Roy Garbonzo's estate made the Johansenn's look like a third world mud hut. He had his own private access road, a giant wrought iron perimeter fence, and a uniformed guard posted at the gate. I was wondering how to play it when the aforementioned uniformed guard knocked on my window.
“I need to see Roy Garbonzo,” I told him. “My son choked to death on a Sunny Meal toy.”
“He's expecting you, Mr. McGlade.”
The gate rolled back, and I drove up to the mansion. It looked like five mansions stuck together. I parked between two massive Doric columns and pressed the buzzer next to the giant double doors. Before anyone answered, a startling thought flashed through my head.
How did the guard know my name?
“It's a set up,” I said aloud. I yanked the Magnum out of my shoulder holster and dove into one of the hydrangea bushes flanking the entryway just as the knob turned.
I peeked through the lavender blooms, finger on the trigger, watching the door swing open. A sinister-looking man wearing a tuxedo stepped out of the house and peered down his nose at me.
“Would Mr. McGlade care for a drink?”
“You're a butler,” I said.
“Observant of you, sir.”
“You work for Roy Garbonzo.”
“An excellent deduction, sir. A drink?”
“Uh—whiskey, rocks.”
“Would you care to have it in the parlor, sir, or would you prefer to remain squatting in the Neidersachen?”
“I thought it was a hydrangea.”
“It's a hydrangea Neidersachen, sir.”
“It's pretty,” I said. “But I think I'll take that drink inside.”
“Very good, sir.”
I extricated myself from the Neidersachen, brushed off some clinging leaves, and followed Jeeves through the tiled foyer, through the carpeted library, and into the parlor, which had wood floors and an ornate Persian rug big enough to park a bus on.
“Please have a seat, sir. Mr. Garbonzo will be with your shortly. Were you planning on shooting him?”
“Excuse me?”
“You're holding a gun, sir.”
I glanced down at my hand, still clenched around my Magnum.
“Sorry. Forgot.”
I holstered the .44 and sat in a high-backed leather chair, which was so plush I sank four inches. Waddles returned with my whiskey, and I sipped it and stared at the paintings hanging on the walls. One in particular caught my interest, of a nude woman eating grapes.
“Admiring the Degas?” a familiar voice boomed from behind.
I turned and saw Happy Roy the vicious misogynist psycho, all five foot two inches of him, walking up to me. He wore an expensive silk suit, but like most old men the waist was too high, making him seem more hunched over than he actually was. On his feet were slippers, and his glasses had black plastic frames and looked thick enough to stop a bullet.
“Her name is Degas?” I asked. “Silly name for a chick.”
He held out his hand and I shook it, noticing his knuckles were swollen and bruised.
“Degas is the painter, Mr. McGlade. My business advisors thought it was a good investment. Do you like it?”
“Not really. She's got too much in back, not enough up front, and her face is a double-bagger.”
“A double-bagger?”
“I'd make her wear two bags over her head, in case one fell off.”
The Chicken King laughed. “I always thought she was ugly too. Apparently, this little lady was the ideal beauty hundreds of years ago.”
“Or maybe Degas just liked ugly, pear-shaped chicks. How did you know I was coming, Mr. Garbonzo?”
He sat in the chair across from me, sinking in so deep he had trouble seeing over his knees.
“Please, call me Happy Roy. I've been having my wife followed, Mr. McGlade. The man I hired tailed her to your office. Does that surprise you?”
“Why should I be surprised? I remember that she came to my office.”
“What I meant was, are you surprised I'm having my wife followed?”
I considered it. “No. She's young, beautiful, and you look like a Caucasian version of one of the California Raisins.”
“I remember those commercials. That's where I got the idea for the claymation chicken in the Chicken Shack spots. Expensive to produce, those commercials.”
“Enough of the small talk. I want you to call off your goon.”
“My goon?”
“The person your wife hired to whack you, he's a teenage kid living in the suburbs. He's not a real threat.”
“I'm aware of that.”
“So you don't need to have that kid killed.”
“Mr. McGlade, I'm not having anyone killed. I'm Happy Roy. I don't kill people. I promote world peace through deep fried poultry. I simply told my wife that I hired a killer, even though I didn't.”
“You lied to her?”
Happy Roy let out a big, dramatic sigh. “When I found out she wanted me dead, I was justifiably annoyed. I confronted her, we got into an argument, and I told her that I'd have her assassin killed. I was trying to get her to call it off on her own.”
I absorbed this information, drinking more whiskey. When the whiskey ran out, I sucked on an ice cube.
“Tho wmer mmmpt wooor—”
“Excuse me? I can't understand you with that ice in your mouth.”
I spit out the ice. “She said you abuse her. That you're insane.”
“The only thing insane about me is my upcoming promotion. Buy a box of chicken, get a second box for half price.”
I wondered if I should tell him about the bruises she had, but chose to keep silent.
“What about divorce?”
“I love Marietta, Mr. McGlade. I know she's too young for me. I know she's a devious, back-stabbing maneater. That just makes her more adorable.”
“She wants you dead.”
“All spouses have their quirks.”
I leaned forward, an effort because my butt was sunk so low in the chair.
“Happy Roy, I have no doubt that Marietta will kill you if she can. When this doesn't pan out, she'll try something else. Eventually, she'll hook up with a real assassin.”
Happy Roy's eye became hooded, dark. “She's my wife, Mr. McGlade. I'll deal with her my way.”
“By beating her?”
“This conversation is over. I'll have my butler show you to the door.”
I pried myself out of the chair. “You're disgustingly rich, powerful, and not a bad looking guy for someone older than God. Let Marietta go and find some other bimbo to play with.”
“Good bye, Mr. McGlade. Feel free to keep working for my wife.”
“Are you trying to pay me off, so I drop this case?”
“No. Not at all.”
“If you were thinking about paying me off, how much money would we be talking?”
“I'm not trying to pay you off, Mr. McGlade.”
I got in the smaller man's face. “You might be able to afford fat Degas and huge estates, but I'm a person, Happy Roy. And no matter how rich you get, you'll never be able to buy a human being. Because it's illegal, Happy Roy. Buying people is illegal.”
“I'm not trying to buy you!”
“I'll find my own way out.”
I stormed out of the parlor, through the library, into the dining room, into another parlor, or maybe it was a den, and then I wound up in the kitchen somehow. I tried to back track, wandered into the dining room, and then found myself back in one of the parlors, but I couldn't tell if it was the first parlor or the second parlor. I didn't see that painting of the naked heifer, but Happy Roy may have taken it down just to confuse me.
“Hello?” I called out. “I'm a little lost here.”
No one answered.
I went back into the dining room, then the kitchen, and took another door which led down a hallway which led to a bathroom, which was fine because I needed to go to the bathroom anyway.
When the lizard had
been adequately drained, I discovered some very interesting prescription drugs, just lying there, in the medicine cabinet.
And then it all made sense.
Forty minutes later I found the front door and headed back to my apartment.
Time to drop the truth on Little Miss Marietta.
#
At first, I thought I had the wrong place. Everything was so...clean. Not only were all of my clothes picked up, but the apartment had been vacuumed—a real feat since I didn't think I owned a vacuum cleaner.
“Mrs. Garbonzo? You here?”
I walked into the bedroom. The bed had been made, and the closet door was open, revealing over a dozen shirts on hangers.
In the kitchen, the sink was empty of dishes for the first time since I rented the place fifteen years ago. There was even a fresh smell of lilacs and orange zest in the air.
The door opened and I swung around, hand going to my gun. Mrs. Garbonzo entered, carrying a plastic laundry basket overflowing with my socks. She flinched when she saw me.
“Mr. McGlade. I didn't expect you back so soon.”
“Surprised, Marietta? I thought you might be.”
“Did you take care of the guy?”
“Sit down. We need to talk.”
She set the basket down on my kitchen counter, and seductively perched herself on one of my breakfast bar stools. Her blouse had been untucked from her skirt, the shirt tails tied in a knot around her flat stomach.
“You lied to me, Marietta.”
“Lied?” She batted her eyelashes. “How?”
There was a bottle of window cleaner next to the sink that I'd never seen before. I picked it up.
“How about opening up that shirt and letting me squirt you with this?”
“Is that what turns you on? Spraying women with glass cleaner?”
I grabbed her blouse and pulled, tearing buttons.
“I was thinking more along the lines of washing off those fake bruises. They're so fake, the purple has even rubbed off on your collar. See?”
I shot two quick streams at the marks, then used my sleeve to wipe them off.
They didn't wipe off.
I tried again, to similar effect.
Marietta sneered at me. “Are you finished?”
“So what's that purple stuff on your collar?”
“Eye shadow.” She pointed at her eyes. “That's why it matches my eye shadow.”
“Big deal. So you gave yourself those bruises. Or paid someone to give them to you. I met your husband today, Mrs. Garbonzo. All ninety pounds of him. He couldn't beat up a quadriplegic.”
“My husband abuses me, Mr. McGlade.”
“Yeah, I saw his swollen knuckles. At first, I thought they were swollen from hitting you. But he didn't hit you, did he Marietta? Roy has rheumatoid arthritis. I saw his medication. His knuckles are swollen because of his disease, and they undoubtedly cause him great pain. So much pain, he'd never be able to hit you.”
Marietta put her hands on her hips.
“He beats me with a belt, Mr. McGlade.”
“A belt?”
“These bruises are from the buckle. It also causes welts. See?”
She turned around, lifting her blouse. Angry, red scabs stretched across her back.
I gave them a spritz of the window cleaner, just to be sure.
“Ow!”
“Sorry. Had to check.”
Marietta faced me. “I've paid you, I've done your laundry, and I've cleaned your apartment. Did you take care of the assassin for me?”
“Your husband didn't hire an assassin.”
“Is that what he told you?”
“I know it for a fact. The guy you hired is a sixteen-year-old pimply-faced kid. He couldn't whack anyone. He couldn't even whack a mole.”
I smiled at my pun.
Marietta made a face. “I thought he sounded young on the phone. He really won't do it?”
“He lives in his parent's basement.”
The tears came. “I gave him a lot of money. Everything I've been able to hide from Roy during six years of marriage.”
I thought about mentioning I got the money back, but decided against it.
“Look, Marietta, just divorce the guy.”
“I can't. He threatened to kill me if I divorced him.”
“You can run away. Hire a lawyer.”
She sniffled. “Pre-nup.”
“Pre-nup?”
“I signed a pre-nuptial agreement. If I divorce Roy, I don't get a penny. And after six years of abuse, I deserve more than that.” She licked her lips. “But if he dies, I get it all.”
“Don't you think killing the guy is a little extreme?”
She threw herself at me, teary-eyed and heaving. “Please, Harry. You have to help me. I'll give you half—half of the entire chicken empire. Help me kill the son of a bitch.”
“Marietta...”
“I cleaned your place, you promised you'd help.” She added a little grinding action to her hug. “Please kill him for me.”
I looked around the kitchen. She did do a pretty good job. I wondered, briefly, if I'd make a decent Chicken King.
“I'll tell you what, Marietta. I don't do that kind of thing. But I know someone who can help. Do you want me to make a phone call?”
“Yes. Oh, yes.”
I pried myself out of her grasp and picked up the phone, dialing the number from memory.
“Hi, partner. It's me. Look, I've got a woman here who wants to kill her husband. I told her I'm not interested, but I thought maybe you'd be able to set something up. Say, tomorrow, around noon? You can meet her at the Hilton. Rent a room under the name Lipshultz. No, schultz, with a U-L. Okay, she'll be there.”
I hung up. “Got it all set for you, sugar.”
She squeezed me tight and kissed my neck. “Thanks, Harry. Thank you so much. Is there anything I can do to repay you?” Her breath was hot in my ear. “Anything at all?”
“You can start by folding those socks. And maybe some dusting. Yeah, dusting would be good.”
She smiled wickedly and caressed my cheek. “I was thinking of something a little more intimate.”
“I was thinking about dinner.”
“Dinner would be wonderful.”
“I'm sure it will be. Have the place dusted by the time I get back.”
#
Marietta Garbonzo called me the next night, around eight in the evening.
“You son of a bitch! You set me up! You didn't call a hitman! You called a cop!”
“You can't go around murdering people, sweetheart. It's wrong on so many levels.”
“But what about all of the washing? The cleaning? The dusting? And what about after dinner? What we did? How could you betray me after that?”
“You expect me to throw away all of my principles because we spent five minutes doing the worm? It was fun, but not worth twenty to life.”
“You bastard. When I get out of here I'll...”
I hung up and went back to the Sharper Image catalog I'd been thumbing through. I had my eye on one of those massaging easy chairs. That would set me back two grand. Earlier that day, I bought a sixty inch plasma TV. The money I took from William “Billy” Johansenn was being put to good use.
I plopped down in front of the TV, found the wrestling channel, and settled in to watch two hours of pay-per-view sports entertainment. The Iron Commie had Captain Frankenbeef in a suplex when I felt the gun press against the back of my head.
“Hello, Mr. McGlade.”
“Happy Roy?”
“Yes. Stand up, slowly. Then turn around.”
I followed instructions. Happy Roy held a four barreled COP .357, a nasty weapon that could do a lot of damage at close range.
“How'd you get in?” I asked.
“You gave a key to my wife, you moron. I took it from her last night, when she got home.” His face got mean. “After you slept with her.”
“Technically, we didn't do any sleeping
.”
The gun trembled in Happy Roy's hand.
“She's in jail now, Mr. McGlade. Because of you.”
“She wanted to kill you, Happy Roy. You should thank me.”
“You idiot!” Spittle flew from his lips. “I wanted to kill her myself. With my own two hands. Now I have to get her out of jail before I can do it. Do you have any idea what Johnny Cochrane charges an hour?”
“Whatever it is, you can afford it.”
Happy Roy's voice cracked. “I'm practically broke. Those damn claymation commercials are costing me a fortune, and no one is buying the tie-in products. I've got ten thousand Happy Roy t-shirts, moldering away in a warehouse. Plus the burger chains with their processed chicken strips are forcing me into bankruptcy.”
“Those new Wendy's strips are pretty good.”
“Shut up! Put your hands over your head. No quick moves.”
“What about your mansion? Can't you sell that?”
“It's a rental.”
“Really? Do you mind if I ask what you pay a month?”
“Enough! We're going for a ride, Mr. McGlade. I'm going to introduce you to one of our extra large deep fryers, up close and personal.”
“You told me I could keep working with your wife.”
“I said you could work with her, not set her up!”
“Six of one, half a dozen of...”
"I'm the Chicken King, goddammit! I'm an American icon! Nobody crosses me and gets away with it!
I'd had enough of the Chicken King's crazy ranting, so I reached for the gun. Happy Roy tried to squeeze the trigger, but I easily yanked it away before he had the chance.
“Let me give you a little lesson in firearms, Happy Roy. A COP .357 has a twenty pound trigger pull. Much too hard to fire for a guy with arthritis.”
Happy Roy reached for his belt, fighting with the buckle. “You bastard! I'll beat the fear of Happy Roy into you, you son of a bitch! No one crosses...”
I tapped him on the head with his gun, and the Chicken King collapsed. After checking for a pulse, I went for the phone and dialed my Lieutenant friend.
“Hi, Jack. Me again. Marietta Garbonzo's husband just broke into my place, tried to kill me. Yeah, Happy Roy himself. No, he doesn't look so happy right now. Can you send someone by? And can you make it quick? He's bleeding all over my carpet, and I just had it cleaned. Thanks.”
I hung up and stared down at the Chicken King, who was mumbling something into the carpet.
Jack Daniels Stories Page 10
