by J P Barnaby
“Are you sure? I thought you wanted a good assessment?” she asked incredulously, and my heart sank. If I didn’t do it, she wouldn’t give me a good assessment. I thought about it for a long time, but in the end, her safety was more important. shook my head.
“I’m sorry, Catherine,” I said, looking at the floor. “I can go over that with Ethan, or with someone else and we can do it later. I won’t risk hurting you just for this.” Walking over to her stuff, she tossed the paper in her bag before getting dressed. I had been doing so well, but now I’m going to have to retrain and go through it all over again! I thought savagely as I dressed as well. When we were all dressed, she faced me.
“Jayden, you have done an outstanding job today. I will be giving you the highest recommendation that I can for you to be a Dom in the community,” she said with a proud smile, and then hugged me.
“But…but I wouldn’t do the wax play. Didn’t that disqualify me?” I asked, unable to believe my ears.
“You answered the question perfectly. I knew from my discussion with Ethan that you weren’t ready for that yet. You risked ‘failing’ the assessment for my safety. That is the mark of a great Dom, Jayden.” Pushing a lock of hair out of my eyes, she continued, “My safety meant more to you than being a Dom, you put your sub first. That’s exactly what you should do.” She hugged me, and then she hugged Ethan, and Ethan walked her out.
I stayed in the room looking around, in disbelief I was going to be recommended as a Dom in the community. Why did it make me so sad?
Ethan.
Where do we go from here?
Chapter 13
The incessant pounding finally broke through my consciousness and my eyes opened infinitesimally to find my bedside clock. Who the hell is pounding on my bedroom door at three in the morning? As the pounding returned, I dimly realized that it was coming from the front door. I rolled out of bed and threw on a t-shirt over my sleep pants before jogging downstairs. Unlocking the deadbolt, I threw open the door to see two uniformed police officers on the porch. After a brief moment of shock, I found my voice and opened the outer door.
“Can I help you?” I asked hoarsely, and turned to see Ethan coming down the stairs.
“Jayden Carter?” The taller of the two asked. Oh, God… No, please…I thought as Lexi’s voice came unbidden into my mind. ‘You need to work things out with her, Jayden. She’s your sister, and you never know what could happen.’ God, not Kimberly, please. I nodded mutely, and Ethan stepped forward to stand beside me.
“And you are?” The officer asked of Ethan in a polite tone.
“Ethan Bryant. Mr. Carter is my roommate.” He paused just a single beat and the finished, “and my friend.” The second guy nodded and Ethan led us into the living room. I walked on numb legs and sat down on the couch while Ethan sat next to me. He did not touch me, but his presence was comforting nonetheless.
“Mr. Carter, I am very sorry to have to tell you that your parents were killed in Chicago earlier this evening.” The taller officer said with profound sympathy. I couldn’t process what he had said. It couldn’t be true. My heart sank with the realization that they wouldn’t be here if they weren’t sure.
“Wh…What happened?” I asked, the shock permeating through my entire shaking frame. My parents, our parents were dead. Oh, God…Kimberly.
“They were coming from a theater were they had been seeing a show and were accosted by several individuals. It appears to have been a robbery. They were shot. They both died on the scene, they did not suffer.” The second officer said sadly, looking truly sorry for me.
“We are very sorry for your loss,” The other officer said. As the officers paused in their notification, I heard Ethan then. He was on his cell phone telling Lexi that she would have a ticket waiting for her at the airport, that we would meet her in Chicago. It must have been a terrible connection because the volume of his voice was such that it broke though even the thoughts about what was waiting for me in Chicago. Thankfully, he knew I that would want to go right away, of course he did. Ethan had always been able to read me like an open book.
“Have you told my sister, Kimberly?” I asked, not bothering to hide the desperation, the utter devastation in my voice. The taller officer shook his head. As the oldest and only son, of course I would be first on their notification list. We talked for another few minutes about identification of my parents’ bodies, and what I would have to do next. All I could think about was how I was going to tell Kimberly. Ethan showed the officers out while I sat on the couch, with my head in my hands.
“Jayden, Lexi is on her way,” Ethan said softly, sitting down next to me. He hesitated for a minute, and then put his arm around my shoulders, and I turned my face towards him, burying it in his neck while he stroked my hair and murmured soft encouragements. After many long minutes, I pulled away. He leaned over and kissed the top of my head.
“I have to tell my sister,” I said dully.
“I know. I’ll take you over there. You don’t need to be driving while you’re so upset.” He started walking towards the stairs.
“No, Ethan.” He turned around. First hurt, and then confusion touched his eyes before he controlled his emotions. “Seeing you will only upset her further,” I explained quietly and sighed. “If you want, I would like for you to come to Chicago with me. You could get out stuff packed and do something about the tickets. I’d like to leave as soon as we can.”
Numbly, I went upstairs and got dressed. Within a few minutes, I was in my truck and on my way to tell my sister, my only sibling, that our parents were dead.
It took nearly ten minutes for a bleary-eyed Kimberly to answer her door with a murderous look on her face, and Josh standing right behind her.
“Jayden?” she asked, momentarily confused. “What? Did the freak throw you out?” Then she must have noticed my expression, and her face softened. “Oh God, Jay, what is it? Did he hurt you? Honey, please… Come in, you’re scaring me.” I let her lead me into their large family room.
“You need to sit down Kimberly,” I began, and she and Josh took the couch opposite me. I relayed to her what the officers had told me. At first, she didn’t show any sign that she’d heard. Then, just as I knew she would, she went to pieces. She raged, thankfully not at me, she screamed, she sobbed – it broke my heart. Josh held her throughout it all, and my respect for him grew as he comforted my sister, he would help her put the pieces back together.
* * *
On numb legs, I walked onto the plane that would bring me face to face with the reality of my parents’ deaths. The flight attendant must have noticed my demeanor because as Ethan stored our carry-on luggage in the overhead bins, she asked if she could get me anything. Without pretense, I asked her for two Jack and Cokes. She said she’d bring them as soon as we were in the air.
While everyone else boarded, I sat in the window seat, ignoring the chaos around me, I focused on the ground crew getting us ready for take-off. Just after we left the ground, I felt Ethan squeeze my knee lightly, and I looked over at him.
“I’m sorry. We’ll be with Lexi soon. I know she’s better at this stuff than I am.” I leaned over, not caring that we weren’t alone, not caring that I was practically in the arms of another man in public, and rested my forehead against his shoulder. Without hesitation, he reached up and stroked my hair, and then my face. It was then that the tears finally came. They were silent, here in the first class cabin of our Chicago flight, but they helped to purge some of the profound loss I felt. Ethan just kept holding me, trying to reassure me long after the flight attendant had brought our drinks.
We left them untouched.
* * *
As we exited the terminal, I was hit hard in the chest by a mass of floral-scented brown hair. I wrapped my arms tightly around her and buried my face in her neck.
“I’m so sorry, Jayden,” Lexi said softly in my ear and I nodded. The tears were still so close to the surface, I was trying not to let my emotions get
the best of me. There were things I needed to do here in Chicago. I held her for another minute and then we went to pick up our checked luggage. We’d packed light, even though I was fairly sure I wouldn’t be leaving Chicago until after the funeral.
Thankfully the traffic was light, Chicago traffic can sometimes feel like a bondage all its own, and it didn’t take us long to reach the hotel. We left a very reluctant Lexi in the hotel room and caught a cab to the address the police had provided. Suddenly, now that we had flown thousands of miles to get here, I did not want to go in to the morgue. Ethan squeezed my shoulder reassuringly, and I took a deep breath, closing my eyes. I nodded slightly – he removed his hand, and we went in.
“Hello, we are here to make an identification,” Ethan told the receptionist calmly. Her face went immediately from friendly to pity. God, I hated that face. I’m sure I was going to see it over and over before this was over.
“I’m sorry,” she said sympathetically. “Who are you here to see?”
Ethan handed her the faxed sheet of paper that the Washington officers had provided sent from the Chicago police department. After looking it over, she told us it would just be a moment. For which I was grateful, I didn’t want to be here any longer than I had to. Quickly, she returned with a burly looking officer, he looked at us both, and then addressed me first. I was surprised and encouraged by his deductive reasoning skills. I hoped he would be one of the people trying to solve my parents’… murder.
“Jayden Carter?” he asked, and I nodded.
“I’m Detective Sanders of the Chicago Police Department,” he introduced himself, holding out his hand for me to shake. “Did the officers in Washington fill you in?”
“Not really, to be honest,” I told him, a little frustrated. “Maybe we could get this done and then talk?” He nodded and started to lead us back, but when Ethan started to follow, the detective stopped him.
“Sir, may I ask your name?”
“Ethan Bryant,” Ethan replied politely. “I’m Mr. Carter’s roommate…and his friend. If this is about coming back there with him, I would like to – in order to be there for him. However, if that is not allowed, I won’t make a scene.”
“I appreciate that. Please, follow me.” Detective Sanders led us both through a large set of double doors. Thankful the detective had allowed Ethan come with me, I could feel my strength waning with each step we took. By the time we reached a large curtained window where we stopped, my hands were shaking. Ethan was standing to my left, and I saw his hand move toward me, but then he pulled it back. I couldn’t really process any kind of hurt or disappointment in that stunted gesture, because I assumed now that I was only one thin curtain and one pane of glass away from my parents’ dead bodies. It was odd how much this resembled a viewing area at a hospital nursery. You could see life that had just started and life that had just ended all behind a wall of glass.
“Are you ready, Mr. Carter?” Detective Sanders asked in a quiet voice. I nodded, and he reached up, flipping a switch on the wall. A blue light came on over our heads which must have indicated our perceived readiness. I wished that I could scream that I wasn’t ready, that I would never be ready but after a minute, someone on the other side of the glass pulled back the curtain slowly. So fucking slowly, like it was something to cherish, something to marvel at, all I could do was feel sick. Looking at my feet, I kept my head down, it may have been childish, but I didn’t want to look until I had absolutely necessary. When I felt Ethan’s hand on my shoulder, I knew it was time, so I lifted my head, and all of the air left my lungs in a gush. My parents lay side by side on steel gurneys, covered to the shoulders with identical white sheets. They were still, pale, and utterly lifeless. My eyes fell on my mother’s face; my mother, the woman who had done everything for me. A discoloration on her forehead caught my eye. My hand went to the glass and I bent over trying not to be sick as I realized what it was.
My mother had been shot in the head. Oh, Jesus.
“Jayden?” Ethan asked from some distance, his voice full of concern. My ears were ringing, and I felt so disconnected from everything, but I knew I had to make my voice work, so I started with nodding my head, either to tell him that I was okay, or to tell him that it was them, I wasn’t sure.
“That’s them,” I choked out in a whisper.
“Okay, Mr. Carter, why don’t we go talk now.” Detective Sanders led us away from the horror behind the curtain.
* * *
Once we got back to the hotel, I listened dully as Ethan relayed our conversation with Detective Sanders to Lexi. I merely listened to the ghostly narrative of the events that had changed my life.
“After the identification was made, Jayden and I went to an interview room with the officer and he told us what they know so far. Mr.…They were leaving the theater when a couple of street thugs approached them, asking for his wallet, her purse, and their jewelry. Mr. Carter refused, and they shot him. He had been standing in front of his wife in an effort to protect her, but the bullet went through him and into her. They were both shot again before the two individuals escaped. The couple was pronounced dead on the scene.” He finished in an even monotone. Even though he’d tried so hard to refrain from using their names, I still could feel the pain building just having to listen to it again. Why the hell hadn’t my father just give them what they asked for? Everything was replaceable! Everything…but them.
Not able to listen anymore, I got up and went to the bed, my face into the pillow. I barely had time to take a breath before I started screaming.
* * *
I sat in the small quiet room for hours after the funeral, until Lexi and Ethan told me that we should go. Josh and Kim had left right afterwards, Kimberly just couldn’t take being there. She and I had been cordial during the whole process, our grief outweighing the animosity, both too shocked and devastated by our parents’ brutal deaths to really put any energy into fighting. We were both thoroughly defeated, it didn’t matter who was right anymore.
After our flight landed in Washington, and on the way to the house, I sat in the back of the back of Ethan’s Toyota. The silence on the drive home was absolute. There was no talking, no music; I didn’t even hear the purr of the engine as we made our way down the highway. I gazed out the window, watching the scenery pass trying desperately to contain the screaming that was inside my head, drowning everything else out.
When we pulled up to the house, I got out without a word and walked directly up to the room, leaving the door open, knowing Ethan and Lexi would follow soon. I removed all of my clothing and went to the grid work of bars on the wall, grabbing four cuffs as I went, buckling them tightly onto my wrists and ankles, just as Ethan had taught me during our training. I saw the special pins in the cuffs that attached to points in the grid, and I walked over to the wall and locked first my ankles, and then my wrists to points on the grid that caused me to be spread wide. Then, I waited.
It took a while for Ethan and Lexi to come into the room. Ethan walked up behind me and put his hand on my shoulder.
“Jayden….”
“Whip me,” I said in a low but surprisingly calm voice, even though I was anything but calm and could still clearly hear the screaming in my head.
He sighed. “Jayden, I don’t think....” he started, but I cut him off, my forehead was pressed against the metal, so I was speaking to the wall. My eyes were closed and I didn’t turn my head, I didn’t want to see his pity.
“Please…” I nearly sobbed, whispering now. “I need the pain.” He started to protest and I turned my head to look at him, my voice rising exponentially with every word. “My parents died thinking I fuck strange men for money. I can’t think about it!” I was almost screaming. “I can’t feel what I’m feeling right now. PLEASE…Mas…Ethan, please.” I finished and turned back to the wall as I heard him walking to the back wall to pick something out, I didn’t even care what it he was retrieving. Lexi kissed my shoulder softly.
“Please don’t d
o this,” she said quietly. I turned my head away from her, I couldn’t face her. I felt like such a coward, such a fucking failure. Moving away, she sat on the floor. I didn’t want her to see this, but I knew she’d never leave.
“Are you sure, Jayden?” he asked, and the conflict in his voice over what he was about to do was evident. I nodded and he stepped back before I heard a whistle through the air and felt the sharp sting on my back.
“Harder!” I said through my teeth. He didn’t say anything but swung his instrument with slightly more force, and I grunted as it swiped across my skin just under the first strike.
“Harder!” I said again, my voice breaking, grunting and panting through my teeth. The next blow burned my skin. I tensed and then let out a low moan. “Yes…”
He continued to work over my increasingly sensitive skin in harder strokes. After a few minutes, I felt the screams start to tear out of my throat, screams of pain, frustration, and loss. I couldn’t scream loud enough to purge my overwhelming grief.
My throat was sore from the screams and the sobs when Ethan finally said, “Enough,” and tossed something onto the floor. My legs had given out, and I was hanging by my arms. In the resulting silence, I heard Lexi crying quietly on the floor next to me, she had never left me. They were both here for me as no one else has ever been.
“Lexi, honey, release his cuffs,” Ethan instructed her. I felt his arms go around my waist to hold me up. As he took the strain off my arms, I felt them burning and starting to cramp from the exertion. When the cuffs were finally off, I was shaking all over and found that I could not stand. Ethan and Lexi half carried me to my room and lay me face down on my bed.
“Lexi, get a cool wash cloth, I’m going to get my bag.” Ethan told her quietly, and then left the room. She was back in a minute and I felt her cool hands on my fiery skin. I knew what it must look like; I’d seen the pictures - angry red lines, raised welts, bruising that would probably cover my skin from my shoulders to my knees. Perfectly straight, perfectly formed lines as only an experienced Master like Ethan could deliver
