“If it weren’t for Edna, I don’t even think I’d get up anymore.” John cracked his boiled egg and slurped his tea, and although he was on a low salt diet, he added salt to his egg though not too much. He could no longer shovel his driveway anymore, nor could he accomplish much in repairs around the house. May as well be a toddler with a plastic tool set.
And neighbors weren’t what they used to be anymore; help wasn’t offered often and usually came with a price. John remembered shoveling the old woman’s driveway years ago and was happy to do it, but for the life of him couldn’t recall her name. Time wreaked havoc on an old body, every month a new pain. Climbing life’s mountain was one thing, but now they were tumbling down the other side with the open grave waiting for them, and it was going to hurt when they hit the bottom. Someone had taken the word dignity out of a lot of dictionaries.
Edna had changed professions in her early forties, becoming a grade one teacher; he had been a mechanic. Both had loved their jobs, and in a way, it had been their identity. And when retirement overcame them it was a foul pill to swallow, both lost in an ocean in their tiny boats, aimlessly afloat. It was hard to console one another when they were feeling the same bloody way.
The sound of the toilet flushing, the water rushing through the pipes as Edna was up. She still took quite a while to do her hair even though it was getting harder for her to stand. John, of course, worried about her falling, both unsteady now. When she was a lot younger, he used to tease her about taking so long in the washroom. Now neither were fast at anything. As quickly as molasses on a cold morning, she liked to say. She also said there was a monster in her mirror every morning.
There were no Christmas decorations this year, no tree or anything else. Last year they had decorated a miniature tree that was a little over a foot high, but with the imminent parting of ways neither had the desire to put it up. They were going to end up in different senior homes at the end of January, at least until a vacancy opened up, that’s if they lived that long. The thought of being without her was not something that he could stand to think about for long as John struggled not to cry, accompanied by a deep breath and a long sigh. The good life had turned into a sad one in not too many years. One should enjoy their lives while they can. Waiting for retirement to travel is foolish when one hits you might not be healthy enough to cross the street, never mind traveling. I don’t regret one trip to Disney World even though we couldn’t afford it.
John spent more and more time in the past, reminiscing about days gone by and the happy times that had surrounded their early days as a couple. John remembered her staring at him in the museum and making him uncomfortable, but he finally took the hint after an hour or so and got up the courage to ask her out for coffee. They hit it off like they were old friends, and in less than a week John knew that he had found the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with; they never thought the years would have flown by at the speed of light.
Yesterday John had calculated how short life really was because sixteen or seventeen years were spent as a child. In no time at all, he was in his thirties, and then it was as if he had jumped to his fifties and sixties. Then he calculated that one slept for eight hours out of every twenty-four. It was just the way of things.
There was a tapping at the living room window which surprised John; they hadn’t a visitor in months, and who would be calling at this hour? And why were they doing knocking on the window? If there were a tree near the window, he would think it a branch, but it did sound like someone was out there. A burglar would be all he needed. Of course, burglars don’t knock.
Maybe someone was in trouble, and so it was necessary to take a look. He couldn’t have someone freeze to death on his doorstep. It took time to make his way to the window with the thump, thump, thump of his cane on the hardwood floor, finally pushing the pink flowered curtains aside. What he saw gave him a fright and made him step back, and unfortunately, he fell over.
TWO
John hit the floor hard, hurting his hip and he had to fight to get up. He felt like a turtle on its back and was desperate to get to his feet before Edna came down and made a production out of it. John heard the toilet flush a second time. Perhaps he had forgotten to flush when he was in there? Likely that was it. It was necessary to take his time, so he didn’t again, that’s all he needed. They should have Olympics for seniors, make a great comedy. They could just lay us down and watch us try to get back up. He sat up and used the coffee table to brace himself and stand. Fortunately, he hadn’t been gravely injured, but it would be a bruise and another pain to endure. He could already feel the darn thing.
There was more tapping at the window, and he slid the curtain open to see that the deer was still there on two legs, tapping lightly on the glass as if trying to get his attention or attempting to get in the house. Now he was hoping that Edna would be down soon so she could see it. Otherwise, she would say he imagined it. What a beautiful animal. The doe returned to her four legs and moved off, so there was no point in mentioning it though how would he be able to resist? Definitely something new to talk about.
At the bottom of the steps, Edna got out of the lift and slowly made her way to the sofa; she was obviously in pain but tried her best to hide it. Old age was like a well-acted play, both waiting for the curtain to come down.“Well, we survived another night.”
“Unless we’re both ghosts.”
“Don’t talk foolish,” she said. “A ghost wouldn’t be in this much; I mean wouldn’t be this stiff.”
“You started it.” He sat beside her and stared at her. “You’re looking lovely this morning.”
“Oh yes, I could hijack an airplane with this face. Did I hear someone knocking at the door?”
“It was the window.”
“Who was it at this hour?”
“Just the wind, Edna. I was thinking that stupid lift is so slow that we could have one at the bottom and one at the top.”
She was in no mood for jokes, but she imagined that one was on the way. “John, what are you talking about now? Explain yourself. Two lifts make no sense.”
He smiled. “No, two catapults. One to throw us upstairs and the other to throw us down. Think of the time we’d save.”
Edna had a good chuckle. “I’d like to throw you upstairs. I’ve always loved that sense of humor.”
“I’m serious.”
Edna sat back and tried to disguise the pain in her back as an itch. And her heart seemed to be jumping around lately, likely due to the stress she was sure. “So what are we going to do today?”
He sat back and got comfortable. “I have big plans for today though such a senior lady as yourself you might not be able to handle it. Can you keep up with me Edna?”
A twinge in her back that wasn’t easy to ignore. “No problem to keep up with you, but with anyone else forget it.” Now, where is he going with this? Has he hired a car to take us somewhere? And where might that somewhere be? “You have my attention so spill the beans as they say.”
John crossed his legs. “Well, see that chair over there? I thought that we might sit over there for a while, and if that’s not exciting enough, I just might stand over there in the corner, but not too long as I might fall over.”
“Un-huh. I thought you were serious.”
He tapped his cane on the floor. “And then I thought we’d get naked, and I could chase you around the table.”
“Oh good, Lord! No one wants to see me naked.”
“I do.”
“That’s only because of your Alzheimer's.”
“I don’t have Alzheimer’s.”
“If you want to see me naked you do. And what would you do if you managed to catch me?”
John shrugged. “Now that could be a problem.”
There came a tapping at the back door, and John shook his head. “No, it couldn’t be.” Can’t be the deer at the back door now?
It took time, but they both made their way to the door. John turned the bolt and unl
ocked it. It was indeed the deer tapping on the screen door. Edna put on her thick glasses and couldn’t believe what she was seeing. Was she still in bed dreaming?
“It’s a deer! I think it’s trying to get in; the poor thing must be freezing. Maybe starving too. I’m gonna give it a carrot.”
“Edna, it’s a wild thing just leave it alone. By the time you get a carrot, old woman, it’ll be in Massachusetts. I saw a deer kick a man to death once, and his arms came right off.”
She gave him the look. “Took your funny pills this morning did you?”
John again shook his head at the animal. “Took lots of pills just like every morning, but none of them were funny. When |I die two pharmaceutical companies are going to go out of business.”
It did take some time and effort to get the bag of carrots out of the crisper. John looked alternately from the deer to Edna’s progress at retrieving a carrot. Now he stared at the deer as it nudged at the door in an apparent attempt to get inside, and, of course, that was not normal behavior for a deer. Perhaps it had been someone’s pet though he thought it unlikely. Sick was more likely.
“The stupid thing is trying to get in here.”
Edna finally returned with the carrot. “See, the poor thing is still there. Here you give it to her.”
John sighed, thought they both needed their heads examined, her and the animal. He took the carrot and opened the door a crack, and a gust of wind gave him quite a chill. The deer bolted inside, so fast that John was unable to stop it. He was angry at the old woman. “Now look what you’ve done Edna, we’ll have to call the cops to get it out of here. It’ll destroy the place.”
“Oh, poppycock! It’s a deer, not an elephant.”
“It’s a wild animal!”
“You’re a wild animal.”
The deer wandered into the kitchen and looked around. Edna grabbed the carrot from John, but it wasn’t at all interested in it. It searched through the kitchen as if it was looking for something. The basement door was open a crack, and it managed to open it, and then went down into the cellar.
John made his way to the door and looked down, surprised that it hadn’t tumbled down. “It’s rummaging around. What if it damages the furnace. Do You want to get blown up? We need to get the police to put it outside.”
“John, just leave it alone. If it went down, it’ll come up.”
He thumped his cane on the floor. “Give your head a shake woman. It could jump through the picture window to get out. It’s a wild animal.”
“You’re repeating yourself.” Edna made her way over to the window and closed the curtains. “There, now it can’t see out.”
“Don’t be foolish woman! Are you gonna take it to the home with you?”
She smiled. “If I have to. It’s exciting John. When was the last time anything exciting happened to us? There’s a deer in the house.”
She has a point there, but I can’t see anything good coming out of this. John imagined the doe following her around in the old folk’s home, getting quite a reaction from the other seniors. Before they could argue more, the deer came up the steps, wiggled its nose as it sniffed around like a dog and then went into the living room. They followed it with Edna holding onto John’s arm for support. The doe appeared to be looking for something, looked past the lamp at the end of the sofa and then went up the stairs toward the bedrooms. They looked at one another shaking their heads.
“I hope we pass inspection,” said Edna.
“That thing must have rabies or something. Do you want to get rabies?”
Edna stood akimbo. “I wouldn’t mind in the least bit.”
He shook his head. “We should take this show on the road.”
They got comfortable on the sofa wondering when it was going to come down, guessing it would be dangerous to go up after it. Into their dull lives, a little excitement had come, and they were both enjoying it on different levels though John would never admit it. They would have something new to talk about when it returned to the forest where it belonged. Again there was a thump but at the front door this time.
“Maybe it’s another deer?”
“Oh sure. Don’t be asinine. I’ll eat my hat if it’s another one.”
She unlocked the door and struggled to get it open, and then pushed the screen door and in came another deer, this one a little smaller than the first. “Have fun eating that hat!”
“Well, don’t let it in here! No! I can’t believe it! We must be dreaming!” John couldn’t help but laugh as the first one came downstairs, and the two came nose to nose. “Why in God’s name did you leave another one in here? God sakes Edna.”
“She wanted in.”
What is going on with these stupid animals? Maybe they escaped from the zoo? That’s the only thing that makes a lick of sense. John scratched his head. “One deer is strange enough but two?”
They sat on the sofa as the animals lay down and got comfortable as if they were in the woods. John could not stop shaking his head at the sight of two deer relaxing in the living room. A surreal situation if there ever was one. He was wondering what the odds were of the both him and Edna going senile at the same time. How could they believe what they were seeing? She went into the kitchen, came out carrying her boiled egg in a blue bowl and placed it on the coffee table. John got up and brought her a cup of tea.
“They can’t stay in here.”
“Oh, I know that, but I want to see where this is going to go. I intend to see if another one is going to show up.”
He shook his head. “She wants to see if another one is gonna knock at the door. If another one does come, you’re damn well not letting it in here!”
“I am letting it in if another one comes. And anyway, shouldn’t you be eating your hat right about now?”
“Now who’s the funny one. I should be eating deer meat that’s what I should be eating. Where’s my gun?”
“John, you don’t have a gun.”
“Too bad.”
Edna talked to the animals as if she was talking to a dog. “Do any of you want a carrot?”
“If one answers I’m leaving.”
She started laughing. “Imagine if the kids came in right now.”
John was working hard to come up with a reason, but there was no sense of it. He would consider a gas leak, but that obviously wasn’t it. He looked at his watch and then down at the deer who were still as comfortable as pigs in mud, fifteen minutes before six. What could the rest of the day offer after this? “Now what? Do you hear that?”
Edna listened intently. “I don’t hear anything.”
John got up after three tries and went to the back door. It seemed that gravity was pulling harder to keep him down, felt a lot like he was overweight even though he wasn’t. “Edna, you stay there.”
“I’ll go where I want, thank you very much.”
Was that the sound of scratching? No way he was permitting another deer in the house, but as he wiped some frost from the door, he couldn’t see anything. A relief not to see a deer. Now John thought he might be imagining things. He slowly pushed open the screen door to have a look around, and suddenly a raccoon made its way inside. “You get out of here! Oh for God sake! I’m going out this afternoon and getting a gun. We’ll see if anything wants to come in here with a gun in the house.”
“You will do no such thing, probably shoot your own foot off.”
“I would not shoot my foot off.”
“I would not now!”
“Then I’d shoot it off for you.”
The raccoon chirped several times and then went upstairs.
Edna shook her head. “If I didn’t see it with my own eyes I wouldn’t believe it. You’ll have to take the credit for letting that one in here.”
John clapped his hands together. “I know what this is. It’s one of those hidden camera shows!” He went from window to window but wasn’t able to see anyone, appeared as if no one was even up yet.
“Hidden camera show? Do you
see anyone?”
“Bullshit! I don’t see anything. I must be losing my mind, Edna.”
“John, how would they train a deer to knock on the door and then enter into a house.”
“I don’t know! They can train anything these days.”
She smiled and nodded. “Too bad they couldn’t teach you to wipe your feet when you come in the house.”
“Now who’s the funny one?” He was getting aggravated. One deer was one thing, but this was getting ridiculous. This can’t be happening. If I’m dreaming, it’s a good one.
“You calm down. I don’t want you getting all riled up for nothing. Remember, your blood pressure is not good.”
“I’m two hundred years old, nothing’s good anymore.” John looked out the window briefly and then returned to the sofa. “My organs are beyond donating that’s for damn sure.”
“Stand beside the deer I’m getting my camera. I just have to get a picture of this.” Edna rummaged through her purse and came out with her Samsung camera. She took several photos, including John standing beside the two deer. “They all came out beautiful. Look at this one. Now we can show the kids if they ever get over again and they’ll have to believe us.”
The front doorbell rang. They stared anxiously at one another, and even the deer stood up in anticipation. At least he knew it wasn’t a damn deer ringing the bell, nor a raccoon either. “If a deer is ringing the bell I’m leaving.”
THREE
“Oh, my God!” said John. He opened the front door, grabbed the cradle and took the baby boy in the house. The child was only in his diaper with no shirt on, and yet he didn’t appear to be the least bit distressed. Someone must have just taken him out of the car, dropped him and took off. Who would abandon a child in such frigid weather?
Five Minutes After Midnight Page 16
