I squish my eyes closed as tears dampen my cheeks.
Suddenly, I hear movement and open my eyes to look inside the window beside the door. Jasper’s silhouette stands imposingly there and I can’t help but feel like a small cowering animal.
“Go away, Willa, I don’t want to talk to you,” he says through the glass.
“Jasper, I need to explain—”
He shakes his head roughly. “There’s nothing you need to say. Nothing. And let’s face it, you’re good at saying nothing so why try to change now?”
“Jasper—” Before I can say anything more, he turns and walks away.
I stand there for several minutes waiting and hoping for him to come back, but he doesn’t.
Closing my eyes, I decide he’s going to hear what I have to say one way or the other.
I head home and take the steps two at a time as I bound up them to my room.
Sitting down at my laptop, I lift the lid and open my camera app, pressing record.
I take a breath, and I begin to speak.
“Um … Willa, have you seen this?” Harlow asks, carrying her laptop into my room.
“What?” I ask, setting my book aside. It takes me a solid five minutes to read one page, but at least I’m reading.
She flops down on my bed beside me, placing her laptop between us.
Immediately, I see my video on her screen and I laugh.
“Of course I’ve seen this, silly. I kind of recorded it myself.”
“That’s not what I meant.” She rolls her eyes. “Look at the views. It’s gone viral.”
I look, finding over one million views on the video I posted two weeks ago in the hopes Jasper might see it. I thought maybe he’d be more likely to listen to what I have to say in a video than face to face.
The video starts to play automatically and both of us sit there watching it instead of turning it off.
On the screen I clear my throat, my lips twitching.
“Wow … um … this is awkward … I’ve never … uh … done this before. Recorded a video, I mean.”
I glance at Harlow. “I am so cringy. Why have so many people watched this?”
“Shh,” she hushes me.
“This video is for you: Jasper … if you’re watching this I’m sure you already know that. You won’t talk to me in person, so this was the best thing I could come up with. If you never watch this … well, then at least I know I tried my best. I want you to know that every minute I’ve spent with you the last three months have been some of the best of my entire life. With you, I felt like me again. When I was fourteen and I got the diagnosis of end-stage kidney disease I felt like I lost part of my identity. So much of my life suddenly revolved around my disease. But when I met you, even though you knew about my disease and transplant you never looked at me differently and that meant more to me than you can ever understand.” In the video, I begin to cry and wipe away the tears. “A few days after I got my transplant, I saw the newspaper clipping about your brother’s death and it said that your parents donated his kidneys. Based on what I knew when the hospital called me that night with a kidney for me I knew in my soul that I’d gotten his kidney. I was determined then to meet his family, to thank them for the selfless sacrifice they made in the face of such a tragic loss. While they lost a son, I gained a life from that.”
Even now, watching this I feel myself getting choked up and Harlow lays her head on my shoulder offering me comfort.
“Thanks to the newspaper article I had names and … well, you know how the internet is. You can find anybody. I found out where his parents lived, and I went there to thank them. In hindsight, that probably wasn’t very smart of me, but I’d just gotten a transplant and my feelings and emotions were very raw and all over the place. But when I got there … it was you who came to the door. The guy I’d run into before, almost literally, thanks to my silly dog.” I shake my head, wetting my lips as the video continues to play. “You were standing there and I felt my heart race and I … I couldn’t take it. I felt connected to you in a way I never have with another person and I couldn’t face you and I certainly couldn’t tell you I thought I had your brother’s kidney., I ran away. Then as luck would have it, or maybe it’s fate, you saw me on the beach. I tried to get away from you again, but you wouldn’t let me. As I got to know you in those early days I kept telling myself I’d tell you whose kidney I thought I had, you deserved to know, but as the shock from the transplant wore off, my defense mechanisms kicked in. I was afraid for how you might judge me if you knew where my kidney came from. I didn’t want you to think I was a monster, some sort of leech taking away a life that didn’t belong to me. The more time that passed, the harder I fell for you, until now where I can say for certain I’m in love with you. I might be young, but I know what I feel for you is real. You might hate my guts for lying to you, but I only did it because I love you. God, Jasper, do I love you. I love the way you smile. I love the way you laugh. I love the way we can talk for hours and it feels as if no time has passed. I love the way you care about your family. I love everything about you. I love you. And I know it’s probably too late to tell you all this, but I want you to know. I didn’t do this on purpose to hurt you. I wish I’d told you right from the beginning, but I was scared, and surely you can understand that. I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I hope somehow you can find it in your heart to forgive me anyway.” I let out a deep breath and I’m silent for a moment before I finish. “My parents got me two tickets to Japan for the following Tuesday. If, by then, you want to see me again, and can find it in your heart to forgive me, one of those tickets is yours. I’ll be waiting and hoping at the gate for you—but if you don’t show up, I’ll never seek you out again and I’ll understand that this is truly goodbye. Your mom has your ticket, so all you have to do is ask her for it. I made her promise not to pressure you.” I look down, quiet once more. “The last thing I want to say just in case I never get to tell you in person, I love you.”
“We’re going to miss you so much.” My mom squeezes me tight.
“Can’t. Breathe,” I bite out between squished lungs.
“Sorry.” She lets me go and kisses my forehead. “Call us as soon as you land, okay? And when you get to your hotel. And—”
“I promise to give you an entire play by play of everything that happens.” I hug her again.
“Be safe, kiddo.” My dad hugs me next, the worry evident in his eyes.
I won’t lie, I’m worried too. The idea of traveling to a foreign country all by myself is scary to say the least. There’s the chance Jasper will show up, but I’m not counting on it. I’ve learned not to put all my eggs in one basket.
Harlow throws her arms around me next. “I low you,” she whispers in my ear.
“I low you too.”
I let her go, looking at my family one more time before I head into the airport and through security. Despite telling myself repeatedly not to, I continue to scan the crowd for Jasper. Every time I don’t see him I want to kick myself.
I make it to the gate with two hours before my flight leaves.
I take a seat in the corner on purpose so I can kind of hide and it makes it harder to constantly search for Jasper.
Because, I have to face it, there’s no chance he’s coming.
As the time ticks closer to boarding, my stomach grows heavy. I almost call my parents, begging them to come back and get me, that I can’t do this. But I don’t give in. This is my dream trip and I’m going hell or high water.
The attendant comes over the intercom, calling everyone to line up to board.
He’s not going.
Deep down, I always believed he’d show up, and the fact that he’s not here makes my heart shatter all over again.
I thought I hurt before but this is worse, knowing this is it.
I stand up, shrugging my carry-on bag over my shoulder. With my head bowed, fighting tears, I head toward the line.
A steady thump-thump-thump
echoes and at first, I think it’s my heart, but then I realize it’s someone running.
My head whips up and my heart stops.
“Wait! I’m coming! Wait!”
With his backpack thumping against his back, Jasper runs to the gate as everyone waiting to board watches with curiosity.
Toward us.
Toward me.
“Willa,” he calls out.
The way he says my name makes hope bloom in my chest.
He stops in front of me and the two of us stare at each other, neither of us knowing what to say.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I’m so sorry. I was so hurt that you didn’t confide in me, not when I’d shared so much with you, and I … I snapped. You asked if I could forgive you, but can you forgive me?”
I nod, fighting tears, but for the first time in two weeks, it’s happy tears.
“Of course.” It’s not even a question I could possibly answer no to. While I was hurt and upset, I’m not stupid enough to not see why he felt the way he did.
He cups my cheeks in his large hands and presses his lips to mine. My arms twine around his neck and I kiss him back, standing on my tiptoes.
Cheers and claps reverberate around us from the passengers waiting to board. Jasper smiles against my lips and I can’t help but laugh.
I lay my head against his chest, hiding my face as I blush from all the attention.
“I love you,” he whispers, pressing his lips lightly against mine again.
Hearing those words leave his lips sends my heart soaring up into the heavens.
“I love you too.”
Though, he already knew that. And if I’m honest, I knew he loved me too, because it’s love that makes us react in the most irrational of ways, since the one’s who we love the most can hurt us the most.
As I cling to him, I can’t help but smile. Once upon a time I dreamed of making it to the other side of tomorrow, a time when I’d finally have a transplant and life would truly begin, and now it’s here.
Eight Months Later.
“Given enough time, things start to make sense.
“Like the whys of why certain things happen.
“The whose of who’s most important to you.
“Everything clicks into place like pieces of a puzzle, forming a picture you couldn’t see at first, one that creates the image of your life.
“Decisions become easier, and you find yourself growing and changing in unexpected ways.
“A year ago, I was lost. I didn’t know who I was or where I was going in life. Not much made sense. I’d been through more in the three years before than most people go through in a lifetime, and it changed me. Sometimes, I thought it changed me for the worst, but I was wrong. It changed me for the better. It taught me more about myself than I ever would’ve learned otherwise. I got know people who lit up my life and impacted me in unexpected way. People who I would’ve never met if my kidneys hadn’t failed.
“You see, I’ve always believed everything happens for a reason.
“This … this was no different.
“Even if you can’t understand something at a time, even if you’re angry, that’s okay because one day it’ll all make sense.
“That’s why I’m up here speaking to you guys today. I want you to understand it’s okay to be afraid. It’s okay to fight for what you want. It’s okay to follow your dreams no matter what they may be. And it’s always—always okay to be true to yourself.”
Clapping echoes around the high school auditorium and I press my lips together fighting back tears as my first motivational speech comes to a close.
When Jasper and I went to Japan, I did a lot of soul searching and I finally decided I wanted to talk to people about what happened to me, to give them hope, because you don’t have to have gone through the same thing to need hope. But more than that, I finally figured out what I’m most meant to do in this world. I think I knew all along but I was scared. Come the fall, I’ll start medical school and several years down the road I’ll be a transplant surgeon, giving people a second chance at life just like I got.
“Thank you, guys.” I wave to the high school students, my heart filled with happiness and pride as I exit to stage right where my family and Jasper wait.
Jasper wraps his arms around me, grinning from ear to ear. “I’m so proud of you.”
“You were so good,” Harlow takes my hand and squeezes it.
I smile at her, pleased to have her up here with me when she’s been going through so much herself the last few months. Getting pregnant her junior year definitely wasn’t a part of her plans, but she’s handling it like a champ. Her belly is still small, barely noticeable, but it’s there and soon I’ll have a niece or nephew.
“We’re so proud of you.” My parents pull me into a hug—well, as best as they can with Jasper still holding on tight.
Looking back up at Jasper, he says, “You did it.”
I did it.
And you can too.
Spencer and Harlow’s story continuing in the standalone The Infiniteness of Yesterday coming soon.nbsp;
Willa’s story has been such a labor of love. I loved experiencing how she grew and changed, becoming the person she always was to start with but she refused to see.
Like Willa, I have my good and bad days dealing with my diagnosis. Thankfully, most days are good. I think it’s important when going through something like this to not let it consume you. Willa definitely struggled with that and I think it comes from so much time spent alone—I notice when I’m alone is when the bad thoughts get to me the most.
As of writing this it’s been over a year since my diagnosis.
When I was in the ER being told my kidneys failed I naively thought transplant would happen quickly.
I never in a million years thought I’d make it to a year without a kidney.
But the truth is the search for a living donor match takes a long time and it’s not a guarantee. Even with the people I have testing now nothing is set in stone. In fact, we got the great news my aunt is a perfect blood match (which is AMAZING because trust me they don’t use the word perfect often) but with her liver numbers not where they want them they keep checking that to see if it’s something treatable where she’ll be able to donate and not be affected later in life. The last thing any of us wants is for her to give me a kidney out of the goodness of her heart and end up in kidney failure herself down the road. So now it’s a waiting game to see if she is a good candidate to donate or if I have to wait for someone else to step up to the plate … OR if like Willa I have to wait for a deceased donor.
In which case I’d be waiting another three years or so, which, if I’m being honest, is terrifying.
While I switched to peritoneal dialysis a little over a month ago, and I’m truly so happy with this decision, it’s not ideal. It’s still not as good as having a real working kidney. But it’s so much better for me than hemo-dialysis. I hate to say this, but I truly had gotten to the point where I would rather die than continue with it. I hated how tired I was all the time—and not a tired anyone else can know unless they’ve done dialysis too. It’s a strange tired. Bone deep. And you feel so weak all the time. That’s due to the fact of how fast the hemo-dialysis pulls and returns the blood from your body as well as going from carrying approximately four pounds of fluid to none. It’s HARD on your body. With the peritoneal dialysis it’s slow (for me 9 hours every night) and more natural. Not everyone’s a candidate for it and not everyone wants to do it and that’s fine. I like that there’s options though and this has definitely been the best for me. I love that I have energy again and what’s crazy is my color is even different. People who saw me on hemo and then after on PD all said my skin color looks so much better.
But if you’re someone reading this who’s going through this too, I want you to know you’re not alone. Don’t be afraid to talk to other patients and voice your fears and concerns. Don’t keep it bottled inside.
Also, d
o your research because YOU are your best advocate.
Through all of this I’ve continued to repeat my life motto to myself.
Everything happens for a reason.
This is something I’ve told myself since I was a little girl and it couldn’t apply more now. Especially now as I wait and hope for a donor. As much as I want it to happen quickly so I can get off dialysis and FEEL like a normal person for the first time in my life (seriously, I didn’t know how bad I’d felt for so long because it was normal to me and they tell me if I feel better on dialysis a transplant will change my life) I know it’ll happen when the time is right and I have to trust the process. That doesn’t mean it’s easy, or even that I have to like it at times. But I know one day, I’ll look back and this will be just a blip of time.
If anyone out there is going through this and would like to speak to me you can email me at [email protected] or message me on any of my social media.
Unlike Willa, from the beginning I’ve wanted to be an advocate for education people on kidney disease, dialysis, organ donation, and transplant. A lot of patients are like Willa though and would prefer to pretend it never happened. And everyone’s entitled to how they feel.
But for me, I can’t get a transplant in the future and act like this never happened to me, because it DID. And I’m not ashamed of it. This has changed me, but for the better, and yes in an ideal world this never would’ve happened to me or anybody but it did and therefore I want to do what I can to raise awareness. If you’re someone reading this that has it in your heart to be a living donor reach out to a transplant hospital near you and speak with them and see if you could be a donor. You’d literally be saving someone’s life. There are thousands of people waiting for a kidney, and some will die before they get one. If you don’t want to be a living donor, consider being a donor when you die. You can save around EIGHT lives by donating your organs when you die. That’s eight people who get a second chance at life. By donating organs and tissue over a hundred people can benefit from it. Organ donation is a beautiful thing. And I’ll be honest, I wasn’t a donor before this happened to me, but after learning about it I made sure to change that. No one wants my kidneys but everything else seems to be in good working order so they can have that.
The Other Side of Tomorrow Page 29
