In my mind, I had long accepted the fact that I would inevitably leave the band. And I had committed so deeply to that belief that leaving Hollis had never even been a possibility for me. Thinking now about leaving her now, after everything we’d gone through together, made me feel like I had choked down a handful of rocks that sat heavy in my gut.
“You’re not arguing with me,” she said slowly as if she was testing the waters.
“Because,” I said, heaving a sigh, “you just might be right.”
“Of course I am.” She ruffled my hair. “Now, since I’m guessing you were a giant a-hole to her, how are you gonna make it up to her?”
I had nothing to give her, and I was shit at apologies. “I was working on a song about her. It wasn’t really for her, it was for me.”
“The fact that it’s about her means it’s for her.” She pushed me aside, motioning for me to leave the kitchen. “Get to work. Maybe a little piano is what you need right now.”
I could think half a dozen things I needed right then, all of them beginning and ending with Hollis. But Sarah was right. I needed to make it up to Hollis.
I looked out the kitchen window, my eyes catching on Gram’s rosebushes. With all the uninhibited sun we’d been having lately, they bloomed so big that it seemed a crime to leave them in Gram’s yard.
I needed to get to work.
So focused was I when I entered my bedroom that I almost didn’t see it right away. But there, on my keyboard, was a little sticky note.
Grief is a lonely experience, but I just want you to remember you are not alone. I’m here. I’ll be here still.
Underneath the note was another rose. I held the note in my hands, shaking it for a moment. I didn’t believe it was actually real.
Seconds later, I unearthed the note from high school at the bottom of my dresser. I put them side by side. I knew they’d both been penned by Hollis, but seeing them side by side felt somehow full circle. Well, nearly. I’d need to complete that circle for her.
Casey knocked on my open doorway. “Hey,” she said. “Hollis asked me to leave that note for you. She didn’t want to violate your privacy. I told her your room stinks anyway, so I might as well do it.”
I laughed despite the insult. She leaned against the doorjamb, looking way older than her age.
“My room doesn’t smell bad.”
“It reeks of your cologne.”
Trust my sister to always bust my balls. Sarah had been at the house the last couple of days, so she had really been able to see the dynamic Casey and I had, and how we kept things running. Did I want to be a part of the band and back in Colorado? So much had changed. If I could have had the band and stayed here, I would’ve. But the heart of it all was that I wanted to be here, with Casey. And, yes, Hollis too. “Things are going to be a little weird around here for a while.”
She nodded. “I know.”
“It might just be you and me figuring things out.”
“That’s what we’ve already been doing for the last month, Adam.”
I blinked. She was right.
“I know you’re worried, but you don’t really need to be. Gram was the smartest lady we ever knew and she knew to count on you.” She gave me a smile that I didn’t realize I needed from her. “Now stop being a dummy and say you’re sorry to Hollis.”
“Did she tell you anything?”
“No. She didn’t have to. I heard you talking to her outside earlier. She’s not gonna leave us. I know she won’t.”
“How do you know so much for only being thirteen?”
“I’m not a baby. Sometimes I think you forget that you left before I turned ten. I have a pretty good understanding of things now. Just like how I know you want Dad to stop breaking his promises to me and he never does.”
Dad hadn’t even tried getting a hold of us. His mother had died, and he didn’t fucking care. “Maybe one day he will.”
“He won’t, and you know it. It’s better if we stop expecting him to get better on his own.”
It was surreal, having a grown-up conversation with my thirteen-year-old sister. She’s seen more cruelty from the world than probably a good chunk of thirteen-year-olds, but she still maintained a happy and bubbly personality. The world wouldn’t break her. Which meant I wouldn’t, either. We’d be okay.
44
Hollis
It was time to come clean. I made sure that every hair on my head was in place, that every wrinkle had been flattened. I was prepared to face my parents, to tell them everything.
But right at their door, I nearly chickened out. I had driven all the way to southern Utah to face them on their turf. Seven hours in each direction. I left my home at three in the morning to ensure I would make it before noon, just in case, and was banking on returning shortly after meeting with them, so I didn’t miss the wake for Adam’s grandmother.
It would have been a lot easier if I had just called or texted, but both would be cowardly. And if there was one thing I knew, it was that being brave was the best way to honor my feelings for Adam. And doing that meant telling my parents I had been lying to them. For two years.
My mom answered the door, the surprise on her face carefully concealed—well, nearly. I got my expressive eyes from her, and noted the way they widened. We hadn’t spoken since that fateful dinner, a night that had been pivotal for me. “Hollis.”
“Hi, mom. Is dad here?”
“He’s just in his study.”
I nodded, looking around as a way to calm my nerves. “I need to speak to you both.”
“All right.” She turned, heels clacking their way down the wide hallway to the living room. “I’ll go get your father.”
I barely managed a robotic nod as she left. I took a seat in the lone armchair, the one my father usually favored. I thought of the isolation from the sofa as a kind of armor. I would be able to face them both simultaneously. And then I’d be able to leave.
My father made me wait until he knew I’d be overcome with anxiety. It was his way. I heard every second of the clock tick, felt every beat of my heart, in the minutes that separated my arrival from my father’s.
When they both finally joined me, I nearly doubled over from the stress. From the look on my father’s face, he knew that he was in for something. “Hollis. This is a surprise.”
“Yes.” I spread my hands across my lap, smoothing whatever wrinkles had formed in my slacks. I had dressed pretty professionally for an impromptu meeting with my parents but to them, appearance was everything. They wouldn’t have taken me seriously if I had worn jeans and a simple tee.
“What is this about?” He looked around the room. “I see you didn’t bring your boyfriend with you.”
“No.” I still hadn’t heard from him. It’d been a long few days and his grandmother’s wake was that evening. I had waffled on whether or not to go, ultimately deciding that I needed to prove I was as solid as I had told Sarah I was. I’d be there for him whether he asked me to be or not.
“And yet you drove all this way to speak with us? It must be important.”
He knew whatever I had come to say was important. I had dressed for battle. But he was a fan of gaining the upper hand and must have sensed the anxiety that practically oozed from my pores.
“It’s very important.” I took a deep breath. “I’ve been lying to you.”
My mother blinked once and my father settled in.
“For two years, give or take.”
I was postponing. Like I needed full lungs in order to say each sentence.
“The truth is, I was not dating Adam when I said I was.” And like a faulty dam, the truth just poured out. “He was someone I had a crush on in his school, and someone I admired from afar for a very long time. When you changed the terms of the trust, I panicked. Tori tried to help me by saying his name and in truth, the fake boyfriend I’d been telling you about had been slightly modeled after him.”
They were both silent for a long moment before my m
other finally piped up. “But why invent a fake boyfriend in the first place? You’ve been saying you have a boyfriend for the last few years.”
“Because you both kept trying to set me up with sons of your colleagues or employees. I wasn’t interested, and no matter how many times I expressed that to you, you were unrelenting.”
My dad finally spoke. “So you lied.”
I wouldn’t make any more excuses for it. I nodded.
He continued. “And this Adam person just agreed to go along with everything?”
I hated how he referred to him, like he was some criminal I’d plucked up off the street in desperation. “Adam agreed, yes. And then something happened. I started to develop real feelings for him. And I think he feels those same things for me.” I closed my eyes briefly, sending up a prayer to whoever was listening that what I felt in my heart was true.
“Well, I’m just shocked that you thought lying was the way to get what you wanted.”
“For you to get off my back about setting me up with people you know?”
“To gain access to your trust.” He leveled me with his steely gaze. “You put up this charade just for some money.”
This was the part where things were going to turn. I felt it deep in my veins, the rapid race to pump blood into my heart. “Yes. It wasn’t as much about the money as it was the freedom.”
“Freedom?” My father stood up as if on cue in my mind, the way I’d replayed this moment a dozen times. “You come to our door. You aren’t chained up or forced to be here. What freedom do you need?”
“The freedom to choose my own future.” I swallowed. “Ever since I was a child, you’ve dangled that trust over my head with a promise that if I followed your instructions for how I led my life, I would gain access to those funds.” I willed my pulse to calm, hoping to say this with as much kindness and grace as possible. “You dictated where I went while I was in high school, and what I studied in college. I’m in my senior year and you want me to go on to law school next year. And, well, that’s not something I want for myself.” I clasped my hands in my lap, so tight I knew my knuckles were white. “I won’t take the LSAT. I’m sorry for disappointing you.”
They stared at me, dumbstruck. This was my biggest act of rebellion in their eyes, nearly tied with how I’d behaved at dinner with Adam. “When were you planning on telling us this?”
“I wasn’t planning on telling you at all. I was going to go to law school, because you wanted me to. I was going to figure out a way to do what I wanted while making you happy.”
“What changed?”
I looked down at my hands. “Everything.” When I lifted my head again, I hoped I looked strong. “I understand that this means I lose my trust. And if you don’t want to pay my final semester of college, well, I suppose I will figure that out too.”
My dad, who was leaning on the back of the couch where my mom sat, made a sound like he was about to speak, buy my mom’s hand covered his on the couch. “We will pay for your final semester, Hollis. We paid for college for both of your sisters.”
“Lot of good that did for them,” my father interjected.
“But, yes, you’re right. You will not receive the trust as planned.”
I nodded, having already come to peace with the idea of losing it. I wouldn’t be able to leave immediately after college and start making an impact in all the places around the world I wished to. But, I could start here at home until the rest of the world was a possibility.
When neither of my parents said anything, I stood on shaky legs. “Thank you,” I said to them both. “I need to return to Amber Lake.”
My dad looked like he’d been hit by a car. He just stared blankly, while my mom gave me a sympathetic smile. I said my goodbyes and headed out the door.
I made it to the wake right at the tail end, changing to flat shoes before dashing through the doors of the space Adam and his brother had rented out for the occasion. It was a small hotel, with one convention room, and even though the room was crowded with people it didn’t feel stifling—it felt warm, cozy.
I searched out Adam’s head, but I wasn’t tall enough. I should have kept the heels on, I realized too late.
“Hey,” Navy said, clasping my hand in hers and tugging me through a crowd until we reached a table full of refreshments. “I was hoping you’d be able to make it.”
“There was traffic in Ogden, so I sped a little once I hit the border.”
“Wooo,” Navy said in a low voice. “You? Sped?”
“I know.” My cheeks warmed. “I didn’t want to miss it. But it looks like I’m right at the tail end.”
“Yeah, there were even more people here, but it’s dispersing now it’s technically over.”
“Hey Hollis.” Keane came up behind us, putting an arm around me. There was a soft piano playing somewhere on speakers, but it could barely be heard over the conversations happening around us.
“Hey.” I leaned into him, giving him a side hug. “How is he doing?”
“Better.” He lifted a plastic cup to his mouth. “A lot better, actually.”
It lifted my heart to hear. “I’m glad.” I searched once again, hoping to see him but it was useless; there were too many people.
“Hollis,” said a feminine voice from behind me. I turned, and in the crowded space I nearly bumped right into Sarah. She was standing next to a guy with shaggy blond hair.
“Hi Sarah.”
“This is Bobby, my boyfriend.”
Bobby’s eyes were steady, focused, as he looked over my face. “You’re Adam’s girlfriend.”
It wasn’t a question, but I felt compelled to answer it anyway. But the problem was, I didn’t know what we were. We’d both acknowledged that things had changed during our time as a fake couple. But we hadn’t really figured out what that was, together. I knew, for me, it was everything. He’d gone from being a guy I’d crushed on to a guy I’d fallen in love with. Calling him my boyfriend felt so small, like it didn’t articulate my feelings at all.
“Yes,” Navy said for me, which was good enough.
Bobby shook my hand and introduced me to another band mate who’d made the trip for the wake. After I had shaken hands with a few other people, I was beginning to feel like a specimen under a microscope. They were all weighing and measuring me, to determine if I was worth Adam’s time. And I was grateful for it. I wanted Adam to be surrounded by people who loved him, who looked after him.
I wished I had met his gram. As I moved through the crowd of people, being introduced to a number of people who had known her, my desire to know her myself just poured through me. I wanted to know the woman the way these people did. To hear them speak so reverently about her made me yearn for things that I had never know. But if I had learned anything over the last few weeks with Adam, it was that I couldn’t go back and change things that had happened. I could only change what was to come.
Slowly, people began filing out, emptying the room in a slow trickle. I still hadn’t seen Adam, and I was buzzing from coming clean to my parents and from not seeing him for the last few days. I couldn’t wait to see him, to talk to him again. But no matter how hard I looked, I couldn’t find him.
I found Casey, who launched herself at me with a hug. “You made it!”
I stroked her hair, squeezing her. “Of course I did.”
“I’m so happy.” She stepped back. “But Adam isn’t here. He left a little bit ago.”
I deflated at that. “Oh. Okay.”
“You might be able to reach him on his phone.”
I made a noncommittal noise. “Okay.”
“Caleb is taking me back home. Want to come over for dinner?”
“Uh…”
“It’s just going to be the leftovers from here. But if you come early, we can eat the good stuff and leave the hot dog salad for the boys.” She stuck her tongue out in disgust.
“Hot dog salad?” I had never heard of such a thing.
“Yeah, I don’t t
hink that person likes us much.” Casey shrugged and then hugged me again. “I have to go. Caleb is grumpy because he leaves tomorrow morning.”
“Okay.” It wasn’t until after she left that I realized I hadn’t told her I wouldn’t come by Adam’s house. Which meant I’d need to. As much as I wanted to see Adam again, I didn’t want to see him if he wasn’t ready to see me. A wake was bound to stir up emotions, and he might want to grieve privately. While I wanted to show him I’d be there for him, I didn’t want to force my way when I wasn’t welcome.
My phone buzzed in my pocket. It’d been blissfully quiet over the last week when I had started telling people no. It was still a struggle to say the word in person, but as Adam had reminded me, it was just two letters. So texts with “no” were being more liberally used.
I waited until I was outside of the doors before I pulled my phone out. I waved goodbye to Navy who climbed into Keane’s car and opened my phone.
It was one word. Two letters.
But it wasn’t the word Adam had taught me to use. No, it was the word I had taught him to use.
Hi.
How could one simple word have such an effect on me? It was if someone had tied a powerful balloon around my waist and just lifted me off the ground for how light I felt. I clutched my phone to my chest like it was my very lifeline.
Surprisingly, moisture pricked my eyes. I hadn’t known how starved I was to hear from him until he sent me a text with two letters.
Hi, I replied.
I watched the bubbles appear, showing that he was typing a reply and closed my phone as I got into my car. I waited a full twenty seconds before starting the car, wanting to obey the law while also making sure I read his texts as they came in.
As soon as I turned the key in the ignition, my phone pinged.
One Little Lie: a hate to love rom-com Page 35
