Twenty-Five
Before Brady my weekends were boring, long, and depressing. After Brady I knew it was only going to be worse. I knew what I could have had. I knew what was out there for me. I knew what I was missing.
My life was all of a sudden defined by my time with him. Before him I was unhappy but ignorant. I didn’t know how great life could be. After Brady, it only got worse. I was no longer unaware of how beautiful life could be. And it ripped my heart to shreds.
Carrie and Riley kept me company over the weekend and talked me off the proverbial ledge. I couldn’t have survived without them. They kept me fed and liquored up enough to dull the pain, although it never truly stopped. The truth was, I think I hurt more for Brady than for myself. Yeah, I missed him and wanted him back, but if he thought he couldn’t love someone I felt sorry for him.
I knew he could love. I’d seen it in his eyes when he held me and felt it in his touch. If what we had wasn’t love I didn’t know what was. Even Carrie and Riley said they thought he loved me and were shocked when I told them he’d never said the words, and then told me he wasn’t capable of love.
I ended up looking up his dad’s obituary online. I told myself I hated the man, but it was hard to believe he couldn’t have changed. His wife had contacted Brady, more than once apparently, to meet the man his dad had become.
Brady Richard Wright, Sr. was going to be buried Tuesday, but his wake was on Monday afternoon and evening. By the end of the weekend I knew I had to attend. I couldn’t explain it, even to myself, but I had to be there. I had to see the man who’d destroyed the one I loved, and meet the woman he’d spent the rest of his life loving. Meeting Brady’s sister was a draw, too.
I was nervous.
Dressed in a conservative black skirt and dark grey top, I headed to the funeral home. Like I’d hoped, it was quiet being a Monday afternoon. After a quick scan of the lot to make sure Brady wasn’t there, I forced myself inside.
A greeter met me at the door and directed me toward the correct room. A woman with greying auburn hair and kind, wet eyes was standing just beyond the casket. A younger version of her, but with Brady’s hazel eyes, stood next to her. A few others fell into place beyond them, people I assumed were her parents and siblings.
Brady never mentioned aunts or uncles, but then again he never mentioned his parents either. I had no idea who I might run into at the wake, but I was there for him, for a purpose. No one and nothing else mattered.
After kneeling before the man who resembled Brady in many ways, even though he always told Brady he looked like his mother, I took my place in line. When I reached the auburn haired woman she smiled kindly at me and thanked me for coming, effectively dismissing me.
“I know Brady,” I said to her, my eyes locking on hers. I saw the briefest of widening in her irises before she turned to one the of others in line and asked them to take over for her.
She led me out of the room and onto a bench in the hallway. “Is Brady coming?”
I suddenly felt bad for being there. She was dealing with enough grief and having me there would only make it worse.
“I’m sorry. Maybe I shouldn’t have come.”
I started to stand, but she rested her hand on my arm and said, “Please. Will you tell me about him?”
A smile crossed my lips before I could think about it. “Brady is an amazing man. He’s kind and helpful and strong and independent and beautiful in every way. He’s the most wonderful man I’ve ever met in my life,” I told her honestly.
The woman nodded as though she expected to hear all those words. “He’s lucky to have you in his life. Brady, Sr. told me about his son, about how he was when he was drinking. He was very ashamed and it took him years to even think about forgiving himself. I’m not sure he ever truly did.”
“I’m sorry. Obviously the man you knew was very different than the one Brady knew. He told me his father died when he was 18. He never talked about him.”
She nodded again. “They had a fight when Brady was 18, well, just before it. He told his father he hated him and he hoped he died. Brady, Sr. said he knew his son would leave, but he was too drunk to care. When Brady actually left he admitted he was relieved. It also forced him to face his pain over what happened with his first wife. Sixteen years was a long time to hold on to so much hatred. I know it had to be hard on Brady, but him leaving probably saved his dad’s life. Well, at least gave him another fifteen years.”
I wanted to be surprised by what she said, but I wasn’t. Without Brady around for his dad to take out his anger, he had to deal with it. I only wish he’d dealt with it before Brady was forced to go his own way.
“Brady, Sr. wrote a letter to his son. If he’s not coming today, would you bring it to him?”
I took a deep breath. It was now or never. I had a reason for going and it was time to do it. “Actually, that’s why I’m here today. I have to ask you a favor. I know this isn’t fair to you or your daughter, but I want to ask you to stop contacting him. In the time I’ve known him he’s never touched alcohol, but Friday night he consumed almost a full bottle of whiskey. He’s not ready to deal with all this. I don’t know if or when he will be, but I wanted to ask you to give him space. He knows how to get in touch with you, and I think one day he will, but for now, I ask that you let him grieve and accept what’s happened.”
She regarded me carefully for a few seconds, making me feel like I was on a job interview or something. I had no delusions that she would roll over and accept my request, but when she nodded once I thought maybe she would.
“Brady’s a lucky man. You obviously love him very much.”
“I do,” I confessed. “With every piece of my heart.” Tears leaked from my eyes and trickled down my cheeks. She pulled a tissue from her pocket and handed it over.
“That’s how I felt about his dad. I understand his need for space. Please tell him I’ll respect his wishes and that if he ever wants to be in touch, we’d welcome him with open arms.”
I shook my head, struggling to compose myself. I did what I came to do, and it was time to go. “Thank you,” was all I managed before I stood and half ran from the funeral home.
Safely tucked in my car I let the tears fall. The woman I met was wonderful. Kind, welcoming, and clearly in love with Brady’s dad. There was no way he was the man Brady’d known when she was with him. My heart broke for Brady that he would never know his dad without a bottle hanging around, or fear and anger. I had no claim to him anymore, but I prayed that one day he’d find someone who could push past his hurt and give him the love he deserved. The love I felt but couldn’t share.
~*~
The next few weeks were the worst of my life. I wanted to believe Brady would come to his senses and call me, but he never did. He’d completely erased me from his world.
I moved on as much as I could. My friends helped me move into my new house the weekend after Brady and I broke up. It was hard getting settled in a new place by myself when I’d chosen a place imagining Brady being there with me, a home with a yard that Lucky could play in when the two of them came over to visit.
None of that would ever happen though.
I tried to go to Dave’s Gym a few times, but whenever I got there I couldn’t get out of my car. I’d sit in the parking lot and stare at the building that held so many memories and couldn’t go inside. If I saw him I’d lose it, and if I didn’t see him I’d be disappointed. It was a lose-lose for me.
One Wednesday I finally gave up. It’d been almost three weeks since I’d seen Brady, since I’d walked out his door. He wasn’t coming back. I knew that without a doubt. If he’d loved me the way I thought he had he wouldn’t have been able to stay away. I was hurt but had to move on with my life. I wouldn’t ever forget him, but I could start to erase him from it.
It started with a phone call. “Dave’s Gym, this is Jennie, how may I help you?”
“Hi Jennie, it’s Sam,” I said into the phone, knowing she’d know
who I was.
“Oh, my God, Sam, where have you been? What’s going on?” she said in a hushed voice.
“Brady and I broke up. Well, technically he broke up with me. He told me he doesn’t love me and he’s done with our relationship. But that’s not why I’m calling. I need to cancel my membership. I can’t come back there,” I said over the lump in my throat.
“Oh, man. That sucks. He was so happy with you. I thought for sure you’d end up Mrs. Brady. And I don’t believe that he doesn’t love you. Have you talked to him? He’s miserable-“
“Jennie, I can’t,” I interrupted her. Hearing about Brady would only hurt worse. He was the one who said he was done, who said he didn’t want me. I couldn’t get pulled into his orbit again. I might not ever make it out if I did. “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to be nasty to you, but it just hurts to hear about him. I wish him the best, but I can’t see him or talk to him. He told me he didn’t love me and kicked me out of his place. It’s over.”
“Damn. I’m sorry, Sam. That really sucks. I’ll take care of your membership. Don’t worry about it.”
“Thanks Jennie. Hey, if you ever want to grab that drink, give me a call. I mean, unless it’s too awkward with Brady being your boss and all…” I trailed off, wishing I didn’t have to give up so much just because of Brady. I was already giving him up, it sucked that I also had to give up my gym and my new friends there.
“That would be great. I’ll talk to Greg and we’ll check our schedules and call you.”
I smiled, feeling a little better. Greg was great and so was Jennie. I could hold on to them even though I lost Brady.
Jennie and I hung up. My smile faded quickly. Slowly but surely I would remove Brady from my world, and one day I wouldn’t feel so much pain when I thought about him. As much as I hated the steps I had to take, I needed to take them.
I spent the rest of that afternoon working. My business was doing well, although I was happier than ever that I was giving up weddings. I had my last one coming up in a few weeks. It was a definite hit to my income, but things were picking up with the family portraits and business accounts. I’d taken some pictures of READ and Riley and Carrie were meeting me at work for dinner to review all the pictures and work on the website for READ.
I ran out early evening it pick up some Chinese food. We’d all discovered it was one of our guilty pleasures, and I wanted to have a good dinner for them since they were keeping me from sinking into myself most nights. Addi and the others were helping me too, but Carrie and Riley were definitely the two I’d grown closest to over the last three weeks.
Then again, seeing the happy couples just made me want to cry. I’d spent more than my fair share of time, and money, at Bite Me! with Charlie too, but she worked such crazy hours I had to go to her. Boy was I glad to have single friends. Not to mention the fact that they were awesome.
My mom called while I was carrying food back into the office. “Hi, Mom,” I said, feeling the need to finally move past our fight from forever ago. I barely remembered what we’d fought about, but it didn’t matter anymore. It was nice to talk to someone who loved me, even if she did it in her own way.
“Hello, Samantha. I’m surprised you answered. How are you doing?”
“Not that great, Mom. Brady and I broke up a few weeks ago. I’ve moved to a new house. I cut weddings from my business and am focusing on just family and business shoots. I’m sorry about our fight.”
“So am I. I never should have tried to tell you how to live your life. I’m always worried about you though. That doesn’t mean I can tell you what to do.”
Shocked, I didn’t answer for a few seconds. I dumped all the food onto the table in the back. I already had three chairs around the table, and my jaw resting squarely on top.
“Are you still there, Samantha?”
“Yeah, I… I’m just surprised is all. I never thought I’d hear you apologize.”
Mom laughed quietly. “Then you haven’t been listening to the messages I’ve left you. Heather and your father both read me the riot act after we argued. They were right, but I didn’t want to admit it. I’m sorry about Brady. If you were still with him I’d apologize for treating him poorly. I did think he was a good man. He seemed to really care about you.”
A lump filled my throat and tears stung my eyes. “We were both wrong about that one,” I finally managed.
“I’m sorry, honey. Have your friends been there for you?”
“Yeah. Riley and Carrie, two new friends, have been hanging around a lot. They’re keeping me from sitting around crying every night.”
“That’s good. It’s hard to be alone when you’re upset. You have good friends.”
I nodded even though she couldn’t see me. “Yeah, I’m lucky. I don’t know where I’d be without them.”
“You’re lucky, Samantha. You have wonderful friends, a career that makes you happy, and you’re a beautiful woman. I know you’re hurting right now, but maybe Brady will come to his senses one day.”
I sighed. “I don’t think so, Mom. It’s been almost three weeks and I haven’t heard anything from him. I’m finally accepting that it’s really over and moving forward with my life, even though I’m not happy about it.”
Mom paused, making me nervous. A pause for my mother was akin to pressing the launch button on a nuclear weapon. Something bad was coming.
“I’m sorry to hear that, honey. I’m proud of you. You’ve shown how strong you truly are through all this and I know it’s not easy. I don’t make anything easy on you and I’ve been made to realize that lately. I’m sorry I haven’t supported your choices better. You were right about your career and you were right to love Brady. I thought he was your match. I wish I’d been right.”
“Me, too, Mom,” I said through my tears. “Me, too.”
Mom and I talked for a few more minutes before she said she had to go. Knowing I finally had her support made a huge difference. No one would ever replace Brady, but having my parents behind me, finally, would help.
I set out the containers of Chinese food and dug out some plates, utensils, and a roll of paper towels. I grabbed my computer from my desk up front and was getting it set up when I heard the bells chime on the front door of the studio.
“I’m back here. Come on back,” I called out to Riley and Carrie.
Their footsteps carried through the space until I knew they were behind me. I turned with a grin, ready to tell them to sit so we could eat, and stopped breathing.
“Brady,” I whispered.
Twenty-Six
”Hi, Sam,” he said casually, like it was no big deal. “Can I come in?”
“No,” I spurted. I couldn’t have Brady in my studio. I already had too many memories of him. A new one of him telling me, all over again, that he didn’t want me might break me. I couldn’t let him into my studio, the one place that had remained Brady free.
I stood and walked to the side door leading to the parking lot and stepped outside. He followed me out, but looked disappointed. “Fair enough. I don’t deserve anything from you after the way I treated you.” He hesitated, brushing his hand over his close cut hair. I looked him over, hating myself for still wanting him after he’d hurt me so badly. He looked good, but tired. His hazel eyes were dark with bags underneath. His knuckles sported fresh scrapes. His jeans hung low on his narrow hips and his shirt stretched over his always firm chest.
Damn him. He was even wearing my favorite shirt.
He shifted his weight and I caught a hint of his fresh scent and nearly swooned. Damn, the man had power over me. It just wasn’t fair.
“Are you seeing someone else, Sam? Is he on the way here?”
“What are you doing here, Brady?” I asked, ignoring his question. If he thought I could move on so quickly he was a fool. Then again, he probably had. There was nothing keeping him from being with someone new. It wasn’t like he loved me and had to work to get over me.
“I wanted to tell you I’m sor
ry. I fucked up, Sam. I shouldn’t have taken things out on you like I did, and I’m sorry.”
I nodded once, willing the tears building in my eyes to stay put. I would not cry in front of him again. “Okay, thanks,” I said then turned to go back inside, safely away from him before the dam broke.
“Sam, wait. That’s not it. I mean, I have more I want to say to you.”
I lost it. The flood of emotions was too strong. “Why, Brady? Why bother? It doesn’t change anything. Thank you for the apology, but you said it’s over. Nothing changes that. I can’t see you.”
I turned away from him again and had my hand on the doorknob when he whispered, “I love you.”
Oh, shit. He did not just say that. I couldn’t believe it. I knew it wasn’t true. He told me he was incapable of love, and in less than three weeks there was no way that could have changed. I never thought of him as someone who would play games, but I had proof right in front of me.
My head rested against he door as tears poured down my cheeks. I couldn’t look at him. “Why Brady? Why are you doing this to me? This has been the worst few weeks of my life. Please, Brady, just leave me alone.”
“I’m telling the truth, Sam. The last 19 days have been the worst of my life, too. And that includes the 16 years I lived through my dad’s constant abuse. The only thing that has ever given my life meaning is you. And losing you was the most horrible thing I’ve been through. Please, Sam, give me a chance to talk to you. Five minutes, Sam. If I can’t convince you I love you then I’ll leave and never bother you again. Five minutes.”
Five minutes would kill me. Hell, five seconds was torture. Hearing my name on his lips was almost too much to take. Could he be telling the truth though? If there was any chance, I owed it to myself to listen.
“Five minutes, Brady. Not one second more,” I finally agreed.
Brady thanked me then jumped into his argument. “I know you met Margaret. She told me when I went to see her Sunday that she’d met you and asked where you were. She didn’t know your name, but I knew it was you when she told me my girlfriend went to see her at the wake. She told me what you said about giving me time. You were right. I was so wrapped up in my own fucking head that I couldn’t see straight. I couldn’t see what I was missing out on or what I was letting go.”
Fat & Fine Page 20
