
The scene changes again, this time to Jesse and me walking across town. I remember this day too. It was Christmas Eve. He asked me to go sledding with him on the big hill in front of the art museum.
We’re strolling side by side down a snow-covered sidewalk in the Lofts. “Sledding? Like for a ViSE?” I hear myself ask.
“I mean, I guess—if you want to. I was just thinking about doing it for fun.”
My face lights up and for a second the way I’m smiling at Jesse makes me wonder if maybe I loved him even before he and Gideon staged Rose’s death. Maybe these new feelings have been present for weeks and I’m only just now beginning to recognize them, or accept them.
The ViSE skips forward to the two of us on Art Hill.
We’re both crouched at the top of the hill on slick fiberglass sleds. “On the count of three,” I say.
I see myself kneel down, my hands flat against the icy snow, ready to push off.
“One … two…” And then I’m moving. I’m laughing.
“Hey!” I hear myself call from the top of the hill. “You big cheater!”
I’m still laughing. My eyes water from the headwind. I wince as the sled hits a bump and goes airborne for a second before reconnecting with the hard ground. I bail off the sled at the end of the hill, just before I would’ve crashed into the bales of hay that are set up to keep sledders from ending up on the pond.
I pause the recording and open my eyes. “That day we went sledding was so fun,” I tell Jesse. “I had almost forgotten about it. I wish I had made a recording too.”
“It’s one of my favorite memories of us,” Jesse says. “You looked so happy—even though I beat you every time.”
“Because you cheated.” I poke him. “I’m still waiting for you to say ‘three.’”
I close my eyes and press PLAY again. The recording continues, all these little snippets of my life over the past few months—Jesse and I playing video games at Escape, Jesse watching Gideon and me spar on the roof, the three of us white-water rafting and cliff diving in Tennessee. Well, only Jesse and I jumped off the cliff. Gideon was afraid. I remember teasing him about how a guy afraid of heights could live on the top floor of a fifteen-story building. He always used to say he wasn’t afraid of heights, or even of falling. He was just afraid of landing. Experiencing these moments through Jesse’s body is a roller coaster of feelings and sensations.
