by Rhett DeVane
As far as daily facial maintenance, I tried my mother’s trick with a 3X-magnifying mirror. Good for the overall view, but mascara application was impossible. I appeared to have one giant eye in the middle of my forehead. I’d long given up the idea of eyebrow plucking. Now, I subjected myself to the grueling waxing torture where an esthetician yelled cowabunga! before she ripped the flesh and hair-imbedded wax strips from my face.
Around the same time, hormonal imbalance reared its ugly head. For a couple of years following my hysterectomy, I gloated over the fact that my ovaries were still producing the necessary chemical cocktail. Then, I began to have the hot flashes I’d kidded my mother about, and Evil Rita came out on a regular basis.
One day, I honestly wanted to get out and rip the off the lady’s head, in the car in front of mine at a stoplight. She was chatting on her cell phone and caused both of us to miss the brief left turn signal. I knew at that point I needed professional help. Within days of starting naturally-derived compounded hormone replacement therapy, I was my old loveable self. Most of the time.
A book I’d like to see on the shelf: From Babe to Bitch (or Gonna Take a Perimenopausal Journey).
Fortunately for both of us, Holston and I had crossed paths at a time I felt relatively balanced. Though life’s events were tumultuous the first time I met him at Joe and Evelyn’s, I was a rock inside. Crisis brought out the best in me.
Holston melded into my family as if he’d always been an integral part. Other than the fact he was a Damn Yankee, a trespass that Aunt Piddie graciously forgave him, his easy charm and sense of the absurd helped him hold his head above my family’s constantly churning waters. Eventually, Evelyn found a way to speak to him without tripping all over herself. My only grief was the knowledge that neither of my parents had the pleasure of knowing the man I treasured more than double chocolate cake…with almonds.
A heavenly blend of aromas wafted though the door as the family entered Holston’s newly remodeled kitchen.
“Come on in!” he called as he ushered Evelyn, Jake, Leigh, and me into the room. “Where’re the rest of the crew?”
Evelyn gestured over her shoulder. “Joe and Bobby are helping Mama negotiate the front steps. She can make it without the wheelchair, but she’s a little slow.”
“Guess I need to put in a ramp if I use this house for any commercial purposes,” Holston said. He wiped his hands on the dishtowel hanging over his shoulder. “Dinner’s ready as soon as the garlic rolls are warm. Please seat yourselves at the table. I’m sorry I don’t have any sitting room furniture yet.”
Jake pulled out a chair. “As soon as the painters finish the upstairs, I can bring the floor refinishing team in here. I’d hate to have workers traipsing in and out with their dirty shoes on my…umm…our newly varnished wood floor!”
Holston nodded. “Soon enough, soon enough. I’m just glad to finally be out of the hotel room. I’m also glad we decided to pay someone to complete the painting. My shoulders are still reminding me that I had no business doing the walls down here. This is a huge house!”
Jake clapped his hands together. “I can’t wait to start on the grounds! You should see the water garden Sheila at Native Nurseries has planned for the back yard.”
“You’re sure good at spendin’ Holston’s money, aren’t you?” Piddie called from the kitchen door. Flanked by Joe and Bobby, she inched her way to the large round oak table and plopped down. “Whew! I feel like I’ve run a mary-thon!”
Holston opened a bottle of Piesporter Michelsberg and poured a glass of the sweet white wine for everyone at the table. I helped him bring the platters and bowls from the stove. Other than an occasional Sunday morning brunch, this was the first time I’d tasted his cooking. Tonight, he had prepared turkey cutlets in a creamy picatta sauce with capers over linguine, glazed carrots, a mixed spring-greens salad with raspberry walnut vinaigrette dressing, and homemade Italian garlic knot rolls.
When we were all seated, Evelyn volunteered to say the blessing. Following family tradition, we held hands and bowed our heads. “Lord…we thank you for this gathering of family and friends…”
After a couple of minutes, Piddie grumbled. “Someone stop her, or the food’ll be stone cold.”
Evelyn gathered religious steam and droned on with another long litany of prayerful insights. Finally, she said “Amen.”
“Amen,” we echoed.
“Lordy-be, Evelyn! You sure can go on with a food blessin’! I bet the Good Lord sits Himself down when He hears you start up a’prayin’. ‘Well…it’s that woman again! I better take a load off ’cause it’s gonna be awhile!’”
Evelyn shot eye daggers across the table at her mama. “At least my blessing makes it past the ceiling.”
“Now, ladies,” Joe said in a soothing tone, “let’s just settle down now, and enjoy Holston’s hospitality.”
As soon as we got busy passing the plates, Evelyn and Piddie forgot to be mad at each other.
Piddie wiped a thick haze of sauce from her lips. “This turkey is so moist. Not like the Thanksgiving turkey Evelyn made a couple of years back.”
Evelyn shot her mother a warning glare. “Mama…”
Piddie laughed. “She decided to fry the turkey like she’d heard about from someone at the Cut ’n’ Curl. She went out and bought this contraption special for it. Well, when she was done, the white meat was so dry you could’ve used it for a hockey puck! Seems she heard the turkey was ’sposed to float to the top when it was done!” Piddie stopped to chuckle again. “I don’t know much about fryin’ a turkey myself, but I can honestly swear that nothin’ weighin’ in at twenty pounds is gonna float to the top of anything, ’less you throw it in the pool with a life preserver wrapped around it!”
Piddie howled with laughter until tears formed at the corners of her eyes. Everyone at the table, even Evelyn, got caught up.
“Whew!” Piddie said, wiping her eyes. “It feels good to belly laugh like that! I think it gives your insides exercise.” She reached over to Evelyn. “I know you do your best, honey. And, you’ve been improvin’, here lately.”
Hearing the rare compliment from her mother, Evelyn smiled in spite of herself.
Over a dessert of chocolate torte with white chocolate sauce and coffee, Aunt Piddie filled us in on the latest news from the Cut ’n’ Curl.
Holston stood. “I have a proposal to make!”
“I sure hope it’s a weddin’ proposal,” Piddie mumbled.
“I have the opportunity to write a piece on the cruise industry—mainly, how they cater to the entire family. I’d like all of you to accompany me on a seven-day Alaskan cruise to help me with the research.”
After a moment of shocked silence, everyone spoke at once.
“Wait! wait! Let me explain. I have four staterooms available, enough for eight people. The problem is—the dates are from June 3rd through June 10th, less than two months from now.”
“I can take time off,” Joe said. “I’m retiring next year, anyway. What are they gonna do, fire me?”
Evelyn said, “I don’t have anything planned.”
“That’s enough time for me. I’ll just mark off the schedule books in advance,” I said.
“Well, shoot!” Jake said. “I’m not going to be left out. Anybody who plans a last minute wedding now…they’ll just have to use another florist. I’m in!”
Bobby and Leigh were excited to go, as well.
“It’ll be like a honeymoon for us!” Leigh said.
The group turned toward Aunt Piddie. “I hope you all have a good time.” Her lower lip quivered slightly.
“You don’t want to go?” Holston asked.
Tears gathered in her blue eyes. “I can’t go on a boat! I need a wheelchair to get around. I can walk a little ways, but not far. I’d just slow you down.”
Holston rounded the table and squatted by her chair. “Ah—but, you’re an important part of my plan. I need the viewpoint of family members with all levels o
f ability and disability.”
Piddie’s face brightened. “I can go?”
“Most definitely. We can make arrangements with the cruise line for your wheelchair. The airlines are most cooperative, too.”
Piddie slapped her palms on the table. “Sign me on as the senior citizen corrie-spondent!”
Holston stood. “Okay then! Here’s the main problem I see. We have a short time to finalize the arrangements. I can take care of the airline reservations. The only hitch I see is this: because we will be in Canada for a brief time before boarding the ship, we’ll each need a picture ID and either a valid passport or certified official copy of a birth certificate. The latter will probably be the quickest to procure.”
“My passport is still valid.” Jake said. “I traveled into Canada a few times while I lived up North. It was easier to flip out a passport at the border, so I got one a few years back.”
“Good, I have a passport as well. As for the rest of you, the driver’s license will suffice for the picture ID, and I can help you apply for a certified birth certificate over the Internet. The fee is small, and it takes a couple of weeks to process. I wouldn’t advise taking your original birth certificate on the trip.”
“What about Mama?” Evelyn asked.
Piddie’s face lit up. “Oh, I have a driver’s license.”
Evelyn’s face mirrored our unified shock. “What?”
“They keep sendin’ me renewal notices, and I pay ’em. I could drive if I wanted to.”
Evelyn snorted. “I surely wouldn’t ride with you.”
Piddie pointed a pudgy finger toward her daughter. “Don’t start up with me, missy! I’m not the one who’s had three fender benders in the last year!”
“Ladies…,”Joe said.
“Piddie, the fact that you do have a license certainly makes things simpler,” Holston said as he returned to his chair. “I’ll have brochures soon, so we can review our options for the extra excursions in the three ports we’ll be visiting: Juneau, Skagway, and Sitka. There will be two stops on the way up to Glacier Bay and one stop on the return trip.”
Piddie clapped her hands. “We gotta go clothes shoppin’, Evelyn!” She stopped and frowned. “Oh, no. What about the party we’re goin’ to plan for Bobby and Leigh?”
“Let’s save that ’till we get back home,” Bobby said.
Leigh nodded. “It’d be too much to cram all of that in, and plan a trip, too.”
After the family left, I helped Holston clear the dirty dishes.
“So…what’s really up with this trip?” I asked as I loaded plates into the dishwasher.
“We’re taking a trip to Alaska,” Holston answered, all sweetness and innocence.
“Holston, I know as well as you do that nobody would foot the bill on four staterooms for publicity on an article. One, maybe two….but, four?”
Holston closed the dishwasher and toweled dry the countertops. “I’m paying for the majority of the trip, okay? If you tell them that, they won’t go. I’m getting a great group rate for us, and, I really want to do this. You and your family have given me so much and never once expected a thing in return.” His eyes glistened with moisture. “That means more to me than you can imagine.”
I wormed my way into his arms. “You’re the sweetest Damn Yankee I’ve ever met.”
Chocolate Baked Alaska—Cake Recipe
Ingredients: ¾ cup sugar, 1 cup flour, ½ cup cocoa, ¾ tsp baking soda, ¾ tsp powder, egg, ½ cup milk, ¼ cup vegetable oil, 1 tsp vanilla extract, ½ cup boiling water.
Combine sugar, flour, cocoa, baking powder, and baking soda. Add and mix for 2 minutes 1 egg, the milk, vegetable oil, and vanilla. Mix in boiling water. Pour into prepared pan and bake for 30 to 35 minutes. After cake has cooled, remove it from the pan and cut off the raised center of the cake so that the top is level. Let cool for at least two hours.
Shape on quart of ice cream (your favorite flavor) into a layer the same size as your cake and return to freezer. Let it harden for at least two hours. 15 minutes before you are ready to serve dessert, make the meringue.
Chapter Twenty-three
WAGON’S HO!
Jake swept into my bedroom on the Hill wearing a form-fitting pair of dress pants and a silky rayon shirt. “Does this make me look fat?” he asked as he pirouetted on his good leg to show me all viewpoints.
“You couldn’t look fat if you tried, Jake. Besides, don’t you need to look hot so you can catch some unsuspecting tourist?”
Jake snorted indignantly, his hands on his slender hips. “Why does everyone assume that all gay men are horn-dogs just lurking in shady bathrooms looking for action? You know I’m not that type of girl!”
I laughed. “Perhaps it’s the air of suppressed sensuality you exude.”
His scowl lightened. “Gotta be it!” He surveyed the mounds of clothes stacked on my bed. “Gaaah…I’m glad I don’t have to cart your bags around! You look like you’re going to Alaska for a month!”
“I want to be prepared,” I said. “Holston says the weather can be unpredictable in early June. I have to take clothes to layer in case the weather’s cool.”
“If you don’t have it here, I can’t imagine you’d need it. Did you find a dress for formal night?”
“Oh! Yes! Wait!” I grabbed a plastic-wrapped hanging bag. “I’ll try it on for you.”
“Sister-girl!” Jake cooed when I stepped into the room. “You are a dish of Baked Alaska in that dress! Maybe—Cherries Jubilee. Well, something sweet on fire, anyway.”
I sashayed around the room like a runway model in the slinky, formal-length, strapless black dress, then whipped a velvety-soft cashmere pashmina throw around my shoulders.
Jake lurched to pet the wrap. “Cashmere. Honey, you are intent on spending your inheritance.”
“You only go to Alaska once, maybe twice, in a lifetime, right?”
“Exactly. That’s why I bought a new tux. I’ll pick it up tomorrow at the mall.” Jake’s expression darkened. “You have lost a lot of weight, sister-girl. Maybe you and lover-boy should take a break from breeding and eat some decent food.”
“I’ve been eating, Jake. Besides, I kind of like being able to wear a dress like this without seeing all the bulges and lumps sticking out in obvious places.”
“You don’t need to lose any more. A woman looks better with a few curves.”
“Now you sound like my mother.”
Jake rested a hand on my shoulder. “No kidding, you have been looking a little worn out. I think you need to stop all this back and forth nonsense. Travelin’ between the two towns is wearing you out! It’s so much calmer over here.” The loving concern on his face caused tears to form in my eyes. “You sure you’re okay?”
“I do need a vacation, I think. I’m not sure I’m ready just yet to give up on Tallahassee all the way…maybe some day soon, though. This place kinda grows on you, after a while.” I smiled at him. “Don’t worry about me, Jake. It’s just… I haven’t had my usual amount of energy.”
“You may have…how does Piddie put it? Low blood.”
I walked to the bathroom to undress. “I could be a bit anemic. I’ve felt this way before. I’m due for a check-up. I’ll call when we get home from the trip and schedule with Dr. McCray.”
Jake yelled through the door. “I talked to Evelyn this morning while you were in the shower. The woman is just beside herself with excitement. She’s sewing up a storm for herself and Piddie.”
“I can’t wait to see how she dresses for the cruise! I wonder if she’ll carry the Island theme to the cold country.”
Jake smoothed an unruly lock of my hair when I stepped from the bathroom. “Actually, I think she’s going with more of a L.L. Bean outdoorsy-girl look.”
“Good. It’d be hard to see tropical print transposed on the view of the Inland Passage.”
He tilted his head. “I’m proud of Evelyn. She’s really a trooper. As amusing as your Aunt Piddie can be, I’m sure it�
��s no picnic living with her 24-7. Then, there’s that heart-wrenching daughter thing.”
“My weird cousin Karen?” I twirled a finger in a circle by my temple.
Jake curled up on the bed with a throw pillow. “Yeah. I don’t remember a lot about her from our growing-up years. I vaguely recall this odd little girl who used to hang out with us sometimes. Since I’ve been back home, I had not heard anyone mention her at all! I finally got the scoop from…”
“Elvina Houston,” we said in unison.
Jake threw his hands into the air. “How’d you ever guess? Anyway, Karen changed her name to Mary Elizabeth Kensington immediately after she graduated from FSU. She’s now living in a huge house north of Atlanta with a couple of cats. She has a great job with Georgia Metro Public Television. But, get this, she speaks with a British accent and no longer acknowledges her connection to the family. It’s as if Karen had an out-of-body experience, and some free-loading British woman with an attitude stepped in while she was out!”
I stuffed a wad of underwear into the open suitcase. “I didn’t know any of this! I suppose that’s why the only pictures of Karen are from before graduation.”
“Joe and Evelyn have both been very hurt by all of it. Evelyn has tried to keep in touch by phone. Karen, or Mary Elizabeth, refuses to answer by her real name, and treats her parents like they’re some people that she met on a holiday and doesn’t remember very well.”
I shook my head. “That is so unbelievable!”
“She seems to function okay. I’ve caught sight of her a couple of times on interview shows on GMPTV. She has a crisp British accent. Certainly, you’d never pick her out as being from the South!”
Jake turned to leave the room “Elvina says that it’s as if everyone’s decided to leave it alone. It’s a taboo subject. No one wants to hurt your family. Listen to me, standing here yakking like I don’t have thing to do! I gotta finish packing. I can’t believe we actually leave in three days. I have to set up the VCR to tape Oprah while we’re gone. Thank the stars for modern technology!”
